A character in Auf Wiedersehen, Pet
[The lads are caught up as hostages]
Did you see Barry?
Aye
How is he?
Bombed out on opium is how he is.
Aye?
Opium?
Aye, weeeell, opium oot here's like marmite back home, there's a jar in every hoose.
[After the German workers convince Herr Grunwald to reinstate Oz, the lads decide to invite them to the hut for some beers and a game of darts. Bomber and Moxey put a light above the dartboard]
[Plugs the light in] That's it. Perfect. [The light is a bit dim.]
Could've done with a stronger bulb, though.
[Takes a beer from a crate] D'you reckon we've got enough in, Den?
Well if there's not, it's easy enough to get some more, innit?
Aye, ey, they drink a bit, them Jerries! Maybe as much as us!
Listen, Oz, Listen, everybody, it's because of those Jerries that Oz is still here. Don't want anybody forgetting that, right? [Murmurs of agreement] When those German scaffolders turn up tonight, let's all make sure that we have a good night. Agreed? You especially, Oz.
Oh, absolutely.
And this darts match, right, it's not the World Cup, or a replay of World War II. It's just meant to cement the harmony and the goodwill amongst the British and the Erics. Agreed? [Murmurs of agreement] Good.
Mind you, it might only be a darts match, but us British have still got to try and hammer these Germans.
What for?
'Cos they're the bastards that bombed me granny!
It's ten to six, yer kna.
Yes. Yes, it is, yes, Oz.
Yeah, but he was supposed to be here at two o'clock!
Well, maybe his car broke down.
It's not reet!
Well I can think of better things to do than hang around here on a Friday night freezin' me nuts off.
[Dagmar and Ulrich exit the office, their working day done.]
Wiedersehen, Dagmar. Oh, schönes Wochenende. (Goodbye, Dagmar. Have a nice weekend.) [Some of the workers wolf whistle and make suggestive noises at Dagmar as she walks past. Ulrich approaches Oz] What's this? Some kind of British protest meeting?
We want wor wages, don't wa?
It is not my responsibility, it's the agent who pays you.
We know that, we know that, we just don't know where he is, man.
This is your business, it is not mine.
Oh well that's alright, but if we don't get paid, we just don't come to work next week, alreet?
Well, then I send for more out-of-work Engländers. [He gets in his car.]
We'll get no joy out of him, y'know. [Ulrich drives away, but not before Magowan furiously slams his hand on the roof of the car.]
[Entering the hut] Hey, yer seen them lunatics standin' out there, eh? As if that's ganna make him turn up any faster, y'know what I mean, eh!
Mind, Mr. Pfister's never usually this late, Dennis. I like to get to the post office on a Friday night, that way Brenda gets her money first thing Monday morning. [Moxey pulls the towel all the way over his head and over the bowl.]
Ey, there's no panic, man. I mean, yer kna, Don't forget... [Lights his cigarette] This bloke, he must cover, what, fifteen sites in a day, y'know. He could've got held up, had a puncture, yer kna, anything.#
Suppose so.
[Lifts up his towel] It's like what Bomber told us the other day... [sniffs] ...there were thirty other Brits, y'know, when he was workin' in Essen a year ago waiting for their money. The agent never turned up at all.
How come?
[Pulls the towel back over the bowl and coughs before pulling the towel back] Well, it turns out... he'd legged it to Hamburg. Left his wife, took all their money and some young Fräulein, y'know, from the a-architect's office. [Coughs and covers his head again.]
Well, I've had enough of this. I mean, there's no point in standin' here like spare pricks at a wedding, is there? I mean, he knows where we live, doesn'he? [Turns and heads back to the hut]
You're right. Might as well get back and put the kettle on, eh? [Also turns and leaves]
Ah well, can't keep a nice young Fräulein waiting, I'd better wash me barnet, eh? [Turns and leaves. Barry follows suit.]
[Brandishing a hosepipe connected to a gravel suction pump] Well I'm gonna wait it out. Y'know what I'm gonna do when he does turn up?
Pardon?
I'm gonna connect 'im to this hosepipe there and I'm gonna blow gravel right up his jacksie.
Ah, yes, that is one approach, Magowan, yeah. On the other hand, you could always take a hard line though(!) [Magowan throws down the hosepipe and glares menacingly at Barry, who promptly backs away and heads with the others to the hut.]
Morning, campers! Rise and shine!
[Waking up] Oz?!
Well, it's not the Duke of Edinburgh, is it?
[Waking up] I was fast asleep...
Howay, Dennis, man! G'mornin'! Work to be done!
[Throws his bed covers off] Why din' ya pack it in, man!
I'm back, man.
Thought you'd gone for good.
Nah, yer can't get rid of me that easy, mate.
[Waking up] Oh, I'm dreamin' and havin' a nightmare, Oz has come back!
Aye, certainly.
Where'd you spring from, then?
Been back home, havven' I? Cadged a lift back home with the lads after the match. Well, why not, you know? Go back home, have a couple of pints with the lads in The Crow, see the wife...
Oh, you saw her did yer?
Certainly. While I was back, I might as well sort her out.
Aye, I heard you'd been back home.
How's that, like?
I was talkin' to Brenda, she told us.
Ah well look, from now on, we'll just keep the wives' mafia out of our affairs, shall wa? 'Cos one of the good things is Marjorie doesn't know I'm in Dusseldorf. In fact, as far as she's concerned, it's the last place she'll think of lookin' for us! I'm not here, me, I'm the Invisible Man! [Checks his belongings]
Well I can't think of anyone less invisible than you, Oz!
...Hey, where's me stereo?
Oh, I've got that, Oz.
Well ask next time, eh?
No, it's.. it's mine now.
What?!
Yeah, I sort of bought it.
Nae ya didn't!
Er, I think an explanation is in order. Err, Dennis...
[To Dennis] Yer, well?
Well, Oz, it's, er... like this. Us lads, like, we thought we'd seen the last of you, yer kna. Thought you'd gone for good. So we said to worselves, "What shall we do with his stuff?"
So what did you do with it?
Well, we went through your locker, you know, thinkin' you'd need the money. [Oz checks his locker] And the only things we found of any value were your donkey jacket, your digital clock and your stereo.
And they're gone an' all! Where are they?
Well, eh, we had an auction, Oz.
An auction?!
It was a democratic decision. I've got the digital clock.
I got the jacket.
And, er, I got the stereo.
[Looks round] What a bloody nerve!
No, wait a minute! Look, we weren't selling you short. I mean, we raised 230 quid! That plus yer three days wages came to nearly £400!
[Flabbergasted] Oh that's not so bad, 'cos I can borrow a bit to get back! [To Wayne, pointing at the stereo] I'm buyin' that straight back, mate! [To the others] Where's me money?
Er... Well, the thing is, Oz, thinking you'd need the money, like, yer kna, we, er... sent it home.
Home?! But I'm here, man! What's ganna happen to it?
[Smirking] Well, I think your wife'll find a use for it!
[Torrential rain has brought all work on the site to a halt. In the hut, Barry writes a letter, while Wayne, Neville, Bomber and Oz play pontoon with a pack of lewd playing cards. Moxey is in bed with the flu.]
[Looks outside] It's like a bleedin' quagmire out there, innit? [To Moxey] Reckon we'll be laid off?
[All stuffed up] Suits me. I'm not well. [Sneezes into a hankie.]
Still ploatin' doon, isn'it?
"Ploatin' doon"? An' what's that supposed to mean, then?
Yer kna... hoyin' it doon, man. Cats and dogs. It's pissin' down, isn'it?
At least that's English. It's easier to learn German than understand Geordie.
Look, are we playing cards or what?
It comes from the French - "pleut". [Wayne rolls his eyes.] So, to "pleut" means "to rain" in French. At least, I think it does.
Yeah, well you're an educated man you are, Nev. O-Level in woodwork. Can't argue with that, can we(?) [Neville gives Wayne the two-fingered salute.] Do you wanna twist or buy?
Nah, I'll stick with these, thanks.
[One of the Turks enters the hut to bring fuel for the stove. He leaves the door open.]
[To the Turk] Door!
I'll stick. [Gets up to shut the door.]
Brought up in a t-tent you were, Ayatollah!
Oh, leave the lad alone, we needs the warmth. [Shuts the door.]
Right, er, twist us a seven. [Wayne deals a card] Nine. Perfect(!) [He's bust, he throws his cards to the table.]
[Turns over his cards] Eighteen, pay nineteens.
[As he and Bomber throw their cards down] Can you believe his luck?
[Noticing the Turk standing by the stove with the wood in a bucket] Just leave it down there, Ayatollah. We'll manage it. Just get out. [The Turk sets the bucket down and starts observing the game.]
Pleuvoir - to rain.
If I'd known I was going to be put in with you lot, I'd have taken a bloody language course! I'd have gone to that place in Oxford Street, you know? The Berlitz School, and taken elementary Geordie for beginners! :[The Turk takes a keen interest in Neville's cards.]
Hey, Ayatollah! That's all right. Sling yer hook. Get out! [The Turk finally takes the hint and leaves.]
Look at these cards. I must have killed a Chinaman.
A lot of Geordie derives from Denmark. Scandinavia. 'Cos of the Vikings, see? They came over our way first.
Well, they still do, don't they? They shop at Marks & Sparks!
[Meanwhile, Dennis is in the site office. Herr Ulrich enters.]
Ja?
Er, just checking, Herr Ulrich, the lads were wondering what the possibility is of resuming work.
[Taking off his raincoat] Very small. The forecast is continual bad.
Well, we don't mind working the weekend, yer kna, to make up for it.
No, it's not popular with the German workers.
Well, can I just clarify one thing? I mean, we still get paid, don't we? I mean, the weather, that's not down to us, is it?
Well, the weather's very English, I think.
Yeah, but we'd still get paid in England.
Ja, but in Germany, you're self-employed. No work, no pay.
Well when I read the contract, it didn't read like that to me.
No? Please, read the small print.
Blimey! What's this? [Picks up a bank note off the floor.] Who's dropped this? Look. Is this yours, then? [Passes the note to Bomber]
Oh-ho, I wish it was, boyo! [Passes it to Dennis]
It's 100 Marks! Hey, somebody's flush [Passes it to Wayne]
Or bleedin' careless. [Passes it to Moxey]
Let's have a look. [Does so, then passes it to Neville] 100 Deutschmarks.
100 Alfreds? That's worth about twenty-five quid, ah. [The lads drunkenly giggle, but no-one owns up to dropping the money. Neville leaves the 100 Mark note on the table]
Hey, close the door, will ya? It's worse than the bloody Arctic! [Wayne goes to close the door, but as he does, Oz grabs hold of his wrist.]
Got 'im!
You naffin' lunatic! What's goin' on?
Look at this! [Holding up Wayne's hand, covered in green stains]
What are you on about? [The others wake up]
I've caught the thief.
[Breaks free from Oz's grasp] You lunatic!
What's goin' on?
Look, last night I coated this note with this special stuff, right? Dennis knows what I'm talkin' about. The next day it stains your fingers, right? [Grabs Wayne's hand and holds it up again] Look at the evidence!
What are you on about?
I doctored this note, didn't I?
But the note's over there, ain't it? [Points to the 100 Mark note still on the table. The Turk also notices.]
[Looking at his stained hands] Hey, what's this?
[Looking at his hands too] I've got it as well.
[Also examining his hands] Eurgh!
Hey, does this come out? [While all the lads are checking their hands, the Turk - the real culprit - takes the 100 Mark note from the table, completely unnoticed by the lads, and exits the hut.]
[Looking at his hands, as is Bomber] Oh, no.
I don't get this.
You daft..!
Does this come off? I've got a tattoo on me arm I don't want, and now I've got green fingers! [Oz just looks confused.]
Aye, there they go. Off to their nice comfortable homes.
Aye. They'll have a big tea waiting for 'em, a glass of foaming beer, slippers warming by the fire.
Yeah, then it's feet up in front of Coronation Straße and a quick bit of the ol' leg over on the settee.
Is that all you think about, Wayne? Turking?
Only when I'm awake, Moxey. At night, when I'm dreaming, I think of carpentry, don't I(?)
Right, what's it ganna be tonight, boys, then? A nice bit of gourmet cooking out the hut then a couple of gallons of beer at the club?
That's a good idea, Oz, we haven't done that for, er, twenty-four hours(!)
Actually, Dennis has hit on a very serious point here, y'know. I've been reading this book recently about health food, see, and I reckon our dietary habits leave a lot to be desired, I do, mate. Especially from the point of view of roughage.
[Turns to Barry] What's roughage?
Roughage?
[Notices Dennis laughing] What's the matter wi' you?
Look, if your bowels were Jericho, roughage would be a trumpet. [Dennis and Wayne laugh.]
Oh! Senna pods, like?
Well... not quite, no. I'm thinkin' more on the lines of bran, or er... you know, a nice vegetable curry.
Oh.
Aye. It's a pity we're in Germany, Barry. Still, 'ey, you could nip out to Bradford for a takeaway.
Oh, yeah.
[Calling out to Bomber] Herr Busbridge? Come, please. Telephone.
For me?!
Go on, Bomber. It's probably Littlewoods, you've won the jackpot.
Not with my luck, I ain't. Get my money, will you, Nev?
Aye, sure.
Hey, Bomber! Do Barry a favour, ask Ulrich if he knows of any Indian restaurants. [Bomber follows Herr Ulrich into the site office.]
Ah. There. [Points to a phone off the hook.] I will leave you alone, it's your wife.
My wife?! [Picks up the receiver] Hello, Patsy? What's the matter, girl?
You see, fellas, the thing about Indian food is, right, that it's very, very, very low in carbohydrate. So that, combined with the various herbs and spices used in the cooking process, it all makes up for a very, very healthy diet, you see?
[Holding a stein of beer] Oh, aye? So how come they're all so skinny, then?
They're not skinny. They're wiry, man, like whippets.
[To Oz, pointing at his stomach] Yeah, that's what you'd be like you'd be without that ale gut.
[Glances at his beer belly] Hey, hey! This is all muscle, this, son. Yer kna, like the stuff between your lugs? [The second waiter arrives with their meal.] Ah, here we go! Four steamin' hot chicken curries!
Oz, er, far be it from me to cast aspersions on your undoubted talent as a mime artist, but, er... that's not chicken. It's prawn. [Picks up a prawn]
Prawn?!
Ah, yer kna, man. Prawn. [Squawks like a chicken and flaps his elbows. Moxey laughs]
[To Moxey] What are ye laughin' at?
Right, lads! I reckon we should go down the club.
Eh, hold on! What are we gonna do about Tracy, eh? We can't take her down the club! Apart from six geezers and one bird, lookin' a bit dodgy, mate! She can probably drink us right under the table!
I know, and that's exactly, why you're gonna stay here and look after her.
ME?!
Wayne?!
Yes, Wayne. Look man, you've got much more in common with her than anybody else. I mean things like, er, music.. and hair... earrings...
Hold on, Dennis. I don't mean to be rude, but is Wayne really the right bloke to be babysitting a sixteen-year-old girl?
Yeah, it'll be like putting the rat in charge of the cheese larder!
I don't know whether or not to be flattered or insulted by you lot!
Look man, I can't do it, can I? I'm old enough to be her father. I mean, Neville, he'd be the obvious choice, but he's going out again, isn't he? I mean... Barry and Moxey would bore the poor girl to death with their herb talk, wouldn't they, eh? And guarding a bog door's about the limit of Oz's responsibility! So that just leaves you, son!
Yeah, well I can see your reasoning, Den, but look, you can't have helped but notice that Tracy's a bit of a... you know, she's a little bit of a come-on, isn't she?
Yes, I know! And who better to cope with her than a man of the world like you, Wayne, eh?
I've got it. It's like them American TV films in there, you know? Where they get an ex-con to go after with the bad guys. 'Cos he's the one who knows how they think.
Moxey, you've just hit the nail on the head, son!
Oh, well thank you for that tribute, Moxey(!) ...So you all trust me then, is that it?
Course we trust you. Look, I mean... You know that she's Bomber's daughter, don't you?
Yeah...
And you know that we've put our complete trust and faith in you? And you know that, er, if you lay so much as one finger on her, we'll have your plums on a skewer.
Guten Abend.
Oh, table for seven... [Holds up six fingers and a thumb] Seven, eh?
Seven. Moment. Ich hole... (I get...) [Goes off.]
Just pull the tables together, man. [He pulls two tables together and they all take their seats.]
[To Bomber] Just like that one in Taunton, isn't it, dad?
Very nice. Very nice.
[To Moxey] Hey, I tell you what, we should get Barry a vindaloo, eh? That'll get him back on the old beer.
Get 'im back on the portaloo an' all! [They all laugh. Except Barry.]
Ha-ha. Very funny(!)
Right, listen, Oz, I'll handle it this time, okay? We don't want your Give Us a Clue routine upsetting the waiter. All right, Lionel?
All right. All right. Well, let's get him out. [Calls out] Hey, Sabu! [A waiter enters... it's Neville!] Bloody hell, it's Clive of India! [Everyone turns and looks at Neville]
Whoa! I've heard of the northwest frontier, but never the northeast!
[Laughs] That's what you've been doing, eh? Starring in Aladdin!
[Not amused] Aye, aye. Go on. Get 'em all over with!
Oh, I should think we've only just started, boyo. [They laugh.]
[Singing] Oh doctor, I'm in trouble...
Goodness gracious me!
[Angry] That's right! Aye, have a good laugh! Just 'cos I show a bit of initiative and get meself a part-time job!
What on earth is Brenda saving for to reduce you to this, eh?
Well, if you must know, it's our fifth wedding anniversary later this year. I thought it'd be nice if we had a second honeymoon.
Dressed like that, eh? Lovely?
Give it a rest, Wayne, man, will yer?
So where were you thinkin' of goin'? New Delhi?
Dunno. Probably the same as the first time - Minorca.
I still dunno where Minorca is.
How do you think I feel? Neither do I!
How much do ya need, then?
That's just it, I've nearly got enough, Dennis. I'm just seein' out the week. I never thought you lot would find out.
Well, I tell you what, you get the order right tonight, we'll all put a good tip in, won't we, lads?
Oh aye, aye, aye. Now that we've got that... [Cracks up] ...Now that we've got that sorted out, can we have a bit of service, Gunga Din?
[Laugh. Then they start singing again as Neville gives them their menus] It goes boom diddy, boom diddy, boom diddy, boom diddy, boom diddy, boom diddy, boom boom boom!
[Shouts out as Neville makes for the kitchen] New lamps for old! New lamps for old!
Hey! Neville! Have they got any, er, chicken? [Squawks and flaps his elbows as a humiliated Neville retreats into the kitchen]
Bauer's right. It's full of holes. Look! According to this police report, they saw this girl, this Bettina, near the street where she lives. The patrol car spotted her, noticed she was in distress, but she ran away. They followed her on foot and caught up with her.
So what exactly is the point?
Look, she ran away, right? She didn't report it. She didn't go to the police or register a complaint or whatever they call it.
Right. so when she sees the law, does a runner.
Absolutely.
Hmmm... but see, the prosecution might argue that the girl evaded the police because she didn't want the aggro, like. Oz, you see, most rape cases, they don't get reported, you know, because the victim don't want the stigma.
Oh, aye?
Yeah, fair enough, Barry, fair enough. But the other alternative is, she was, er... trying to protect somebody.
The boyfriend!
Boyfriend?
The bloke she was with in the bar.
There were shaggy-haired louts round her.
Ah! Nev's right. There was, there was one bloke in particular, right. She was having a right ding-dong with him, right? He looked very beady when Nev went off with her.
[Turns to Neville] Ah, that's why she tried to pull you, then. To get up the other geezer's nose.
You mean it weren't Nev's irresistible charm? [Oz and Bomber chuckle]
Well... listen, I get friends. We find these... who you look for.
[Gets up] That's more like it! Let's find the bastards and give 'em a good...
No, I think...
Aye, I think so!
You just stay put, Oz!
[Stands up in front of Oz] Pipe down, prannet! [Oz sits back down again.]
We know the bars, speak language. Ask questions.
You need someone to identify them.
[Gets up] You and me go, Bomb. We'll know them.
Right, by Jove. [He, Barry and Helmut leave the hut]
I think they had a jeep.
I'll make some coffee. [Gets up.]
[To Bomber, Barry and Helmut] Good luck, lads!
I'm going for a shower. Fancy a couple of jars later, Nev?
Right. You're on, Wayne. [Wayne leaves. Neville turns to Dennis] A thing like this really lets you know who your friends are, eh?
You're right there, it does that. Listen, er... there's something I've got to tell you.
[Gets up again] Look, I'd better get over the bar as well. I'll see you later, lads! [Oz makes a hasty exit.]
...What?
Brenda. She's coming over.
What?!
She knows all about it.
How did she find out?
You didn't ring on Monday, yer see. She panicked, she rang the site... Oz was passing, like.
[Gets up, annoyed.] Oz! I might have bloody known!
Look, it wasn't entirely Oz's fault, Neville! Yer know, I mean, he was caught on the spot. I mean, he couldn't explain why you weren't available without her thinking you were ill or something. Anyway, I rang her straight back. But she was adamant. Anyway, she missed today's flight, but she'll be over first thing in the morning.
They should've kept me inside.
What for, bonny lad?
'Cos I'm gonna kill Oz!
Where have the lads gone?
[Drying his hair] Swimming. Can you believe, hey?
Ahh, that's a good idea.
Why?
Well, it's exercise, innit?
It's madness, son. Madness!
No it's not.
That Nev, he's into all them health things, isn't he?
Yeah. Tried to get me jogging the other week. I says, "No way." Told him what happened to my brother-in-law.
What did happen?
Well, he's into all that, in't he? You know, running, weights, calis-bleeding-thenics, whatever they call it. Mind you, you gotta bear in mind that bloke's a bit of a nutter, otherwise he wouldn't have married my sister, would he?
I don't know your sister, do I?
Nah, you're well out of there, ain't ya, son? Anyhow, he goes jogging every weekend, don't he? He's got all the gear and that, you know, the Adidas tracksuit, headband. So I says to 'im, I says, "You'll do yourself an injury, you will". I was right, weren't I?
How'd you mean?
Well, he only tries to jog across the red light at Catford Roundabout, don't he? Got hit by a juggernaut bound for the A2 to Dover. Laugh? I nearly bought me own beer!
Good morning, Dennis. And where have you been, eh? [Dennis walks past, staring angrily at Wayne and Barry] Or maybe we shouldn't ask.
Aye. Maybe you shouldn't. Not that it'd make any difference, like. I mean, news spreads faster than the plague around here.
What's the problem, like?
[Points to Wayne and Barry] Well, ask Abbott and Costello here.
Come on, Den. We was all after the same thing last night, weren't we? I'd say you were a bit more successful than what we was, eh?
Yeah. Look at my ankle. It's all puffed up.
[Whacks Barry's ankle. Barry winces in pain.] I know all about you two, man! I spent an hour in the manager's office explaining who me guests were.
Oh dear. D'you mean there... d'you mean there were repercussions?
Aye, you could say that, Barry. I mean, it was you two who terrorised some innocent couple, wasn'it?
You didn't finger us, did you?
No, no. Said you were two blokes I'd met in the bar. [Points his finger in Wayne's face] But in future, you just stay out my life, right? [Grabs his washbag and towel, and leaves for the bathroom cabin.]
Is there something you two haven't told me?
Howay, Moxey, man! [Kicks the cubicle door] Hurry yersel' up! The amount of time you spend in there I'm surprised you don't move in!
Hey, I'm not doin' this for pleasure y'know, Oz. It's the bloody sauerkraut! [Dennis enters the cabin]
How, Den.
Is somebody in there? [Kicks the cubicle door]
Aye. Moxey. Put yer name doon for about Tuesday.
I've gotta get out of here, man.
[At the urinal] What's the matter, like?
Well those two pricks, man, Barry and Wayne, totally destroyed my weekend!
Aye, well, I didn't do their weekend much good, me, like.
How's that?
Well, I'll tell yer all aboot it. This'll cheer ya up...
[Furiously] DID WHAT?! [Chases Oz out of the cabin]
[Running away] Dennis, what's got into you, man? [Runs away while Dennis gives chase. The toilet flushes and Moxey steps out of the cabin.]
[Calling out] It's f-free now!
There's a river near where I live that's as good a stretch of salmon fishing as any. Not that I'm allowed to fish it. Toffs bought all the rights. But that doesn't stop ol' Bomber!
I'm glad we came, aren't you?
I'm glad I got here, mate. I nearly took a wrong road at Siegen.
It's just so... I dunno, different. It's like I'm seein' the real Germany.
Right, well you know, if you're gonna broaden our horizons, Nev, we've gotta escape from the confines of our professional situation.
Aye, that's what I'm always saying. Well, words to that effect.
Right. That's Oz's problem, you see, Nev. He's got no desire to educate himself, has he? [Neville shakes his head] Or acquire a knowledge of the outside world.
You're right.
Elaine Surtees was just the same.
Who?
That, er... that girl I was telling you about, you know?
Oh, aye. Droitwich. The moustache.
Right, right, yeah. As you say. D'you know, the height of her ambition, Neville, was a semi in Codsall, right, and two weeks in the year in Magaluf. Nah, she... she would have stifled me, Neville.
Aye, I'll bet.
There's no salmon fishing where I come from, y'know. I fished a canal once, though. Caught a plimsoll and a couple of contraceptives.
Good evening. I think you need more pils?
Oh, aye! Bring 'em over!
My shout. What do you want?
I'll have a pils. [Bomber points to his glass]
Pils, please. [The landlord asks for a word with Dennis]
You need more, erm... I must get another... [He can't think of the word.]
Crates? Crates, mate.
Crates! Yes, crate.
Are we getting through 'em that fast, are we?
That's good drinking, yes?
Cheers.
I'll bring it. [Heads to the back. Dennis joins the others, continuing the song]
[To Neville] Are you glad you came, son?
Aye, certainly. Brilliant, man.
Hey, Den, Den, Den! I was just saying... just saying to Neville it broadens the horizons, don't it?
It's a funny thing, though.
What is?
I kind of miss old Oz.
Hör mal! Das ist nicht ein Motorrad. (Hold up! That's not your motorbike!) [The figure runs off.] Halt! Komm mal her! (Stop! Come back here!)
Gentlemen! Gentlemen, I think someone try to steal the motorbike.
[Stands up, as does Dennis] What?!
It is there.
Did you see who it was?
No, he... he disappeared.
Ah, you never left the key in, did you, Barry?
Yeah... [The lads shout at Barry]
That's asking for it, wasn't it?
I didn't think there'd be any trouble like that 'round here, did I?
That's real fresh air that, Neville.
Isn't it, eh?
I need that after last night's beer.
I hope you're keeping a tab on everything, Dennis.
Tab?
Yeah. You know? Share all expenses, in't we? Even stevens, like. Hotel bills, hire of the rods, grub, you know. Stuff like that.
[Stops in front of Barry] Barry, d'you ever leave off, eh?
Look, Dennis, somebody's got to think of these things in the absence of an elected leader, you know, haven't they?
[Walks on] Aye.
Cor...
Mornin'.
Mornin'! [Colin gets up. He's freezing.]
Are you still here, lad?
I... I couldn't get a lift, so I kipped down.
Well, why didn't you stay with us? You could've stayed in the village.
...No, well I've been camping, y'see.
Well, a bedroll don't take up much room, do it?
You've been sleepin' rough, haven't you?
Just last night, that's all.
When did you last eat?
I'll be okay, honest. I'm all right. [Starts to walk off.]
He's freezin', Den.
[To Colin] Listen. We're stayin' at a place in the village.
Yeah, I know where.
Right. There's my room key. Get yoursel' back there, have a hot bath, get yerself summat to eat, then have a good kip.
Are you sure?
Go on, before you catch pneumonia.
[Takes the key] Cheers. Thanks very much. [Walks off towards town.]
C'mon, lads, we've got some fishin' to do!
DennisTim Healy · 170 quotes
OzJimmy Nail · 169 quotes
NevilleKevin Whately · 139 quotes
BarryTimothy Spall · 101 quotes
WayneGary Holton · 100 quotes
BomberPat Roach · 94 quotes
WymanNoel Clarke · 13 quotes
DDagmarBrigitte Kahn · 12 quotes
FFraser12 quotes
BrendaJulia Tobin · 11 quotes
GGrunwald9 quotes
PPringle7 quotes
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Auf Wiedersehen, Pet pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
Auf Wiedersehen, Pet · 320 quotes
