Hayley Smith quotes from American Dad!

[after getting out of Francine's suitcase] Guess you forgot to unpack me on the ride over here, huh? Well, good thing I dropped a deuce in your nylons! I need a drink; where's the booze in this place?

Hayley

There is no booze. Saudi Arabia is a dry country.

[Staring at her] Seriously, where's the booze?

S1 E12 Stan of Arabia: Part 1

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[Hayley notices that Jeff is eating corn-dog in the movie theater]

Hayley

Jeff, that's a corn-dog! We're vegetarian!

Jeff

Still?

S1 E12 Stan of Arabia: Part 1

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[US airport, Stan kisses the ground]

Hayley

Gee Dad, 24 hours ago you hated America.

Oh ha ha ha, shut the hell up Hayley.

But you know, I will admit America has its flaws.

Really Dad, like what?

[singing]

Well there's...

Free speech, and there's gun control, and lousy Democrats.

The media's too liberal and everyone's too fat.

The women have careers and form opinions of their own.

We let our wives control our lives...

Damn it's good to be home!

[family singing]

Our life's not always great, in these United States.

But remember boys and girls...

It's not the worst place in the world!

It's not the worst place in the world, yeah yeah.

S1 E13 Stan of Arabia: Part 2

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[after Roger successfully tricks Steve into thinking that Stan and Francine kidnapped him as a toddler due to Steve eating Roger's cookie]

Hey, son!

Don't "son" me, baby-snatcher! [pushes a bookcase onto Stan's wheelchair-ridden body]

[after a pause, apparently not upset at his son] Something on your mind, champ?

Hayley

Steve! What are you doing?

[suavely] Something we've wanted to do for years, "sis". [he proceeds to french-kiss her for five seconds while she struggles to get away to no avail]

[in shock of what he just witnessed] Oh. My. God. [now with a smile on his face] Everything that happens from this point on is just gravy.

S1 E14 Stannie Get Your Gun

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This is great! We've gotta go back on tour and spread the word. Guns are good!

Hayley

What?!

Without guns I'd still be in a wheelchair. Guns heal the sick!

S1 E14 Stannie Get Your Gun

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[Hayley enters her room, where Steve and Klaus are reading her diary]

Hayley

What are you doing?

Hayley, good. You're here. I caught Steve red-handed.

Why, you- [to Hayley] Look, I'm just reaching out to you. Is it so wrong for me to want to get to know my own sister? [mocking voice] And to read about you giving Coach Schwartz a Rod Carew in the Taco King parking lot?

S1 E16 Not Particularly Desperate Housewife

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[Klaus, Hayley and Jeff are sitting around stoned, after having eaten marijuana brownies]

They say if you play it backwards ... you can hear the voice of a dead kid.

Hayley

Wow ... wait, how do you play Monopoly backwards?

[The doorbell rings; loud knocking is heard.]

Oh mein Gott! Oh mein Gott!

Hayley

Klaus, cool it! You're freaking out!

It's the cops! Quick, flush me down the toilet!

S1 E19 It's Good to Be Queen

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Hayley

[held by Deaf Teddy] Ow! Let go of me!

Hayley, what are you doing here?

Hayley

I was worried...you were acting so crazy, so I followed you.

DTDeaf Teddy

[through sign language] I found her eavesdropping. Also, I'll need some time off in March. My wife's really on my ass.

S1 E21 Helping Handis

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Steve used to really look up to me, but now it's like he's not into me anymore.

Wow, that's really, really boring.

I'm serious, Roger. I'm opening up to you here. It's like my son's rejection is bringing up all kinds of feelings I don't understand.

Oh, okay. Uh... not sure what to say here.

Hayley

Well, I'm off to petition my college for an Eskimo studies program.

What?! They don't have one? I'm sorry, Stan, I'd love to help you, but the Eskimos, their plight, that's the real stuff here.

Hayley

You care about the Eskimos?

Yeah, yeah, I love their pies. Keep going. Walk, walk, walk, walk, walk.

S1 E22 With Friends Like Steve's

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Just so we're clear, you will not return home from Africa without my son.

Hayley

I'm going with you. If I can just hold a refugee's hand and look them in the eye, they'll know someone cares.

(laughs) Okay, Bono, settle down.

S2 E1 Camp Refoogee

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Stan, you're being ridiculous. We have a guest out there.

Please, Francine, show some panic. Our son is dating a fatty.

Hayley

Dad, that's awful. Plus-size women drive our economy with their purchases of Garfield books and Haagen-Dazs.

You apologize to your son.

For what? You brought fat into our house.

You'd like Debbie if you got to know her, Dad. There's a lot more to her than you think.

There's more of her?!

S2 E2 The American Dad After School Special

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[after receiving a delivery of film reels from Hayley]

Hayley

[reading the inside covers] Porky's? Meatballs II? Enjoy your crap-fest.

Oh, go read The Bell Jar, you poser!

S2 E3 Failure is not a Factory-Installed Option

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Hayley

I was so sick of Jeff, and now I can't stop thinking about him. I have to figure out a way to win him back from my stupid brother.

Your brother is not the problem. The problem is Agathor. Kill him and you'll get Jeff back.

Hayley

Oh, my God! You know how to kill him?

The question isn't can I kill him. The question is: Do you like me?

Hayley

Not really.

[disappointed] Oh. Anyway, I know how to defeat Steve.

S2 E5 Dungeons and Wagons

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You just earned yourself a week of detention!

Hayley

There's no detention in college.

Oh. Right. Well, then I'm taking away fifty points from Gryffindor!!

S2 E6 Iced, Iced Babies

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Hayley

What's wrong with you? You look horrible.