Where's this elevator coming from, hell?
“No Hank Left Behind” · Season 14, Episode 9
In this episode: Hank Rutherford Hill (7), G.H (4), Eli (3), Bobby Hill (2), Dale Gribble (1), Bill Dauterive (1), Cotton Hill (1), Boomhauer (1)
[busy cooking while on the phone] Oh, I'm so sorry mom, I totally meant to call you back and tell you that I couldn't make it today. We're behind in prepping for the Dallas Foodie Week, that is apparently THIS week, and not next week!
I got the month right.
In short, mom, no pickleball. But next week's wide open-
No no no no!
Dammit! We need a better system!
I can't believe I used to be worried about Bobby and his prop comedy. G.H. is even worse! He just spends a lot of time in that room by himself.
Oh, he's probably, you know, shaking hands with the milkman.
Yup.
Damn straight, man.
That's not something Hill men do, Bill. I didn't at his age.
I did! Some of the ladies in that Zapruder film were very shapely.
Gah!
It's all fake anyway.
[Hank enters G.H.'s room to see him on a laptop, and he immediately closes it]
It's um- what you're doing all the time, uh, it's natural but it's setting up unrealistic expectations. Most repairmen won't accept payment in anything other than cash, or-
GHG.H.
It's not porn! I'm looking into personal development opportunities.
Okay, well, let's see then.
[G.H. opens the laptop and plays a video of a male guru influencer]
EEli
Hey man, if you're watching this, you're probably feeling purposeless and weak, like you're wading in a pit of crap. That's because you've lost track of the four F-bombs. Family. Faith. Finances. And fitness. Don't worry. We've all been there. Over the course of one week, I can give you the tools the build up your F-bombs, but only those committed and relentless can crawl outta that crappy pit. ManMade.
This looks like some good old-fashioned character building.
GHG.H.
Eli's the GOAT. He has a two-day "Boot Camp-inar" coming to Arlen tomorrow. I was gonna go with my settlement money, but boys under 18 can't go without an adult male mantor.
I'll tell you what, G.H., I'll be your... man-tor, although I don't see how that's better than mentor, but I'll also even pay for it, as long as you complete all the F-bombs.
GHG.H.
Sick!
[Hank extends his hand for a handshake, only for G.H. to fistbump it]
Not the best start...
[as Hank and G.H. arrive at the Boot Camp-inar]
MMike
Excuse me, a light breeze blew off my ascot. Did any of you see it?
EEli
[hostile] No. This is a gathering for men. [shoves Mike to the cheers of the others]
GHG.H.
Sick!
EEli
[as Mike begins to walk away and Eli catches him] But wait... we must help our weak, pathetic, emasculated brother, because that's what men do! Do you know the four F-bombs?
MMike
Family, faith, fitness... Damn! What's the last one? [reaches in his pocket and pulls out a handful of cash, holding it to his ear like a phone] Hello? Oh yeah! [rips his overshirt off, revealing a toned body] Finances!
GGatherers
Whoa!
That's clever, see? Because money talks.
[as Hank and G.H. run through an obstacle course, and G.H. starts to lag behind]
Come on, G.H., we can finish this!
GHG.H.
No! I can't! I'm just another weak loser, destined for cuck-titude!
Those words... whatever they mean, have never described a Hill!
EEli
[holding two plastic balls on a string] These are the Nads of Truth. While your brother is holding these balls, the rest of us will listen to what he has to say, and support him. Feel free to share any and all obstacles that you feel are holding you back as a man.
SMShort Man
[given the balls] I'm too short!
EEli
And who tells you you're too short?
SMShort Man
Every woman on Bumble!
DHDivorced Husband
[given the balls] I don't make enough money!
EEli
And who says you don't make enough money?
DHDivorced Husband
My ex-wife.
EEli
Hmmm... another female.
[Hank starts getting suspicious]
JMJoking Man
[given the balls] Nobody gets my jokes!
EEli
And who doesn't get your jokes?
JMJoking Man
Everyone!
EEli
And who is slightly more than half of everyone???
OMThe Other Men
Females!
Fellas, I don't think all women-
EEli
Ah ah ah! G.H. has the nads. Go ahead, brother.
GHG.H.
Brothers, I've been struggling a lot recently, mostly because this girl I really like put me in the friend-zone before I got a chance to ask her out.
OMThe Other Men
That's bullshit! UGH!
Now, hold on-
JMJoking Man
Hiiighwaaay tooo theee friend-zone! [beat] See?! Nobody ever gets my jokes!
Now, G.H., I tell you h'what-
EEli
NADS.
[takes the balls] Just because a girl wants to be your friend doesn't mean she's a bad person.
GHG.H.
Nads. [given the balls] But do friends stay up late laughing on the phone together? Or talk about problems we have with our parents?
[takes the balls] That sounds like a pretty good friend, I-
GHG.H.
[takes the balls] She was leading me on! Eli's right! Females are the problem!
If she just wants to be your friend, that's her choice, and you need to respect her decision.
[the other men all groan and voice their disapproval]
What's the problem with respecting her decision? That's the foundation for a good relationship!
EEli
Yeah, if you're a spineless, dickless jellyfish.
GMGamer Man
Actually, I think jellyfish-
EEli
Remember we talked about which animals have dicks!
I think all of you need a lesson on chivalry.
SMShort Man
You're a beta!
GMGamer Man
Jellyfish!
[takes the balls] Alright, nad talk over. Don't listen to them, G.H.
GHG.H.
Why would I listen to you?
Because I'm almost certain that I'm the only one here who still has a wife.
ADr. Alexander
Her knee will be fine, however, I can't help but notice there's some scar tissue in her groin area, like she was kicked by a twelve-year-old some time ago.
[clears his throat] You can tell it was a twelve-year-old???
[in a flashback to G.H.'s birth, and Cotton Hill gives G.H. to Hank]
You can only hold him for a second! I gotta stay alive so Good Hank doesn't come out as terrible as you did!
[flashes back to the present]
Too bad, old man.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's King of the Hill pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.