I might be, son. Look. [Points to a teenage girl at the gate of the site looking in. She looks about sixteen years old.]
Oh, I see. Yeah. While we ordinary mortals have to put up with a cup of coffee and a bar of Toblerone, Wayne's idea of tiffin is entirely different.
Yeah, well, son. She's been hanging around for half an hour, so she must want something, eh?
I've never heard of rock groupies, Wayne, but never cement groupies.
Yeah, Barry. I'll use that as my opening line. [Walks towards the girl]
I wonder if you can grow bromide.
Guten Tag! Eh? Wie gehts?
TTracy
Sorry, I... don't speak German.
Heyyy, you're a long way from home, ain't ya? What is it? A netball tour of Europe or something, darling?
TTracy
No, I've come to see my dad. He works here.
TTracy
"Bomber" Busbridge he's called. I'm Tracy.
[His face falls, knowing what Bomber would do to him if he tried it on with her] Oh... I've got news for you, Tracy. He's not here, is he? No, he took off last night, back to Bristol to try and find you.
Yeah. Um... [Looks into the site] Look, you can't hang around here, love. There's hordes of randy Turks on this site. Come up here. [They meet at the gate, Wayne gives Tracy some money] Take this, right? Now, there's a bar down the road. You can get a nice cup of coffee and a game of pinball. Er, if you hang on there 'til one o'clock, me and some of your dad's mates'll come and sort it out, alright?
All right. [She starts to walk off, but then stops and turns round.]
TTracy
What's your name, then?
TTracy
Thank you, Wayne. See you at one, then! [Having taken a shine to Wayne, she heads for the bar]
Mind how you go, love(!) [Heads back on site.]
Bomber's daughter's here.
Yeah. And between you, me and the gatepost, mate, she's a right piece of jailbait!
[Shoves the worker away.] Hey, you. You're wanted on deck.
Erm... Tracy, these are some of your dad's mates. [Points to them] That's Neville, Oz and Dennis.
Hello, love. Er, right then, love, let's go and have a sit down, shall we? [They go find a table.] Okay. Over here, then, pet. That's it. There you go.
[Aside, to Wayne] I see what you mean about "jailbait".
Er, Oz, get the beers in, will you?
[To Tracy] What will you have to drink, love? Will you have a Coke or a 7-Up?
TTracy
Oh, I'd like a Williams schnapps, please. My dad told me all about it.
Right. [Claps his hands, about to approach the bar.]
Coke! Coke. [While Oz gets the drinks, the others sit at the table.]
So, how'd you get here, then, pet?
TTracy
I hitched. Got a juggernaut from Swindon right over to Bremerhaven. He was called Wayne too, only that was his last name. [Wayne tries to look away.]
Uh-huh. Er, now, then, I take it that you know your dad's not here, Tracy.
TTracy
Yeah, the silly sod's gone back home!
Well, I mean he only did that because he was worried about you, you know?
TTracy
There was no need to worry, I'm sixteen. I'm old enough to look after myself.
Erm... What are you gonna do then, love, eh?
Well, er, obviouly I think we should phone Bomber and let him know that Tracy's safe. [To Tracy] In the meantime, I think you should stay with us. Now then, er, I know you're a big girl, Tracy, but this is a foreign country, y'see.
TTracy
Does that mean I can stay in your hotel?
[Approaching with the drinks] Hotel?!
TTracy
Yeah. My mum said that's where you all live. It's got a bar and video games and swimming pool, hasn't it?
The pool's empty just now, pet.
Hey... how are we going to get her in past the Erics, eh? I mean, we can't leave her here all afternoon, can we?
Hmmm... Did any of you ever see Albert R.N.?
[Sat on his own on a table behind Wayne and Tracy] I seen Albert Bennett. Oh, what a centre forward he was!
Oh, table for seven... [Holds up six fingers and a thumb] Seven, eh?
WWaiter
Seven. Moment. Ich hole... (I get...) [Goes off.]
Just pull the tables together, man. [He pulls two tables together and they all take their seats.]
TTracy
[To Bomber] Just like that one in Taunton, isn't it, dad?
[To Moxey] Hey, I tell you what, we should get Barry a vindaloo, eh? That'll get him back on the old beer.
Get 'im back on the portaloo an' all! [They all laugh. Except Barry.]
Right, listen, Oz, I'll handle it this time, okay? We don't want your Give Us a Clue routine upsetting the waiter. All right, Lionel?
All right. All right. Well, let's get him out. [Calls out] Hey, Sabu! [A waiter enters... it's Neville!] Bloody hell, it's Clive of India! [Everyone turns and looks at Neville]
Whoa! I've heard of the northwest frontier, but never the northeast!
[Laughs] That's what you've been doing, eh? Starring in Aladdin!
[Not amused] Aye, aye. Go on. Get 'em all over with!
Oh, I should think we've only just started, boyo. [They laugh.]
[Singing] Oh doctor, I'm in trouble...
AAll
Goodness gracious me!
[Angry] That's right! Aye, have a good laugh! Just 'cos I show a bit of initiative and get meself a part-time job!
What on earth is Brenda saving for to reduce you to this, eh?
Well, if you must know, it's our fifth wedding anniversary later this year. I thought it'd be nice if we had a second honeymoon.
Dressed like that, eh? Lovely?
Give it a rest, Wayne, man, will yer?
So where were you thinkin' of goin'? New Delhi?
Dunno. Probably the same as the first time - Minorca.
I still dunno where Minorca is.
How do you think I feel? Neither do I!
How much do ya need, then?
That's just it, I've nearly got enough, Dennis. I'm just seein' out the week. I never thought you lot would find out.
Well, I tell you what, you get the order right tonight, we'll all put a good tip in, won't we, lads?
Oh aye, aye, aye. Now that we've got that... [Cracks up] ...Now that we've got that sorted out, can we have a bit of service, Gunga Din?
AAll
[Laugh. Then they start singing again as Neville gives them their menus] It goes boom diddy, boom diddy, boom diddy, boom diddy, boom diddy, boom diddy, boom boom boom!
[Shouts out as Neville makes for the kitchen] New lamps for old! New lamps for old!
Hey! Neville! Have they got any, er, chicken? [Squawks and flaps his elbows as a humiliated Neville retreats into the kitchen]
Auf Wiedersehen, Pet · 320 quotes
