Thank you, thank you. And welcome to the 2nd Annual Tanner Invitational Croquet Tournament. [everyone cheers] Ok. Introducing the defending champions, Lynn and Brian Tanner.
Alright! And the challengers, Kate and, of course, Willie Tanner. Boo! Hiss! Murder the bums!
I thought referees were supposed to be impartial.
[blows whistle] That's it. Mouthing off.
I think we need a referee with at least a nodding acquaintance with the rules. Now, see here. Croquet happened to be Melmac's biggest sport. Only there it was called muck sucking.
Hey, I didn't name it. Is it played the same?
Except you need and Bob Eubanks. Oh, oh. And the swing was slightly different. Here, I'll show you. Block me, Willie.
[gets knocked down after ALF hits him] Uhh!
Now you see why it was called muck sucking.
Lynn, help me get your dad in the house.
I'll have a look at him there.
I just want to be a safe distance from you. If there is such a place. [he, Kate, and Lynn leave the backyard]
Guess it's just you and me, you little muck sucker.
I don't want to play with you, ALF. You're too dangerous. [leaves]
Oh, what a day. First, I broke Willie's windshield, then I broke Willie's power saw. Now I broke Willie. Sometimes I think the Tanners would be better off without me. Sometimes I wish I'd never come here. [throws croquet stick up in the air] I wish, I wish, [the croquet stick hits himself knocking him unconscious] I wish I could figure out this thing called gravity. [falls down to the ground]
[ALF comes in the house, injured, and wonders his life would be without the Tanners]
Oh, holy-owned subsidiary. You think your shin hurts, Wilco. Take a gander at the knot on my noggin.
Will you please pass the hearts of palm, father?
Did the temperature just drop in here? And how did you get Brian to eat hearts of palm?
Save room for the crème brûlée everyone.
Oh, I, for one, certainly will.
Well, excuse me for bleeding. [leaves the dining room] What is this, freeze out the reckless alien?
What a lot of food. There's certainly going to be a lot left.
We wouldn't have any leftovers if we had a dog.
Right. We'd eat the dog in one sitting. Ha ha! Isn't anyone going to get repulsed? Come on Tanners, talk to me.
They can't seem to hear you, ALF.
[screams] Help! Help! There's a stranger in the house! I've been unveiled!
They can't see me, either.
Willie! Uh, uh, grease fire! Grease fire! Funny, that usually gets a big reaction.
No, I don't believe any of this, who are you?
My name is Bob, I'm your guardian angel.
Right, I'm the Easter alien.
Well, I don't have all day. Are you ready?
To start your new life. I'm here to grant you the wish you made this morning.
You got me a date with Sheena Easton?
Do you recall these words, "I wish that i had a different life"?
Alright, I'm paraphrasing. If you must know your exact words. [reading a note] Sometimes I wish that I'd never come here. I wish, I wish-" Bonk. Y-Bonk? Oh, yes. That's when the mallet hit you. Now, do you remember saying that?
I say so many things. I'm a scorpio you know.
Well, your wish has been granted. History has been revised, and your life with the Tanners never happened. Well, we better be going.
Yeah. Ok, fine. Just give me a minute to say good-bye. Alright, I give up. You made your point. Tell the guy from Ghost-O-Gram over there to go home.
It's no use, ALF. They can't see you. If you don't believe me, look in the mirror. [he and ALF look at the Tanners eating dinner in the mirror]
Strange. I thought I broke that mirror.
It is broken! I don't see our reflections! Eek! We're vampires!
No, we're not vampires. We don't cast reflections because we don't exist in this place.
Well, if I don't exist, these poor people must be miserable.
You know, our lives have turned out better than I ever dreamed would have been possible.
I agree. We have 2 wonderful kids, a comfortable income, this great house with no aliens living in it.
Oh, by the way, thanks again for the maserati.
Is it ok if I give Julie my porsche?
Thanks. It's her birthday and I forgot to get her a card.
Ok, so they've got a little more money.
[Bob and ALF are in heaven]
I'll just get this paperwork out of the way, and it's a done deal.
Try not to panic, Bob, but I think we're on fire.
Huh? Oh, don't worry. Those are just clouds.
Well, I guess I've looked at these from both sides now.
Incidentally, your hobby is racing lear jets. Last book read, Zen and the Art of Acquisitions. Favorite quote, "Greed works."
You know, this new life is gonna be great. I'm gonna be rich, drive a big car. Make a note, call Sheena Easton. No, no. First, I'll call the Tanners and invite them over for pizza. Then we'll call Sheena Easton.
I'm afraid that isn't possible.
Well, fine. Then call Kelly girl. Tell them to send over Kelly McGillis and Kelly Lebrock.
I mean you won't be able to invite the Tanners over. After the transition you won't remember them.
Oh, sure I will. Just because I'm gonna be rich doesn't mean I'll forget the little people.
I'm afraid you will, ALF. You'll forget the tanners and everything about your former life. Everyone's a little nervous at first. I'm sure you're going to be very happy in your new life.
I can't imagine being happy in a life without the Tanners.
Oh, come off it, ALF. Think of your secretary, think of your profit margins, think of your other secretary. And you saw how well the tanners were doing without you.
Well, I guess you're right. But can I at least go back and see them one last time?
I've got to join a frequent flier club.
[ALF refuses to leave the Tanners]
You wanted to say goodbye. I think you should say it now.
I changed my mind. I'm not leaving! And you can't make me! [Bob snaps his fingers back to heaven] I stand corrected.
Well, have it your way. It's a mere formality, anyway.
Well, forget it. I'm not going. I know my rights. Get me a lawyer.
This is heaven. There are no lawyers here.
Prepare to enter your new life.
No! No! Wait! Wait! This whole thing is a mistake.
The deal is off! The deal is off! The deal is off! [he wakes up from his dream to find that he had simply been unconscious for the past few hours] The deal is off! The deal is off.
[walks up to ALF] ALF. ALF! Can, can you hear me?
Auntie Em? Auntie Em? Is that you? Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.
It's Kate. It's Kate. Are you alright?
Well, I think so. Aah! Ow!
Oh, Brian, Kate, Kate, Lynn! Willie! Willie, I'm back! Bob sent me back!
My guardian angel. See, I wished I never crashed into your garage. So, Bob took me away from you. And Willie smoked a pipe.
ALF, you were just dreaming.
We found you in the backyard. You were unconscious. You were sucking muck.
Yeah, you must have knocked yourself out with the croquet mallet.
I'm sorry I yelled at you, ALF. We were really worried. We thought you might have.
Well, you know I kicked the bucket?
ALF, I couldn't imagine what life would be like without you.
Believe me, you don't want to know. By the way, do we have a pool?
It doesn't matter. I'm home now. The Maserati's probably not happening either, right?
Are you sure you're alright?
Hey, what could be wrong? I'm here with my Tanners. Everything's back to normal, just the way I like it. A gift for you, Willie, from the bottom of my heart. [glass shattering] Don't thank me.
[at the end, Willie is dressed in a suit for the night while ALF is having a random phone call]
Are you almost ready, dear?
[offscreen] I'll be right out!
[on the phone] Hello? Bloomingdale's Perfume Department. Yeah, I have your next tremendous seller here. This stuff will be on the nape of every female neck in the nation. [Kate screams] Hold on a second.
[as there is perfume stuck on her skin] What do you know about this?
I notice it doesn't absorb very well.
Smells like radiator fluid.
Hello? Could you transfer me to your Automotive Department?
[Kate and Willie feel shocked as ALF makes another phone call as the episode ends]
