Neville quotes from Auf Wiedersehen, Pet

Neville

[Voiceover as he writes a postcard on the ferry to Holland] "Dearest Brenda, we are now at sea. I stood on deck and watched the coast of England disappear into the distant mist. Who knows what lies ahead? A better future for us, that is my fervent hope. Well, there's no more room for anything else, except to say I love you and miss you; Your Neville."

Neville

Forgive me Sir Bobby, for I have sinned.

Neville

I used to think that life was simple, get up, go to work, make a few modest gains for your family, you knew who you were, who you’re friends were. Life’s not like that, is it? It’s complex and devious.

Wyman

Did you see Barry?

Oz

Aye

Wyman

How is he?

Oz

Bombed out on opium is how he is.

Neville

Aye?

Opium?

Oz

Aye, weeeell, opium oot here's like marmite back home, there's a jar in every hoose.

Dennis

Hey! Hang on a minute! We're forgetting something aren't we? We haven't finished this yet, man! These villagers aren't going anywhere and we promised them a wash house.

Barry

I totally agree with Dennis. We can't leave them in the lurch. Plus, they've been extremely kind to me, it's not right.

Wyman

Give us a break guys!

Oz

Den man, in three days we can be back in Bangkok, where I've got unfinished business in a whirlpool.

Dennis

Oz, can you remember us ever not finshing a job? Nev?

Neville

Why Africa, but there was only a spot of plastering to do like.

Dennis

Doesn't sit right man?

Have you guys gone mad in the sun or something?

Oz

No, Den's right, get yourself a bowl of noodles pet, we've got a roof to finish.

Dennis

Hey, what did your Brenda say, when you told her we were going back to Germany?

Neville

She said, 'Auf Wiedersehen, Pet'.

Oz

Oh. Another postcard, is it, Neville(?)

Dennis

[as he and Oz sit at the table] He promised Brenda he'd keep in touch.

Oz

"Keep in touch"?! He wrote the first one at Darlington, man! Yer gonna blow all yer money on postage, lad.

Neville

She didn't want us to come. [Licks the back of a stamp and affixes it to the postcard] She said she'd accepted it; "Whatever's best for us", she said... then last night she was a bit tearful.

Oz

Mine never said a word.

Dennis

That's not like your missus.

Oz

Nah, well I must admit I never gave her a chance, like, y'know, I... sneaked out the back door and made a dawn departure, like. Pushed the car down the hill so it didn't make a noise. [Chuckles]

Neville

You did a runner on yer wife?

Dennis

Ah, you don't know his Marjorie. She's a right ball-breaker. I've seen her breakin' balls of innocent bystanders!

Oz

Last time I came out I didn't bother tellin' her I was comin'. Just said, er, "I'm goin' down to the newsagents, pet, gettin' the Sporting Chronicle". Three months I was away, that time.

Neville

Three months?! What'd she say when you got back?

Oz

"What won the 4.30?" [Laughs]

Neville

I've never worked abroad before. I've been abroad, like. Me an' Brenda went to Minorca twice.

Oz

Twice? Why twice?

Neville

...Well, we liked it the first time.

Oz

Whereaboots is it, Minorca?

Neville

Um... I'm not really sure. We flew non-stop from Newcastle.

Neville

Hey, why'd you have to give that German fella money anyway, Dennis?

Dennis

Well, he got us the job, man. See, that's like his backhander, yer kna.

Wayne

Oy, oy! What's the word, then, eh?

Dennis

Eh? What's the what then?

Wayne

How's it going?

Dennis

All right. [They walk off, but the man follows them to the car.]

Wayne

You said you were off to, er, Düsseldorf, is that right?

Oz

Er... might be. [They open the car doors.]

Wayne

Got a car, then?

Dennis

Nah, only this.

Oz

Hey, hey!

Wayne

Hey, any chance of a lift, like?

Dennis

I'm afraid not, son. See, we've got all wor gear an' there's the three of us, like.

Wayne

Yeah, yeah. Thanks. Do the same for you sometime, right(?) [Walks off, annoyed.]

Oz

Spurs. You can tell, man.

Oz

[Under the hood with Dennis] Turn it over, Nev. Give it another try. [Neville does so, but it's no good.]

Wayne

'Ey, 'ey? What's the word then?

Dennis

Choked's as good a word as any!

Wayne

[Laughs at the lads' misfortune] I might've given you a lift, y'know, but there's, er, not enough room for the three of you!

Oz

Ho'way with yer, London. We'll manage!

Wayne

See you in church! [The lorry drives away]

Neville

[Gets out of the car and checks underneath] Bottom of the sump's dropped off!

Oz

What?

Neville

The sump, man! The oil's all run oot! Engine must have seized.

Dennis

Can it be fixed?

Neville

Nah. It's a new engine, that. [Frustrated, Neville gets the bags out of the car.]

Dennis

If we get this fixed in a German garage, will the insurance cover it?

Oz

I doubt it very much, it's not insured.

Dennis

It has to be insured, man, otherwise you couldn't've got the green card to get the car out of England.

Oz

Ah, well I cancelled the insurance when I got the green card to give us a bit of spendin' money for when I got 'ere, y'see.

Dennis

You were ganna drive all the way to Germany without insurance? What if we had a crash? Eh? What if we'd ended up in a German hospital? We're not on the German national health, yer kna!

Oz

Well, we didn't, did we?

Dennis

But we could've done! What if the engine had seized on the fast lane, eh? One of the them big juggernauts up our arse?

Oz

We've never been in the fast lane.

Dennis

Should never have left nowt to you! [Slams the driver door shut in frustration] I won't again. You're totally irresponsible, you, Oz! It has to be said!

Dennis

Herr Grunwald?

Ja?

Dennis

Reporting for work, sir. [Hands papers to Grunwald] Patterson, Osbourne and Hope. Er, Herr Pfister signed us on - two brickies and a chippie. [Neville motions to Dennis] Er, unless you want another brickie.

Why?

Dennis

Er, well we know one if you do.

Nein. [Dennis looks at Neville as if to say "I tried"] It is not good, I think, to arrive so late.

Dennis

Yes, well sorry, sir. We had a bit of bother on the roads. [Glares at Oz] Look, can we just check in the hostel and we'll get back here smartish, eh?

The hostel is full. You will have to stay on the compound. [The lads look into the site]

Dennis

I thought we'd be in the hostel.

First served, first come. Put your things in your hut. [Walks away]

Oz

'Hut'? What's he talkin' about, 'hut'?

Dennis

It's pro tem, man. Pro tem. Howay.

Neville

[To Dennis] You said we'd be in a hostel with table tennis and baths.

Dennis

Aye, well we would've been, wouldn't we, if we'd've been on time! [Oz doesn't respond.]

Neville

...Where are we?

Oz

Stalag 17 by the look of things.

Neville

Eeh, is there anywhere to go round here?

Dennis

I don't know, Neville, you've seen as much of this place as I have.

Neville

Aye, but you've been here before.

Dennis

Not to this site, I haven't. Neville, I can't choose the site! I'm a bricklayer, I'm not a bloody architect! [Spots a builder walking in their direction] Oi! [The builder approaches, he's significantly taller and more well built than the other three] Er, excuse me, d'yer speak English?

Bomber

[In a Bristolian accent] 'Tis my mother tongue, my dear. Spoke it all my life. The name's Bomber.

Dennis

Which is the best hut, Bomber?

Bomber

Oh, I'd take that one. [Glances over to his left] The other one's got all the Turks in. We calls it the Casbah. [Walks off.]

Neville

Everything's a joke to you, isn'it, Oz? Just a permanent clown, you are.

Oz

Aye, well I'd sooner be a clown than a bloody misery like you! Yer like death warmed up, you are!

Neville

I'm not here 'cos I like it, Oz! Some of us have - like me and Dennis - we're only goin' through with this 'cos we've got a purpose.

Oz

Oh, I thought you just had a wife, I didn't realise you had a porpoise! What d'yer feed that on?

Dennis

There ya go, Nev. That makes it all worthwhile, eh? First pay packet.

Bomber

And Bomber's last!

What? You are leaving?

Bomber

And not soon enough, me ol' duck! Got a nice job lined up, I have. Bristol, new bypass. Good money, home every night and English ale. [Walks off]

Dennis

[Sotto voce to Neville] If, eh, they need a brickie, I'll steam in there Monday, all reet?

Neville

Great!

Wayne

Who's this then? Barry Sheene?

Barry

[Stops his bike in front of the three Geordies. Wayne also approaches] Hello again, Dennis!

Dennis

Alreet?

Barry

'Ello, everybody!

Wayne

Oh yeah? Don't believe I've had the pleasure, son!

Barry

Ah, Barry! Barry Taylor. [Shakes Wayne's hand]

Dennis

Thought you'd, er, gone to Mönchengladbach.

Barry

Ah, I didn't like one bit, did I? Didn't like the place nor the site! [Looks around] This looks alright, though! It's got a sort of... better air, hasn't it? Need electricians, do they?

Wayne

Capo's in the hut.

Barry

Ey, I'll chance me arm here then!

Neville

[Holding up his bandaged hand] I do that every day!

Dennis

[Whispering] Shut up, man, you'll wake everybody up, man.

Barry

[In bed] Can you be quiet, please?

Oz

Sorry, sorry, I kicked the bucket...

Neville

[Still awake] Dennis?

Dennis

Aye? Sorry, did he wake yer up?

Neville

Nah, I wasn't sleeping. [Oz pulls up next to Dennis] Did yer have a good time?

Oz

Oh, hey, it was magic. Magic!

Neville

Did you go to the, er...?

Oz

Why-aye, I did.

Dennis

Oz and Bomber did. I gave it a miss, me.

Neville

Where is Bomber?

Oz

Ho, he's still there. I think he's bought a season ticket, Bomber.

Neville

What was it like?

Oz

Oh, Nev, it was fantastic. [Getting louder] I had this gorgeous tart, I mean, admit it, Dennis, wasn't she gorgeous?

Dennis

Yeah, she wasn't bad.

Barry

Will you be quiet, please?

Oz

[Loudly] Ah, bollocks, man! [Slightly quieter] She was Eurasian, Nev, yer kna... or somewhere like that. But, I mean, let's face it, yer don't get the chance with birds like that back home, do yer? I mean...

Neville

Was it, like, different, was it?

Oz

Cor! Tell you one thing, mate - sex is in its infancy in Gateshead.

Neville

Turkey 2 - England 3!

Bomber

[In bed after a night at a brothel] Oh aye?

Neville

I thought you were goin' home today, Bomber. Shouldn't you be at the station by now?

Bomber

Should be, yes.

Neville

Better get yer skates on, haven't ya?

Bomber

Not going now. No point.

Neville

What?

Bomber

No money.

Neville

Ay, you're joking! You said you had nearly £900 to take home!

Bomber

I had it. Now I haven't.

Neville

Well, how many girls did you have?

Bomber

I went out afterwards with some of the Brits. Poker was my downfall. I was feeling lucky. I reckon the Williams Schnapps affected Bomber's judgment.

Neville

Awww. That's tragic! What'll ya tell the wife?

Bomber

Well I knows exactly what she'll say. That's why Bomber's staying. [Neville looks somewhat disappointed] Not the first time, boy. Daft as a brush, that's always been Bomber's problem. I get up and goes to work every week, hands it over to the wife, pays for the house, new clothes for the kids. Don't leave much for yourself, like. Suddenly you gets a great wad of spending money in your fist. Throws you off, don't it? It's a great feeling to be able to buy drinks for your friends, even strangers.

Neville

So... what are you gonna do now?

Bomber

[Gets out of bed] As much overtime as I can crack! It's the straight and narrow from now on for Bomber!

Dennis

Hey, Nev! Capo tells me you've jacked it in. Well, is it true?

Neville

Well, yeah. No choice, have I? [He climbs down a ladder] See, if Bomber had gone, I'd have stopped, but... ah, I'm no chippie, man, Dennis. I can't go on faking it.

Dennis

Well, look, I tell yer what, I'll have a word, okay? [They start to walk through the site back to the hut] I'll explain the circumstances, I'll say that yer, er, dead keen to stay on. Then we'll just swap yer back to bricks.

Neville

Well, it's too late for that now, Den. See, I just rang the missus and told her I'm comin'.

Dennis

Was it a letter, like?

Neville

Nah, it wasn't her. She's put no pressure on at all. It's me, man, Dennis. I hate it here, I admit. See, maybe I could make £1,000, but it would take us six months, man. And I cannae stand the prospect of that.

Dennis

Yeah, it's partly my fault, I suppose, eh?

Neville

Nah.

Dennis

Painting too rosy a picture.

Neville

Nah, it's not that either. See, it's just... I know me, I know I wouldn't last the distance.

Dennis

Well, when d'yer leave?

Neville

Said I'd work out this week.

Dennis

Right, listen. Friday night, okay, you're comin' out with the lads, right? I mean, yer haven't come all this way to spend two weeks in a hut, readin' Oz's overdue library books.

Neville

Oh, I'd just as soon...

Dennis

Nah, no arguments. That's settled, alreet?

Neville

Well... aye.

Dennis

Great. Good lad.