[In the beseiged embassy]
EOEmbassy official
They're trying to ram the perimeter wall.
They won't breach it, we built that wall.
All S1
Characters
DennisTim Healy · 170 quotes
OzJimmy Nail · 169 quotes
NevilleKevin Whately · 139 quotes
BarryTimothy Spall · 101 quotes
WayneGary Holton · 100 quotes
BomberPat Roach · 94 quotes
MMoxey89 quotes
WymanNoel Clarke · 13 quotes
DDagmarBrigitte Kahn · 12 quotes
FFraser12 quotes
BrendaJulia Tobin · 11 quotes
GGrunwald9 quotes
PPringle7 quotes
UUlrich7 quotes
ChristaLysette Anthony · 6 quotes
HarryKevin Lloyd · 6 quotes
VVicky6 quotes
UUli5 quotes
BBarman4 quotes
ColinRay Winstone · 4 quotes
CCustoms Officer4 quotes
HazelMelanie Hill · 4 quotes
HowardJohn Bowler · 4 quotes
KKemal4 quotes
MagowanMichael Elphick · 4 quotes
TatianaBranka Katić · 4 quotes
CChristineMadelaine Newton · 3 quotes
HHallwood3 quotes
JeffreyBill Nighy · 3 quotes
PatsySheila Reid · 3 quotes
RRod3 quotes
SarahEmily Bruni · 3 quotes
TTracy3 quotes
TTrevorSimon Smith · 3 quotes
Most scenes together: Dennis & Oz (100), Dennis & Neville (95), Oz & Neville (83)
S1 E15Unfinished Business
I've none of the local shekels, whatever they are.
Kip.
Precious little of that on the plane!
[Oz sees cockroaches in their hut]
Don't worry, they don't bother you.
Really?
Well, they do bother you. But it's not fatal.
[Barry describes his emotional reunion with Tatiana]
Did you slip her a length?
Oz! Really!
But did you?
Yes, I did actually.
Well, as far as huts go, I think we've reached rock bottom with this one. No beds, big bugs, no bog and a bamboo roof.
MMozey
Yeah, 'cause they've been improving over the years haven't they, the huts? The one in Vientiane was borderline house.
[The lads are caught up as hostages]
Did you see Barry?
Aye
How is he?
Bombed out on opium is how he is.
Aye?
Opium?
Aye, weeeell, opium oot here's like marmite back home, there's a jar in every hoose.
I'm used to bullshit, but I've never laid bricks with it.
[An urgent diversion is needed]
Dennis! Say that again and I'll knock your bloody block off!
What?!
What you said man, about my Marjorie!
Ohhhhh right! I meant that!
Did you?!
Aye, I did!
[Dennis and Oz break out fighting]
[The lads can't wait to get away after the rescue]
Hey! Hang on a minute! We're forgetting something aren't we? We haven't finished this yet, man! These villagers aren't going anywhere and we promised them a wash house.
I totally agree with Dennis. We can't leave them in the lurch. Plus, they've been extremely kind to me, it's not right.
Give us a break guys!
Den man, in three days we can be back in Bangkok, where I've got unfinished business in a whirlpool.
Oz, can you remember us ever not finshing a job? Nev?
Why Africa, but there was only a spot of plastering to do like.
Doesn't sit right man?
NNaomi
Have you guys gone mad in the sun or something?
No, Den's right, get yourself a bowl of noodles pet, we've got a roof to finish.
[Closing scene; Dennis, Neville and Oz are on the ferry to Germany]
Hey, what did your Brenda say, when you told her we were going back to Germany?
She said, 'Auf Wiedersehen, Pet'.
[Opening words]
[Voiceover as he writes a postcard on the ferry to Holland] "Dearest Brenda, we are now at sea. I stood on deck and watched the coast of England disappear into the distant mist. Who knows what lies ahead? A better future for us, that is my fervent hope. Well, there's no more room for anything else, except to say I love you and miss you; Your Neville."
[On the ferry, Dennis and Oz are at the bar, while Neville is sat down, looking seasick]
[To Neville] Oi, Nev! D'yer not want a drink? [Neville shakes his head] Or d'ya want some crisps? We got Scotch eggs! [He laughs]
I don't think he's found his sea legs yet, Dennis, eh?
Yeh, well, he's missing their Brenda, yer kna, I mean they do at that age.
Oh aye? Right, cheers, Den!
Cheers, mate, aye. [Oz takes a swig of his beer while Dennis bites into a roll]
He could be having second thoughts, yer know aboot the...
Oh, he was havin' them a week ago, man. So I says to him, I said, "Listen", I said, "If you want that posh house on that new estate, it's the only way yer ganna get it, without lining the tax man's pockets for once", yer kna!
Well yer kna what they say. Pelicans, penguins and the Inland Revenue have all got one thing in common.
What's that?
They can all shove their bills up their arse!
[Arriving at Hook of Holland, Oz's car, which has seen better days, gets off the ferry...]
[As the radio loses frequency...] Well, lads, I'm afraid we're losing Radio 1.
Never knew we had it in this wreck.
'Ey, 'ey, canny car, this car.
What have yer got a Sunderland sticker on the back for? Didn't kna you supported them.
No, no, I don't, I don't, but the bloke I bought it off did, yer know. I was gonna try an' scrape it but I thought I might lose the bumper. [Sees the car ahead move on.] Whoa, man. Here we go. [To Neville in the back] Now don't panic, Neville. We'll all stick to the same story, right? We're off to catch butterflies in Bavaria!
[Oz gets pulled aside at Customs...]
Customs. Do you have anything to declare?
Er, no. Just the duty free. Scotch, cigarettes.
Can you open the back, please?
Yeah, erm, can you give us the keys, Oz?
It doesn't lock.
[Dennis gets out of the car and opens the boot. A female Customs officer checks their bags and pulls out a spirit level.]
FFemale Officer
What is this?
It's a spirit level.
FFemale Officer
What's "spirit level"?
Well, I'll show you. [Takes the spirit level and places it up beside a wall.]
What does it mean?
Yer wall's not plumb!
[The lads stop off at a motorway services. Oz and Dennis bring coffee and ham & cheese rolls to a table where Neville is sat, writing yet another postcard]
Oh. Another postcard, is it, Neville(?)
[as he and Oz sit at the table] He promised Brenda he'd keep in touch.
"Keep in touch"?! He wrote the first one at Darlington, man! Yer gonna blow all yer money on postage, lad.
She didn't want us to come. [Licks the back of a stamp and affixes it to the postcard] She said she'd accepted it; "Whatever's best for us", she said... then last night she was a bit tearful.
Mine never said a word.
That's not like your missus.
Nah, well I must admit I never gave her a chance, like, y'know, I... sneaked out the back door and made a dawn departure, like. Pushed the car down the hill so it didn't make a noise. [Chuckles]
You did a runner on yer wife?
Ah, you don't know his Marjorie. She's a right ball-breaker. I've seen her breakin' balls of innocent bystanders!
Last time I came out I didn't bother tellin' her I was comin'. Just said, er, "I'm goin' down to the newsagents, pet, gettin' the Sporting Chronicle". Three months I was away, that time.
Three months?! What'd she say when you got back?
"What won the 4.30?" [Laughs]
I've never worked abroad before. I've been abroad, like. Me an' Brenda went to Minorca twice.
Twice? Why twice?
...Well, we liked it the first time.
Whereaboots is it, Minorca?
Um... I'm not really sure. We flew non-stop from Newcastle.
[Leaving the bar, the lads start to make their way to Oz's car.]
Hey, why'd you have to give that German fella money anyway, Dennis?
Well, he got us the job, man. See, that's like his backhander, yer kna.
[A young lad in a red jacket with raven black hair with blue streaks, his bags, a spirit level and a Cockney accent exits the railway station]
Oy, oy! What's the word, then, eh?
Eh? What's the what then?
How's it going?
All right. [They walk off, but the man follows them to the car.]
You said you were off to, er, Düsseldorf, is that right?
Er... might be. [They open the car doors.]
Got a car, then?
Nah, only this.
Hey, hey!
Hey, any chance of a lift, like?
I'm afraid not, son. See, we've got all wor gear an' there's the three of us, like.
Yeah, yeah. Thanks. Do the same for you sometime, right(?) [Walks off, annoyed.]
Spurs. You can tell, man.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Auf Wiedersehen, Pet pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.