Hazel[Over the intercom] So you bothered to come round, then?
Hazel... I went to the restaurant, but you'd gone.
Hazel
I don't want to hear any excuses, Barry.
I was late, but I was trying to get the radiators installed.
Hazel
I'm not very amused, you know.
I don't think your evening was entirely wasted, Hazel, I mean they gave me the bill, yes...
Hazel
I'm glad they did!
...but was it really necessary to have four bottles of sake, three egg foo yung...?
Hazel
I've never been so humiliated in all my life! [Two female passers by stop and watch]
Hazel, will you let me in so we can talk in a civilised manner?
Hazel
I suppose all your friends have arrived, and you're making them happy! What about me? [An older gentleman also stops to watch the commotion]
Yes, yes, my friends have arrived. But you know why, don't you? Cos you know why? [Getting frustrated] They've come from the far-flung corners of the country to do up our house!
Hazel
Why don't they just go back again, Barry? Why don't you go with them? [Barry noticed the female onlookers laughing at him. They leave, as does the older gentleman]
[Softly] All right... all right... I will go and join them. Yes. [Getting flustered again] We'll probably be in the Bell and Dragon drinking penis coladas 'til dawn!
He's got a bleedin' nerve, that Barry, eh? Asks us all up here to help 'im out then does a runner.
Went to see Hazel, didn't he?
Against my explicit instructions, yes! All those hours I wasted in Germany tutoring 'im in the ways of the opposite sex.
I'm not so sure they're your strong suit anymore, otherwise you would've had to pay for those two birds last night.
Cheap at half the price, son.
You weren't there, were you, Mox?
No. But I was. And I heard them turnin' you away! [He and Neville chuckle]
I dunno what you were thinkin' of in the first place, I thought you were supposed to be a married man now.
[Gets up, defensively all of a sudden] Christa and I have an understanding, Neville. We've got a modern marriage.
What, you mean it won't last? [Wayne points at Neville, then goes to sit on the windowsill]
Where is that lad, er... whats-his-name?
Oh, does he? [Shouts] Trevor? [Looks to the window directly above Wayne where Trevor is painting] Trevor!
Trevor [Opens the window] The name's Trev.
Whatever it is, sunshine, put the kettle on, eh?
I'm not a bloody tea boy, you know!
Well, we're skilled craftsmen doin' a mate a favour, so put that bloody kettle on! [Trevor slams the window down, showing debris on Wayne below.]
Obviously a graduate of the John McEnroe school of charm and decorum.
Mind you, some of my skills are a bit rusty.
You not been doin' much of this then, Bomb?
Oh not a lot, no. It's a treat for me, this, laying bricks in the fresh air, after some of the jobs I've been doing!
Hazel
[Coughs] 'Scuse me? [The lads stop work] Er, d'you have any idea where Barry Taylor is, please?
We think he's with Hazel. That's his fiancée.
Hazel
No, he's not. I'm Hazel!
Hazel
[Looking at the gap between the dining area and the kitchen] ...but why did you knock it down?
We thought that was the general idea, like.
Hazel
It was supposed to be a connecting hatch.
We just wanted to make a start, seeing there's that much to do before you and Barry can get married.
[Turning to Trevor] 'Ere, you!
Why didn't you tell us she didn't want that wall down?
'Cos the skilled craftsmen never asked me(!) [Walks out]
Hazel
Oh... it's not your fault. Barry should have been here.
Ah, well, he's not here 'cos he's gone looking for you after what happened last night. And the reason for that, Hazel, is entirely down to me. See, I took him down the pub. Well, we hadn't seen each other for yonks, and, er... we sort of got involved with nostalgic reminiscences.
He was ever so upset when he realised how late he was.
Didn't sleep a wink all night.
Hazel
He slept here?
He left the pub to go and see you, but apparently you wouldn't let him in.
Hazel
That was childish of me. I was just so furious with 'im! I should've had it out then and there.
Yeah, you should've done, then he wouldn't have got breathalysed.
Hazel
Milk or sugar?
Yeah. Both, please. [She hands him a cup.]
Hazel
Have some cake. It's fresh.
I won't say no. [She cuts a slice of cake. Wayne hands her a plate and she puts the slice on it.]
Hazel
[Sighs] I find this rather difficult, Wayne, because I don't know you. But, d'you know, I feel as though I do through Barry, 'cos you were his closest friend in Germany, weren't you? [Wayne looks confused] He said you used to do things together, y'know, visit museums on his motorbike.
[Lying] Yeah, yeah. I miss that(!)
Hazel
Well, that's why I wanted to talk to you. About Barry.
Oh look now, Hazel, if it's about last night, I've told you, it weren't the lads' fault...
Hazel
I'm not talking about the Chinese restaurant, Wayne. I'm talking about the entire last two years. Our engagement, in fact.
Ohhh. Been goin' out on the piss a lot, is he? ...'Scuse me, I mean, has he been sort of, er, goin' out with the lads, havin' a couple of...? [Makes a drinking motion]
Hazel
No, no. When has he had a chance? That poor lad went to the Falklands, you know. And he did that for us, for our house, for our future.
Well, I don't quite see what you're driving at, Haze.
Hazel
Well... sometimes I have to ask myself if he's ever had a chance to, you know, slow down, take stock, and ask himself if this marriage is what he really wants.
I see... [Puts down his cup and plate, then pulls out a Snoopy plush toy he'd been sitting on and puts it aside] ...or is it, er, have you had a chance?
Hazel
[Glances down] Maybe. With all the sacrifices he's made, my emotions are a mixture of guilt and gratitude.
It's a bit late in the day for all that, ain't it, love?
Hazel
It's with all you lot arriving and finishing the house. Suddenly everything seems so much more... well... imminent.
Hazel
I thought, well, while you were up here, you might have a word, you know, just the two of you, and try and discover his real feelings. Would you do that for me?
Yeah. That's all right, there's no bother.
Hazel
Oh, thank you.
See... all these pre-marital jitters is par for the course, like, you know.
Hazel
All that's behind you now, isn't it? Barry showed me a picture of your wife. She's... she's very pretty, isn't she?
Hazel
Oh, why don't you ask her to come up at the weekend?
Hazel
Visiting family?
[Quiet] Sort of, yeah... she's there indefinitely. Now look, don't tell Barry or the lads about this, eh?
Hazel
No, no. Of course not, I wouldn't dream of it, no.
Well, look, I probably shouldn't be telling you this under the circs, should I? But you mustn't worry about your Barry. Sound as a bell, Barry. Not like me! [Chuckles] I'm a bit of a flake, you know, a Jack the Lad. Always have been. Suppose that's why she left me. She said, "I'll come back when you grow up!", she says. [He and Hazel laugh] Could take a bit of a while, that, eh?
Auf Wiedersehen, Pet · 320 quotes
