Dennis quotes from Auf Wiedersehen, Pet

Dennis

Every Tuesday and Friday, I drive a drug dealer round the housing estates and the shopping centres. Why would I do that, eh? Because it's my biggest payday of the week. The rest of the time I work the Graveyard Shift, y'know? "Bigger tips at night" even though you've got to clean up after blow-jobs and drunks. If I had Ten Thousand Pounds, d'you think that would be my life?

They're trying to ram the perimeter wall.

Dennis

They won't breach it, we built that wall.

Oz

I've none of the local shekels, whatever they are.

Dennis

Kip.

Oz

Precious little of that on the plane!

Oz

Dennis! Say that again and I'll knock your bloody block off!

Dennis

What?!

Oz

What you said man, about my Marjorie!

Dennis

Ohhhhh right! I meant that!

Oz

Did you?!

Dennis

Aye, I did!

Dennis

Hey! Hang on a minute! We're forgetting something aren't we? We haven't finished this yet, man! These villagers aren't going anywhere and we promised them a wash house.

Barry

I totally agree with Dennis. We can't leave them in the lurch. Plus, they've been extremely kind to me, it's not right.

Wyman

Give us a break guys!

Oz

Den man, in three days we can be back in Bangkok, where I've got unfinished business in a whirlpool.

Dennis

Oz, can you remember us ever not finshing a job? Nev?

Neville

Why Africa, but there was only a spot of plastering to do like.

Dennis

Doesn't sit right man?

Have you guys gone mad in the sun or something?

Oz

No, Den's right, get yourself a bowl of noodles pet, we've got a roof to finish.

Dennis

Hey, what did your Brenda say, when you told her we were going back to Germany?

Neville

She said, 'Auf Wiedersehen, Pet'.

Dennis

[To Neville] Oi, Nev! D'yer not want a drink? [Neville shakes his head] Or d'ya want some crisps? We got Scotch eggs! [He laughs]

Oz

I don't think he's found his sea legs yet, Dennis, eh?

Dennis

Yeh, well, he's missing their Brenda, yer kna, I mean they do at that age.

Oz

Oh aye? Right, cheers, Den!

Dennis

Cheers, mate, aye. [Oz takes a swig of his beer while Dennis bites into a roll]

Oz

He could be having second thoughts, yer know aboot the...

Dennis

Oh, he was havin' them a week ago, man. So I says to him, I said, "Listen", I said, "If you want that posh house on that new estate, it's the only way yer ganna get it, without lining the tax man's pockets for once", yer kna!

Oz

Well yer kna what they say. Pelicans, penguins and the Inland Revenue have all got one thing in common.

Dennis

What's that?

Oz

They can all shove their bills up their arse!

Oz

[As the radio loses frequency...] Well, lads, I'm afraid we're losing Radio 1.

Dennis

Never knew we had it in this wreck.

Oz

'Ey, 'ey, canny car, this car.

Dennis

What have yer got a Sunderland sticker on the back for? Didn't kna you supported them.

Oz

No, no, I don't, I don't, but the bloke I bought it off did, yer know. I was gonna try an' scrape it but I thought I might lose the bumper. [Sees the car ahead move on.] Whoa, man. Here we go. [To Neville in the back] Now don't panic, Neville. We'll all stick to the same story, right? We're off to catch butterflies in Bavaria!

Customs. Do you have anything to declare?

Dennis

Er, no. Just the duty free. Scotch, cigarettes.

Can you open the back, please?

Dennis

Yeah, erm, can you give us the keys, Oz?

Oz

It doesn't lock.

What is this?

Dennis

It's a spirit level.

What's "spirit level"?

Dennis

Well, I'll show you. [Takes the spirit level and places it up beside a wall.]

What does it mean?

Dennis

Yer wall's not plumb!

Oz

Oh. Another postcard, is it, Neville(?)

Dennis

[as he and Oz sit at the table] He promised Brenda he'd keep in touch.

Oz

"Keep in touch"?! He wrote the first one at Darlington, man! Yer gonna blow all yer money on postage, lad.

Neville

She didn't want us to come. [Licks the back of a stamp and affixes it to the postcard] She said she'd accepted it; "Whatever's best for us", she said... then last night she was a bit tearful.

Oz

Mine never said a word.

Dennis

That's not like your missus.

Oz

Nah, well I must admit I never gave her a chance, like, y'know, I... sneaked out the back door and made a dawn departure, like. Pushed the car down the hill so it didn't make a noise. [Chuckles]

Neville

You did a runner on yer wife?

Dennis

Ah, you don't know his Marjorie. She's a right ball-breaker. I've seen her breakin' balls of innocent bystanders!

Oz

Last time I came out I didn't bother tellin' her I was comin'. Just said, er, "I'm goin' down to the newsagents, pet, gettin' the Sporting Chronicle". Three months I was away, that time.

Neville

Three months?! What'd she say when you got back?

Oz

"What won the 4.30?" [Laughs]

Neville

I've never worked abroad before. I've been abroad, like. Me an' Brenda went to Minorca twice.

Oz

Twice? Why twice?

Neville

...Well, we liked it the first time.

Oz

Whereaboots is it, Minorca?

Neville

Um... I'm not really sure. We flew non-stop from Newcastle.

Neville

Hey, why'd you have to give that German fella money anyway, Dennis?

Dennis

Well, he got us the job, man. See, that's like his backhander, yer kna.

Wayne

Oy, oy! What's the word, then, eh?

Dennis

Eh? What's the what then?

Wayne

How's it going?

Dennis

All right. [They walk off, but the man follows them to the car.]

Wayne

You said you were off to, er, Düsseldorf, is that right?

Oz

Er... might be. [They open the car doors.]

Wayne

Got a car, then?

Dennis

Nah, only this.

Oz

Hey, hey!

Wayne

Hey, any chance of a lift, like?

Dennis

I'm afraid not, son. See, we've got all wor gear an' there's the three of us, like.

Wayne

Yeah, yeah. Thanks. Do the same for you sometime, right(?) [Walks off, annoyed.]

Oz

Spurs. You can tell, man.

[Singing] Rule Britannia / Marmalade and jam / Five Chinese crackers up your arsehole / Bang-Bang-Bang-Bang-Bang!

Oz

[Under the hood with Dennis] Turn it over, Nev. Give it another try. [Neville does so, but it's no good.]

Wayne

'Ey, 'ey? What's the word then?

Dennis

Choked's as good a word as any!

Wayne

[Laughs at the lads' misfortune] I might've given you a lift, y'know, but there's, er, not enough room for the three of you!

Oz

Ho'way with yer, London. We'll manage!

Wayne

See you in church! [The lorry drives away]

Neville

[Gets out of the car and checks underneath] Bottom of the sump's dropped off!

Oz

What?

Neville

The sump, man! The oil's all run oot! Engine must have seized.

Dennis

Can it be fixed?

Neville

Nah. It's a new engine, that. [Frustrated, Neville gets the bags out of the car.]

Dennis

If we get this fixed in a German garage, will the insurance cover it?

Oz

I doubt it very much, it's not insured.

Dennis

It has to be insured, man, otherwise you couldn't've got the green card to get the car out of England.

Oz

Ah, well I cancelled the insurance when I got the green card to give us a bit of spendin' money for when I got 'ere, y'see.

Dennis

You were ganna drive all the way to Germany without insurance? What if we had a crash? Eh? What if we'd ended up in a German hospital? We're not on the German national health, yer kna!

Oz

Well, we didn't, did we?

Dennis

But we could've done! What if the engine had seized on the fast lane, eh? One of the them big juggernauts up our arse?

Oz

We've never been in the fast lane.

Dennis

Should never have left nowt to you! [Slams the driver door shut in frustration] I won't again. You're totally irresponsible, you, Oz! It has to be said!

Dennis

Herr Grunwald?

Ja?

Dennis

Reporting for work, sir. [Hands papers to Grunwald] Patterson, Osbourne and Hope. Er, Herr Pfister signed us on - two brickies and a chippie. [Neville motions to Dennis] Er, unless you want another brickie.

Why?

Dennis

Er, well we know one if you do.

Nein. [Dennis looks at Neville as if to say "I tried"] It is not good, I think, to arrive so late.

Dennis

Yes, well sorry, sir. We had a bit of bother on the roads. [Glares at Oz] Look, can we just check in the hostel and we'll get back here smartish, eh?

The hostel is full. You will have to stay on the compound. [The lads look into the site]

Dennis

I thought we'd be in the hostel.

First served, first come. Put your things in your hut. [Walks away]

Oz

'Hut'? What's he talkin' about, 'hut'?

Dennis

It's pro tem, man. Pro tem. Howay.

Neville

[To Dennis] You said we'd be in a hostel with table tennis and baths.

Dennis

Aye, well we would've been, wouldn't we, if we'd've been on time! [Oz doesn't respond.]

Neville

...Where are we?

Oz

Stalag 17 by the look of things.

Neville

Eeh, is there anywhere to go round here?

Dennis

I don't know, Neville, you've seen as much of this place as I have.

Neville

Aye, but you've been here before.

Dennis

Not to this site, I haven't. Neville, I can't choose the site! I'm a bricklayer, I'm not a bloody architect! [Spots a builder walking in their direction] Oi! [The builder approaches, he's significantly taller and more well built than the other three] Er, excuse me, d'yer speak English?

Bomber

[In a Bristolian accent] 'Tis my mother tongue, my dear. Spoke it all my life. The name's Bomber.

Dennis

Which is the best hut, Bomber?

Bomber

Oh, I'd take that one. [Glances over to his left] The other one's got all the Turks in. We calls it the Casbah. [Walks off.]

Dennis

There ya go, Nev. That makes it all worthwhile, eh? First pay packet.

Bomber

And Bomber's last!

What? You are leaving?

Bomber

And not soon enough, me ol' duck! Got a nice job lined up, I have. Bristol, new bypass. Good money, home every night and English ale. [Walks off]

Dennis

[Sotto voce to Neville] If, eh, they need a brickie, I'll steam in there Monday, all reet?

Neville

Great!

Wayne

Who's this then? Barry Sheene?

Barry

[Stops his bike in front of the three Geordies. Wayne also approaches] Hello again, Dennis!

Dennis

Alreet?

Barry

'Ello, everybody!

Wayne

Oh yeah? Don't believe I've had the pleasure, son!

Barry

Ah, Barry! Barry Taylor. [Shakes Wayne's hand]

Dennis

Thought you'd, er, gone to Mönchengladbach.

Barry

Ah, I didn't like one bit, did I? Didn't like the place nor the site! [Looks around] This looks alright, though! It's got a sort of... better air, hasn't it? Need electricians, do they?

Wayne

Capo's in the hut.

Barry

Ey, I'll chance me arm here then!

Neville

[Holding up his bandaged hand] I do that every day!

Bomber

Bomber's ready. Bomber's away!

Dennis

Aye Bomber. Unstoppable.