Hello, pet. [Enters the room. Brenda closes the door.]
BrendaOh, Dennis!
[Hugs Brenda] I know, I know! There's no need to fret. It's all over with. He's a free man.
Brenda
What?
Well, he's concluding formalities, but all charges are dropped. They got the other bloke.
Brenda
Honest?
Don't look surprised! You don't think Neville did it, did ya?
Brenda
No, of course not.
[Sits on the bed] Oh, hey, some of our German friends, they found the bloke and turned him in. I think they extracted their own confession. He didn't look to healthy!
Brenda
[Sits next to Dennis] Well, what exactly happened, then?
Well, er... this bloke, you see, he was like the boyfriend. Well, he got the needle when he saw...
Brenda
Neville take her home.
Well he [her boyfriend] beat her up, you see. Then the police saw her condition and she fingered Nev.
Brenda
He did take her home, didn't he?
Look, Brenda, the point is...
Brenda
That is the point, Dennis! Of course I knew that Neville didn't do the things they said he did. But he took that girl home! He went with her!
He didn't! Look, she imposed herself on him. She shared his cab. [Brenda stands up to put her coat in the wardrobe] Look, you know young Neville, he's so polite he'd give Hitler a ride! You're gonna make me very angry, Brenda.
Brenda
I what?
If you can't see how much that lad cares for you, you're a very silly lass! He cares so much it hurts! It hurts him to be away from home. It hurts every minute he has to spend over here, sacrificing everything he wants, so that you can enjoy something better in the future. Look, he's the only bugger in Germany who isn't on the pull!
Brenda
You're his friend!
And you're his wife, and you don't seem to know that lad as well as I do! Look, the reason he got into trouble is because he didn't go with the girl! If he'd been like the rest of us he'd have gone, oh aye, he'd have done the business, she'd have been content. Nobody would have been none the wiser! But he's not like the rest of us. He gave her the elbow! She got vindictive. He didn't want to know. That's what happened!
Brenda
...I suppose so.
...Look, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to... sound off at you like that. It's just... well you two, you've got a marvellous marriage. And I appreciate that more than most because mine's down the toilet.
Brenda
Oh, you're right, Dennis! Well, what happens now?
Well let's go and fetch the lad, eh?
Brenda
No, Neville. Not here.
Brenda
It's not the right place.
In our bed? In our house? At night? Where would you rather do it, at the squash club?
Brenda
Wayne's here.
Well, what's that gotta do with Wayne?
Brenda
I'm not doin' it with him here in the house.
Brenda
Because he'll hear wor.
Brenda
We can hear him gargling so he'll certainly hear us... well, he can hear wor.
If you'd mentioned this last night, I certainly wouldn't have asked him to stay.
Brenda
You should have thought it through! Oh, Neville, it's just too inhibitin'.
You never used to say that before we were married, when I used to come round your parents' place.
Brenda
That was different. My parents went to bed very early. They were sound sleepers, and you used to have Match of the Day on at full volume. And you used to watch it!
Wayne'll not be asleep, man. That Sony Walkman never leaves his ears. I mean how's he ganna hear us with Twisted Sister blastin' into his brain cells?
Brenda
He might.
He'll not, man. It's not like we're noisy, Bren. It's not as if you're a screamer.
Brenda
What?!
...Well, it's not like you're one of them frenzied females you hear about, yer kna, that scream and shout and bark.
Brenda
[Loudly] Bark?! D'yer want us to bark?!
Sssh, man, Brenda! Wayne'll hear us!
...No. I can't give you a number, I'm in the north of England, aren't I? ...Look, if this Spanish job comes up, I'll be away, so I just thought maybe we should get together and... [Fraught] Alright, if you can't, you can't, okay? Give me love to your folks(!) [Puts the phone down and follows Brenda into the kitchen.]
Brenda
Hello, Wayne. Did Neville get you some lunch?
Yeah, shared some cottage pie with Debbie.
Brenda
Where is Neville? [Fills a kettle]
Taken her down the park. She's a lovely kid, eh?
Brenda
Yeah. Fancy some tea?
If you're making some. Here, look. [Tosses some money onto the worktop.] I used the phone, that should cover it.
Brenda
I'm sure that's too much, Wayne.
Well, I did rabbit on a bit, and it was to Germany.
Brenda
Phoning your wife, are ya? Neville said she was in Germany. She visiting her family?
Brenda
Fancy some toast? I'm starving.
[Sits at the kitchen table] Well actually, Christa isn't visiting her parents... she's gone back there. She's pregnant.
Brenda
That's wonderful!
No it ain't. She's not sure whether she wants to have it, but, she is sure she don't wanna stay with me. [Brenda comes to the kitchen table and sits down.] I blew it, Brenda. See... I really wanted to be married to her, you know, but... I guess I'm just too immature to be married.
Brenda
Other women?
Yeah. Look, the point of loving someone is to prove it to 'em, right? Which means giving all the rest of the birds the elbow, not responding to every bit of skirt that passes you in the street, not being tempted by and bird that flashes you in the boozer, you know. I mean... I wanted it both ways, and... that's out of order, isn't it?
Brenda
I'm afraid it is, Wayne.
'Ere, look, don't tell Neville about this, eh? I don't want the lads to find out. You're the only woman I've told about this apart from Hazel.
Brenda
Is Hazel one of the other women?
No. No, Hazel, Barry's fiancée Hazel.
Brenda
Oh, Hazel! Yes, sorry.
[Laughs.] It's funny, innit? I find it so much easier talking to birds about this than fellas. Suppose that's the old ego, eh?
Brenda
You know, Wayne, if you tell Christa what you told me and Hazel, well that might make all the difference in the world.
Nah, it wouldn't. Not unless I changed, and I can't see that happening, love. I mean, basically I want every woman there is in the world. Present company excluded, of course!
Brenda
[Not knowing whether to be complimented or insulted] Oh, thanks very much!
Oh, no, no! Not that I don't find you attractive... No, I mean, I wouldn't do it with a mate's bird, nah... Not that I wouldn't want to... 'Cos, if you know what I mean with me mate... and you're very... so we could... [Brenda chuckles to herself as Wayne gets more flustered. The toast pops.]
Brenda
[Getting up to see to the toast] I think I understand, Wayne! It's not uncommon in men of your age. You seem to feel... you need to prove that your sexual magnetism still works.
Yeah, yeah, I suppose that's it then, eh?
Brenda
Jam or Marmite?
Yer do things on the spur of the moment, Oz, without ever thinking them through. I mean, where were you gonna take the lad, eh?
Well I wasn't gonna hang on to him, man, I only wanted twenty four hours with him, to find out how he feels aboot this trip abroad, man. Find oot how he felt about this Sandro gadgy. And she wouldn't let us anywhere near the bairn, so I had to dae what I did, didn't I?
Well she'll be even less disposed to let you see him now.
Ah, so you met the Italian in question, did you?
Aye, yes, we exchanged one or two words, yes.
Brenda
What sort of person did he seem then, Oz?
Well, he seemed perfectly affable and pleasant and polite, but I mean ye cannae gan on that, can yer? He's a waiter, he's trained to be.
Oh come off it, Oz. You said in the car that he was a nice enough sort of bloke.
Aye, but them were first impressions, weren't they? He's gotta be a bit micey if he wants to lob up with my Marjorie!
Brenda
[Holding a couple of mugs] Shall I do another pot? [Everyone murmurs in agreement]
Brenda
No, I'll do it, pet. [Exits into the kitchen]
So, when do they leave, then?
If you ask me... just in my opinion, like... I think living in Italy might benefit the lad. I mean, he'd had the climate, when he comes back he'll be bilingual, a wonderful advantage. I only spent one night in this area and I'll tell you it was a bleeding terrifying experience!
Yer can't judge a place on one night, man!
[Overlapping with Dennis] What's wrong with this place? We've all seen Wolverhampton, it's not exactly Beverly Hills, is it?
Here we are. [Places the mugs into the sink.]
Brenda
Ah, you didn't need to do that. I'd have seen to it.
That's all right. Just glad to get out of the smoke. [Picks up a tea towel and starts drying up]
Brenda
Oh, you've not left your wife, have you, and run off with a sailor?
[Smiles] If you do, you'll be the first to know.
Brenda
Honestly, it's been like Heartbreak Hotel here this week, I'm thinking of leaving me job at the hospital and taking up marriage guidance!
Well, we'll be off in a couple of days and you can get some peace and quiet.
[Enters the kitchen] Brenda?
Brenda
The kettle's not ready yet, pet.
No, could you come and have a word with the lads, please? [Brenda takes off her gloves and goes into the living room. Bomber takes over doing the dishes.]
Brenda, er... We're all agreee we think Oz has got a case here. I mean, we think that he should see his young lad before he's whisked off to a foreign country.
Brenda
Oh, I quite agree, Dennis.
The main problem is the situation with Marjorie is... delicate, to say the least. I mean she has to understand that Oz seeing his son won't be a threat to her. I mean, that's only right and proper.
Brenda
Uh-huh...
So, er, we thought the best way to convince her would be, erm... if you had a word with her.
Brenda
Hello, Wayne. Are you all on your own?
Yeah. Lads have gone down the pub. Said I'd babysit.
Brenda
That's nice of you.
I didn't fancy it. And, er... I wanted to speak to Christa, you know, sort of privately, like. Here. [Reaches into his pocket and pulls out some money and puts it on the coffee table.]
Brenda
I'm sure that's too much, Wayne. It's cheap rate after all.
Yeah, but there was, er... quite a lot of heavy dialogue tonight.
Brenda
Oh dear... Look, there's some Cointreau on that sideboard over there. Why don't you pour wor both one, eh? [He does so.] So, she come to a decision, yet?
Yep. She's gonna have the baby.
Brenda
Oh, that's a relief. I am glad.
But... she ain't gonna have me back. [Brings the drinks over] So, the good news is I'm gonna have a kid by the woman I love. And the bad news is I'll probably never get to see it.
Brenda
It's ironic, isn't it? You and Oz have similar problems.
How'd you get on with Marjorie?
Brenda
Well, she's agreed to let him see the boy. Took two bottles of Chianti, though!
You're a marvel you are, Brenda. Here, you don't fancy popping over to Dusseldorf, do ya? Doing the business on Christa, eh?
RRussell
Party of ten for Swallow Tours. Are you all here? Let me have your tickets and passports, and we'll get you checked through.
Want a Playboy for your Neville?
Brenda
I'm not getting that, it's disgusting!
[Laughs] Cosmo? Ooh, I'll have that after you.
Brenda
Listen, pass us down the Nursing News. There's a really good article about... [The rest of their conversation is drowned out by the airport tannoy, and they pick magazines.]
AAAirport Announcer
Passengers for Flight 213 to Málaga to Gateway 2, please.
[To Debbie] I think it's very noble of your dad to bring you and your mum along, you know? 'Cos it'll keep him out of mischief! Listen, d'you know why? Because we're going to be sampling all that pulchritude down there. [Laughs.]
There'll not be much of that, man. The tourist season's well finished.
There'll be enough, divvn't you worry. Anyway, with a bit of luck, we'll have sorted summat out before we land.
'Ere! Are you trying to tell me, right, that on this charter tour, there ain't gonna be a surplus of salesgirls, secretaries, hairdressers, the lot, eh? I tell you, we'll be well locked off before we've even landed, son!
RRussell
[At the check-in line] Check-in over here, Mr. Patterson. [The group join the check-in line. In front of them is a large group of pensioners.]
Hold on, what's all this lot, then?
RRussell
It's the Spennymoor & District Senior Citizens Society. They go every year. You were lucky to get those seats! [Wayne's face falls.]
I wouldn't waste any time, Wayne. I'd steam in now! [Cockney accent] Get it all locked off, son! [Laughs.]
What was it Fraser said aboot us coming doon here? He was sendin' a team doon to help the British unemployed. Ho, ho, what a lot of bollocks! [Takes a swig of a bottle of beer.] It's obvious we're here 'cos there's not a building worker available from Malaga to Gib!
I never saw so much building in all my life!
It's a brickie's paradise!
Brenda
Mind, I think it's ruined the view.
Aye, but think of all the lads they're employing, man. They must all be millionaires.
Y'know, I had a totally false impression of this place. I thought it was all, y'know, yachts, and playboys with Porsches. I've seen more bloody cranes than sports cars!
Yeah, y'see, leisure is the new growth industry of the eighties.
We ain't got the climate, have we, Nev? Look, look. [Points to a giant water slide] When would you ever see a bloody water chute in Wolverhampton High Street?
We're not saying anything.
SSid
All we want to do, love, is clear the air. I mean, all this must be very embarrasing for you back home. Is it?
No. What's embarrassing is having to answer questions from people like you. Now, look, we didn't invite you in here, and we'd be very obliged if you'd kindly leave. [Dennis and Neville enter the villa.]
SSid
[Gets out of the armchair] It's all right, it's all right. Press.
No, it's not all right! What are you doing here?
[To Brenda and Christine] Have they been asking you questions?
Brenda
We didn't tell them anything, Neville.
SSid
Neville Hope and Dennis Patterson. Is that right?
It's about the only thing you blokes have got right.
RRonnie
Oh, smarten up, son. We know you're not villains.
SSid
As we were saying to your ladies, all we want to do is clear the air, get at the truth.
Oh, howay, we might as well. Gan on, tell 'em, Dennis.
Alright, I am Dennis Patterson, this is Neville Hope. We're brickies, we're from Newcastle and we're here on holiday. That's it. Come on. [Motions for the journalists to leave.]
RRonnie
And what about the rest of the gang?
They're all bricklayers too. We met out in Germany a few years back, and er, this is like a reunion, innit?
SSid
Right, we'll need names and home addresses so the London desk can check out their backgrounds.
Well, some of these addresses might be a bit vague. Let's see... There's erm, Mr. Osbourne, Mr. Taylor, Mr. Norris, Mr. Busbridge, and, er... what's the name of your mate, Nev, with the spotty face?
Auf Wiedersehen, Pet · 320 quotes
