American Dad! · Season 4, Episode 1
“1600 Candles” · Season 4, Episode 1
In this episode: Stan Smith (4), Francine Smith (4), Roger (1), Steve Smith (1), Hayley Smith (1)
[Francine and Toddler Steve are in the mall, and Francine is holding Steve's hand]
Look at me, being escorted around town by this handsome little gentleman.
I just wanna let you know, that I'm speaking calmly, but there's a tantrum brewing in me, the likes of which this mall has never seen.
[Steve comes downstairs after being injected with an aging serum]
Why?!
Looks like the boys in the lab made a mistake...
You think?! Well, I got my pubic hair back, a whole bunch of them. They're white as frickin' Christmas! It looks like Santa Town down there! And look at my pendulous nads! Every time I walk it's like a game of gnip gnop!
[Stan and Francine enter their bedroom, after discovering that Steve has reached puberty]
Puberty.
Our worst nightmare.
The only thing worse than a child going through puberty is being the parent of a child going through puberty. Remember I had that bumper sticker on the car for a while? [sadly] Nobody honked.
[Francine starts going toward bed]
Hey, what are you doing?
[pulls out a suitcase and starts packing things in it] I can't do it, man. I'm leaving. I'm going to... I don't know. My mom's, my sister's... Hell! I'll even go back to prison. I don't care.
Look, maybe it won't be so bad. We got through Hayley's puberty.
Barely.
[Flashback to a pubescent Hayley wearing a purple shirt and a white skirt. She is holding a box of tampons in her left hand and a tampon in her right hand. Francine and Smith are cowering in front of her and Stan is holding a fork]
Whaddaya mean, "Every month"?!
Honey, that's the glory of being a woman.
[throws the tampon at Stan and Francine] I'm not using these! [throws the box] I'm never using these! [proceeds to sit on the white couch]
No! [she sits]
[Flashback to Hayley, a bit older]
Hayley (pointing to her small breasts): This is as big as they're gonna GET?!
[Stan and Francine are in the same pose as earlier, crying in fear. Stan is holding a stapler, shooting staples towards Hayley]
[Flashback to Hayley, a bit older. She has a huge pimple on her left cheek and is crying]
I'm hideous!
[Stan and Francine are in the same pose again. Stan is holding a torch]
Honey, you can't even see it.
It's pretty.
[enters the room with a box of French fries and a soda] Wow, Hayley, your cheek's pregnant. Who's the father? Touching your face all day with your greasy hands?
[Hayley grabs Roger and hurls him through the window. She grabs Stan's torch and sets fire to the living room, screaming maniacally]
I'm not ready for Steve to make the change. He's gonna have man breath, and his poops won't smell good anymore.
Have you ever been beaten naked in a gym shower, Stan? One day, when I was showering after gym class, these mean pretty girls caught me and kept scrubbing me all over with soap. I mean, they didn't miss a spot! And even though we were all wet and naked and slippery, they were still able to get me on all fours, and shove my face to the floor! Can you imagine, Stan?
[Stan is sitting on the chair, drenched in sweat from arousal with his coat covering his lap]
How'd they catch you again?
(Stan is on the phone arranging for party entertainment)
Hello, I'd like a moonbounce and a sober clown for a birthday party on Saturday? [beat]: Well, do you know the number of someone who knows a sober clown? [beat]]: No, I don't think I'm asking for the world...
These quotes come from Wikiquote's American Dad! pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
