King of the Hill · Season 15
I was thinking, maybe after this, if you've got things covered, I could make a... special delivery.
Get outta here. Go see your girl.
Are you sure? Because I could stay.
You shouldn't work so much. When I was your age, I was sneaking outta my job all the time to see my girlfriend. And then I was sneaking outta her house to see my other girlfriend. And then they both found out, so I was sneaking everywhere.
[as Hank and his friends try to figure out who owns an electric truck parked on their street]
Tote bag, tote bag. Ooh! Maybe she was gonna go get vegetables at the farmer's market on the way home from work, because she's a busy professional single mom who gives her sons everything, except the one thing she can't- a male influence.
Keep it in your pants, Bill. We don't know it's a woman.
Dale's right.
We don't even know if it's human.
Dale's wrong.
[after Chane fires Emilio for lying to him about dating Connie]
I'm so sorry. You're the Goose to my Maverick and I was saying that before they rebooted the franchise.
Still haven't seen it, but now I guess I have time.
I'll get Chane to hire you back. Please don't take another job.
Okay, but I can't go that long without working. Last time, I got really into ceramics and day drinking.
Sir, your son fired our best employee.
Yeah? Well I should have fired you! ... Dad, fire Bobby!
If you're gonna fire anybody, fire Chane. All he does is bring his frat bros in for free sake bombs.
All you do is sneak out to deliver snacks to my sloppy seconds!
Oh, we're going there?
I'm already there!
Well I'm gonna go there too!
Come on! Let's do this!
Enough! Enough! I'm not a marriage counselor! Chane, you begged me to buy into this restaurant, and I thought, "Well, at least he doesn't wanna be a professional snowboarder anymore." But the best way to learn any business is from the ground up. I started in the mail room.
Whoa, dad... you were poor?
I thought it was helping you, but it's turned you into... this!
Rude.
But true.
You can't let this business fail, that's why you're going to take Emilio's place in the kitchen.
Me?
Him?! [to Chane] You sure you don't wanna be a professional snowboarder? It is not too late.
[as Emilio comes to rescue Bobby and Chane from the locked basement of the restaurant]
Emilio! My sweet, sweet man! Thank you for coming so fast.
We need you back, man. You can start right after you let us out.
Really?
Yeah. Working here sucks. You can have it.
I don't know. I'd love to come back, but I'm fielding a lot of offers from Michelin Star places.
We'll give you a raise.
How big?
Twenty percent?
Ten percent?
Twenty-five. I'm also gonna need a title bump to Executive Sous Chef, and on Thursday nights, my Steely Dan cover band gets to play here.
I hate Steely Dan! I don't even know what genre it is.
That's the first thing we've agreed on all night. Is it jazz? What is it?
So uh, how's Nancy liking her... truck?
She likes it fine. John Redcorn installed a charger at his place. Fine by me. Let his electricity bill go up. I win again! Wingo!
[his phone buzzes] Huh. Looks like Bobby and Connie are official.
Awww.
Talkin' 'bout doin' dang ol' hard launch, man.
Wonder why they took so long to tell us.
[offscreen]
NOOO! ANYONE BUT HIM!!!
DAMN YOU, BOBBY HILL!!!
[as Peggy shows Hank a small dog she's fallen for]
That's a dog?
Ah, I gather you've met Caesar Salad. He's a two-year-old mixed breed.
Isn't he cute, Hank?
He looks ill.
I assure you, he's perfectly healthy, aside from the conditions listed on the card.
[reading the card] Anxiety, depression, sun sensitivity, afraid of potted plants???
Would you be interested in fostering Caesar for a few weeks? Just until we can find him a permanent owner?
In other words, you're Son the dog needs a substitute teacher?
Uh, I suppose that's one way of looking at it.
I come in, I teach him a few tricks, turn his life around, and send him off into the brave new world! This is what Peggy Hill was born to do! What do you think, Hank?
[still reading the card] Hostile towards shadows? Dear God, there's a second card!
Dad's stuff is all gone from the garage. Did he move back in?
[from across the street] No, I did not. I left, with my dignity intact!
I kicked you out! You were crying so loud, I could hear it through the garage!
[begins to approach] I was reading a sad book, called "our wedding album."
Hey, we agreed! You stay on that side of the street!
I don't understand. Dad, where do you live now?
With me! [Kahn sighs] Yeah, we're just two single guys having a grand old time! No wives, just vibes! All are welcome... except wives.
Ha! Hank Hill is holding an umbrella for a dog! Your life is falling apart!
Aren't you living with Bill?
No! Bill is living with me! ... at Bill's house.
Kahn, you sound troubled. Tough day?
Yes! I'm upset because Minh basically gets Connie the whole weekend! Stupid schedule.
[hugging Kahn] Shh-shh-shh. There, there, deep breaths, Kahn. [they breathe deep together] Don't let Minh push your buttons. That's what she wants.
I know...
Now, how about we go home, I make us some dinner, maybe draw a bath...?
With extra bubbles?
Let's start with the normal amount of bubbles and then we'll go from there.
Bobby Hill, put a shirt on, and step away from my precious daughter!
Okay, but let's all remember who's the real bad guy here. The dog.
The dog wasn't the one engaging in amorous congress under my roof.
It can't, because it has an inverted penis.
[Kahn approaches]
What's all the fuss?
Oh good. More people.
I caught your daughter participating in fatherless behavior with Bobby Hill!
Bobby Hill, did you de-flower my daughter?!
No sir. We didn't even get to doing anything, we were just... warming each other up.
Stop!
That's enough!
Ew!
Shut up! Shut up!
Okay, I can see that tendons are a little high right now, do how about we all just get some sleep and talk about this over dinner tomorrow, which I'm paying for?
Bobby, we are not having dinner with you. Come on, Connie, let's go back home.
No! All you've done since I've been home is complain about dad and insult Bobby. I don't wanna be around that.
... Hey, Connie, why don't you sleep over at my place, just for tonight?
Ha! You mean Bill's place?
We can hang out and celebrate your birthday. Things are very mellow over there. Super chill.
And Bobby can come too?
[obviously uncomfortable] Of course! Because I support your relationship.
[hugging Kahn from behind] Yaaaay! The more, the merrier! Hank and Peggy can come too, if you'd like!
Do not threaten us, Bill.
I'm gonna go with Connie.
That's fine. Why don't you take those sheets with you?
I'm glad we're getting to spend some quality time together, man to man. And not just any men, the two most important men in Connie's life.
Ugh...
And hey, maybe if we get everything done in time, we could get lunch, or play nine holes of golf. Ten if you're nasty.
[Kahn pulls over, buried his face in his arms and sobs]
What's wrong?
I hate you, Bobby Hill!
... Oh.
I lost my marriage, I'm losing Connie, I live with Bill, and you're dating my daughter again! My life is shit! [sobs more]
There, there. Can I do anything to help?
Open up the door and push me into traffic?
Looks like this dog will only be eating smoothies from now on.
He's hurt that bad? But how will he get his nutrients? A growing dog needs all his protein.
This dog's done growing. Based on his cloudy eyes, loose skin and general odor, I'd say he is about ten years old.
What?
That's impossible! The rescue shelter told us he was two.
Those rescue places always tell you their dogs are two. That way, they don't scare you off. It's like how I tell people I chose to be a vet instead of "I flunked out of med school."
These quotes come from Wikiquote's King of the Hill pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
