[Arriving at Hook of Holland, Oz's car, which has seen better days, gets off the ferry...]
[As the radio loses frequency...] Well, lads, I'm afraid we're losing Radio 1.
Never knew we had it in this wreck.
'Ey, 'ey, canny car, this car.
What have yer got a Sunderland sticker on the back for? Didn't kna you supported them.
No, no, I don't, I don't, but the bloke I bought it off did, yer know. I was gonna try an' scrape it but I thought I might lose the bumper. [Sees the car ahead move on.] Whoa, man. Here we go. [To Neville in the back] Now don't panic, Neville. We'll all stick to the same story, right? We're off to catch butterflies in Bavaria!
[Oz gets pulled aside at Customs...]
CCustoms Officer
Customs. Do you have anything to declare?
Er, no. Just the duty free. Scotch, cigarettes.
CCustoms Officer
Can you open the back, please?
Yeah, erm, can you give us the keys, Oz?
[Dennis gets out of the car and opens the boot. A female Customs officer checks their bags and pulls out a spirit level.]
FFemale Officer
What is this?
FFemale Officer
What's "spirit level"?
Well, I'll show you. [Takes the spirit level and places it up beside a wall.]
CCustoms Officer
What does it mean?
Yer kna the reason I left this country in the first place, divven't you, eh? I'll tell you. In a word, Margaret bloody Thatcher, that's why. Because I'd had it, I was up to there with what she'd created. Bloody wasteland. Desolate. Nae joy, nae hope, nae nowt. Where kids get to twenty-one and have never done a day's work in their life. Honest men have to gan out thieving to feed their families. Young bairns can buy heroin in the bike sheds at school. Oh, dear. But I thought, "Nah, nah, nah. It's got to be getting better. It cannae be as bad as what it was, can it?" I was willing to give you lot the benefit of the doubt on this one, yer kna. But nah, nah, nah. What happens? What happens is I've been back on me native soil for fourteen minutes, and I'm subjected to this act of fascist intimidation! 'Cos that's what it is, yer kna! That's what it is, and I'll be writing to me MP aboot this!
CCustoms Officer
[Putting on a glove] Spread.
What do you think you're going to find up there, eh? A new striker for Newcastle United?
CCustoms Officer
Oh, hello. No, I was... just admiring the car. Yours, is it?
CCustoms Officer
German, I notice.
CCustoms Officer
No, I meant the registration. [Points to the number plate.] "D-HB", that's the district of Düsseldorf, isn't it?
Perhaps. 'Ere, listen, seein' as you're so bloody good at initials, how 'bout F.O.?
CCustoms Officer
...Dunno that one.
Didn't think you would(!) Look, what's all this about, mate? The car ain't for sale, all right?
CCustoms Officer
Glad to hear it, because having already avoided import duty, you wouldn't want to break the law again, Mr. Wayne Winston Norris? [Shows his ID] Customs and Excise. [Tears a sheet of paper from his pad] Your receipt, sir. Keys, please, sir?
I've gotta find about 800 quid before I can reclaim her. 'Til then, she stays there.
You haven't got the money, presumably, have you?
About 799 short of the mark, to be honest.
Well, er... now we're workin', I can pay you some back again tomorrow, then after the next couple of weeks with Ally's bonus for finishing, that should cover it, shouldn't it?
Nah, nah, it's all right. I can find the money, I'm just a bit annoyed with meself for getting caught out. See, when I drove it through Harwich, I told 'em I was just a visitor, didn't I?
Well, you are just a visitor, aren't ya?
You what? Yeah, yeah, yeah. But what I mean is, I should've put it in the wife's name, eh?
Can it not be registered in Christa's name now?
It's too late for that, Den.
[As he and Wayne get out of the van] I've telled him to get these brakes sorted! [They look inside the pound. Wayne's car is just behind the fence]
There. There, look. [The car is still dirty.] 800 quid and they ain't even bloody cleaned it.
[Scoffs] They've probably been out joy-ridin' in it, man. Did yer check the clock before you give 'em it?
Y'know, I didn't think of that!
I'll come in wi' yer, I'll tell 'em I'm yer legal adviser. If yer get any grief, I'll nut 'im.
CCustoms Officer
Right, it shouldn't take long, Mr. Norris. You have the full amount with you, I presume?
Of course. [Throws the money down on the desk.] There it is. It's in pounds though, not Deutschmarks. Is that all right, sunbeam(?)
CCustoms Officer
No need for any sarcasm, thank you, sir. [He starts to count the money]
There's nae need to count it, man. It's all there.
CCustoms Officer
I have to check it, sir... just in case you've given me too much.
Ere, listen, seeing as I've paid you up in full, I don't reckon you can tell me who shopped me, can you?
CCustoms Officer
Certainly not, that's privileged information.
I thought it might be. [Oz looks around the office and sees a photo of a woman on the cabinet behind Wayne. His eyes widen - it's the mature woman from the Barley Mow! He clears his throat to attract Wayne's attention then nods towards the photo. Wayne turns and glances at the photo, then turns back to the customs inspector] Just looking at the photograph. Lovely lady. Who is it?
CCustoms Officer
That happens to be my wife, sir. [Oz turns away]
Very attractive, wouldn't you say so, Oz?
[Turns back] What? Oh, yes, uh-huh... Not my cup o' tea, like, but... tidy bit o' tackle.
CCustoms Officer
[Gets up] Right. I'll get you a receipt, Mr. Norris. Won't take a minute. [He leaves the office, glancing at a sheepish Oz as he does.]
[As soon as the customs officer is out of earshot] Well, I declare, as they say in the trade! [Laughs as they gather by the photo]
Can yer believe it? It's ironic, really isn'it, when yer think aboot it. If he hadn't've nabbed your car, I wouldn't've knobbed his wife!
Poetic justice, that's what I call it. 'Ere, talking of justice, you keep dog eye, because I want to check out who shopped me. [Oz goes on lookout while Wayne opens a foolscap wallet. He goes through the documents.]
Hold on... [He finds the relevant document] Hold it, here we go... "Dear Sir, acting on information received from a Mr. Arthur Pringle of the Barley Mow Inn..."
[Scoffs] Pringle... Might've knaan it'd be that old bastard!
Auf Wiedersehen, Pet · 320 quotes
