Oz quotes from Auf Wiedersehen, Pet

Oz

I'm used to bullshit, but I've never laid bricks with it.

Oz

If this goes pear shaped, what am I going to do with a bridge?

Oz

I was just flabbergasted, that’s all you know, I mean I’ve got nothing against gays son. It’s just that, well, I was brought up to believe that dickie-up-the-chufter is abnormal and vile. Ah, that came out wrong didn’t it…shite…sorry again.

Oz

What’s the panic? I was in the middle of a dump when you called.

Oz

Well can’t expect the lassie just to up sticks like that man, even if the ultimate prize is Newcastle.

Oz

I've none of the local shekels, whatever they are.

Dennis

Kip.

Oz

Precious little of that on the plane!

Wyman

Don't worry, they don't bother you.

Oz

Really?

Wyman

Well, they do bother you. But it's not fatal.

Oz

Did you slip her a length?

Barry

Oz! Really!

Oz

But did you?

Barry

Yes, I did actually.

Oz

Well, as far as huts go, I think we've reached rock bottom with this one. No beds, big bugs, no bog and a bamboo roof.

Yeah, 'cause they've been improving over the years haven't they, the huts? The one in Vientiane was borderline house.

Wyman

Did you see Barry?

Oz

Aye

Wyman

How is he?

Oz

Bombed out on opium is how he is.

Neville

Aye?

Opium?

Oz

Aye, weeeell, opium oot here's like marmite back home, there's a jar in every hoose.

Oz

Dennis! Say that again and I'll knock your bloody block off!

Dennis

What?!

Oz

What you said man, about my Marjorie!

Dennis

Ohhhhh right! I meant that!

Oz

Did you?!

Dennis

Aye, I did!

Dennis

Hey! Hang on a minute! We're forgetting something aren't we? We haven't finished this yet, man! These villagers aren't going anywhere and we promised them a wash house.

Barry

I totally agree with Dennis. We can't leave them in the lurch. Plus, they've been extremely kind to me, it's not right.

Wyman

Give us a break guys!

Oz

Den man, in three days we can be back in Bangkok, where I've got unfinished business in a whirlpool.

Dennis

Oz, can you remember us ever not finshing a job? Nev?

Neville

Why Africa, but there was only a spot of plastering to do like.

Dennis

Doesn't sit right man?

Have you guys gone mad in the sun or something?

Oz

No, Den's right, get yourself a bowl of noodles pet, we've got a roof to finish.

Dennis

[To Neville] Oi, Nev! D'yer not want a drink? [Neville shakes his head] Or d'ya want some crisps? We got Scotch eggs! [He laughs]

Oz

I don't think he's found his sea legs yet, Dennis, eh?

Dennis

Yeh, well, he's missing their Brenda, yer kna, I mean they do at that age.

Oz

Oh aye? Right, cheers, Den!

Dennis

Cheers, mate, aye. [Oz takes a swig of his beer while Dennis bites into a roll]

Oz

He could be having second thoughts, yer know aboot the...

Dennis

Oh, he was havin' them a week ago, man. So I says to him, I said, "Listen", I said, "If you want that posh house on that new estate, it's the only way yer ganna get it, without lining the tax man's pockets for once", yer kna!

Oz

Well yer kna what they say. Pelicans, penguins and the Inland Revenue have all got one thing in common.

Dennis

What's that?

Oz

They can all shove their bills up their arse!

Oz

[As the radio loses frequency...] Well, lads, I'm afraid we're losing Radio 1.

Dennis

Never knew we had it in this wreck.

Oz

'Ey, 'ey, canny car, this car.

Dennis

What have yer got a Sunderland sticker on the back for? Didn't kna you supported them.

Oz

No, no, I don't, I don't, but the bloke I bought it off did, yer know. I was gonna try an' scrape it but I thought I might lose the bumper. [Sees the car ahead move on.] Whoa, man. Here we go. [To Neville in the back] Now don't panic, Neville. We'll all stick to the same story, right? We're off to catch butterflies in Bavaria!

Customs. Do you have anything to declare?

Dennis

Er, no. Just the duty free. Scotch, cigarettes.

Can you open the back, please?

Dennis

Yeah, erm, can you give us the keys, Oz?

Oz

It doesn't lock.

What is this?

Dennis

It's a spirit level.

What's "spirit level"?

Dennis

Well, I'll show you. [Takes the spirit level and places it up beside a wall.]

What does it mean?

Dennis

Yer wall's not plumb!

Oz

Oh. Another postcard, is it, Neville(?)

Dennis

[as he and Oz sit at the table] He promised Brenda he'd keep in touch.

Oz

"Keep in touch"?! He wrote the first one at Darlington, man! Yer gonna blow all yer money on postage, lad.

Neville

She didn't want us to come. [Licks the back of a stamp and affixes it to the postcard] She said she'd accepted it; "Whatever's best for us", she said... then last night she was a bit tearful.

Oz

Mine never said a word.

Dennis

That's not like your missus.

Oz

Nah, well I must admit I never gave her a chance, like, y'know, I... sneaked out the back door and made a dawn departure, like. Pushed the car down the hill so it didn't make a noise. [Chuckles]

Neville

You did a runner on yer wife?

Dennis

Ah, you don't know his Marjorie. She's a right ball-breaker. I've seen her breakin' balls of innocent bystanders!

Oz

Last time I came out I didn't bother tellin' her I was comin'. Just said, er, "I'm goin' down to the newsagents, pet, gettin' the Sporting Chronicle". Three months I was away, that time.

Neville

Three months?! What'd she say when you got back?

Oz

"What won the 4.30?" [Laughs]

Neville

I've never worked abroad before. I've been abroad, like. Me an' Brenda went to Minorca twice.

Oz

Twice? Why twice?

Neville

...Well, we liked it the first time.

Oz

Whereaboots is it, Minorca?

Neville

Um... I'm not really sure. We flew non-stop from Newcastle.