Can't you pack any faster?
Not one handed. Why do we have to run away?
Because this place is a suburban Sing Sing.
Brian[comes in] Hey, ALF. Whatcha doing?
I'm running away from home.
Oh, great. Tell the whole world.
Brian
Why are you running away?
[satisfied] NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS! [laughs evily]
Brian
[angrily] I'M GONNA TELL DAD! [he leaves the garage] DAD!
Hey, why were you lying to Brian like that? [Paul hits him] Ow, don't hit me!
Shut up and keep packing.
Well, what if I don't wanna go? What if someone sees me?
I'll tell 'em you're my pet sloth, which isn't too far from the truth.
I don't know why I stay friends with you.
Because I'm your alter ego.
I tell you what to do. Now, grab that radio over there. We'll hock it.
I can't take that. It's Willie's!
[Willie and Kate come in the garage]
You're not taking anything. And I think it's time I took that dummy away from you.
Yeah. Back off or you'll be sucking splinters.
ALF, Paul is only a toy. How about if we replace him with a Papa Smurf?
Why don't we replace the two of you with Ozzie and Harriet? At least Harriet could cook.
That's it, mister! You are kindling!
No, no! Don't take Paul away from me. He'll die!
ALF, why don't you and Paul just go in the house? We're not gonna bother you anymore. I promise.
See how nice they are? Thank you. That's very kind of-
Come on! Come on! I'll teach you how to smoke. [he and ALF leave the garage]
Willie, what? What did you do that for?
Don't worry. I'm getting psychiatric help.
Good for you, honey. But what about ALF?
That's what I meant. I'm calling Larry. He helped ALF last year. He didn't even send us a bill.
You get what you pay for.
[Willie is painting through ALF's drawing on the wall while the phone rings]
Brian
[walks and answers the phone] Hello? Dad, it's for you. It's mom.
Go ahead, Willie. I'll hold the brush.
[gives ALF the brush] Well. Okay, but don't paint with it.
Don't eat it. [he walks away]
He didn't say not to lick it.
Brian
It's implied.
Hi, Kate. What's the matter?
Well, nothing really. But I'm here with Maura and she wants to spend the night.
Yes, she just had a big fight with John and she's very upset. I'd like to help her out. But honey, can we manage it?
Well, the sign's almost covered. [ALF goes up the ladder and reaches for his drawing] All we have to do is hide the artist.
Okay, we'll be home in 30 minutes. She can sleep on the couch.
[falls down from the ladder as paint wets the couch] WHOA!
Brian
ALF!
Can she sleep on the floor?
[offscreen] Get out of this bathroom! I'm going to take a bath, and that's final! [door slams]
Fine! I'll go sulk in the kids' bathroom.
Before you do, ALF, could you come out here?
Sure, why not? It's not like I was born free to follow my heart, or anything.
[lights turns on]
WLWillie, Lynn, Brian, Jake, Larry, Dorothy, and Jody
Surprise!
I've been seen by a vicious snarling mob. [everyone talks at once] Hey, hey, wait a minute. I know this mob.
We've invited everyone who's ever met you.
How's it going Jake-o-Lantern?
Here's 4. I owe you one! [laughs]
Larry, my shrink! Nice to see you when I'm not wacko.
Grandma Dorothy, how's your much younger husband, Whizzer?
Citizen cane! Yeah! Nice to see you.
[laughs] What a kidder! Watch out for the lamp!
ALF, we wanted to show you your world isn't as limited as you thought.
It's not the same as going out and making new friends, but we hope it helps.
I couldn't ask for more. Where are the presents?
Presents? We gave you presents at Christmas and your birthday, and on St. Melmac's Day, which I really doubt was that big a holiday.
Hey, forget the presents. I guess it's enough that my friends and Dorothy, are here.
WKWillie, Kate, Lynn, Brian, Jake, Larry, Dorothy, and Jody
[giving ALF presents] Surprise!
Oh, boy! Friends with presents are the best kind of friends and Dorothy.
Brian
[comes in] Hi ALF.
Hi, what does E-N-N-U-I spell?
Brian
Beats me.
Then what do we send you to school for?
Brian
Beats me.
Can I see the mail? I'm expecting to hear from the matchbook people on how well I drew Binky.
Brian
Here you go, ALF.
Occupant. Resident. Lingerie catalog Kate, you saucy vixen, you! Uh oh.
Brian
They didn't like your "Binky"?
Worse! It's from that college Lynn wants to go to.
Brian
Why is that bad?
It's in Massachusetts. If she goes there, she won't live here.
Than what are you holding?
Mail. I'm a terrible liar.
Wait. What does E-N-N-U-I, spell?
Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! That's absolutely correct. No need to go to college.
[takes the mail from ALF] Give that to me. Oh my god! It's here! Cross your fingers everybody!
Alright! This is fantastic! I can't believe it! I've got to call Laurie. [runs off]
Brian
[voiceover] Hey, ALF!
[he and Brian come in the living room] Have you seen the peanut butter? ALF, who's that?
Oh, this is my new friend Pete Finnegan. Flakey, this is Brian Tanner and Jake Ochmonek.
Let he who is without flakiness cast the first stone.
Brian
ALF, you're not supposed to let strangers in the house.
Relax, Brian, the Flakemeister's not gonna tell anyone I'm an alien. He's a friend of Willie's.
Brian
Oh, yeah? You know Mr. Tanner?
Oh, yeah, sure. Very well. Matter of fact, this is his sweater.
What happened to your Thanksgiving dinner?
Uncle Rocky's still carvin' it. Come on, Brian, let's go spoil our appetites.
[leaves] Yeah...likewise.
[at the end, Flakey Pete leaves the Tanners' home]
Well, now, if you need anything, you got my card.
Oh, thanks, but I'll be fine.
Are you sure you can't stay?
Oh, thanks, ALF, but, no. I usually spend this time of year in Florida. Lots of rich widows with loose change and full of the holiday spirit.
[closes the door] Gee, I hope he keeps in touch.
I'm sure he will. He took our phone.
Brian
[comes out of the kitchen] Why is Lucky's water dish in the microwave?
Brian
I already looked for ALF. I can't find him anywhere.
Well, did you check under our bed?
Brian
Yeah.
Brian
Yep.
Brian
What car?
Brian
Our car's gone.
Willie, Lynn took our car to the drive-in.
Brian
Oh, sure. She'll take ALF to the drive-in, but not me.
[doorbell rings]
Kate, you answer the door. I'll go to the drive-in and get ALF. I can't go to the drive-in, Lynn's got the car.
You know, perhaps this isn't the best time to raise this issue but I still think we need a second car. [opens the door to reveal it's Trevor]
Oh, Trevor. Trevor, could we borrow your car?
Whatever happened to, "Hi, neighbor, how are ya? How was the hunting trip? Here's your mail?"
Oh, I'm-I'm sorry. Hi, neighbor, how are ya?
How was your hunting trip?
Well, we left last Saturday. And the first thing that happened was we pulled out of the driveway and got a flat tire. Took Raquel a half hour to fix it. Then everything was fine until we get up around Big Pine. We got onto Highway 190 and about 15 miles down the road we ran smack into a detour. Right down a gravel road.
Now, can we borrow your car?
Don't you wanna hear about the gravel road?
[at the end, ALF and Brian have their own drive-in at home]
Brian
No, no! Don't open that door!
Oh, no! She opened the door! Yike-Er-Oni.
What are you guys doing out here?
Brian
This is our drive-in theater.
Yeah, and you two snuck in. I'm calling the manager.
Do you mind if we join you? [he and Kate join ALF and Brian's drive-in in the car]
Ok, but don't hog the popcorn. And don't fog up the windows back there!
Thank you, thank you. And welcome to the 2nd Annual Tanner Invitational Croquet Tournament. [everyone cheers] Ok. Introducing the defending champions, Lynn and Brian Tanner.
Alright! And the challengers, Kate and, of course, Willie Tanner. Boo! Hiss! Murder the bums!
I thought referees were supposed to be impartial.
[blows whistle] That's it. Mouthing off.
I think we need a referee with at least a nodding acquaintance with the rules. Now, see here. Croquet happened to be Melmac's biggest sport. Only there it was called muck sucking.
Hey, I didn't name it. Is it played the same?
Except you need and Bob Eubanks. Oh, oh. And the swing was slightly different. Here, I'll show you. Block me, Willie.
[gets knocked down after ALF hits him] Uhh!
Now you see why it was called muck sucking.
Lynn, help me get your dad in the house.
I'll have a look at him there.
I just want to be a safe distance from you. If there is such a place. [he, Kate, and Lynn leave the backyard]
Guess it's just you and me, you little muck sucker.
Brian
I don't want to play with you, ALF. You're too dangerous. [leaves]
Oh, what a day. First, I broke Willie's windshield, then I broke Willie's power saw. Now I broke Willie. Sometimes I think the Tanners would be better off without me. Sometimes I wish I'd never come here. [throws croquet stick up in the air] I wish, I wish, [the croquet stick hits himself knocking him unconscious] I wish I could figure out this thing called gravity. [falls down to the ground]
[ALF comes in the house, injured, and wonders his life would be without the Tanners]
Oh, holy-owned subsidiary. You think your shin hurts, Wilco. Take a gander at the knot on my noggin.
Brian
Will you please pass the hearts of palm, father?
Brian
Thank you.
Did the temperature just drop in here? And how did you get Brian to eat hearts of palm?
Save room for the crème brûlée everyone.
Oh, I, for one, certainly will.
Well, excuse me for bleeding. [leaves the dining room] What is this, freeze out the reckless alien?
What a lot of food. There's certainly going to be a lot left.
Brian
We wouldn't have any leftovers if we had a dog.
Right. We'd eat the dog in one sitting. Ha ha! Isn't anyone going to get repulsed? Come on Tanners, talk to me.
They can't seem to hear you, ALF.
[screams] Help! Help! There's a stranger in the house! I've been unveiled!
They can't see me, either.
Willie! Uh, uh, grease fire! Grease fire! Funny, that usually gets a big reaction.
No, I don't believe any of this, who are you?
My name is Bob, I'm your guardian angel.
Right, I'm the Easter alien.
Well, I don't have all day. Are you ready?
To start your new life. I'm here to grant you the wish you made this morning.
You got me a date with Sheena Easton?
Do you recall these words, "I wish that i had a different life"?
Alright, I'm paraphrasing. If you must know your exact words. [reading a note] Sometimes I wish that I'd never come here. I wish, I wish-" Bonk. Y-Bonk? Oh, yes. That's when the mallet hit you. Now, do you remember saying that?
I say so many things. I'm a scorpio you know.
Well, your wish has been granted. History has been revised, and your life with the Tanners never happened. Well, we better be going.
Yeah. Ok, fine. Just give me a minute to say good-bye. Alright, I give up. You made your point. Tell the guy from Ghost-O-Gram over there to go home.
It's no use, ALF. They can't see you. If you don't believe me, look in the mirror. [he and ALF look at the Tanners eating dinner in the mirror]
Strange. I thought I broke that mirror.
It is broken! I don't see our reflections! Eek! We're vampires!
No, we're not vampires. We don't cast reflections because we don't exist in this place.
Well, if I don't exist, these poor people must be miserable.
You know, our lives have turned out better than I ever dreamed would have been possible.
I agree. We have 2 wonderful kids, a comfortable income, this great house with no aliens living in it.
Oh, by the way, thanks again for the maserati.
Is it ok if I give Julie my porsche?
Thanks. It's her birthday and I forgot to get her a card.
Ok, so they've got a little more money.
[ALF refuses to leave the Tanners]
You wanted to say goodbye. I think you should say it now.
I changed my mind. I'm not leaving! And you can't make me! [Bob snaps his fingers back to heaven] I stand corrected.
Well, have it your way. It's a mere formality, anyway.
Well, forget it. I'm not going. I know my rights. Get me a lawyer.
This is heaven. There are no lawyers here.
Prepare to enter your new life.
No! No! Wait! Wait! This whole thing is a mistake.
The deal is off! The deal is off! The deal is off! [he wakes up from his dream to find that he had simply been unconscious for the past few hours] The deal is off! The deal is off.
Brian
I think he's waking up.
[walks up to ALF] ALF. ALF! Can, can you hear me?
Auntie Em? Auntie Em? Is that you? Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.
It's Kate. It's Kate. Are you alright?
Well, I think so. Aah! Ow!
Brian
We worried about you.
Oh, Brian, Kate, Kate, Lynn! Willie! Willie, I'm back! Bob sent me back!
My guardian angel. See, I wished I never crashed into your garage. So, Bob took me away from you. And Willie smoked a pipe.
ALF, you were just dreaming.
We found you in the backyard. You were unconscious. You were sucking muck.
Yeah, you must have knocked yourself out with the croquet mallet.
I'm sorry I yelled at you, ALF. We were really worried. We thought you might have.
Well, you know I kicked the bucket?
ALF, I couldn't imagine what life would be like without you.
Believe me, you don't want to know. By the way, do we have a pool?
It doesn't matter. I'm home now. The Maserati's probably not happening either, right?
Are you sure you're alright?
Hey, what could be wrong? I'm here with my Tanners. Everything's back to normal, just the way I like it. A gift for you, Willie, from the bottom of my heart. [glass shattering] Don't thank me.
Ooh, ham and eggs! Thanks, Kate.
Oh, no, ALF, these are for everyone.
Actually, I'm in the mood for oatmeal.
I think I'm gonna get something at work.
Brian
I'm gonna have to change my shirt.
[as he hears a knock on the door] Who is it?
[from outside] It's me Jake.
Joy. That's twice my appetite's been killed.
Hey, morning, Jake kiboody. What brings you over?
Aunt Raquel and uncle Trevor have been fighting again.
What was it about this time? Allow me. Raquel thinks Trevor's a slob, That he doesn't appreciate her, and some other female paranoia nonsense. [the Tanners glare at him] Hey, you crawl under people's houses, you hear things.
Hey Jake. Would you like to join us for breakfast?
Brian
Green eggs and ham.
[from outside] Hey, Tanners, it's me!
Oh, great. Pig outus interruptus.
Oh, come on in, Trevor. Well, what's up?
Eh, nothing much, and even if there was, I'm not the kind of guy that would burden you with my problems. Raquel just threw me out.
Somehow she got the ridiculous idea that she doesn't love me anymore.
So, are you, uh, looking for a place to stay, Trevor? [ALF hits him with a fork] Ow! Leg cramp.
I don't know where I'm gonna stay. Do you know anybody that would kindly put me up for the night?
Well. [ALF hits him with a fork again] Ow!
[she kicks ALF from under the table] You can stay here, Trevor.
Oh, well, thanks. I'll be right back. Come on, Jake. Help me pick my clothes off the lawn.
[after he gets up from under the table] Where does that freeloading sloth get off crashing our party?
I don't know, ALF. Why don't you have a sloth-to-sloth talk with him?
[Brian angrily comes in Lynn's room]
Don't just barge in here! Knock when you come into my room!
Brian
[yelling] ALF'S LEAVING BECAUSE OF YOU!
What are you talking about? He can't leave.
Brian
He's fixing his spaceship right now.
Don't be such a baby. He's always saying he can't fix that ship.
Brian
[yelling] YOU'RE THE BABY! YOU WON'T EVEN TALK TO HIM! WHY DON'T YOU GROW UP?
Brian, wait. [Brian angrily leaves Lynn's room] Don't cry.
ALF · 397 quotes
