Wyman quotes from Auf Wiedersehen, Pet

Wyman

Don't worry, they don't bother you.

Oz

Really?

Wyman

Well, they do bother you. But it's not fatal.

Wyman

Did you see Barry?

Oz

Aye

Wyman

How is he?

Oz

Bombed out on opium is how he is.

Neville

Aye?

Opium?

Oz

Aye, weeeell, opium oot here's like marmite back home, there's a jar in every hoose.

Dennis

Hey! Hang on a minute! We're forgetting something aren't we? We haven't finished this yet, man! These villagers aren't going anywhere and we promised them a wash house.

Barry

I totally agree with Dennis. We can't leave them in the lurch. Plus, they've been extremely kind to me, it's not right.

Wyman

Give us a break guys!

Oz

Den man, in three days we can be back in Bangkok, where I've got unfinished business in a whirlpool.

Dennis

Oz, can you remember us ever not finshing a job? Nev?

Neville

Why Africa, but there was only a spot of plastering to do like.

Dennis

Doesn't sit right man?

Have you guys gone mad in the sun or something?

Oz

No, Den's right, get yourself a bowl of noodles pet, we've got a roof to finish.

Wyman

Does my skin bother you?!

Oz

Divvn’t be daft man, my team play in black and white, divvn’t they?! I’ve just got a thing about Cockneys.

Wyman

I can usually suss I bloke’s musical tastes, me.

Oz

Haddaway and bollocks, you’ve only known me for five bloody minutes lad. There’s no way you can tell what I like to listen to.

Neville

No, alright have a go!

Wyman

Ok, I will, alright alright…Early Stones, The Clash, Clapton, and a sprinkling of C and W.

[Jeers]

Dennis

Ha ha, not far off the mark there!

Oz

He’s been in my gaffe, he’s been right through my CDs!

Wyman

No I haven’t mate, no I haven’t. Alright then - Dennis.

Dennis

Aye, go on then.

Wyman

Otis Redding, Aretha

Oz

Aretha?

Wyman

Aretha, Marvin Gaye…and you’ve got a soft spot for Rod Stewart, but only when you’re at the karaoke pissed!

Dennis

Aye, I can’t argue with that young‘an!

Bomber

What about me?

Wyman

Easy, you’re easy. Abba and Acker Bilk.

Dennis

What about Neville?

Wyman

Morose music I reckon.

Neville

Get away!

Wyman

Yeah, morose music…The Smiths, The Cult, Depeche Mode…music to slit your wrist by!

Neville

That’s not me at all!

Oz

No, nooo…these days Neville likes to watch Destiny’s Child videos!

Oz

He's not gay. He thinks he is, but he's not.

Neville

Well, it’s just like exhibitionism, isn’t it? Like a cry for attention.

Oz

Exactly.

Bomber

Would it matter if he was?

Oz

Well it would to me!

Wyman

Well even if he is…

Oz

He’s not! He can’t be! There's never been a huckle in the Osbourne family and we can trace our lineage all the way back to the Second World War. Now, end of subject. Right?

Right, aye.

Neville

Of course.

Oz

It's always been the tunnel, not the funnel.

Wyman

Yeah, I’ve got to admit, it’s growing on me.

Oz

That’s because it’s timeless kid. They’ll not be playing Atomic Kitten in 20 years time.

Oz

[holding four fingers up] How many fingers?

Wyman

Three.

Oz

Three, Mmmher, near enough.

Right! Let’s play Road Kill Cricket!

Bomber

How’s that work?

Anything dead your side of the road you score runs, anything their side they do!

Neville

How do you mean runs?

One for each leg: a dead chicken’s worth two, that goat would have been four if we’d started.

Wyman

So a centipede’s a ton, right?

No insects! You’re being silly now Wyman.

Wyman

Oh, forgive me.

Oz

What about a snake?

That’s a tricky one Oz, it doesn’t have any legs but it is an animal so it should qualify…

Wyman

It weighs a ton!

Bomber

We’ll have to help them offload it at the other end.

Oz

What now we’re bloody pallbearers!

Some days we saw planks. Some days we lay bricks. Some days we cart Cuban coffins. All part and parcel, Den says.

Dennis

Moxey!

What?

Dennis

Bollocks!

Dennis

Where’s everybody else?

Wyman

I dunno, they went off somewhere.

Dennis

There seems to be a concerted effort around here to avoid me, eh, I’m not middle-management you know!

Wyman

Not from me, Den! I’d go out with you in a flash, only Tina’s got nicer knockers.

Wyman

Why didn’t you talk her out of it?

Dennis

Well she didn’t tell us till 4 o’clock in the morning!

Wyman

Oh right, during the wild night of passion, yeah?

Dennis

Look, it was a personal, private moment between two adult people! Alright?!

Oz

Fair enough. But I’d be hacked off if you shagged my mother.

Wyman

Bloody hell! Neville the spy!

Neville

I’ve hated every minute of it, lying to all of you, lying to my wife. I’m not even very good at it. I had to doctor a bloke’s drink one night. You know, knock out drops.

Go ay!

Oz

Hells teeth, That’s bloody hardcore!

Neville

I drank it myself!

Dennis

Sorry.

Neville

I’m glad this has happened really, it’s been a terrible strain. I’m really glad you did this, really. Thanks.

Bomber

Let it all come out Neville, don’t hold anything back.

Barry

I think this is where we should all hug.

Oz

Dear me, you look like you’re bloody sopranos.

Big relief though, ey?

Neville

Yeah.

I bet you feel like you’ve just passed a bowling ball.