[At the jukebox] Oi! [Pringle goes from serving a customer in the lounge to the public bar.] How often d'you get these records changed, lad?
PPringle
Nothing to do with me, that's up to the brewery.
Well, the bloke from the brewery must love Duran Duran. You haven't got one decent record on here, man!
[Getting up] Same again, is it?
No, no, I promised Den I'd get you all back.
Back to work... [Drinks his pint]
Just going for a piss. [Heads for the toilet.]
'Ey, better get Den summat to eat, eh?
Got any of them pies left, squire?
PPringle
No, you had the last.
Have you got anything hot?
PPringle
[Checks his watch] It's after two.
Look, we've got this mate and he's not eaten, so what can you offer?
PPringle
Crisps, or... that sandwich. [Points to the sole sandwich left in a food cover.]
...we'll take that, then. [Pringle takes the sandwich out.]
[Looking around] I don't think we'll be coming back here in a hurry, d'you?
[Drinking the last of his pint] The beer's not bad. Canny drop.
No, I'm not talkin' about the beer, man. I'm talking about mine host, Happy Harry the wing co.
PPringle
[Offended] Are you referring to me?
Well, you're obviously ex-RAF, aren't you, eh? Judging by all the crap you've for hanging up on the walls, anyway. When did you get pensioned off, then?
PPringle
I resigned six years ago.
Ah, six years ago. That'll have been a nice easy stretch, was it?
PPringle
What do you mean "easy"?
Between Suez and the Falklands there wasn't a lot of action. About as much as we'll find 'round here.
PPringle
I trust you'll go and find it somewhere else!
This place looks all right.
No, I don't reckon this place is a good idea.
Eh? We've been all over the place, Oz.
I thought that Mrs. Armitage seemed nice enough.
Nah, you know what that's gonna be, don't you? "Wipe your feet before you come in and lights out after ten."
Course we can always stay with Ally at the Cross Keys at £50 a night, like.
Well if we don't find somewhere soon, we're gonna end up kipping down at the house.
Look, man, it's only for one night 'til we find somewhere permanent. Some of us are starving because we didn't get any dinner!
Alreet, alreet. Suit yerselves.
Right, let's gan in. [Gets out of the van, noticing the others don't.] What's the matter?
Well, you're best at this sort of thing, Den. Y-yeah, you handle it.
Do you lads kna somethin' I don't?
Evening. Er, have you got any rooms free?
Er, you couldn't manage three twins, could you?
PPringle
How many nights?
PPringle
Yes, I think I can manage that.
Champion. [Pringle returns to the bar. Dennis goes to the front door and calls out to the lads.] Right, lads. No problem. [He goes to the bar.]
PPringle
That'll be £18 a night, and I don't take credit cards.
That's okay, we prefer cash anyway. Er, I tell you what, give us five pints of this bitter to start with, please. [Pringle starts pouring the beers as the lads enter with their cases.]
Hello again! [Pringle looks up with a look of bewilderment!]
CCarol
I, er, brought you some tea.
Oh, cheers. Just finished, as it happens.
CCarol
Is that your job? Windows?
Only when the lads have got a ball. Basically, I'm a chippie. [Takes the mug] Ta. Here, look, I'm sorry about rubbishing your old man, you know. Me and Arthur get on like a house on fire.
CCarol
Oh, well, it's more than I do.
Oh, yeah? [They sit on a bench in the pub car park] Bit iffy, is it?
CCarol
Since my mum left, he's got worse, really. All his children are a terrible disappointment to him.
CCarol
None of us joined the Air Force. My sister lives with a lecturer, and my brother's gay and runs a health food restaurant.
Oh, yeah? And what do you do?
CCarol
I'm studying sociology at Nottingham. My last year.
CCarol
As far away as possible.
[Pulls a cigarette from behind his ear] Here, d'you want one of these?
CCarol
Oh thanks, yeah. [Wayne gives her a cigarette from his packet and lights both cigarettes. Carol takes a drag then exhales.] I used to love it round here when I was a kid. I can't stand it now. The people have changed. They're all the rich overspill from Sheffield, or retired Tories with nothing better to do than complain about Arthur Scargill.
Yeah. I reckon our presence here's raised a few eyebrows. [Carol chuckles.]
PPringle
[Calls round the side of the pub] Carol!
CCarol
[Sighs] See you later. [Gets up and leaves Wayne.]
PPringle
[Upon seeing Dennis] Thirty seconds to get out or I'll call the police!
Arthur! Arthur, hear me out please, will yer? Look, Arthur, I know the behaviour of one of our group has caused you much heartache, and believe you and me, we feel exactly the same about him as you do. I mean, that's why we've disciplined him ourselves in a way you would have approved of.
Of the social kind, Arthur, yes. He's, er, he's confined to base, he's in the glass house as you brave fighter pilots might say.
PPringle
That still leaves the rest of you to make mayhem.
Oh, come on, Arthur, I'm a respectable married man. I mean outside in my van I've got three other men who've done a hard day's graft and simply want a quiet pint and an evening's conversation at your fireside as a reward. I mean they're not rapists, or thieves, vagabonds...
[Shouting from outside] HAS THAT BASTARD GIVEN IN YET, DENNIS? [Dennis realises that they won't get anywhere with Pringle now, so he leaves]
[Irish accent] Good evenin'.
Pint o'bitter, please, in a straight glass.
PPringle
[As he pours the pint] Have you been here before?
Ah... I think I was in here one lunchtime, a few weeks ago now.
PPringle
Ah, I thought I recognised you. [Puts the pint on the bar] 87p. [Moxey pays for the pint]
Would it be alright, like, if I took some drinks out to my kids?
PPringle
Yes, I think so, provided they bring their glasses back and provided they don't break any.
Oh no, no, they're very well behaved.
PPringle
Oh, what'll it be? Orange juice? Coca-Cola?
Five pints of bitter. They're growing lads.
PPringle
They must be. Are you Irish by any chance?
Yes, I am as a matter of fact. Brendan Mulcahy's the name.
PPringle
Well you can piss off, I don't serve Micks in here. [Moxey leaves and Pringle pours the pint down the sink]
[Tapping the bar] Another pint here. When you're ready.
PPringle
...Certainly, sir(!)
Now, now, now, Tiger. Don't overdo the sarkiness. [Barry tries to stifle his laughter] Otherwise we'll have a little video showing for the brewery, won't we? Show 'em what their tenants get up to after hours.
PPringle
[Bringing the pint over] Did I ever tell you the time when I was taken prisoner in Malaya?
No, I don't think so, no.
PPringle
These little gooks with coloured hair put me in a bamboo cage. [Wayne glances briefly at his dyed dark red hair] They abused me with sticks, humiliated me. They thought they were safe, you see, 'cos I was behind bars. Then I was rescued by my pals in the SAS and as a revenge, I strung the little bastards up by the ankles and horsewhipped them! That'll be 87 pence or do you want this one on the house(?)
[Keeping score as Moxey throws] 21... 399. [Moxey collects his darts from the board, and gives them to Oz] Has he said owt to you yet?
Happy Harry, man. Pringle.
No, nothin' Mind you, I'm not exactly lookin' for conversation.
[As he throws] I'm just waitin' for one word out of line, me, an' I'll pin his ears to the bloody dartboard with this!
There's still a bit of an atmosphere in here, isn't there?
Aye. Reminds me of a funeral parlour, Bomber.
Ah, come on, Neville. You were moanin' when wor were banned from here. Now yer moanin' 'cos we're back. I mean, just be grateful for small mercies, eh?
I am. Just find it a bit depressin' to round off me workin' day sittin' in a place where I'm not really welcome.
Could be worse for me. I could be goin' home to the wife. [Dennis laughs]
My wife's not like that, though, Bomber. Always makes us feel welcome when I get back from work. Always got a kiss for us, a cup of tea, talk about what sort of day we've had, play with the bairn for an hour.
Me? What makes you think that?
Look, why don't yer take the weekend off? Go up and see your Brenda.
Don't think I could afford to lose the money, Den.
It's only for one day, we're not workin' on Sunday.
Could I? [Dennis nods] But... would you not be a man short for Saturday?
I think Den would rather be shorthanded than have you long-faced.
[Cheered up] Ah. Good lad. [Gets up to go to the bar] My round. [Shouts to Oz and Moxey] What do you want, lads? Same again, is it?
Hello? Arthur? Yes, this is Wayne Winston Norris with your early morning call. [They all laugh]
PPringle
Is this your idea of a joke, you cretin?
No, no, no, I'm not joking 'cos I know you ain't got a sense of humour. See, look, why we're ringing is to say bye-bye, 'cos we're off elsewhere, y'see, and to tell you about the little going away present we've left ya. Now look, if you care to look outside your front door... [Looks at Neville, who tries to stifle his laughter. Pringle opens his front door... to discover it's been bricked up!]
LThe Lads
[Singing] Wall meet again, don't know where, don't know when, but I know wall meet again some sunny day! [On the outside the words "Wall Meet Again... Baconballs!" are written on the wall]
Ta-ta, Arthur! [The lads jeer and laugh]
Auf Wiedersehen, Pet · 320 quotes
