Scenes with Hayley Smith 95
HayleyDon't worry, we will!
[Stan, dressed as Bill, his body double, and Hayley drive away.]
Hayley
'Cause we're finally going all the way!
[Stan looks increasingly uncomfortable.]
Hayley [rapping]: Doin' it, doin' it, d-d-doin' it! Should we break for lunch? Nope! Let's keep doin' it, doin' it! Someone's at the door! I don't care! We're doin' it, doin' it! Wanna put on our hikin' boots? Yeah! We'll wear 'em while we're doin' it, doin' it!
Hayley [sing-song]: I like the rhythm, it is my method.
(At a forest, Hayley rings Stan's phone, revealing the ruse)
Hayley
Dad?
(answers it) Uh, hello. Hey, Johnny, yeah. (to Hayley) It's work. (on the phone) Well, look in the book. Is it a warehouse item? (to Hayley, whispers) Five minutes.
Hayley
Dad, you're talking to me on the phone, and in your voice. (after a long pause, Hayley found out what was going on) Oh my God! Are You KIDDING ME?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
Uh, I love you honey! I said it. See? **Hayley, wait! I can explain! I had a good reason. (Hayley brings out a box of matches) Oh, you grabbed some matches from the hotel-- little keepsake. Now, you don't want to tear one of those out. The serious collector keeps his matchbooks intact. (Hayley rips out a match and stikes it) Oh, now it's worthless.**
**[Only on DVD]
Hayley
That was so close! I think he's onto us!
Get in your suitcase and don't come out until you hear me say "I'm done, go clean up, you disgust me."
Oh my neck is killing me—being trapped in this room is stressing me out.
Look, Frannie, I know you're hurting. I just want you to know I'm here for you andKAH!
Oh my God. ...I think you fixed it! [collapses] Oohhugh...
Hayley
Mom?
I don't understand, this shoulda worked! I learned that move from a chiropractor in his van in the alley behind the 7-Eleve—oh boy, I think I raped a guy.
So now I'm gonna be bald forever, and I'm gonna be a better man in your eyes for it.
Hayley
It doesn't matter to us if you've got hair.
Yeah Stan, I'm bald and I made out with your wife.
Hayley
So, how'd the big night turn out?
It was... there's no word to describe it. Schmooblydong? That's not it, but it's close. Let--let me try and put it in terms you can understand. Imagine being high at a Rusted Root concert while two dudes take you on in a sun-baked porta-john.
Hayley
Wow. That actually does sound really good.
Hayley
Oh, yerhujeva? She's good. She's back in Croatia for the winter with the rest of the Gina family.
You're gonna to roast each other. And your zingers better be mean. If you try any weak sauce, I'm gonna give you such a zots. [With a remote, he buzzes Stan] Now, Stan, roast Hayley. [Zots!] You feel that zots?!
Uh, Hayley, you're not very smart and you smoke a lot of pot.
Uh, okay. Hayley, I secretly wish you were Benjamin Button, and you were aging backwards, and your life was almost over.
[laughing with Klaus] Oh, yeah! Insults in the form of jokes. So how's it feel, Hayley? Not too bueno, I bet. Now you do Steve.
Hayley
Steve, you will never get laid. There is nothing attractive about you. You have the sex appeal of the cancer ward in a pediatric hospital.
Hayley coming in with a groaner. Nice. Okay, Steve, let's see you give it to your mama.
Mom, you are not smart. I don't tell "yo mama's so dumb" jokes. I tell "my mama's so dumb" jokes. Example: my mama's so dumb, I don't tell "yo mama's so dumb" jokes. I tell "my mama's so dumb" jokes.
I love it. Francine, take the pain and throw it right at Stan. Do it!
Stan, you have the undeserved ego of Jeremy Piven, the annoying self-righteousness of Sean Penn, and the unbearable hypocrisy of Rush Limbaugh. What I'm trying to say is, you're almost as bad a person as Rachael Ray.
Look, it's not even my rule; it's your Dad's. You think I wouldn't want to spark up a doober every now and then? [drifts off, contently] Just take a nice, slow, extra-careful drive?
Hayley
But Mom...
[to Hayley] It's okay, Hayley. I can handle it. I mean, weed's the thing I care about the most...but...maybe that should be you.
[Hayley sighs]
Thanks, Jeff! [slumps over, frustrated] MAN! You got me thinkin' about weed now. That stuff makes me want to drink so much soda! [looks off, wistfully] I smoke a bone, then I drink a two liter of Sunkist in like a second. Freaks people out...
[loudly takes a long sip of coffee while Jeff and Hayley stare, silently]
I don't get it, they're friends again?
Hayley
Told you. They just needed to f**k.
Principal Lewis (introducing Hayley and Jeff to his house): Welcome to my home. As you can see, it is a shithole. But, it's a good arena for bonding activities and a constant reminder of what happens when you try to smack some sense into your lady.
Hayley
You're a marriage counselor.
Step one on your path to a happier marriage: you have 45 minutes to clean this room, but you can't talk to each other. Not one word. Trust me on this.
Hayley (to Jeff): Let's go Jeff. This isn't real.
Principal Lewis (draws a gun on her): It just got real, bitch! Now clean my house!
[Jeff and Hayley are in Hayley's high school]
Hayley
Jeff, what are you doing here?
STScience Teacher
[cuts Jeff off] Hey! [Camera pans out to show him standing beside a blackboard which has 2 + 2 = 4 on it.] Who solved my theorem? Which one of you is the genius?! [points to the Slow Janitor, who is holding a piece of chalk.] You there!! "[Camera shows the slow janitor by a mop bucket. The slow janitor eats the piece of chalk, and runs away with the mop bucket.]
Hayley
Jeff, I don't wanna go to Mexico! Okay, that's your plan! We need a plan we can both be excited about!
A new plan... New Mexico!
Hayley, I love you! And I'm not leaving until you say you love me back.
Hayley
No, I don't love you, okay? I'm married. Sometimes happily.
I thought you might say that, but wait till you hear this. (He brings the orchestra people around) Aha! I hired a 12-piece orchestra to play your favorite song: Gangsta's Paradise by Coolio.
(The orchestra starts playing Gangsta's Paradise)
Hayley
No.
I thought you might say that, but feast your eyes on this! (The orchestral people leave as a delivery truck drives up, and as the back door of the truck opens, there is an elephant and it trumpets) Aha! Elephant. Your favorite animal. I rented it for you! Say you love me.
Hayley
No.
I thought you might say that, but wait until you see what's in the elephant's sack! (He gets a bunch of batteries and shows it to Hayley) Aha! Batteries! Your favorite thing on your favorite animal!
Hayley
No.
I thought you might say that, but wait until you see this!
(Hayley says nothing, and Steve shakes his head. Dissolve to the sky that reads: "Snot and Hayley Forever" formed by a jet plane. In the Smith house, there are two Japanese women holding fans and four chairs that Snot is balancing on. There is also a sack of heart boxes full of chocolates and many strings of heart balloons attached to sacks.
Aha! What do you say now, my love?
Hayley
Go away.
Hayley
[to Stan] That phrase the old man said to you was in Latin. But, uh, I can't find the translation.
Hayley
Um, it was something...[says something in Latin]
[says the correct phrase in Latin] It means, "Walk in my shoes and you will know." It's a really good hex.
How do you know so much about hexes?
I do a lot of reading, you know, 'cause I sit in the ******* bowl all ******* day.
American Dad! · 929 quotes
