Hayley Smith quotes from American Dad!

Steve

(about Roger staying with Henry) Why does he stay, Hayley?! Why does he stay?

Hayley

Clearly, he's getting something from this kid he wasn't getting from you. When you have that kind of co-dependency, it can be hard to break free from an abusive relationship.

Hayley

I said I'll get you when I'm ready! (throws her coffee mug at him)

Steve

Now that the seeds of mistrust are sprouting, we must harvest them. [puts on headphones and starts recording the phone call; he signals for Hayley to start; Hayley dials Trudy's number]

Hello?

Hayley

Miss Lawrence, just a few questions for a fitness survey. Where do you typically work out?

At the gym.

Hayley

Good. And where is it located?

About 3 miles north of here.

Hayley

After you work out, how do you relax?

I get a massage.

Hayley

And when your car is not in "drive", it's in…

"Park"!

Hayley

And if you're from Brazil, you're…

You're Brazilian! Look. Is this a crank call?

Hayley

Hold, please.

I can't wait around. I'm leaving to meet…

Hayley

[hangs up] Did you get it?

Steve

Got it.

Please leave a message.

Hello,… Jim.

Who's Jim?

I… can't… wait… to… massage… your… Brazilian… crank. Meet… me… at… 3:00… at the…

West End.

Of the... park. I'm… leaving… Miles.

She must've dialed my number by mistake. She's cheating on me!

Hayley

How long were you planning on keeping us up here? Forever?

Stan

What? No! [kicks down the sign "Smith family graveyard" next to him]

Steve

Geez, Roger, you're making Kevin Bacon look like a total douche.

Hayley

Yeah, you may be beautiful on the outside like Kevin Bacon, but you're ugly on the inside like Tommy Lee Jones... on the outside... and the inside.

Stan

Why can't Jeff live with his family?!

Hayley

He hasn't spoken to his dad in years, and his mom ran away before he was born.

Stan

How... how could she do that?

Hayley

We haven't eaten in four days. Damn it Mom! Why did you jump off the boat after dinner?

Francine

This isn't my fault. I just wanted us to spend some time together.

Hayley

[gasp] Steve's hiding food!

Steve

No! It's just a picture I took with some grapes.

Hayley

Give it to me!

Francine

Share it! You have to share it!

Stan

No! What are we gonna do for pictures of food now?!

[sees an island] Look!

Hayley

I'm exhausted.

Francine

I'm starving!

Francine

Stan, we are going on a real vacation and this family is going to bond!

Steve

We could go skiing!

Stan

Or, here's an alternate pitch. Stay here, watch the Duke game... [Francine tries to say something] ...just hear me out... I order boneless wings from KFC...

Hayley

But-

Stan

Hang on to that thought, Hayley... I take a long bath and then... wait for it... None of you are here.

Francine

Or... [Stan opens his mouth] ...just hear me out... we stay home, and for the rest of our lives together, every time you doze off I slam a book on your testicles.

Stan

Did someone say, "skiing"?

Oh, we're so glad to have you, Hayley. I know it's not easy to pose nude.

Maybe for some people. But I am a proud and evolved woman. And I have nothing to be ashamed of.

Roger

Nnnice... (Waves/smiles)

Hayley

(Gasps, covers herself)

Roger

Madam, please, uncover yourself! Does anyone have Areola Pink? I've only got one tube...

Hayley

It's time to change my entire life. That's what that recurring dream's been trying to tell me. The one where I'm in that creepy classroom.

Stan

[drops mug] What? I didn't drop that mug because you mentioned that dream.

Hayley

That dream is a warning. Society's trying to brainwash me to conform, to color inside the lines, to get married and have babies. Well I'm not drinking the Kool-Aid anymore.

Francine

Have you tried it with Splenda?

Hayley

The path to happiness?

Stan

Yeah. It starts in Marriage Land and runs through Mommy Town. Final destination - Housewife City, where you watch TV all day long and blame everything on a Mexican woman who only comes on Tuesdays.

Klaus

[offscreen] Say it! You have to say it!

Hayley

[runs back and forth naked] Help! Racoons took my penis!

Hayley

He's an unregistered visitor.

Stan

[gasps] You mean an illegal alien?

Hayley

What happened to the land of the free? These people have the right to be here.

Stan

People? They're parasites sucking on the rich blood of America. And we need that blood to shed for oil.

Francine

Stan, can you please talk to your daughter. Look at her!

Stan

My God! Get that slut shrapnel out of your face this instant!

Hayley

It's just a nose ring.

Stan

It's a getaway piercing. Next thing you know, you'll have a bone for your lip like one of those rain forest people that Sting is always whining about.

Francine

[to Hayley] Listen to your father. Sting's become a bit of a douche.

Stan

Puberty.

Francine

Our worst nightmare.

Stan

The only thing worse than a child going through puberty is being the parent of a child going through puberty. Remember I had that bumper sticker on the car for a while? [sadly] Nobody honked.

Stan

Hey, what are you doing?

Francine

[pulls out a suitcase and starts packing things in it] I can't do it, man. I'm leaving. I'm going to... I don't know. My mom's, my sister's... Hell! I'll even go back to prison. I don't care.

Stan

Look, maybe it won't be so bad. We got through Hayley's puberty.

Francine

Barely.

Hayley

Whaddaya mean, "Every month"?!

Francine

Honey, that's the glory of being a woman.

Hayley

[throws the tampon at Stan and Francine] I'm not using these! [throws the box] I'm never using these! [proceeds to sit on the white couch]

No! [she sits]

Hayley

I'm hideous!

Francine

Honey, you can't even see it.

Stan

It's pretty.

Roger

[enters the room with a box of French fries and a soda] Wow, Hayley, your cheek's pregnant. Who's the father? Touching your face all day with your greasy hands?