Fraser quotes from Auf Wiedersehen, Pet

The photographs didn't do this place justice! It's even bigger than I imagined.

Yeah... you know, Ally, I've always thought that Victorian architecture was a gesture of their confidence rather than their taste.

Ah, well. Anyway, Malcolm, a hundred years ago or so there'd be one family living in this place. Coal owner, probably. Picture it - there's a thousand wretches slaving away underground for a hundred hours a week for a bowl of dripping, and he's up here supping claret and playing billiards after dinner. [Chuckles] Those were the days, eh, son?

As a point of fact, I think most of the industry 'round here was steel.

Well, times change. Most of Kenny Ames's money came from pornography.

Did he ever actually live in the house?

Ahh, I think he spent a few weekends here, before the Fraud Squad caused his hasty departure to Málaga.

The Fraud Squad's my main concern, Ally. Any transaction involving his property is gonna show straight up on their computers.

So? They can't freeze his assets. Thanks to our great British judicial system, a man is innocent until proven guilty. And Kenny Ames will be innocent until the day he dies, provided he dies in Spain.

It draws attention to you. I mean they're not gonna fail to notice that the sale price is way below market value. That's fraud, Ally! You're avoiding Capital Gains Tax, to say nothing of Stamp Duty.

Look, my survey report will show that this building is ridden with dry rot, rising damp, woodworm and horribly, possibly, even deathwatch beetle! He's very lucky I'm taking it out of his hands!

You haven't had a survey! [Fraser goes to a back door with a crumbling arch] I haven't even had time to conduct the normal searches.

Well, my survey report will show exactly what I want it to show, my friend. [Picks from the crumbling arch] I guarantee that.

How're you doing, Dennis? What was the law after?

Dennis

Ah, just checkin' up, like, yer kna.

Aye. D'you know Malcolm Hallwood?

Dennis

No. Hello there. [They shake hands]

[To Hallwood as he hands Dennis the architect's plans] Dennis will be in charge of the operations. [Fraser, Hallwood and Big Baz get out of the car]

It looks like you've got your work cut out, Dennis.

Dennis

I've got the right lads for it, like, yer kna. [Wayne, Bomber, Oz and Neville look accusingly at Fraser]

They look more like a bunch of mercenaries!

Good morning, Ally.

No, Kenny, it is not a good morning. It is not a good morning at all.

Oh well, if your mood's going to affect your game, we'll double the ante.

Oh? Why, didn't you like that little masseuse I sent you last week? She did wonders with my back swing.

[Getting his driver out] I'm talking about the house, Kenny. Why did you not tell me that it was a listed building?

You didn't ask me.

How am I supposed to turn it into timesharing units when it's got a preservarion order slapped on it?

I didn't know that was your intention.

Piss off, Kenny! You didn't think I was gonna live there, did you?

Yeah, I did, actually. You'd better tee off, son. There's some people coming. [Ally tees off aggressively, creating a large divot in the teeing area. Kenny laughs] Oh, dear. Oh, dear. What bad luck. [Gets a tee out of his pocket and places it into the ground] You know, I was actually going to live in the place when I first bought the drum. Rather saw myself as a country squire. Got myself all kitted out - guns from Purdies, suits from Daks, bought myself a fishing rod and a Range Rover. [Looks along the hole and shouts] Cuatro!

[At the buggy] What?

Fore, you berk. [Hits the ball. It lands in a better place than Ally's. Kenny laughs.] Even went up there a few weekends to inveigle myself with the local populace. Invited the neighbours over for sherry. [Gets in the buggy with Ally.] Even opened a bleeding church bazaar.

[As he starts to drive the buggy along the hole] The local populace, I assume, were quite unaware of the fact you were London's leading pornographer?

Oh, yeah. I mean, I kept that shtum. Hinted at the rag trade. I was really getting into it. One day I woke up and I thought, "I'd even like to end my days here." I wasn't being morbid, more philosophical, really. I thought, "If I snuff it, I'd rather like to do it in a typical English rural setting. Preferably with a cricket match on the village green."

And is there honey still for tea?

What?

Rupert Brooke.

Who's he? One of Ronnie Knight's mob?

No, he's a poet, Kenny. Shared your new-found affections for the joys of England.

Oh, I must give him a read. Is he one of the modern ones?

No, no. Long gone, Kenny. [Stops the buggy.] Died in a foreign field. Which is exactly what you will do. [Gets out of the buggy and gets a club.]

Ally, I was set up. That's the tragedy of it.

I feel a wee bit the same way! [Fraser frantically searches for his ball in the rough.]

Oh, come on, Ally. You've acquired a beautiful residence, well below the market value. All you've got to do is to restore it to its former grandeur. [Fraser chips the ball out of the rough.] Why don't you turn it into a fat farm?

Did y'ever see The Thomas Crown Affair?

...Nah, I never went to rock concerts, Vicky, I was busy working.

Man, it was a film! An' in it, Steve McQueen an' Faye Dunaway seduced each other across the chessboard. [Ally doesn't react] Well, it was a very sexy scene.

Really? I imagine you might find that a wee bit uncomfortable, all these bits stickin' into yer bum! [The phone rings. Fraser goes to answer it.]

Will yer make a move now? Otherwise I'm gonna be here all day! [Fraser moves a Pawn one space forward and heads to the phone] Oh, live dangerously, why don't yer(?)

[Answering the phone. It's Howard Radcliff, the architect working on Thornely Manor] Yes? Oh, good morning, Howard, yes. How are ya?

Howard

[From his new office in a town near to the manor] I'm extremely well, Ally, thank you. I just thought I'd let you know that our planning application's in, and that my personal contact on the council says there'll be no trouble.

Good, I'm very pleased to hear that.

Howard

My new drawings are also coming along nicely.

Good.

Howard

I just thought now would be an opportune time to discuss the costing of the materials. I've drawn up three different budges for fitting the surfaces and other interior details.

And, er... how are they running at?

Howard

At £22,000, £48,000, and top of the range, £65,000.

[As Vicky's Bishop takes one of his Pawns] ...Aye, well, I think, Howard, in view of the revised nature of the premises, er... I think it would be a wee bit of a pity to waste all your fancy-dan trappings on people with one foot in the grave. I think we should err on the side of caution, don't you, Howard?

Howard

As you wish, Ally, but the first figure I quoted is an absolute rock-bottom, using the cheapest materials available.

That's all right, I've already laid out enough cash on this project. It's time I started earning a nest egg for my old age. So, I want no corner left uncut, Howard. Do you understand? And you can pass that on to Dennis too.

Howard

Will do. Incidentally, it may interest you to know that he and his lads are currently staying at the house.

Ah... Aye, well, don't mention it just yet then, Howard, but sometime in the future it might be wise to broach the little subject of rent with them.

Howard

[Chuckles] I'll get the meters read as well, if you like.

I was not joking, Howard!

Howard

Right. Well, I'll get the plans out to you by the weekend, Ally.

Lovely. I'll look forward to seeing them then. Okay. Bye for now, then. Bye, Howard. [Puts the phone down and focuses back on the chessboard] My God. If Faye Dunaway played chess like you, she'd be lucky if she got a good night kiss. [Gets up, blows a kiss on his palm, which he rubs on Vicky's cheek]

Howard

[Upon seeing Fraser] Ally? [Turns off radio.] I didn't know you were in England

I had to come over, didn't I, Howard? Sort out the uprising.

Howard

Oh dear... I hope there was no unpleasantness.

Oh no, more of a sort of skirmish, Howard. A lover's tiff, wouldn't you say, Dennis?

Dennis

Aye, Big Baz and Bomber will have announced their engagement any minute I expect! [Fraser and Howard laugh]

[As he and Dennis sit on a sofa] Now then, Howard, you must have some malt whisky in this expensive looking office that I'm paying for?

Howard

Coming right up...

Bring the bottle over. Dennis and I have got a bit of negotiating to do. [Howard does so.] That's it, shirtsleeve order. Beer and sandwiches at TUC headquarters.

Howard

I've got a couple of sesame seed bars if you'd like.

Oh, no thank you.

Dennis

No, save mine for the budgie's cage. [Howard sits down and starts pouring out the whisky.]

Right, now, item one on the agenda: as a result of the case put forcibly to me by Dennis and his brothers, I hereby agree to upgrade the ongoing conversion on Thornely Manor. Now, Howard, have you still got that medium-range budget on file, have you?

Howard

Well, yes, but it means jumping up another 20 grand or so!

No, no, I can live with that. Dennis has persuaded me that it would be a great pity to skimp on a building of such architectural heritage, especially if there's gonna be a lot of old dears knocking it around soon. On that subject, just make a note on that pad there to increase the projected fee structure for the resident gentlefolk.

Dennis

Passing the costs on already, Ally?

Oh, Dennis, if we're going to go upmarket, we can attract a better class of pensioner. If you look in the wills column in the Daily Torygraph, you'll see there's quite a few around with a package stashed away.

Howard

[To Dennis] I'm amazed you got him to agree to this!

Dennis

Right, well, beneath that flinty exterior beats a heart of gold, man.

Don't let it get around, Dennis.

Dennis

He's also aware that if he hadn't changed his mind, the VAT people would have got an enormous tip-off about certain unpaid taxes on the building work.

Item two: I also hereby agree to waive my rights on the rent monies payable to me from Dennis and his boys after having squatted on my property for the past few weeks.

Dennis

For heart of gold, read "nugget".

And as for my personal loan to Dennis: the terms of the debt remain the same. Complete the job on the Manor, and we're all square. And I think I can see a way to writing off the interest payable on the loan, which incidentally, Dennis, is currently running at £2,648, give or take a few coppers.

Dennis

What's the catch?

No catch. An absolutely straightforward proposition as regards your boys. You keep them on the payroll for my next project, and we will be as sweet as a bun!

[Playing a buzz wire game] Look, I'm sorry, Dennis, but due to the Spanish immigration laws, there is just no way at the moment that I can take a bunch of foreign workers down there.

Dennis

Now wait a minute, Ally, you put your brief on this three weeks ago. He should have told you all that then, man.

And he did, Dennis. Couple of days later, I had it all fixed up. I arranged backhanders with a couple of key Pedros down there, but at the last minute, they tried to brace me and cop me for a wee bit extra, and to my mind, it's just a wee bitty too much, so I told them to stuff it.

Dennis

[Looks out of the window to the rest of the lads, who are waiting with all their luggage outside] Look, I've got a bunch of lunatics down there. They're all fired up, they packed their bags, they've sorted things out with their families, and if you don't come through this time...

Just take them over tomorrow night, my house, my hospitality. That'll soften them up for ya. By that time I should have sorted something out.

Dennis

I hope so, for your sake! [Starts to leave] What time should I bring them?

Er... make it about ten. [His loop touches the wire towards the end, making a high-pitched buzz] I mean, feed them first!

Wayne

Hello. Goin' out, are we?

Yeah, I'm goin' down to Cannibal's. It's this club that Ally owns.

Wayne

Yeah, yeah. That's right. We were there last night.

D'yer wanna come down tonight? I could leave your name at the door.

Wayne

D'you mean me, or all of us?

Well... why, like? D'you always do everythin' as a group?

Wayne

Oh, no, no. I do loads of things on me own.

Oh, aye?

Wayne

Mind you, it might be a bit off tonight, eh, 'cos I am Ally's guest, ain't I?

Oh, well. Suit yerself.

Wayne

Maybe we can leave it 'til Spain, eh?

Er... leave what?

Wayne

A bit of dancing, or something.

Well, we'll have to see about that, won't we? [She smiles as she closes the window.]

Wayne

Yeah.

[In quiet but warning tones] That's mine.

Wayne

Lovely motor, squire.

I didn't mean the car.

Bomber

It's nice to think you could retire to somewhere like this. I suppose the best I could hope for is a caravan near Clevedon overlooking the Bristol Channel.

Neville

At least people would talk to you there, Bomb. You'd have neighbours and friends. Where out here, you'd probably wind up next to some people like that couple who hoyed us out of their pool today.

Oz

Aye. I know we were trespassing, like, but as soon as I seen his face I hate him. He's just the sort of person that makes you ashamed to be English.

Barry

In all fairness, Oz, he probably feels exactly the same about you.

Oz

What? Well, he shouldn't, should he? 'Cos I'm isn't. He is. He is. Every time I see his sort, the hairs on me back curl up!

Yeah. The bourgeoisie.

Oz

Yeah. A prick, in my language. He's the sort of bloke who'd sit in the golf club all day, moaning and groaning, or write to the papers about [Posh accent] how people don't pull their weight. [Normal accent] Then what does he do when he cops his pension, eh? Whoosh! Body sweve doon to Spain so he'll not get collared wi' nae tax!

Barry

Er, when did you last pay your income tax, Oz? Was it...

Oz

What's that gotta do with anything?

I thought you lads might be a bit thirsty.

Oz

Oh, San Miguel? [Wayne and Nev take a beer from the tray.]

Vicky, just bring that over here, will you? I'll take care of that. [She puts the tray on the table] There you go, gentlemen, help yourselves to a beer. I'll be with you in just a moment. Uno momento. Vicky? [Goes into the villa. Vicky follows.]

Wayne

Always wondered what our Vicky would look like unwrapped.

Barry

Oh, pathetic!

Look, Vicky, when we've got these cowboys around the place, it might look better if you didn't go around flaunting yourself.

[Looks down at her bikini-clad body] Who's flaunting?

D'ya think that bikini's the height of discretion? I used to use bigger plasters to cover my pimples.

Yes, well, you don't complain as a rule, do you? [Reclines on the sofa]

Well, as a rule, I don't have seven randy brickies running around the patio!

Well, there's going to be no point in going out is there? I mean, I cannae sunbathe, I cannae go for a swim 'cos there's nae water in the pool, I cannae play me records 'cos I cannae hear them for the concrete mixer...

Are the arrangements not to your liking, Vicky?

I'm just saying...

Is the villa no longer up to scratch? May I just remind you that two years ago, when you were a manicurist at Maison André, your idea of the holiday of a lifetime was a fortnight at Redcar!

Listen, I travelled before I met you, Ally Fraser. Me and me friend Barbara had two successive summers in Magaluf.

Och, well, in that case... In that case... [Picks up the phone and hands it to Vicky] Why don't you just give Barbara a bell? See if she's still got the tent!

Dennis

Afternoon, Ally. Didn't expect to see you back this early. [Fraser produces a copy of The Sun.]

Oz

Is that an English paper you got there?

That's right, Oz, I've got an English paper. Something I'd like to read to you here, boys, I don't want to take up too much of your valuable time. If you just gather around, please. [The lads down tools and gather round Fraser.] Right. Are we all sitting comfortably? Then I'll begin. [Reads from the paper] "Spain's Costa del Crime is still a haven for the growing band of Brits who Scotland Yard are," quote, "'anxious to question'. Kenny Ames, 47, who persists in denying he was Britain's King of Porn, continues to sun himself on his luxury yacht in Marbella."

Barry

Ah, that sounds like the one we were on, is it?

[Continues reading] "No doubt, his companions, newly arrived from England are business associates." [He puts the paper down for the others to see.]

[Pointing to the photo] Hey, that's us!

Oz

Hey, look at that! Centre spread!

Wayne

I've seen much better photos of me than that one, though.

Neville

What's Brenda's folks ganna say?

Dennis, read on.

Dennis

[He picks up where Fraser left off.] "I spoke exclusively to the new arrivals in their luxury hotel."

In their what?!

Dennis

"They were evasive about their reasons for being in Spain, one of them claiming that they were members of the Wolverhampton Aqualung Society." [Looks at Barry, then back at the paper.] "Research has shown that no such club exists. Meanwhile, police continue their search for the gang who pulled off the daring payroll robbery in Sheffield last week." [The lads voice their disdain.]

Bomber

Who wrote that rubbish?

Dennis

Er... Nick Wheeler.

Oz

Wasn't that geezer who was buyin' all the booze in the bar the other neet called Nick?

Aye, it was, yeah.

Is this your idea of keeping a low profile?

Dennis

Why, that story's a load of bollocks!

I know that, and I bet half of Fleet Street knows that, and in their effort to discredit this story they'll be down here buzzing 'round you like flies 'round a jam jar!

Neville

Well, why don't we just tell 'em we're ordinary gadgys?

[Presses the paper to Neville's chest] Working on my villa, I suppose? Well that's precisely exactly what I'm trying to avoid, my friend!

Neville

Oh. Sorry.

Dennis

Wait a minute, I mean, we can still be ordinary gadgys. Just down here on holiday. We just have to make it look convincing, that's all.

And how do we do that, Dennis?

Dennis

Well, er... you'd better give us the rest of the week off.

Good heavens! Look at this. [Gives the paper to Pauline, who looks at the photo.]

I'm not surprised. [Throws the paper onto the floor.] One only had to look at them.

I sometimes wonder if Worthing wouldn't have been a better idea.

Dennis

Why do I all of a sudden get a dreadful feeling, Nev? Yer kna, like Oz is sticking pins in a Dennis Patterson doll.

[Arrives on the sun terrace with a newspaper. He's very pissed off.] D'you know? Your boys are wasted in the building industry, Dennis! You ought to be organising military coups in a banana republic!

Dennis

What's the matter?

Neville

Has someone been in bother, like?

Oh no, nothing like that, no. They've just spent half an hour slagging off some of the most influential members of Marbella society, of which I am no longer a member!

Aye, well you can whistle 'em all back out now because your true and humble status has been revealed to a grateful nation! [Drops the paper beside Dennis.]

Dennis

Right, first thing in the morn, I'll get them back to work.

No, I've got a better idea, Dennis. Let's have a night shift!

Well, tell [Big] Baz to look for Dennis's mother's house, you check out his friends, his neighbours...

[Exits the bathroom] Can I take the car, Ally?

[To Vicky] Just take whatever you like, just get lost, will ya! [Upset, Vicky takes the car keys and exits the hotel suite as Dennis enters, unknown to Fraser]

Ally... Ally, Dennis is a family man. He has kids here. He's not gonna do a runner with your money. Don't panic!

Don't tell me not to panic, pal! If Dennis is picked up at an airport then it's my nuts that are in the wringer! [Slams the phone down]

Dennis

Good morning!

Where in Jesus' name have you been?

Dennis

Got the first flight out this morning.

Oh, ya did, did ya? What, you had a night out on the town? I've been down at the airport for two hours while you were out doing the strip clubs of Soho!

Dennis

No, no, no, I was detained by two gentlemen of the Customs.

...You were? Did they give you a good going over, Dennis?

Dennis

Oh aye, they certainly did, yeah.

What did they say?

Dennis

Well, er, eventually they said "We're very sorry that you been incovenienced, Mr. Patterson".

[Chuckles] Oh, Dennis... [Pats Dennis on the chest before closing the door to the suite] "Very sorry you've been inconvenienced, Mr. Patterson", that's terrific. [Takes the suitcase and puts it on the coffee table. He opens it... and finds nothing but clothes inside.] Don't fart me around, Dennis!

Dennis

Don't fart you around?! You set me up to bring a bag of undeclared illegal currency out of the country! You put my chopper on the block, pal!

Did they find it?

Dennis

Well if they had, I wouldn't be here, would I?

Oh, I see. So you opened this case before you left home?

Dennis

It's a good job I did, isnit! You must think I'm a right wanker. Look, I knew I wasn't sent back to Newcastle to bring you back some documents! Somethin' heavy's comin' down on you, pal. It couldn't happen to a nicer fella(!)

That slag Vicky's been shouting her mouth off...

Dennis

Just leave Vicky out of this, you brought this on yourself, man!

Where is my money, Dennis?

Dennis

Oh, it's safe, less a few quid I've taken out to bump meself up to club class.

Oh... Dennis, Dennis... The reason I didn't level with you is because I reckon that what the eye doesn't see, the heart doesn't grieve over. I didn't want you going through Customs with the old ticker pounding and the old blood pressure shooting up through the roof.

Dennis

Oh it's nice to know you had my best interests at heart(!)

Dennis, the reason I sent you is a reflection of my trust. [Pours two Scotches] We've worked together for a long time, you and me, eh? A Scotch do ya?

Dennis

Look, I'm about to jack all this in, right? And that 25 grand, that's like my warranty.

Are you laying down terms, Dennis?

Dennis

I am, actually, yeah. First off, you hold the deeds to my wife's house. I'd be obliged if Hallwood sent them back to me bank, right? Secondly, as you're about to become an exile out here, I'm a bit concerned about the lads. I mean, your assets might get tied up for a bit. So that money is guaranteed their full whack, generous bonuses and their air fares back home.

...Anything else?

Dennis

No... Oh yeah, If I see Vicky with so much as a broken fingernail... you'll never see the balance.

I'm gonna be away for a few days, Dennis, so I'm leaving you some signed cheques to take care of those unpaid bills that you mentioned.

Dennis

Oh, you still trust us then, do yer?

Oh, I'd like to use your nuts for golf balls, Dennis, but yes, I still trust you. [Signs the cheques]

Dennis

Aye, well there'll be no crap lyin' around when you get back. We'll clean up the entire area.

Oh, you're nothing if not thorough. Now, about your lads' recompensation...

Dennis

That's all reet. I'll handle that.

Oh?

Dennis

That money of yours I'm holdin'. I'll pay 'em out of that. Salary, overtime, bonuses as agreed. I'll post you an itemised statement accounting for every penny.

And the balance. The balance of my money.

Dennis

Where would you like it?

Oh, it's that simple, is it?

Dennis

Yeah. I've got it, you want it. I await your instructions. [Heads off to go back to work, but stops.] Oh... By the way, I'll be holding back about three grand.

Ah, that's your wee bonus, is it?

Dennis

No, that's the approximate cost of six air tickets back here, plus bed and board.

Sorry, Dennis, I don't follow you there.

Dennis

Ah, well you will in a minute. Just supposin' I'm leavin' the pub one dark night and two of your boneheads decide to take me round the back, right? Or supposing... somebody puts a brick through me ex-wife's window, or puts the frighteners on me girlfriend... or me kids. I'm ganna need that cash, aren't I? So, me an' the lads, we can come back here, take apart everything we've built for you, and then after that... take you apart.

[Lost for words] Oh, Dennis... you know, a bloke like you could've had a job with me for life.