VVicky
Did y'ever see The Thomas Crown Affair?
...Nah, I never went to rock concerts, Vicky, I was busy working.
VVicky
Man, it was a film! An' in it, Steve McQueen an' Faye Dunaway seduced each other across the chessboard. [Ally doesn't react] Well, it was a very sexy scene.
Really? I imagine you might find that a wee bit uncomfortable, all these bits stickin' into yer bum! [The phone rings. Fraser goes to answer it.]
VVicky
Will yer make a move now? Otherwise I'm gonna be here all day! [Fraser moves a Pawn one space forward and heads to the phone] Oh, live dangerously, why don't yer(?)
[Answering the phone. It's Howard Radcliff, the architect working on Thornely Manor] Yes? Oh, good morning, Howard, yes. How are ya?
[From his new office in a town near to the manor] I'm extremely well, Ally, thank you. I just thought I'd let you know that our planning application's in, and that my personal contact on the council says there'll be no trouble.
Good, I'm very pleased to hear that.
My new drawings are also coming along nicely.
I just thought now would be an opportune time to discuss the costing of the materials. I've drawn up three different budges for fitting the surfaces and other interior details.
And, er... how are they running at?
At £22,000, £48,000, and top of the range, £65,000.
[As Vicky's Bishop takes one of his Pawns] ...Aye, well, I think, Howard, in view of the revised nature of the premises, er... I think it would be a wee bit of a pity to waste all your fancy-dan trappings on people with one foot in the grave. I think we should err on the side of caution, don't you, Howard?
As you wish, Ally, but the first figure I quoted is an absolute rock-bottom, using the cheapest materials available.
That's all right, I've already laid out enough cash on this project. It's time I started earning a nest egg for my old age. So, I want no corner left uncut, Howard. Do you understand? And you can pass that on to Dennis too.
Will do. Incidentally, it may interest you to know that he and his lads are currently staying at the house.
Ah... Aye, well, don't mention it just yet then, Howard, but sometime in the future it might be wise to broach the little subject of rent with them.
[Chuckles] I'll get the meters read as well, if you like.
I was not joking, Howard!
Right. Well, I'll get the plans out to you by the weekend, Ally.
Lovely. I'll look forward to seeing them then. Okay. Bye for now, then. Bye, Howard. [Puts the phone down and focuses back on the chessboard] My God. If Faye Dunaway played chess like you, she'd be lucky if she got a good night kiss. [Gets up, blows a kiss on his palm, which he rubs on Vicky's cheek]
Hello. Goin' out, are we?
VVicky
Yeah, I'm goin' down to Cannibal's. It's this club that Ally owns.
Yeah, yeah. That's right. We were there last night.
VVicky
D'yer wanna come down tonight? I could leave your name at the door.
D'you mean me, or all of us?
VVicky
Well... why, like? D'you always do everythin' as a group?
Oh, no, no. I do loads of things on me own.
Mind you, it might be a bit off tonight, eh, 'cos I am Ally's guest, ain't I?
VVicky
Oh, well. Suit yerself.
Maybe we can leave it 'til Spain, eh?
A bit of dancing, or something.
VVicky
Well, we'll have to see about that, won't we? [She smiles as she closes the window.]
[In quiet but warning tones] That's mine.
It's nice to think you could retire to somewhere like this. I suppose the best I could hope for is a caravan near Clevedon overlooking the Bristol Channel.
At least people would talk to you there, Bomb. You'd have neighbours and friends. Where out here, you'd probably wind up next to some people like that couple who hoyed us out of their pool today.
Aye. I know we were trespassing, like, but as soon as I seen his face I hate him. He's just the sort of person that makes you ashamed to be English.
In all fairness, Oz, he probably feels exactly the same about you.
What? Well, he shouldn't, should he? 'Cos I'm isn't. He is. He is. Every time I see his sort, the hairs on me back curl up!
Yeah. A prick, in my language. He's the sort of bloke who'd sit in the golf club all day, moaning and groaning, or write to the papers about [Posh accent] how people don't pull their weight. [Normal accent] Then what does he do when he cops his pension, eh? Whoosh! Body sweve doon to Spain so he'll not get collared wi' nae tax!
Er, when did you last pay your income tax, Oz? Was it...
What's that gotta do with anything?
VVicky
I thought you lads might be a bit thirsty.
Oh, San Miguel? [Wayne and Nev take a beer from the tray.]
Vicky, just bring that over here, will you? I'll take care of that. [She puts the tray on the table] There you go, gentlemen, help yourselves to a beer. I'll be with you in just a moment. Uno momento. Vicky? [Goes into the villa. Vicky follows.]
Always wondered what our Vicky would look like unwrapped.
Look, Vicky, when we've got these cowboys around the place, it might look better if you didn't go around flaunting yourself.
VVicky
[Looks down at her bikini-clad body] Who's flaunting?
D'ya think that bikini's the height of discretion? I used to use bigger plasters to cover my pimples.
VVicky
Yes, well, you don't complain as a rule, do you? [Reclines on the sofa]
Well, as a rule, I don't have seven randy brickies running around the patio!
VVicky
Well, there's going to be no point in going out is there? I mean, I cannae sunbathe, I cannae go for a swim 'cos there's nae water in the pool, I cannae play me records 'cos I cannae hear them for the concrete mixer...
Are the arrangements not to your liking, Vicky?
VVicky
I'm just saying...
Is the villa no longer up to scratch? May I just remind you that two years ago, when you were a manicurist at Maison André, your idea of the holiday of a lifetime was a fortnight at Redcar!
VVicky
Listen, I travelled before I met you, Ally Fraser. Me and me friend Barbara had two successive summers in Magaluf.
Och, well, in that case... In that case... [Picks up the phone and hands it to Vicky] Why don't you just give Barbara a bell? See if she's still got the tent!
Oh, I'm not so sure, Bomb. I mean, at Ally's party, you know, in Geordieland, I definitely got a flash off that one.
You mess around with her and bollocks it up for the rest of us, you'll have more than a flash off me, Wayne!
Eh? Don't sermonise me, Bomb! You're not past a bit of lechery yourself. I saw you the other night, down the casino. Two young travel agents from Preston, eh? [Chuckles]
Nothin' I did with them is gonna come back on us lot. [Quiet for sternly] Off limits!
VVicky
[Now on the terrace] Mornin', lads.
[Hard at work on the tiling in the pool with Neville] Hello.
[Stops what he's doing] Right, I'll not be long.
VVicky
[Inspecting the lads' work] Eee, mind, this place is comin' on. You'll be finished here soon.
[Chucking rocks from the deep end to the terrace] Aye, we divvn't hang aboot, us lot, yer kna.
VVicky
Er... what are you ganna do when the job's finished, Oz?
Me? I don't kna. S'pose I'll have to gan back and... face the grim reality of Margaret Thatcher's Britain. [Has a swig of his beer.] Unless your Ally coughs up a finishin' bonus, like. Then I can postpone it... for a week.
VVicky
An', er... take off somewhere, like?
Ah, well, me an' Barry had planned tae have a slow tovy back through France. But now with his, yer kna, fiancée, we've had to give La Français the big E, so to speak. So, I'll be on me own, as usual.
I'm... very sorry if my personal affairs have intruded on your plans, Oz(!)
Not my plans, pal. You were the one that wanted to gan an' see the shite hooses of the Loire.
VVicky
'Ey, I've always fancied San Tropez, meself. I think there's more nightlife. An', I mean, well, it's more sophisticated than this, like, isn'it?
Oh, aye, yeah. Definitely. Give me San Tropez every time!
VVicky
[Looking at a couple of samples] Which one do you think, Chris?
Well, it is your villa, after all, Vicky.
VVicky
Oh, I know, but you've got a flair for this sort of thing, an' that's what I wanted you to come.
SSalesman
Es doble mas caro que éste. (That one costs twice as much as the other.)
He says that one's twice as expensive as that. [Pointing to the two samples]
[Motioning behind him] There's plenty more to choose from, yer kna.
VVicky
No, no. Me mind's made up. It's between these two.
Well, if it was up to me, I would go for this one - the more traditional design. But that is the expensive one.
VVicky
Oh, I'm not bothered about that, I mean, it's Ally's money.
That's the one, then, is it?
VVicky
Aye, I'm adamant. I'll have that one. [Points to her choice.]
Right. I'll do the business, okay. [Dennis goes inside with the salesman.]
VVicky
[Looking at more samples] I wonder if I should tile the barbecue area. What do you think?
Hmm? Oh, I don't know, Vicky. I really don't know. [Sits on a bench] But I'm sure the villa is going to be absolutely exquisite once it's finished.
VVicky
[Unenthusiastically] Hmmm... [Sits next to Christine]
[Picking up on this...] You don't sound very enthusiastic.
VVicky
Oh, it'd be all right if it was just for the odd week.
VVicky
Oh, Chris, I've got nobody to confide in. That's why I'm pleased you're here. I mean, Ally never tells me anythin', but even I can put 2 and 2 together. He's been really tetchy recently, an' there's been all these late night phone calls, and now his solicitor's turned up. You can bet Hallwood's not down here for a tan.
What are you saying, Vicky?
VVicky
I'm sayin' we might be down here for good.
Oh? Well, if it does come to that, there are worse places to live.
VVicky
Ah, I kna it's got everything, I mean, the climate and the Mediterranean, an' we get all English television flown over on video. But... Chris, I'd die if I thought I was never goin' to see Newcastle again!
Well, tell [Big] Baz to look for Dennis's mother's house, you check out his friends, his neighbours...
VVicky
[Exits the bathroom] Can I take the car, Ally?
[To Vicky] Just take whatever you like, just get lost, will ya! [Upset, Vicky takes the car keys and exits the hotel suite as Dennis enters, unknown to Fraser]
Ally... Ally, Dennis is a family man. He has kids here. He's not gonna do a runner with your money. Don't panic!
Don't tell me not to panic, pal! If Dennis is picked up at an airport then it's my nuts that are in the wringer! [Slams the phone down]
Where in Jesus' name have you been?
Got the first flight out this morning.
Oh, ya did, did ya? What, you had a night out on the town? I've been down at the airport for two hours while you were out doing the strip clubs of Soho!
No, no, no, I was detained by two gentlemen of the Customs.
...You were? Did they give you a good going over, Dennis?
Oh aye, they certainly did, yeah.
Well, er, eventually they said "We're very sorry that you been incovenienced, Mr. Patterson".
[Chuckles] Oh, Dennis... [Pats Dennis on the chest before closing the door to the suite] "Very sorry you've been inconvenienced, Mr. Patterson", that's terrific. [Takes the suitcase and puts it on the coffee table. He opens it... and finds nothing but clothes inside.] Don't fart me around, Dennis!
Don't fart you around?! You set me up to bring a bag of undeclared illegal currency out of the country! You put my chopper on the block, pal!
Well if they had, I wouldn't be here, would I?
Oh, I see. So you opened this case before you left home?
It's a good job I did, isnit! You must think I'm a right wanker. Look, I knew I wasn't sent back to Newcastle to bring you back some documents! Somethin' heavy's comin' down on you, pal. It couldn't happen to a nicer fella(!)
That slag Vicky's been shouting her mouth off...
Just leave Vicky out of this, you brought this on yourself, man!
Where is my money, Dennis?
Oh, it's safe, less a few quid I've taken out to bump meself up to club class.
Oh... Dennis, Dennis... The reason I didn't level with you is because I reckon that what the eye doesn't see, the heart doesn't grieve over. I didn't want you going through Customs with the old ticker pounding and the old blood pressure shooting up through the roof.
Oh it's nice to know you had my best interests at heart(!)
Dennis, the reason I sent you is a reflection of my trust. [Pours two Scotches] We've worked together for a long time, you and me, eh? A Scotch do ya?
Look, I'm about to jack all this in, right? And that 25 grand, that's like my warranty.
Are you laying down terms, Dennis?
I am, actually, yeah. First off, you hold the deeds to my wife's house. I'd be obliged if Hallwood sent them back to me bank, right? Secondly, as you're about to become an exile out here, I'm a bit concerned about the lads. I mean, your assets might get tied up for a bit. So that money is guaranteed their full whack, generous bonuses and their air fares back home.
No... Oh yeah, If I see Vicky with so much as a broken fingernail... you'll never see the balance.
Auf Wiedersehen, Pet · 320 quotes
