Did y'ever see The Thomas Crown Affair?
...Nah, I never went to rock concerts, Vicky, I was busy working.
Man, it was a film! An' in it, Steve McQueen an' Faye Dunaway seduced each other across the chessboard. [Ally doesn't react] Well, it was a very sexy scene.
Really? I imagine you might find that a wee bit uncomfortable, all these bits stickin' into yer bum! [The phone rings. Fraser goes to answer it.]
Will yer make a move now? Otherwise I'm gonna be here all day! [Fraser moves a Pawn one space forward and heads to the phone] Oh, live dangerously, why don't yer(?)
[Answering the phone. It's Howard Radcliff, the architect working on Thornely Manor] Yes? Oh, good morning, Howard, yes. How are ya?
Howard[From his new office in a town near to the manor] I'm extremely well, Ally, thank you. I just thought I'd let you know that our planning application's in, and that my personal contact on the council says there'll be no trouble.
Good, I'm very pleased to hear that.
Howard
My new drawings are also coming along nicely.
Howard
I just thought now would be an opportune time to discuss the costing of the materials. I've drawn up three different budges for fitting the surfaces and other interior details.
And, er... how are they running at?
Howard
At £22,000, £48,000, and top of the range, £65,000.
[As Vicky's Bishop takes one of his Pawns] ...Aye, well, I think, Howard, in view of the revised nature of the premises, er... I think it would be a wee bit of a pity to waste all your fancy-dan trappings on people with one foot in the grave. I think we should err on the side of caution, don't you, Howard?
Howard
As you wish, Ally, but the first figure I quoted is an absolute rock-bottom, using the cheapest materials available.
That's all right, I've already laid out enough cash on this project. It's time I started earning a nest egg for my old age. So, I want no corner left uncut, Howard. Do you understand? And you can pass that on to Dennis too.
Howard
Will do. Incidentally, it may interest you to know that he and his lads are currently staying at the house.
Ah... Aye, well, don't mention it just yet then, Howard, but sometime in the future it might be wise to broach the little subject of rent with them.
Howard
[Chuckles] I'll get the meters read as well, if you like.
I was not joking, Howard!
Howard
Right. Well, I'll get the plans out to you by the weekend, Ally.
Lovely. I'll look forward to seeing them then. Okay. Bye for now, then. Bye, Howard. [Puts the phone down and focuses back on the chessboard] My God. If Faye Dunaway played chess like you, she'd be lucky if she got a good night kiss. [Gets up, blows a kiss on his palm, which he rubs on Vicky's cheek]
Plastic pipe... plasterboard partition... breezeblocks... chipboard... Every expense spared, eh, Howard(?)
Howard
Sorry, Dennis, but Ally's desperate to get this project finished so he can ream some cash for his Spanish investments.
What investments are these?
Howard
I'm sorry, I can't say. But I think you boys are pencilled in as part of them.
Howard
[Chuckles] I don't think he sees it in those terms, largely because he doesn't need to buy you lot off. He pays, you do. That's the relationship, isn'it? Pure and simple.
Howard, for an architect, you don't seem to know anything the people in the building trade. I mean my lads are no bunch of Girl Guides, God knows, but they can smell a cowboy job a mile off, man! And if they don't like it it...
Howard
They can piss off and find work somewhere else!
No, no. They can create a hell of a lot of trouble for the bloke who's abusin' their skills for a quick profit, especially when it means turnin' an old peoples' home into a cardboard death trap!
Howard
[Takes off his sunglasses] Now, look here, Dennis. I've submitted three separate budgets to Ally for this project. He chose the cheapest one possible because it suited his purposes. It's not for me to make that sort of decision for him. I'm only...
[Interrupting] ...Doin' yer job.
Howard
That's right.
Howard, listen, man. I've got my reasons for workin' at Ally's orders. Now, I don't like what I'm doin', but I kna exactly why I'm doin' it. Now what's your excuse, son?
Howard
[Scoffs. Incredulously] I don't have to give you any justifications! Now can we get on, please? [Puts his sunglasses back on]
Howard
Morning, Dennis!
How do! [Howard gets out of his Range Rover with the plans.]
Howard
There's been another slight change in the plans. The kitchens this time.
Don't tell me... they only have to be big enough to fit, er, one microwave oven?
Howard
Close, close. Well, let's go and see how far your lads have got, shall we?
Howard
Ah, morning, fellas. It's a bit early for a tea break, isn't it?
Aye. Howay, lads, shape up a bit, eh?
If ya took them stupid glasses off, Hedgehog, and had a look about you'd see there's nae teacups lying around. That's 'cos it's not a tea break, it's a strike!
Howard
[Incredulously] A strike?!
That's right, sunbeam. A strike.
Howard
Ah, well you'd better sort this out with your gaffer.
No, you sort it out with yours! You tell Ally Fraser nothing gets done here 'til he upgrades his conversion! And, more importantly, he takes the squeeze of Dennis!
It's all right, Den, we're all determined about this.
Howard
Hey, now, what's going on here?
Look, you got the message, didn't you, Hedgehog, eh? Piss off and pass it on to Fraser.
Howard
Right. If that's the way you boys want it. [Howard storms off.]
[Knowing Fraser will send his goons down to confront them] Thanks a bunch. [Sits on a broken toilet] Thanks a bunch.
Nev told wor all about it, yer kna, everything.
Dennis... it seemed like a choice between doing this job properly or being loyal to you.
Well, we figured we can do both.
Howard
[Upon seeing Fraser] Ally? [Turns off radio.] I didn't know you were in England
I had to come over, didn't I, Howard? Sort out the uprising.
Howard
Oh dear... I hope there was no unpleasantness.
Oh no, more of a sort of skirmish, Howard. A lover's tiff, wouldn't you say, Dennis?
Aye, Big Baz and Bomber will have announced their engagement any minute I expect! [Fraser and Howard laugh]
[As he and Dennis sit on a sofa] Now then, Howard, you must have some malt whisky in this expensive looking office that I'm paying for?
Howard
Coming right up...
Bring the bottle over. Dennis and I have got a bit of negotiating to do. [Howard does so.] That's it, shirtsleeve order. Beer and sandwiches at TUC headquarters.
Howard
I've got a couple of sesame seed bars if you'd like.
No, save mine for the budgie's cage. [Howard sits down and starts pouring out the whisky.]
Right, now, item one on the agenda: as a result of the case put forcibly to me by Dennis and his brothers, I hereby agree to upgrade the ongoing conversion on Thornely Manor. Now, Howard, have you still got that medium-range budget on file, have you?
Howard
Well, yes, but it means jumping up another 20 grand or so!
No, no, I can live with that. Dennis has persuaded me that it would be a great pity to skimp on a building of such architectural heritage, especially if there's gonna be a lot of old dears knocking it around soon. On that subject, just make a note on that pad there to increase the projected fee structure for the resident gentlefolk.
Passing the costs on already, Ally?
Oh, Dennis, if we're going to go upmarket, we can attract a better class of pensioner. If you look in the wills column in the Daily Torygraph, you'll see there's quite a few around with a package stashed away.
Howard
[To Dennis] I'm amazed you got him to agree to this!
Right, well, beneath that flinty exterior beats a heart of gold, man.
Don't let it get around, Dennis.
He's also aware that if he hadn't changed his mind, the VAT people would have got an enormous tip-off about certain unpaid taxes on the building work.
Item two: I also hereby agree to waive my rights on the rent monies payable to me from Dennis and his boys after having squatted on my property for the past few weeks.
For heart of gold, read "nugget".
And as for my personal loan to Dennis: the terms of the debt remain the same. Complete the job on the Manor, and we're all square. And I think I can see a way to writing off the interest payable on the loan, which incidentally, Dennis, is currently running at £2,648, give or take a few coppers.
No catch. An absolutely straightforward proposition as regards your boys. You keep them on the payroll for my next project, and we will be as sweet as a bun!
Auf Wiedersehen, Pet · 320 quotes
