Boomhauer quotes from King of the Hill

He looks like an angel. A dead angel.

Boomhauer

(crying) Why, man, dang ol' why, why?!

It should have been Bill!

Peggy Hill

Oh, Hank. We never got a chance to talk about your problem. And now... we never will.

CEC. Everett Koop

Remember, early detection is the key. Now pass in your algebra homework.

CHCotton Hill

Goodbye, boy. See you in HELL!

S1 E6 Hank's Unmentionable Problem

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Yeah, I was all set to start on a TV cabinet on Saturday, but it's gonna hafta wait a day. Luanne's mama is coming to visit.

(spits out his beer in shock) That woman is a menace to society.

Well, I dunno, I never met the lady, but she did her time.

Boomhauer

I tell you what, ain't no dang ol' lady 'bout her man. She get all liquored up man, all comin' on strong an' pawin' me like a dang ol' animal, man. I tell her "no means no!"

Yeah, Leanne's bad news, I tell you what. Peggy's brother was all set to marry a pretty pharmacist gal until Leanne "entertained" at his bachelor party. [sighs] So he marries Leanne and after 18 years of drunken hell, she stabs him with a fork.

[Bill plays with a vice, until part of it falls of and hits his foot]:

AAAAOW! OHH!! My foot! I think it's broken!

Uh, well, if it's broken, you're gonna have to get that shoe off.

No! No, no, I - I feel better now. I'm just gonna go ON home.

Don't be silly. Just let me - (tries to remove Bill's shoe) What the...?

Don't look at me! Don't look at me!

[Hank remove Bill's sock, revealing that Bill has a foot fungus. The rest cringe in disgust.]

I never thought I'd say this, but, I don't think I can finish my beer.

It's some kinda Athlete's Foot. I've been using this spray for 10 years. "Quick working" my ass.

What did the doctor say?

The only person I ever showed my toes to was my ex-wife. She used 'em against me in the divorce.

You don't have to be embarrassed about your toes, Bill, it's just a medical condition.

Sure, that's what you say. But I don't see you waving your narrow urethra around for everyone to see.

[Hank looks perplexed.]

S2 E19 Leanne's Saga

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Boomhauer

Hey man, is this dang ol' 911? Hey listen, there's a dang ol' fire in here, and dang ol' Mega-Lo-Mart went boom!

9O911 Operator

Sir, you are going to have to speak a lot more slowly.

Boomhauer

Dang... ol'... Mega-Lo-Mart... done git went got it, and dang ol' boom!

S2 E23 Propane Boom

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Yeah, man, I tell you what, man, dang ol' detector, man, government take away freedom of smoke, talkin' 'bout yo, man.

Yeah, man, I tell you what, man, dang ol' boy ain't right, man, talkin' 'bout kicking dang ol’ ass, man.

Boomhauer

(speaking at normal speed very clearly) For God's sakes, Hank, act like an adult, man. And keep it down, guys, will you? I am trying to get through an article on vintage Camaros, and I've been on the same dang page for twenty minutes.

Dang ol' pretty, pretty pizza, man, I tell you what.

S3 E10 A Fire Fighting We Will Go

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Come on, Hank, pick up the pace.

(Struggling to keep his damaged glasses on) I can't see where I'm going. (Turns to Bill) Damn you, Bill.

Boomhauer

Shh... Man, dang ol' disrespectful. (Also turns to Bill) Man... lift, Bill, man.

I am. It's Dale, he's faking it.

(Barely holding the casket with his arm) Am not.

Dale, no wonder my end feels so heavy. Get your hands on the casket.

It's bad luck.

Told you it was bad luck.

S3 E10 A Fire Fighting We Will Go

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Bobby

How long should we stay angry at my dad?

Boomhauer

Well... you know Bobby, I talk, tell you now, take it from me, man, that ol' life too short, man, you don't wanna hold no grudge, man. Talkin' bout, you let ol' bygones be bygones, man. Maybe two weeks, I don't know, probably three.

Bobby

You know Mr. Boomhauer, I can see why my dad is always quoting you.

Boomhauer

Man, that, your daddy quote me? Got dang, ol' man. Maybe just, don't, make, make it a one week.

S5 E17 It's Not Easy Being Green

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He's...he's gone! Bill's dead!

Boomhauer

[Crying] Oh, dang 'ol, dang 'ol Bill, man!

[Taking his hat off in tribute] Bill was a good friend. He gave his life to save ours. I can safely say I would not have done the same for him.

[Sighs] The last thing I told him was he had bad breath. I wish I would've told him that he was a brave man...honest...sweet...[starts tearing up]...like a...big old stuffed teddy bear...[The otherwise-stoic Hank breaks down sobbing.] Oh God...I'm gonna miss him...

[Hank, Boomhauer and Dale begin crying inconsolably at the death of their friend Bill...including Bill himself. Hearing his voice, they stop crying, and look around to find the source of the sound. Bill is seen partly visible behind some shrubbery.]

Bill?!

[The three rush over to Bill, who is alive, but bruised and covered in dirt.]

[relieved] You're alive! You made it out in time!

Somehow I got blowed out by the asplosion...that hurt. Ow. Hey look, my- my carpal tunnel is gone.

[Bill lifts his right hand, which is horrifically mangled. His friends cringe.]

That is gross.

I heard what you guys said though - that I was brave and honest and a good friend. Do you still think that, now that I'm not dead?

Yup.

Yup.

Boomhauer

Mm-hmm.

[Satisfied with this response, Bill passes out with a smile on his face.]

S6 E13 Tankin' It To The Streets

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At a market near the Mexico/US border

I don't mean to sound racist, but this by far is the best selection of beans I have ever seen. I'm serious.

Oooh, tacos! Can I buy one?

No!

How about some pig's feet? They look clean.

No! No food! You're going to get sick and this isn't some two-mile ride home from a pie-eating contest.

How about a banana? It comes in it's own wrapper.

Hank{sighing}: Fine.

Bill grabs bushels of bananas then proceeds to go pay for them. Hank sees shopkeeper sweeping

Uhh.. ¿Por favor? ¿Cervezas Alamo?

Shopkeeper points to a display of a Mexican cowgirl enticing customers to buy Alamo

Bill, Boomhauer & Dale{in unison}: Whoa!

Outside the Mexican market. The guys enjoy a long-awaited Alamo Beer, except Bill, who eats a banana

Yup.

Yup.

Boomhauer

Yup.

One beer's not going to hurt my driving. Look how fat I am!

Sorry, Bill. That's what you get for having a mouth full of banana when we all said "Not It."

Returning to Arlen. Bill is driving Dale's van

Dang those bananas!

Step on it, Bill! I don't know which way it's coming out, but it's coming out!

S6 E16 Beer and Loathing

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Hank Rutherford Hill, you are within one hundred feet of me, and much as I like to scoff at the law, I also like to arbitrarily enforce it. Skedaddle, boy. We got a tunnel to dig under the alley!

What?

Yep. It's gonna go from Dale's house, my house to Boomhauer's house!

A little 3 way friendship tube and you ain't invited!

The only rules are no spitting and no cutting other people's fingers off. You probably wouldn't like them down there, Hank.

Boomhauer

Yeah, man, talkin' 'bout no dang ol' psychos allowed, man.

Good God, you're serious?! The alley is city property. As block captain I will come down on you with the full authority of my office. And who the hell are you?

Hank, you know Octavio. He's my gal Friday. Does anything I want. Now you, scoot. 100 feet. Move it.

[This made Hank furious. Hank points at Dale.]

You shut your got-dang mouth or I'll shove that Ditch Witch down your throat and dig a tunnel straight through to sunshine!

BJBig Jim

Ha ha, that's telling him.

'Felt good, too.

Back off, Hank, or Octavio will mess you up.

OOctavio

Gribble, I don't care if he stays or goes. Where's the money you owe me, esse?

You heard him.

BJBig Jim

Take the first shot, Cochise. I love two things: building doll house furniture and kicking ass. And I don't see any no houses 'round here. You see any doll houses, Hank?