Watch, here comes mein Fuhrer.
What, is he headin' over 'ere?
Right... [He sits down, grabs his beer and drinks it.]
[Pointing his trowel at Oz] Is he barmy? Takin' a tea-break when the chargehand comes round?
Does it on purpose, Bomber.
I sometimes think Oz ain't playin' with a full stack.
Look, man, I don't go kow-towin' to authority like what they do. Yer put a chimpanzee in a uniform and they'd salute it. "I was only obeyin' my orders." That's like their national motto, man. [Ulrich speaks to a worker] And if you've got owt to say, say it to me face, pal!
He's not talkin' about you, Oz. He's talkin' to the Germans.
How d'you know when you can't speak a word of German?
I understand more German than what you think, mate.
UUlrich
[Approaching Oz] And I know more English thank you think... For instance, I know the English word "tea-break".
Look, Mr. Ulrich, I do me whack same as the next man, right? And if I do it any faster, it entitles us to take me tea break when I want to, alreet? Now at the end of the day, you'll find the same amount of bricks laid here as anywhere else on the site, alreet?
UUlrich
If this true... everything okay. [Oz nods. Ulrich turns to leave.] Danke Schön.
And donkey shite to you too, pal. [Ulrich leaves]
Hey Oz, why do you antagonise people for no good reason?
Just don't like to see them Germans gangin' up on wor, man.
They're not, man. Those lads are just doin' a job o' work, same as us. We're on their turf, man. We're happy enough to take their Deutschmarks come the end of the week, aren't we?
Well, what's that got ta do with it? Wa earn it, don't wa, 'cos we're the best!
[Giving up, he turns away] Eh, Bomber, I tell yer he's always gotta have the last word. It's hopeless, man! It's like beatin' yer head against a brick wall.
Aye, well if yer dae, divven't bang it against a German bit, 'cos it'll fall doon.
UUlrich
You are telling me this man has worked here almost three weeks without credentials?
Oh he's got credentials, Herr Ulrich. But, er, as a bricklayer. One of the best, mind, I can vouch for that meself.
UUlrich
But he is working here as carpenter. How can this be?
Well, er... I can only presume it was some sort of administrative cock-up.
UUlrich
Wass? (What?) [As this goes on, site secretary Dagmar is listening in to their conversation from the other side of the office.]
Well, a mistake. A blunder, like.. With the agent.
UUlrich
I think not. [To Dagmar] Bringen Sie mir die Arbeitsbedingungen deshalb vom Erster September. (Bring me the workforce requirement from 1st September.) [To Dennis & Neville] My requirement is always exact. I cannot believe the agent would make a mistake.
Well, he's handlin' people for all over Germany, I mean there's 30,000 of us workin' here. [Dagmar gives Ulrich the paperwork.] There's bound to be the odd error, like.
UUlrich
Herr Pfister is most dependable. [He goes over the paperwork] Ja. Here is my letter to Herr Pfister dated August 4th - my requirement is exact. Carpenters - three, plasterers - five. He sent four only - one comes today. Bricklayers... two only. There is no "cock-up".
[To Dennis] Ask him if there's any chance of a vacancy coming up.
He speaks English, Neville.
Ah, but you always put things better than I do, Den.
[Sighs] Look, Mr. Ulrich, I've worked in your country three times before. Now, you can ring round all the Stompenfuhrers you like, they'll all confirm that I'm straight, right. Now you lot asked me to bring people back. That's why I brought this lad here, because he's top rank. Now, as he was under my wing, so to speak, wa didn't want to split up. Now I'm sure the occasion is gonna arise shortly when you need another bricklayer. But in the meantime, he'll do anything you like. He can shovel. Fair enough?
[Grunwald, who was working in the office next door, enters and approaches Ulrich, who gets out of his seat.]
Was habt ihr Problem? (What is the problem?)
UUlrich
Dieser junge Mann sagte, er wäre Zimmermann. Es hat sich aber herausgestellt, dass er Maurer ist. Ich habe keine freie Stelle für solche. (This young man said he was a carpenter, but it turns out he's a bricklayer, and I have no vacancies for such.)
[To Neville] This is true? You are bricklayer?
What if there had been an accident? You would want compensation, ja? But the fault would be yours.
Oh, I never thought about that.
Ja. [To Ulrich] Sie müssen das selbst ausmachen. Ich bin schon fünf Minuten später. (You'll have to sort this out, I'm already five minutes late.) [Grunwald leaves the office]
UUlrich
[Sits back down. To Neville] You do not work today. I must think.
It's ten to six, yer kna.
Yes. Yes, it is, yes, Oz.
Yeah, but he was supposed to be here at two o'clock!
Well, maybe his car broke down.
Well I can think of better things to do than hang around here on a Friday night freezin' me nuts off.
[Dagmar and Ulrich exit the office, their working day done.]
UUlrich
Wiedersehen, Dagmar. Oh, schönes Wochenende. (Goodbye, Dagmar. Have a nice weekend.) [Some of the workers wolf whistle and make suggestive noises at Dagmar as she walks past. Ulrich approaches Oz] What's this? Some kind of British protest meeting?
We want wor wages, don't wa?
UUlrich
It is not my responsibility, it's the agent who pays you.
We know that, we know that, we just don't know where he is, man.
UUlrich
This is your business, it is not mine.
Oh well that's alright, but if we don't get paid, we just don't come to work next week, alreet?
UUlrich
Well, then I send for more out-of-work Engländers. [He gets in his car.]
We'll get no joy out of him, y'know. [Ulrich drives away, but not before Magowan furiously slams his hand on the roof of the car.]
[Entering the hut] Hey, yer seen them lunatics standin' out there, eh? As if that's ganna make him turn up any faster, y'know what I mean, eh!
Mind, Mr. Pfister's never usually this late, Dennis. I like to get to the post office on a Friday night, that way Brenda gets her money first thing Monday morning. [Moxey pulls the towel all the way over his head and over the bowl.]
Ey, there's no panic, man. I mean, yer kna, Don't forget... [Lights his cigarette] This bloke, he must cover, what, fifteen sites in a day, y'know. He could've got held up, had a puncture, yer kna, anything.#
[Lifts up his towel] It's like what Bomber told us the other day... [sniffs] ...there were thirty other Brits, y'know, when he was workin' in Essen a year ago waiting for their money. The agent never turned up at all.
[Pulls the towel back over the bowl and coughs before pulling the towel back] Well, it turns out... he'd legged it to Hamburg. Left his wife, took all their money and some young Fräulein, y'know, from the a-architect's office. [Coughs and covers his head again.]
Well, I've had enough of this. I mean, there's no point in standin' here like spare pricks at a wedding, is there? I mean, he knows where we live, doesn'he? [Turns and heads back to the hut]
You're right. Might as well get back and put the kettle on, eh? [Also turns and leaves]
Ah well, can't keep a nice young Fräulein waiting, I'd better wash me barnet, eh? [Turns and leaves. Barry follows suit.]
[Brandishing a hosepipe connected to a gravel suction pump] Well I'm gonna wait it out. Y'know what I'm gonna do when he does turn up?
I'm gonna connect 'im to this hosepipe there and I'm gonna blow gravel right up his jacksie.
Ah, yes, that is one approach, Magowan, yeah. On the other hand, you could always take a hard line though(!) [Magowan throws down the hosepipe and glares menacingly at Barry, who promptly backs away and heads with the others to the hut.]
[Torrential rain has brought all work on the site to a halt. In the hut, Barry writes a letter, while Wayne, Neville, Bomber and Oz play pontoon with a pack of lewd playing cards. Moxey is in bed with the flu.]
[Looks outside] It's like a bleedin' quagmire out there, innit? [To Moxey] Reckon we'll be laid off?
[All stuffed up] Suits me. I'm not well. [Sneezes into a hankie.]
Still ploatin' doon, isn'it?
"Ploatin' doon"? An' what's that supposed to mean, then?
Yer kna... hoyin' it doon, man. Cats and dogs. It's pissin' down, isn'it?
At least that's English. It's easier to learn German than understand Geordie.
Look, are we playing cards or what?
It comes from the French - "pleut". [Wayne rolls his eyes.] So, to "pleut" means "to rain" in French. At least, I think it does.
Yeah, well you're an educated man you are, Nev. O-Level in woodwork. Can't argue with that, can we(?) [Neville gives Wayne the two-fingered salute.] Do you wanna twist or buy?
Nah, I'll stick with these, thanks.
[One of the Turks enters the hut to bring fuel for the stove. He leaves the door open.]
I'll stick. [Gets up to shut the door.]
Brought up in a t-tent you were, Ayatollah!
Oh, leave the lad alone, we needs the warmth. [Shuts the door.]
Right, er, twist us a seven. [Wayne deals a card] Nine. Perfect(!) [He's bust, he throws his cards to the table.]
[Turns over his cards] Eighteen, pay nineteens.
[As he and Bomber throw their cards down] Can you believe his luck?
[Noticing the Turk standing by the stove with the wood in a bucket] Just leave it down there, Ayatollah. We'll manage it. Just get out. [The Turk sets the bucket down and starts observing the game.]
If I'd known I was going to be put in with you lot, I'd have taken a bloody language course! I'd have gone to that place in Oxford Street, you know? The Berlitz School, and taken elementary Geordie for beginners! :[The Turk takes a keen interest in Neville's cards.]
Hey, Ayatollah! That's all right. Sling yer hook. Get out! [The Turk finally takes the hint and leaves.]
Look at these cards. I must have killed a Chinaman.
A lot of Geordie derives from Denmark. Scandinavia. 'Cos of the Vikings, see? They came over our way first.
Well, they still do, don't they? They shop at Marks & Sparks!
[Meanwhile, Dennis is in the site office. Herr Ulrich enters.]
Er, just checking, Herr Ulrich, the lads were wondering what the possibility is of resuming work.
UUlrich
[Taking off his raincoat] Very small. The forecast is continual bad.
Well, we don't mind working the weekend, yer kna, to make up for it.
UUlrich
No, it's not popular with the German workers.
Well, can I just clarify one thing? I mean, we still get paid, don't we? I mean, the weather, that's not down to us, is it?
UUlrich
Well, the weather's very English, I think.
Yeah, but we'd still get paid in England.
UUlrich
Ja, but in Germany, you're self-employed. No work, no pay.
Well when I read the contract, it didn't read like that to me.
UUlrich
No? Please, read the small print.
Aye, there they go. Off to their nice comfortable homes.
Aye. They'll have a big tea waiting for 'em, a glass of foaming beer, slippers warming by the fire.
Yeah, then it's feet up in front of Coronation Straße and a quick bit of the ol' leg over on the settee.
Is that all you think about, Wayne? Turking?
Only when I'm awake, Moxey. At night, when I'm dreaming, I think of carpentry, don't I(?)
Right, what's it ganna be tonight, boys, then? A nice bit of gourmet cooking out the hut then a couple of gallons of beer at the club?
That's a good idea, Oz, we haven't done that for, er, twenty-four hours(!)
Actually, Dennis has hit on a very serious point here, y'know. I've been reading this book recently about health food, see, and I reckon our dietary habits leave a lot to be desired, I do, mate. Especially from the point of view of roughage.
[Turns to Barry] What's roughage?
[Notices Dennis laughing] What's the matter wi' you?
Look, if your bowels were Jericho, roughage would be a trumpet. [Dennis and Wayne laugh.]
Well... not quite, no. I'm thinkin' more on the lines of bran, or er... you know, a nice vegetable curry.
Aye. It's a pity we're in Germany, Barry. Still, 'ey, you could nip out to Bradford for a takeaway.
UUlrich
[Calling out to Bomber] Herr Busbridge? Come, please. Telephone.
Go on, Bomber. It's probably Littlewoods, you've won the jackpot.
Not with my luck, I ain't. Get my money, will you, Nev?
Hey, Bomber! Do Barry a favour, ask Ulrich if he knows of any Indian restaurants. [Bomber follows Herr Ulrich into the site office.]
UUlrich
Ah. There. [Points to a phone off the hook.] I will leave you alone, it's your wife.
My wife?! [Picks up the receiver] Hello, Patsy? What's the matter, girl?
Howay, then, lads. That's enough lazing around. Shall we...?
Ah, yer kna, the Erics have started. Doesn't do to lag behind, does it? [Sees Herr Ulrich passing through the site] Oh, guten Tag, Herr Ulrich! Wie geht's? (How are you?)
UUlrich
[Rather surprised] Mir geht's ganz gut, Osbourne. Und ich bin sehr beeindruckt, daß Sie Deutsch spechen versuchen. (I'm fine, Osbourne, and I'm very impressed that you're trying to speak German.)
He says he's very impressed, Oz, that you're trying to learn German.
Oh, aye! Well, just a few words, like. I haven't got that far yet.
UUlrich
Ja, but you're trying, Osbourne. That's good. Also, you're now starting back to work quickly. [Oz nods.] In Germany, just because we have a break does not mean we always take it. [Walks off]
[Ruefully] That's great, that is, isn'it, eh? We're on a legitimate break, he makes it look as if we're skivin'!
Still creeping 'round the Germans, then?
Nah, nah, man. Look, since I've been seein' Uli, Bomber, I've seen things in a different light. I mean, I now realise it takes all sorts to make a world. I mean, the average German's alreet. Compared to them Turks.
Ah, it's good to know he hasn't changed that much, Bomber, eh?
What's wrong with the Abduls?
Look, they account for half the crime in German cities.
Have a look around, man. The only dirty parts in this town are the parts where the Abduls live.
That's not their fault, man. They're over here as sweated labour. They get the worst housing, the lowest wages.
They're unclean in their habits, Dennis. [Goes off to start work, followed by Neville.]
So, you're still pretty keen on this Uli, then, Oz, eh?
Sure. I'm not sayin' she's not attractive, but, er, you are a married man, Oz.
Ah, howay, Nev, man! We got married too young, man. We stuck it out eight years. That's long enough. I mean, let's face it, me and Marjorie's not exactly Charles and Diana, is we?
I mean, I don't kid meself, Marjorie's a bit flighty. She's still seein' that bloke from the breweries, yer kna.
Well, you should've put a stop to that a long time ago.
What? Have yer seen the size of 'im? He lifts them barrels up with one hand, man!
Auf Wiedersehen, Pet · 320 quotes
