[Crossing the border from Holland into West Germany]
ODOz & Dennis
[Singing] Rule Britannia / Marmalade and jam / Five Chinese crackers up your arsehole / Bang-Bang-Bang-Bang-Bang!
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
[Oz's car finally packs in on the Autobahn just outside Düsseldorf. They're stranded on the hard shoulder...]
[Under the hood with Dennis] Turn it over, Nev. Give it another try. [Neville does so, but it's no good.]
[A lorry passes by, but slows down on approaching the lads. The Cockney they met in Nijmegen pops his head out of the window.]
'Ey, 'ey? What's the word then?
Choked's as good a word as any!
[Laughs at the lads' misfortune] I might've given you a lift, y'know, but there's, er, not enough room for the three of you!
Ho'way with yer, London. We'll manage!
See you in church! [The lorry drives away]
[Gets out of the car and checks underneath] Bottom of the sump's dropped off!
What?
The sump, man! The oil's all run oot! Engine must have seized.
Can it be fixed?
Nah. It's a new engine, that. [Frustrated, Neville gets the bags out of the car.]
If we get this fixed in a German garage, will the insurance cover it?
I doubt it very much, it's not insured.
It has to be insured, man, otherwise you couldn't've got the green card to get the car out of England.
Ah, well I cancelled the insurance when I got the green card to give us a bit of spendin' money for when I got 'ere, y'see.
You were ganna drive all the way to Germany without insurance? What if we had a crash? Eh? What if we'd ended up in a German hospital? We're not on the German national health, yer kna!
Well, we didn't, did we?
But we could've done! What if the engine had seized on the fast lane, eh? One of the them big juggernauts up our arse?
We've never been in the fast lane.
Should never have left nowt to you! [Slams the driver door shut in frustration] I won't again. You're totally irresponsible, you, Oz! It has to be said!
[The lads finally arrive at the site. The Cockney, Wayne, is already hard at work and watches them as they arrive. The lads meet their boss, Herr Grunwald, at the site entrance...]
Herr Grunwald?
Ja?
Reporting for work, sir. [Hands papers to Grunwald] Patterson, Osbourne and Hope. Er, Herr Pfister signed us on - two brickies and a chippie. [Neville motions to Dennis] Er, unless you want another brickie.
Why?
Er, well we know one if you do.
Nein. [Dennis looks at Neville as if to say "I tried"] It is not good, I think, to arrive so late.
Yes, well sorry, sir. We had a bit of bother on the roads. [Glares at Oz] Look, can we just check in the hostel and we'll get back here smartish, eh?
The hostel is full. You will have to stay on the compound. [The lads look into the site]
I thought we'd be in the hostel.
First served, first come. Put your things in your hut. [Walks away]
'Hut'? What's he talkin' about, 'hut'?
It's pro tem, man. Pro tem. Howay.
[They grab their belongings and head inside the site...]
[To Dennis] You said we'd be in a hostel with table tennis and baths.
Aye, well we would've been, wouldn't we, if we'd've been on time! [Oz doesn't respond.]
...Where are we?
Stalag 17 by the look of things.
Eeh, is there anywhere to go round here?
I don't know, Neville, you've seen as much of this place as I have.
Aye, but you've been here before.
Not to this site, I haven't. Neville, I can't choose the site! I'm a bricklayer, I'm not a bloody architect! [Spots a builder walking in their direction] Oi! [The builder approaches, he's significantly taller and more well built than the other three] Er, excuse me, d'yer speak English?
[In a Bristolian accent] 'Tis my mother tongue, my dear. Spoke it all my life. The name's Bomber.
Which is the best hut, Bomber?
Oh, I'd take that one. [Glances over to his left] The other one's got all the Turks in. We calls it the Casbah. [Walks off.]
Oi oi, d'you lads come from roond here?
GWGerman Worker
[confused] "Roond here?"
Aye, d'ya live here in Düsseldorf?
GWGerman Worker
Düsseldorf, ja.
Aye, heard it's a canny place though, but.
GWGerman Worker
Bitte?
It's not as bitter as where we come from!
Everything's a joke to you, isn'it, Oz? Just a permanent clown, you are.
Aye, well I'd sooner be a clown than a bloody misery like you! Yer like death warmed up, you are!
I'm not here 'cos I like it, Oz! Some of us have - like me and Dennis - we're only goin' through with this 'cos we've got a purpose.
Oh, I thought you just had a wife, I didn't realise you had a porpoise! What d'yer feed that on?
[Oz, Dennis, Neville, Wayne and Bomber get their pay packets]
There ya go, Nev. That makes it all worthwhile, eh? First pay packet.
And Bomber's last!
PPfister
What? You are leaving?
And not soon enough, me ol' duck! Got a nice job lined up, I have. Bristol, new bypass. Good money, home every night and English ale. [Walks off]
[Sotto voce to Neville] If, eh, they need a brickie, I'll steam in there Monday, all reet?
Great!
[Barry arrives at the site on his motorbike]
Who's this then? Barry Sheene?
[Stops his bike in front of the three Geordies. Wayne also approaches] Hello again, Dennis!
Alreet?
'Ello, everybody!
Oh yeah? Don't believe I've had the pleasure, son!
Ah, Barry! Barry Taylor. [Shakes Wayne's hand]
Thought you'd, er, gone to Mönchengladbach.
Ah, I didn't like one bit, did I? Didn't like the place nor the site! [Looks around] This looks alright, though! It's got a sort of... better air, hasn't it? Need electricians, do they?
Capo's in the hut.
Ey, I'll chance me arm here then!
[Holding up his bandaged hand] I do that every day!
Bomber's ready. Bomber's away!
Aye Bomber. Unstoppable.
[Dennis and Oz return to the hut after their first night into town, including visiting a brothel. Oz kicks a bucket over on his way in.]
[Whispering] Shut up, man, you'll wake everybody up, man.
[In bed] Can you be quiet, please?
Sorry, sorry, I kicked the bucket...
[Still awake] Dennis?
Aye? Sorry, did he wake yer up?
Nah, I wasn't sleeping. [Oz pulls up next to Dennis] Did yer have a good time?
Oh, hey, it was magic. Magic!
Did you go to the, er...?
Why-aye, I did.
Oz and Bomber did. I gave it a miss, me.
Where is Bomber?
Ho, he's still there. I think he's bought a season ticket, Bomber.
What was it like?
Oh, Nev, it was fantastic. [Getting louder] I had this gorgeous tart, I mean, admit it, Dennis, wasn't she gorgeous?
Yeah, she wasn't bad.
Will you be quiet, please?
[Loudly] Ah, bollocks, man! [Slightly quieter] She was Eurasian, Nev, yer kna... or somewhere like that. But, I mean, let's face it, yer don't get the chance with birds like that back home, do yer? I mean...
Was it, like, different, was it?
Cor! Tell you one thing, mate - sex is in its infancy in Gateshead.
[Neville returns to the hut after playing a game of football against the Turkish workers]
Turkey 2 - England 3!
[In bed after a night at a brothel] Oh aye?
I thought you were goin' home today, Bomber. Shouldn't you be at the station by now?
Should be, yes.
Better get yer skates on, haven't ya?
Not going now. No point.
What?
No money.
Ay, you're joking! You said you had nearly £900 to take home!
I had it. Now I haven't.
Well, how many girls did you have?
I went out afterwards with some of the Brits. Poker was my downfall. I was feeling lucky. I reckon the Williams Schnapps affected Bomber's judgment.
Awww. That's tragic! What'll ya tell the wife?
Well I knows exactly what she'll say. That's why Bomber's staying. [Neville looks somewhat disappointed] Not the first time, boy. Daft as a brush, that's always been Bomber's problem. I get up and goes to work every week, hands it over to the wife, pays for the house, new clothes for the kids. Don't leave much for yourself, like. Suddenly you gets a great wad of spending money in your fist. Throws you off, don't it? It's a great feeling to be able to buy drinks for your friends, even strangers.
So... what are you gonna do now?
[Gets out of bed] As much overtime as I can crack! It's the straight and narrow from now on for Bomber!
[It's the end of the second week on the site. Dennis passes Neville as he packs away his tools...]
Hey, Nev! Capo tells me you've jacked it in. Well, is it true?
Well, yeah. No choice, have I? [He climbs down a ladder] See, if Bomber had gone, I'd have stopped, but... ah, I'm no chippie, man, Dennis. I can't go on faking it.
Well, look, I tell yer what, I'll have a word, okay? [They start to walk through the site back to the hut] I'll explain the circumstances, I'll say that yer, er, dead keen to stay on. Then we'll just swap yer back to bricks.
Well, it's too late for that now, Den. See, I just rang the missus and told her I'm comin'.
Was it a letter, like?
Nah, it wasn't her. She's put no pressure on at all. It's me, man, Dennis. I hate it here, I admit. See, maybe I could make £1,000, but it would take us six months, man. And I cannae stand the prospect of that.
Yeah, it's partly my fault, I suppose, eh?
Nah.
Painting too rosy a picture.
Nah, it's not that either. See, it's just... I know me, I know I wouldn't last the distance.
Well, when d'yer leave?
Said I'd work out this week.
Right, listen. Friday night, okay, you're comin' out with the lads, right? I mean, yer haven't come all this way to spend two weeks in a hut, readin' Oz's overdue library books.
Oh, I'd just as soon...
Nah, no arguments. That's settled, alreet?
Well... aye.
Great. Good lad.
[Neville returns to the hut after a wild night out after what he intended to be his last day on the site. He is somewhat dishevelled and very hungover]
Look at the state of you! Where ya been?
Loads of places. Can't remember in what order.
Well, where did ya wake up?
Railway station. On a bench
It's a pity you didn't have your stuff with ya, yer could've hopped straight on the train.
Ay, where's Bomber?
I dunno, I think he went to the brothel.
Well, you didn't, like?
Certainly not!
Well, howay then, get yer gear together, and I'll get yer straight down the station.
Nah, I'm not going.
What?
I'm not going!
Let me guess why, you lost all your money, haven't yer, eh? You've blown it all on booze and gambling haven't yer, just like Bomber! Haven't yer?
I dunno how I ended up, man. (Stands up and takes several bank notes out of his pockets) I divna understand this German money.
Look at that lot!
What, did I win?
Did ya win? You're rich, bonny lad! [Oz and Dennis sort through the money]
Well, comfortably well off anyway. Ere, we'll charter a 747 with this, we can have him home for his tea!
I can't go home. Ever. (Starts to open his shirt)
Why not? Look, so you didn't stick it out, but you're going home with a wadful of money. Got nothing to be ashamed of, has he?
Oh, na!
Haven't I? How can I go home with this? (Shows a tattoo on his right arm - it's a pair of love hearts with the names "Neville" and "Lotte" on it)
Who's Lotte?
I can't remember!
Hey, I know that one... [He starts whistling along, then starts singing] "My baby takes the morning train, she gans tae graft and... comes back again..." It's a English song, that, done in German.
That's 'cos we're in Germany, Oz. That way they understand it.
What, they translate the words?
Aye.
Do they still have to rhyme?
Oh, I'm sure they do.
Doesn't seem fair to me. Copycats. Why can't they write their own songs? [Calls out to German workers below] Ho! Why can't yer write yer own songs?
GWGerman worker
Wass? Verstehe das nicht. (What? I don't understand that.)
Oh aye, it's easy for you to say.
He's talkin' about me.
Yer what?
The Capo. He keeps lookin' this way. He knows my work's not up to snuff.
Could be talking about anything, mate. The weather, his dandruff...
Sooner or later I'm gonna get collared.
Look, I told you what to do: every time a gaffer comes round, just whip out your extendable steel tape and measure something. [Neville does so as Ulrich looks over again before he and the other worker walk off] And you're getting better, mate. I mean it ain't the first time you've 'eld an 'hammer in your 'and, is it? You told me yourself you put up your Brenda's pelmets.
Aye. I didn't tell yer they fell down again, did I?
Watch, here comes mein Fuhrer.
What, is he headin' over 'ere?
Looks like it.
Right... [He sits down, grabs his beer and drinks it.]
[Pointing his trowel at Oz] Is he barmy? Takin' a tea-break when the chargehand comes round?
Does it on purpose, Bomber.
Principle, Bomb.
I sometimes think Oz ain't playin' with a full stack.
Look, man, I don't go kow-towin' to authority like what they do. Yer put a chimpanzee in a uniform and they'd salute it. "I was only obeyin' my orders." That's like their national motto, man. [Ulrich speaks to a worker] And if you've got owt to say, say it to me face, pal!
He's not talkin' about you, Oz. He's talkin' to the Germans.
He is.
How d'you know when you can't speak a word of German?
I understand more German than what you think, mate.
[Approaching Oz] And I know more English thank you think... For instance, I know the English word "tea-break".
Look, Mr. Ulrich, I do me whack same as the next man, right? And if I do it any faster, it entitles us to take me tea break when I want to, alreet? Now at the end of the day, you'll find the same amount of bricks laid here as anywhere else on the site, alreet?
If this true... everything okay. [Oz nods. Ulrich turns to leave.] Danke Schön.
And donkey shite to you too, pal. [Ulrich leaves]
Hey Oz, why do you antagonise people for no good reason?
Just don't like to see them Germans gangin' up on wor, man.
They're not, man. Those lads are just doin' a job o' work, same as us. We're on their turf, man. We're happy enough to take their Deutschmarks come the end of the week, aren't we?
Well, what's that got ta do with it? Wa earn it, don't wa, 'cos we're the best!
[Giving up, he turns away] Eh, Bomber, I tell yer he's always gotta have the last word. It's hopeless, man! It's like beatin' yer head against a brick wall.
Aye, well if yer dae, divven't bang it against a German bit, 'cos it'll fall doon.
You are telling me this man has worked here almost three weeks without credentials?
Oh he's got credentials, Herr Ulrich. But, er, as a bricklayer. One of the best, mind, I can vouch for that meself.
But he is working here as carpenter. How can this be?
Well, er... I can only presume it was some sort of administrative cock-up.
Wass? (What?) [As this goes on, site secretary Dagmar is listening in to their conversation from the other side of the office.]
Well, a mistake. A blunder, like.. With the agent.
I think not. [To Dagmar] Bringen Sie mir die Arbeitsbedingungen deshalb vom Erster September. (Bring me the workforce requirement from 1st September.) [To Dennis & Neville] My requirement is always exact. I cannot believe the agent would make a mistake.
Well, he's handlin' people for all over Germany, I mean there's 30,000 of us workin' here. [Dagmar gives Ulrich the paperwork.] There's bound to be the odd error, like.
Herr Pfister is most dependable. [He goes over the paperwork] Ja. Here is my letter to Herr Pfister dated August 4th - my requirement is exact. Carpenters - three, plasterers - five. He sent four only - one comes today. Bricklayers... two only. There is no "cock-up".
[To Dennis] Ask him if there's any chance of a vacancy coming up.
He speaks English, Neville.
Ah, but you always put things better than I do, Den.
[Sighs] Look, Mr. Ulrich, I've worked in your country three times before. Now, you can ring round all the Stompenfuhrers you like, they'll all confirm that I'm straight, right. Now you lot asked me to bring people back. That's why I brought this lad here, because he's top rank. Now, as he was under my wing, so to speak, wa didn't want to split up. Now I'm sure the occasion is gonna arise shortly when you need another bricklayer. But in the meantime, he'll do anything you like. He can shovel. Fair enough?
[Grunwald, who was working in the office next door, enters and approaches Ulrich, who gets out of his seat.]
Was habt ihr Problem? (What is the problem?)
Dieser junge Mann sagte, er wäre Zimmermann. Es hat sich aber herausgestellt, dass er Maurer ist. Ich habe keine freie Stelle für solche. (This young man said he was a carpenter, but it turns out he's a bricklayer, and I have no vacancies for such.)
[To Neville] This is true? You are bricklayer?
Yeah.
What if there had been an accident? You would want compensation, ja? But the fault would be yours.
Oh, I never thought about that.
Ja. [To Ulrich] Sie müssen das selbst ausmachen. Ich bin schon fünf Minuten später. (You'll have to sort this out, I'm already five minutes late.) [Grunwald leaves the office]
[Sits back down. To Neville] You do not work today. I must think.
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