“Varsity Drag” quotes from ALF

Brian

[comes in] Hi ALF.

ALF

Hi, what does E-N-N-U-I spell?

Brian

Beats me.

ALF

Then what do we send you to school for?

Brian

Beats me.

ALF

Can I see the mail? I'm expecting to hear from the matchbook people on how well I drew Binky.

Brian

Here you go, ALF.

ALF

Occupant. Resident. Lingerie catalog Kate, you saucy vixen, you! Uh oh.

Brian

They didn't like your "Binky"?

ALF

Worse! It's from that college Lynn wants to go to.

Brian

Why is that bad?

ALF

It's in Massachusetts. If she goes there, she won't live here.

Lynn

[comes in] Hi!

ALF

Hi! No mail today.

Lynn

Than what are you holding?

ALF

Mail. I'm a terrible liar.

Lynn

Let me see.

ALF

Wait. What does E-N-N-U-I, spell?

Lynn

Ennui?

ALF

Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! That's absolutely correct. No need to go to college.

Lynn

[takes the mail from ALF] Give that to me. Oh my god! It's here! Cross your fingers everybody!

ALF

No problem.

Lynn

Alright! This is fantastic! I can't believe it! I've got to call Laurie. [runs off]

ALF

Maybe she didn't get in.

ALF

[cheering] Give me an L! Give me a Y! Give me an N-N-N! Now lose the extra N! What have ya got? [Lynn leaves her room] Was it something I spelled?

ALF

So what you're saying is, I'm the real reason Lynn can't go away to school. [pause] I feel like slime. I feel like slime guts. I feel like slime gut droppings. I feel like slime gut droppings on an open fire. How do you feel?

Brian

Nauseous.

ALF

Kate? Willie? Where's the fire extinguisher? [he clicks his stopwatch as Kate and Willie run around until he stops his stopwatch] 2.1 seconds. A new record!

Kate

There's no fire.

ALF

I know, I just wanted your immediate attention.

ALF

[clears throat] Now that you're up, could I see the two of you in the living room?

Willie

ALF, we're tired now. We wanna go to sleep.

ALF

Fine, but I don't know how you two can sleep considering what's in the living room.

Willie

What are these?

ALF

Newspapers, Willie. Get with it!

Kate

Why are they here?

ALF

Perhaps I should explain. Please do!

Kate

No, let me guess. You're a newspaper boy.

ALF

We prefer the term, "Paper Person." It's gender-neutral.

Willie

Do you actually believe, that you can afford someone through college with a paper route?

ALF

No. That's why I got 10 paper routes.

Willie

10 paper routes, there must be 500 papers here.

ALF

Actually, 501. They gave me an extra copy by mistake. [chuckles]

Kate

ALF, you can't deliver newspapers.

ALF

Sure I can! You haven't seen my throwing arm. [Willie grabs the newspaper] Willie, I can't throw you and the newspaper. [Willie takes the newspaper away from him]