Harry[Hanging out of the driver door] Howdy! Is there a Dennis Patterson around?
[Approaching] Are you the plumber?
Harry
[Pointing to the decals on his car] Well, that's what it says, yeah.
Harry
Oh yeah. [Gets out of the car and closes the door] Harry Blackburn. [Shakes hands with Dennis.] I've got all the gear in the back. Er, special discount 'cos it's the brother-in-law, like, y'know.
Oh, well every little helps, like.
Harry
Right, er... Where d'you wanna start, then?
Well... [Pointing to the lorry] Why don't you give us a hand with this stuff if you don't mind a bit of labourin'.
Harry
Not me, Dennis. Always happy to muck in. [Laughs]
Good lad. Well, I tell you what, we'll have a break in a minute an' I'll introduce you to all the lads.
Harry
Yeah. Aye.
Definitely cowboy material, all this, innit? [Bomber nods] Be better off usin' Lego.
Harry
[In another room, singing] I'll keep on workin' / Long as my two hands are fit to use...
Listen. [Joins in singing with Harry] I drink my beer in the evenin's / Sing a little bit of these workin' man's blues. [Harry enters] Merle Haggard?
Harry
Hey, you're a fan too, are you?
A fan? [Laughs] Only met the man, like, Merle. In the flesh. And in Nashville.
Harry
Well, bloody hell! Hey... [He shakes hands with Oz] Let me kiss your feet, old mate.
[Chuckles] A Honky Tonk Night Time Man.
Harry
Ho! If We Make It Through December!
HOHarry & Oz
Okie from Muskogee!
[Sings] They don't smoke marijuana...
Harry
[Joins in] in Muskogee!
What's the hold up down there?
Nah, that's not one of Merle's, Dennis, is it? Sounds more like Johnny Cash.
[Sitting down] 'Ey, what aboot that, then? Me an' Merle, live in Nashville.
Harry
'Ey, er... I thought he shaved his beard off a few years ago.
That's not a beard, man. It's a shadow across his face.
Harry
Oh, yeah.
[Taking the photo back] ...or maybe it is a beard! I dunno. Canny fella, like. He was very pleased to hear aboot me stint in the Falklands, 'cos he's very patriotic, like.
Harry
A Falklands veteran who's met Merle Haggard? Cor, you're just about the most important person I've ever come across, Oz.
Well, between ye an' me, like, I didn't get to dae any actual butcherin' out there, yer kna, just civilan work, yer kna. [Picks up his jar, trying to get an onion out] The runway an' that sorta thing.
Harry
Still, it's very impressive, though. 'Ey, er... rough, was it?
Was nae picnic, son. [Stuffs a pickled onion in his mouth.]
Harry
What was the worst bit? The, er... the cold, or the shortage of women, like?
Well... they were both bad, like. I think the worst thing of the lot was them bloody Jim Davidson visits!
Harry
[Laughs] No lover of Cockneys, eh?
Well... [Looks over his shoulder at Wayne] We've got one on the firm, yer kna, but er, very seldom we see eye to eye wi' 'im, like.
Harry
'Ere, I tell you what, d'you fancy a few drinks an' a bit of a singsong tomorrow night over my way?
Could dae, aye. Ho, that'd have ta be o'er your way, like. We're barred from all the boozers 'round here, an' the only one we can get in we got by blackmail!
Harry
[Laughs again] 'Ey, I'm gonna enjoy workin' with you lads! [Grabs his beer] Hey, Oz. Cheers. [Raises his beer]
Cheers. [Harry drinks his beer, while Oz absent-mindedly drinks the vinegar from the pickled onion jar. He coughs and realises what he's done!]
How can someone so ugly make a nice noise like that?
[Turning to the lads] Must be miming. Miming, ain't he? [Bomber shakes his head.]
What's he called 'imself?
"Big Willie", weren't it? True an' all, y'know. Shared a shower with him once in Düsseldorf.
[Still...] Must be miming!
Harry
Hey, that lad's wasted laying bricks!
Harry
[Singing] Oh, don't forsake me, oh, my darling / On this our wedding day... [Stops singing and tilts his hat up to see Ally's Jag approaching] I think the boys from the brown stuff have just arrived! [The Jag stops in the grounds. Big Baz and some other goons get out as the lads gather.]
Er... did I ever tell anyone I was a Quaker?
BBBig Baz
We've come to persuade you back to work.
I don't suppose we can reason with 'em, eh?
I think it's too late for that now. [Barry puts his glasses on.]
[On seeing Harry take a large monkey wrench out of his holster] That's what I call a monkey wrench.
Harry
Oh, yeah. I know how to use it, an' all! [Throws it at the goons, it hits the Jag and breaks the windscreen. The goons and the lads rush towards each other.]
Don't hit me, don't hit me! I'm a bleeder! [The goon grabs Barry. Meanwhile, Bomber grapples with Big Baz.]
[With a goon, arm behind his back] Anyone got a match? I'll set fire to this bastard! [The goon uses his other elbow to hit Moxey and punch him to the ground.]
Harry
[On another goon's back] Yeah! The Fightin' Side of Me, Oz. Remember that? It's one of Merle's best! [Oz smashes a chair over another goon's back and knocks him out.]
[Gets on another goon's back. To Neville] Get him! Go on, hit him! [Neville starts punching at the goon's torso. Barry faints.]
[To Big Baz] If you fights dirty, I can get angry! [Grabs Big Baz and punches him in the face. Barry wakes up and runs away. Oz jumps on top of the Jag and leaps on Barry's pursuer, sending all three to the floor. Oz punches him out while Barry gets up. He almost kicks him, but pauses.]
[To Barry] Do you want to? Go on. [Barry feebly kicks the goon.] There!
[Walking in] 'Ey, I'm knackered! 'Ey, we've been thrashin' along today, havvn't wa?
New incentive scheme, Dennis, sangria and señoritas. Works a treat.
It's a load o' bollocks, really, yer kna. We're only gannin to Skegness! [Bomber and Neville laugh]
I tell yer what it is - if Fraser doesn't come up with this Spanish trip, I'll personally brick 'im up alone in that shithouse.
Listen, Oz, if this trip don't come off, you can brick me up there in there with him. I don't think I could live with the disappointment. Marbells... you've got your pick of your Euro-crumpet in Marbella.
We're supposed to be gannin there to work and earn a bit o' money, Wayne. Remember Money?
Ah, you're wasting your breath, Nev. I think Wayne has invented a new form of currency - wages for sex.
Harry
[Sighs] It's crucifying me this, lads. I mean, hearin' all this, knowing I can't come.
An' there's no way you can get out of it, Harry?
Harry
Not unless they put her dates back. I mean, fancy havin' open heart surgery at a time like this, eh? I mean, it's really inconsiderate, in't it?
It is a bit of a pisser, like, 'cos we're bound to need a plumber when we get over to España, aren't we? Kna what I mean? That's just one of the things they haven't yet cracked, isn'it? Like playin' football without hackin' each other to death, or buildin' hotels where all the windows fit, or gettin' all the hairs out of the backs of their bacon rind. These are some of the things what the Spics haven't mastered.
'Ello, 'ello! Only three hours? I thought you said you weren't a speed freak!
Ah it's not bad, Wayne. Y'know, I mean you could've built a garage in that time, never mind repair one.
Well, I hope you don't expect to be paid for this afternoon.
...Just pour us a cup o' tea, will ya?
Harry
Come on then, blow-by-blow account!
The boy looks wrecked. She certainly taken it out of him.
[Sighs] Unbelievable. It's the only word for it. Unbe- I mean if I told yer, yer wouldn't believe it, so...
Well we won't know till you tell us, will we?
Well, yer kna what I was saying in the bar the other night aboot, eh, aulder women?
Yea, experience an' all that beef... Dear me! This one... this one makes Simone Signoret look like Shirley Temple, that one!
Doesn't mean nowt to me! I've never seen either of them.
Well I'll try and put it another way.
Yer kna when footballers get to a certain age, they've gotta slow their game doon? Yer kna, but they seem to get to be better players because of experience, yer kna. Like Johnny Giles, Leeds and Éire. I feel like I've been playing with somebody like him after ninety minutes of soccer.
It's funny you should mention that about footballers, Oz. 'Cos the only older woman I ever had looked like Billy Bremner! [Everyone laughs]
Auf Wiedersehen, Pet · 320 quotes
