King of the Hill · Season 1
[first lines] Yep.
[first lines] Yep.
[first lines] Yep.
[first lines] Mmm-Hmm.
You know what it could be… That damn started motor. You’re getting good compression?
Yeah!
I know what's wrong with it. It's a Ford. You know what they say Ford stands for, don't ya? It stands for 'Fix it again, Tony'.
You're thinking of a Fiat, Dale.
"Fix... it... again..."
Whatcha listenin' to, son?
I don't think you'd like it.
Well, why not? I like this new generation of music. [puts headphones on]
Hello?
[The tape erupts into sudden flatulence]
[takes headphones off] Mother of God, it's all toilet sounds! Where did you record this?
I bought it at the mall! It's the Funny Phone Jerks!
Let me tell you, Bobby, there's nothing "funny" about these sounds! What that person on your tape has is a medical disorder. Now you get ready for the game, OK?
Yes, sir.
[leaving Bobby's room] That boy ain't right.
[The Hill family on the way to Bobby's baseball game]
So, are you ready to kick some Wildcat butt, Bobby?
Okay.
Nah, don't you worry, son. You just do your best.
Don't listen to her, Bobby. If you wanna win, you're gonna have to do better than your best.
How do I do that?
You gotta give a hundred and ten percent. That's what'll give you that winnin' edge.
But what if the Wildcats give a hundred and ten percent, too?
Well, then you gotta try even harder.
How about if Bobby gave a hundred and twelve percent?
Ahm ... sure, that'd work.
Or maybe a hundred and thirteen?
[Annoyed] Yeah, yeah, that's even better.
No, uh, I don't know. Thirteen is a very unlucky number.
Look, we're not talking about thirteen. We're talking about a hundred and thirteen, and even ... uh ... okay, give a hundred and twelve, what's the difference? Look, Bobby. Just do your best, okay?
Excuse me, where's the hardware department?
[Clueless, unsure of how to respond] Where is the hardware department? Uhm, hm, what exactly is it you're looking for?
The hardware department.
Yeah, but are you looking for like a tool or something?
What difference does it make?
Huh, what difference does it make?
Okay, I'm lookin' for a tap and die and some WD-40.
Huh, what is it that you're trying to do?
[Losing patience] I'm tryin' to buy a tap and die and some WD-40 and get out of this God-forsaken store!
Uh ... and what is a tap-and-die?
[angrily, can’t take it anymore] Okay, forget it! Let's say I want a hammer. Do you know what a hammer is? That's what I want, a damned hammer! Now where in the hell would I go?
Hey, that's that Hank Hill fella that lives on the block next to us.
He sure has a temper, doesn't he?
Sure does. Makes you wonder who gave his boy that black eye.
You're gonna have to pay for that, dude.
[Shouting] YOU'RE FIRED!!
[referring to the sound of Bobby throwing a baseball at the living room wall] Dammit! There it is again! Where is that thumpin' comin' from? It's drivin' me crazy!
Could be far-off helicopters... U.N. helicopters.
Dale! What're you doin'? Give me some light! Now! I--I can't see! (Hank drops his wrench) Ow, my arm! (The hood closes) Ow, my head!
Mr. Hill, I feel that you're coming from an anger mindset, and if you're projecting this anger onto me, it gives me grave concerns as to how you facilitate your son's growth in private.
Mister, I have not begun to project my anger onto you!
Please, Mr. Hill? Loud is not allowed.
What the- "Loud is not allowed"? Now you listen to me, mister. (patriotic music starts to play as hank gets increasingly angrier) I work for a livin', and I mean real work, not writin' down gobbledegook! I provide the people of this community with propane and propane accessories. Oh, when I think of all my hard earned tax dollars goin' ta pay a bunch of little twig-boy bureaucrats like you, it just makes me wanna ... oh ... oh God ... it just ... (record scratch)
Hank?
Honey, bring me my BC headache powder and a glass of water.
Alright, Hank.
Now you listen here. You see that boy? (music resumes) That's my boy! And if you ever try to take him away, so help me God, I'll tear ya a new one bigger'n the Grand Canyon! Now I want you to get out of my house. You're not welcome here! I mean NOW, before I give YOU a black eye! GIT!
Bill Dauterive Dale, are you sure you want to be messin' with Hank's truck when he's not around?
I'm gonna help get him this alternator off. (Dale cuts a wire).
Ah, Dale, I think ya released the brake cable! Dale?
No, I didn't. (The truck crashes into the garage door). I guess I'd better get goin', ah, I got some edging to do. (Dale grabs his cap out of the engine and he, along with Bill and Boomhauer, run back to their homes).
Hey, I know what's wrong with your truck. It's your "quote-unquote" pollution controls. I heard on talk radio you don't even need them. They're just an egghead government plot.
How is cutting down on pollution a government plot, Dale?
Open up your eyes, man. They're trying to control global warming. Get it? GLO-BAL.
So what?
That's code for U.N. commissars telling Americans what the temperature's going to be in our outdoors. I say let the world warm up, see what Boutros Boutros-Ghali-Ghali thinks about that! We'll grow oranges in Alaska.
Dale, you giblet-head, we live in Texas. It's already 110°[F] in the summer, and if it gets one degree hotter, I'm gonna kick your ass!
Bobby, you can't make an omelette without breakin' eggs, and you can't get on base without takin' a swing.
The pitcher could walk me, couldn't he?
Don't play lawyer-ball, son.
[discussing Seinfeld] See that part where dang ol' George come in there, he talks 'bout tastin' his own burp and Kramer comes slidin' in there just like he always does. I tell ya what, man, them dang ol' New York boys, just a show about nothin'.
(Mocking his dad) Git out my house! My boy ain't much, but he's all I got!
(Hank is lying on the bed) It's hard, Peggy. I don't wanna lose my little boy. My only son. But, oh, it's hard.
Well, you can relax. The investigation has been off for a week, only Bobby didn't tell us.
[Yelling furiously] I'LL KILL HIM!!!!!
Alright, calm down, honey. Now, let me explain. He didn't do it to be mean, Bobby honestly doesn't think you love him all the time.
That's crazy, 'Course I love him.
Very good. Now, say it to Bobby.
What are you talkin' about?
I want you to tell Bobby that your love for him is unconditional.
Well, I can't say that. I can't! You know how I was raised! What my father's like!
(shown in a flashback to Hank's youth) I got my shins blowed off by a Japanman's machine gun, so don't come cryin' to me with your problems!
Honey, I'm begging you. For the sake of this family, you have got to do it. He's waiting for you out on the porch.
Ah, jeez. Twig-boy coming over here... (Hank goes outside and talks to Bobby) Uh, you, uh, you're my son, uh, well, you know with everything uh, that entails, uh...
Uh-huh.
Uh, huh, you know, uh, feelings of, uh, fondness, and more, uh, heh, uh, you know what I mean, don't you, boy?
No.
Uhh, well uh, (Hank makes a weird sound) Huh, that's a hell of a weird sound, I've never made that before. Uh, I, you, uh, family. You're not making this easy on me, boy. (sighs) Okay, I love you no matter what you do. There, phew, let's go get something to eat.
I'm not, just a big disappointment to you?
Disappointment? No, you make me proud. I've been disappointed by just about everything else in this town, but you? Not once. Dammit, you're my boy. Heh, you know better than that. (Bobby laughing)
He punched him! I, I knew it! I told them! Did-did you see that?
See what, twig-boy?
(sighs) Never mind.
Now, Bobby, you may have noticed that there is a difference between a man and a woman.
...a rather obvious difference.
You mean the penis?
Hank walks into the kitchen, Peggy is finishing up a phone call:
Hey there Peg-Leg!
That was Bobby's principal. Some right-wing maniac just called the health teacher with a death threat and she quit.
Oh well. I'm sure it was just some harmless nutcase.
Hey, on the bright side, since there's no one to teach that sex-ed course, we can put all this ugliness back in the closet.
Oh, no, Hank. They found someone. They found the Substitute Teacher of the Year.
Uh, 1995?
[No, me, the winner of] 1996.
(Hank grimaces. Cut to commercial)
These quotes come from Wikiquote's King of the Hill pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
