Barry quotes from Auf Wiedersehen, Pet

Barry

Look, I’m getting very pissed off with the tone of this interrogation!

Barry

My mind was a whirlwind of conflicting emotions…just seeing her there…confusion, anger, regret, bitterness, and I have to admit, yes there were sexual stirrings; she was wearing these skintight boots that came just below the knee, miniskirt, and there was a flash of thigh in evidence. The perfume…Issey Miyake, I should know, I bought her gallons of it! You see I’ve missed our sessions being in Russia. I’ve felt naked because I’d lost the tools, the coping tools to help me. I know you’re going to say that I was retreating back into my co-dependency tendencies. It’s true, I just wanted to take her in my arms and forgive her and buy her something nice from Versace.

Barry

I know what you're thinking... what's this Gringo doing sitting in a bath, next to a hearse, in the middle of nowhere, reading Hemingway? Well I'd ask the same question if I was in your shoes... that's if you had any.

Oz

Did you slip her a length?

Barry

Oz! Really!

Oz

But did you?

Barry

Yes, I did actually.

Dennis

Hey! Hang on a minute! We're forgetting something aren't we? We haven't finished this yet, man! These villagers aren't going anywhere and we promised them a wash house.

Barry

I totally agree with Dennis. We can't leave them in the lurch. Plus, they've been extremely kind to me, it's not right.

Wyman

Give us a break guys!

Oz

Den man, in three days we can be back in Bangkok, where I've got unfinished business in a whirlpool.

Dennis

Oz, can you remember us ever not finshing a job? Nev?

Neville

Why Africa, but there was only a spot of plastering to do like.

Dennis

Doesn't sit right man?

Have you guys gone mad in the sun or something?

Oz

No, Den's right, get yourself a bowl of noodles pet, we've got a roof to finish.

Dennis

There ya go, Nev. That makes it all worthwhile, eh? First pay packet.

Bomber

And Bomber's last!

What? You are leaving?

Bomber

And not soon enough, me ol' duck! Got a nice job lined up, I have. Bristol, new bypass. Good money, home every night and English ale. [Walks off]

Dennis

[Sotto voce to Neville] If, eh, they need a brickie, I'll steam in there Monday, all reet?

Neville

Great!

Wayne

Who's this then? Barry Sheene?

Barry

[Stops his bike in front of the three Geordies. Wayne also approaches] Hello again, Dennis!

Dennis

Alreet?

Barry

'Ello, everybody!

Wayne

Oh yeah? Don't believe I've had the pleasure, son!

Barry

Ah, Barry! Barry Taylor. [Shakes Wayne's hand]

Dennis

Thought you'd, er, gone to Mönchengladbach.

Barry

Ah, I didn't like one bit, did I? Didn't like the place nor the site! [Looks around] This looks alright, though! It's got a sort of... better air, hasn't it? Need electricians, do they?

Wayne

Capo's in the hut.

Barry

Ey, I'll chance me arm here then!

Neville

[Holding up his bandaged hand] I do that every day!

Dennis

[Whispering] Shut up, man, you'll wake everybody up, man.

Barry

[In bed] Can you be quiet, please?

Oz

Sorry, sorry, I kicked the bucket...

Neville

[Still awake] Dennis?

Dennis

Aye? Sorry, did he wake yer up?

Neville

Nah, I wasn't sleeping. [Oz pulls up next to Dennis] Did yer have a good time?

Oz

Oh, hey, it was magic. Magic!

Neville

Did you go to the, er...?

Oz

Why-aye, I did.

Dennis

Oz and Bomber did. I gave it a miss, me.

Neville

Where is Bomber?

Oz

Ho, he's still there. I think he's bought a season ticket, Bomber.

Neville

What was it like?

Oz

Oh, Nev, it was fantastic. [Getting louder] I had this gorgeous tart, I mean, admit it, Dennis, wasn't she gorgeous?

Dennis

Yeah, she wasn't bad.

Barry

Will you be quiet, please?

Oz

[Loudly] Ah, bollocks, man! [Slightly quieter] She was Eurasian, Nev, yer kna... or somewhere like that. But, I mean, let's face it, yer don't get the chance with birds like that back home, do yer? I mean...

Neville

Was it, like, different, was it?

Oz

Cor! Tell you one thing, mate - sex is in its infancy in Gateshead.

Wayne

Hey, she was a bit tasty that interviewer, eh? Old Nev should've steamed in there!

Oz

Aye, they've got some canny boilers, the Germans, like, I'll give 'em that.

Dennis

But nothin' else, though.

Oz

. Well, the beer's passable. [His comments start attracting the attention of a few German workers]

Bomber

You passes enough of it.

Oz

No, no, no. To be fair, I've only been here three weeks, I mean.

Dennis

Doesn't make any difference, does it? You could be here three years, and all you'd see was bierhalles, massage parlours...

Oz

So yer gettin' at me again? [Bomber nods]

Dennis

Look, you could use workin' here as an education, yer kna. You could learn from it.

Oz

Look, man, look. I lay bricks, that's what I do. I get up in the morning and for eight hours a day, five days a week, I lay bricks, alreet? It doesn't make no difference to me if it's Dusseldorf or Darlington. I just lay bricks man. [The German workers shake their heads and prepare to confront Oz.]

Barry

It depends how you use your time off, don't it, eh? I mean Nev's got the right idea, he's integrating himself, I mean.

Oz

Oh, has he?

Barry

Yeah, that's what Kevin Keegan did. When Kevin Keegan went to Hamburg, he made a real effort to adapt...

Oz

[To Dennis, who's gone to the bar] Get us a bottle, will ya?

Barry

And Mrs. Keegan! They learn the language, and they made a wide variety of friends amongst the German community.

Oz

Oh, aye? So how come he transferred to Southampton, then? I mean Germany must be pretty desperate if he preferred Southampton!

Dennis

[Returning to the table with some more beers] Have yer been there, like, have ya? [Three of the German workers stands behind Dennis.]

Oz

Course I have...

I have a question for you.

Oz

Oh aye? Wanna see me papers, do ye?

If Germany is such no good place, why don't you piss off back to England? [Dennis winces as Oz breaks a bottle and grabs the German worker]

Bomber

[To the barman] Six pils, and six rounds of ham and cheese. [Oz enters the bar, the lads say nothing.] What'll it be, Oz?

Oz

Just the usual.

Bomber

[To the barman] Another pils.

Him? Out!

Bomber

Oh don't be daft, he only wants a swift half.

He is not to come here!

Oz

Well what's I done now?

Dennis

[Gets up and approaches the bar] All right.

Oz

What's I done?

[To Dennis] Last night!

Dennis

That don't count! Come on, man. Give him a beer. [The barman reluctantly puts a seventh beer on the table. Oz goes over to the others.]

Barry

Did you get the boot then?

Oz

Aye, yeah. [He sits at the table, with the others, followed by Barry and Dennis, who puts a beer in front of Oz.]

Neville

I'm really sorry, Oz. I didn't mean...

Oz

Oh nae, it's not your fault, Neville, it's them bastards!

Dennis

Come off it. You've only got yourself to blame, you brought this on yourself.

Oz

How's that, like?

Dennis

Because you're always soundin' off at the Germans! They're just a canny bunch of lads, same as the rest of us!

Oz

Oh aye? Not that Ulrich!

Dennis

Well, alright, he's a hardnose. But it's his job, man.

Oz

Well Ulrich can put his job right in the shit, couldn't he, if you'd've back us up!

Wayne

What do you mean "back"?

Oz

Walk off in protest.

Barry

Oh, right, like a confrontation with the management over his unfair dismissal.

Dennis

What good d'ya think that's gonna do?

Oz

Well it's ganna leave 'em short, isnit? Then what's he ganna dae?

Dennis

He's gonna ring the agent and order another six Brits! He's got plenty to choose from, there's three million unemployed back home!

Oz

Well, it shouldn't be allowed. It's shouldn't! I mean, we've got wor rights, haven't we?

Dennis

We haven't got any rights, Oz! We're on the lump, man, we're black. Look, if you want worker's rights, then register with the Germans. Pay them income tax, welfare, insurance. Can't have it both ways.

Oz

[Quietly] Right. So... [Louder] So... What yer sayin' is you won't back us up! One of yar own mates! Is that it?

Dennis

Look, Oz, I'm sorry you got the boot, right? We all are. But I can do sod all about it.

Oz

Well you're the one that talked Grunwald into letting Neville stay, aren't ya?

Dennis

There were two other factors that helped Neville: A - the bomb, and B - your big mouth.

Oz

What?

Dennis

Look, I've seen blokes like you come and go all the times I've worked in Germany. Never been out the UK before. Never eaten foreign food, never drank foreign beer. Fish out of water without the wife or the mother to lend a guiding hand. After a week they've lost their passports, they've got pissed, lost most of their money, and become ridiculously nationalistic for the country that can't even bloody employ them in the first place. man! [Oz gets up and walks towards the exit]

Neville

Want another beer, Oz?

Oz

Me? No, no, I know when I'm not wanted? [Exits the bar.]

Oz

It's ten to six, yer kna.

Barry

Yes. Yes, it is, yes, Oz.

Oz

Yeah, but he was supposed to be here at two o'clock!

Barry

Well, maybe his car broke down.

Oz

It's not reet!

Magowan

Well I can think of better things to do than hang around here on a Friday night freezin' me nuts off.

Wiedersehen, Dagmar. Oh, schönes Wochenende. (Goodbye, Dagmar. Have a nice weekend.) [Some of the workers wolf whistle and make suggestive noises at Dagmar as she walks past. Ulrich approaches Oz] What's this? Some kind of British protest meeting?

Oz

We want wor wages, don't wa?

It is not my responsibility, it's the agent who pays you.

Oz

We know that, we know that, we just don't know where he is, man.

This is your business, it is not mine.

Oz

Oh well that's alright, but if we don't get paid, we just don't come to work next week, alreet?

Well, then I send for more out-of-work Engländers. [He gets in his car.]

Barry

We'll get no joy out of him, y'know. [Ulrich drives away, but not before Magowan furiously slams his hand on the roof of the car.]

Dennis

[Entering the hut] Hey, yer seen them lunatics standin' out there, eh? As if that's ganna make him turn up any faster, y'know what I mean, eh!

Neville

Mind, Mr. Pfister's never usually this late, Dennis. I like to get to the post office on a Friday night, that way Brenda gets her money first thing Monday morning. [Moxey pulls the towel all the way over his head and over the bowl.]

Dennis

Ey, there's no panic, man. I mean, yer kna, Don't forget... [Lights his cigarette] This bloke, he must cover, what, fifteen sites in a day, y'know. He could've got held up, had a puncture, yer kna, anything.#

Neville

Suppose so.

[Lifts up his towel] It's like what Bomber told us the other day... [sniffs] ...there were thirty other Brits, y'know, when he was workin' in Essen a year ago waiting for their money. The agent never turned up at all.

Neville

How come?

[Pulls the towel back over the bowl and coughs before pulling the towel back] Well, it turns out... he'd legged it to Hamburg. Left his wife, took all their money and some young Fräulein, y'know, from the a-architect's office. [Coughs and covers his head again.]

Oz

Well, I've had enough of this. I mean, there's no point in standin' here like spare pricks at a wedding, is there? I mean, he knows where we live, doesn'he? [Turns and heads back to the hut]

Bomber

You're right. Might as well get back and put the kettle on, eh? [Also turns and leaves]

Wayne

Ah well, can't keep a nice young Fräulein waiting, I'd better wash me barnet, eh? [Turns and leaves. Barry follows suit.]

Magowan

[Brandishing a hosepipe connected to a gravel suction pump] Well I'm gonna wait it out. Y'know what I'm gonna do when he does turn up?

Barry

Pardon?

Magowan

I'm gonna connect 'im to this hosepipe there and I'm gonna blow gravel right up his jacksie.

Barry

Ah, yes, that is one approach, Magowan, yeah. On the other hand, you could always take a hard line though(!) [Magowan throws down the hosepipe and glares menacingly at Barry, who promptly backs away and heads with the others to the hut.]

Oz

Alright, lads? Pass 'em along. [He puts the beers in front of Dennis to pass down the table.] Hey, it's put wor behind, hasn'it with Pfister being late.

Bomber

Still salvaged our Friday night though. [Raises his glass to Barry.] Cheers, kid.

Barry

We've plenty of time to do a bit of carnage though, Bomb, eh?

Dennis

Hey, I thought you were putting it aside for your future!

Barry

Oh aye, I am, Dennis. Yeah, but I still think, considering under which squallid circumstances we all live, I think it's very important that we, every now and again, you know, just sort of let it all hang out, you know.

Dennis

That's the main reason yer here, y'see. That's the main reason nearly everybody's here. It's not for the money you send back. You're trying to recapture your adolescence, which you lads missed by gettin' married too young in the first place.

Barry

No, not me, Dennis. No. Not married me, no. I like to stay free, you know.

Dennis

Well, you're the exception, you know what I mean, Barry?

Barry

Yeah.

Bomber

I reckon Den's right. We all took the plunge too soon.

Dennis

Nineteen, I was. Bloody madness, man.

Oz

Yeah, and your marriage is down the toilet now, isn'it?

Dennis

I beg yer pardon?

Oz

Well, face facts, Dennis. I mean, yer gettin' divorced, aren't ya? I mean, that's why yer shouldn't keep on to me gettin' on my back about my marriage!

Dennis

Oz, your marriage is a mockery!

Oz

What?!

Dennis

You admitted yerself you don't even send your Marjorie nothin'!

Oz

We're still together, aren't we?

Dennis

Oh aye? Gateshead's most stable couple(!)

Oz

Yeah? There's not that much competition up there these days.

Bomber

Look, we all got hitched for better off or worse! Come the end of the day, I reckons we all knows where our responsibility lies.

Oz

[Noticing a group of ladies walking past their table] Oh, look at that!

Bomber

I likes it! I wish I were their age!

Oz

Well I'm is their age! [Takes his drink and heads for the ladies.]

Bomber

Wait for me! [And so does he, leaving Dennis and Barry at the table.]

Barry

[Adjusts his tie, blushing] They're... very attractive.

Neville

What's got into you, Brenda? ...What do you mean "loonin' around"? ...Of course I'm in the bar, man! That's where the telephone is, isn'it? ...No, there's naebody here but Wayne and Barry playin' cards. ...Eh? Oh, hang on, pet... [puts another coin in the slot] Hang on, man!

Barry

[To the barman] Two pils, please. [To Wayne] What about Neville?

Wayne

[Looks at Neville] He ain't started his first yet. Too busy getting stick from the wife. I dunno, comes in here faithful every Monday, fistful of change, five minutes after the cheap rate starts, rings the missus, good as gold. Gets a verbal bollocking off her. I don't understand married men meself!

Barry

I think I know the reason for this.

Wayne

Oh yeah?

Barry

Yeah, you have a deep-rooted dislike of women. [Wayne is somewhat taken aback by this] Which explains why you have no desire to form a permanent relationship. You're obviously the product of a broken home, right, where you're brought up by parents who fought all the time. [Wayne looks at Barry] I can see you as a child, lyin' awake until the early hours, listenin' to your parents fighting in the living room below. I think a thing like that scars a child for life.

Wayne

Well I suppose it would, yeah.

Barry

Bound to, innit? I thought I'd hit the nail on the 'ead!

Wayne

So, erm... How comes my folks have just had their silver wedding, then? [Turns over a winning hand with his cards. Barry looks confused.] Don't be so put out, they're over the moon about it!

Barry

No, no, you know, I'm chuffed for 'em. Really, yeah. Chuffed.

Oz

Got it workin'.

Wayne

Oh yeah?

Oz

Listen to this. [Turns it on, it plays loud music.]

Neville

[Turns round, still on the phone] Turn that down will yer?

Oz

Ah, bollocks!

Neville

[Back on the phone to Brenda] No, pet! I'm not in a discotheque!

Oz

Morning, campers! Rise and shine!

Neville

[Waking up] Oz?!

Oz

Well, it's not the Duke of Edinburgh, is it?

Barry

[Waking up] I was fast asleep...

Oz

Howay, Dennis, man! G'mornin'! Work to be done!

Dennis

[Throws his bed covers off] Why din' ya pack it in, man!

Oz

I'm back, man.

Thought you'd gone for good.

Oz

Nah, yer can't get rid of me that easy, mate.

Bomber

[Waking up] Oh, I'm dreamin' and havin' a nightmare, Oz has come back!

Oz

Aye, certainly.

Wayne

Where'd you spring from, then?

Oz

Been back home, havven' I? Cadged a lift back home with the lads after the match. Well, why not, you know? Go back home, have a couple of pints with the lads in The Crow, see the wife...

Dennis

Oh, you saw her did yer?

Oz

Certainly. While I was back, I might as well sort her out.

Neville

Aye, I heard you'd been back home.

Oz

How's that, like?

Neville

I was talkin' to Brenda, she told us.

Oz

Ah well look, from now on, we'll just keep the wives' mafia out of our affairs, shall wa? 'Cos one of the good things is Marjorie doesn't know I'm in Dusseldorf. In fact, as far as she's concerned, it's the last place she'll think of lookin' for us! I'm not here, me, I'm the Invisible Man! [Checks his belongings]

Bomber

Well I can't think of anyone less invisible than you, Oz!

Oz

...Hey, where's me stereo?

Wayne

Oh, I've got that, Oz.

Oz

Well ask next time, eh?

Wayne

No, it's.. it's mine now.

Oz

What?!

Wayne

Yeah, I sort of bought it.

Oz

Nae ya didn't!

Barry

Er, I think an explanation is in order. Err, Dennis...

Oz

[To Dennis] Yer, well?

Dennis

Well, Oz, it's, er... like this. Us lads, like, we thought we'd seen the last of you, yer kna. Thought you'd gone for good. So we said to worselves, "What shall we do with his stuff?"

Oz

So what did you do with it?

Dennis

Well, we went through your locker, you know, thinkin' you'd need the money. [Oz checks his locker] And the only things we found of any value were your donkey jacket, your digital clock and your stereo.

Oz

And they're gone an' all! Where are they?

Dennis

Well, eh, we had an auction, Oz.

Oz

An auction?!

Barry

It was a democratic decision. I've got the digital clock.

I got the jacket.

Wayne

And, er, I got the stereo.

Oz

[Looks round] What a bloody nerve!

Dennis

No, wait a minute! Look, we weren't selling you short. I mean, we raised 230 quid! That plus yer three days wages came to nearly £400!

Oz

[Flabbergasted] Oh that's not so bad, 'cos I can borrow a bit to get back! [To Wayne, pointing at the stereo] I'm buyin' that straight back, mate! [To the others] Where's me money?

Dennis

Er... Well, the thing is, Oz, thinking you'd need the money, like, yer kna, we, er... sent it home.

Oz

Home?! But I'm here, man! What's ganna happen to it?

Neville

[Smirking] Well, I think your wife'll find a use for it!

Barry

[Looks outside] It's like a bleedin' quagmire out there, innit? [To Moxey] Reckon we'll be laid off?

[All stuffed up] Suits me. I'm not well. [Sneezes into a hankie.]

Oz

Still ploatin' doon, isn'it?

Wayne

"Ploatin' doon"? An' what's that supposed to mean, then?

Oz

Yer kna... hoyin' it doon, man. Cats and dogs. It's pissin' down, isn'it?

Bomber

At least that's English. It's easier to learn German than understand Geordie.

Wayne

Look, are we playing cards or what?

Neville

It comes from the French - "pleut". [Wayne rolls his eyes.] So, to "pleut" means "to rain" in French. At least, I think it does.

Wayne

Yeah, well you're an educated man you are, Nev. O-Level in woodwork. Can't argue with that, can we(?) [Neville gives Wayne the two-fingered salute.] Do you wanna twist or buy?

Neville

Nah, I'll stick with these, thanks.

Wayne

[To the Turk] Door!

Bomber

I'll stick. [Gets up to shut the door.]

Brought up in a t-tent you were, Ayatollah!

Bomber

Oh, leave the lad alone, we needs the warmth. [Shuts the door.]

Oz

Right, er, twist us a seven. [Wayne deals a card] Nine. Perfect(!) [He's bust, he throws his cards to the table.]

Wayne

[Turns over his cards] Eighteen, pay nineteens.

Neville

[As he and Bomber throw their cards down] Can you believe his luck?

Oz

[Noticing the Turk standing by the stove with the wood in a bucket] Just leave it down there, Ayatollah. We'll manage it. Just get out. [The Turk sets the bucket down and starts observing the game.]

Neville

Pleuvoir - to rain.

Wayne

If I'd known I was going to be put in with you lot, I'd have taken a bloody language course! I'd have gone to that place in Oxford Street, you know? The Berlitz School, and taken elementary Geordie for beginners! :[The Turk takes a keen interest in Neville's cards.]

Oz

Hey, Ayatollah! That's all right. Sling yer hook. Get out! [The Turk finally takes the hint and leaves.]

Bomber

Look at these cards. I must have killed a Chinaman.

Neville

A lot of Geordie derives from Denmark. Scandinavia. 'Cos of the Vikings, see? They came over our way first.

Oz

Well, they still do, don't they? They shop at Marks & Sparks!

Ja?

Dennis

Er, just checking, Herr Ulrich, the lads were wondering what the possibility is of resuming work.

[Taking off his raincoat] Very small. The forecast is continual bad.

Dennis

Well, we don't mind working the weekend, yer kna, to make up for it.

No, it's not popular with the German workers.

Dennis

Well, can I just clarify one thing? I mean, we still get paid, don't we? I mean, the weather, that's not down to us, is it?

Well, the weather's very English, I think.

Dennis

Yeah, but we'd still get paid in England.

Ja, but in Germany, you're self-employed. No work, no pay.

Dennis

Well when I read the contract, it didn't read like that to me.

No? Please, read the small print.

Dennis

Hey, I nearly drowned out there, man!

Bomber

What's mein Führer say, then?

Dennis

No work 'til Monday.

Neville

Does that mean no pay?

Dennis

'Fraid not, bonny lad. Some chippies have got some indoor work, but us lot can forget it.

Neville

I was really hoping to put in some overtime this week.

Neville

Very funny(!)

Dennis

Well, a little break won't do us any harm, eh?

Neville

Yeah, but Brenda wants to retile the bathroom.

Dennis

Aye well, you shouldn't play cards, should yer?

Neville

I wouldn't be playing if it wasn't raining!

Barry

You really reckon Monday, Dennis?

Dennis

It's Friday now, Barry, and the forecast...

Neville

[Checking the change in his hand] I'd better phone her I suppose.

Oz

Nae bother, man. Just reverse the charges. It's only England.

Neville

I was really counting on that extra.

Dennis

It's bound to happen, man. It happens at home, doesn't it, the weather?

Wayne

[Getting up] If that's the word then, I know a young Fräulein who won't be too upset. I'd better press me old whistle, haven't I, eh?

Dennis

It's one of them things, Neville, man, yer kna. We might as well make the most of it.

Neville

And do what?

Dennis

...I dunno. Somethin'. Pictures, eh? Hey, we could hire a car, couldn't we? Drive off overnight, like. [Sits at the table where Oz is still fiddling with the deck of cards]

Oz

Hey, how far's Berlin?

Bomber

What?

Oz

Berlin, man. Can we gan to Berlin, Den? I've always wanted to gan to Berlin.

Bomber

Why, for heaven's sake?

Oz

Well, I divvn't kna, man. I mean it's, er... It's historic, isn'it? I mean it's interesting. After all, it is Berlin, isn'it?

Neville

It's probably raining there an' all.

Oz

No, no, man. But think of it. Berlin, man! Yer kna, spies, the war, Hitler's bunker...

Bomber

It's closed weekends.

Oz

Ahh, do us a favour, man, Bomber.

Dennis

Hey, you could gan to East Berlin, Oz.

Oz

What? Behind the Iron Curtain?

Dennis

Aye.

Oz

Right!

Dennis

Let's all spend the weekend in East Berlin.

Oz

Sound.

Dennis

Apparently, it's the most miserable, depressing place you've ever seen in yer life.

Neville

What? Worse than here?