“Tequila” · Season 2, Episode 23
In this episode: ALF (6), Kate Tanner (4), Willie Tanner (3), Maura (3), Lynn Tanner (1), Brian Tanner (1)
[trying to get rid of the drawing on the wall] When, how, why did you do this?
Half an hour ago. Crayon. Seemed like a good idea.
Well, it's not coming off.
Maybe they won't notice.
They won't notice, because they won't be coming here.
If I were paranoid type, I'd think this had something to do with me.
[Willie is painting through ALF's drawing on the wall while the phone rings]
[walks and answers the phone] Hello? Dad, it's for you. It's mom.
Go ahead, Willie. I'll hold the brush.
[gives ALF the brush] Well. Okay, but don't paint with it.
I won't.
Don't eat it. [he walks away]
He didn't say not to lick it.
It's implied.
Rats!
Hello?
Hi honey, it's me.
Hi, Kate. What's the matter?
Well, nothing really. But I'm here with Maura and she wants to spend the night.
Here?
Yes, she just had a big fight with John and she's very upset. I'd like to help her out. But honey, can we manage it?
Well, the sign's almost covered. [ALF goes up the ladder and reaches for his drawing] All we have to do is hide the artist.
Okay, we'll be home in 30 minutes. She can sleep on the couch.
That's no problem.
[falls down from the ladder as paint wets the couch] WHOA!
ALF!
Can she sleep on the floor?
[Maura is in the kitchen and ALF comes in]
Hi!
Uh oh!
Nice try, though.
Huh?
Come on, Sammy. Did you honestly think that you would fool me with that silly disguise?
Sammy? Sammy who?
What do you mean? Sammy you!
You know me?
Of course. Quit fooling around. Sit down and have a drink.
Well, maybe a short one.
You realize I'm a figment of your imagination, not an alien from another planet? Right?
Of course.
Just checking. Gotta run! I've got other dreams to appear in.
Knock it off, Sammy. You're not going anywhere.
I'm not?
No, we've been through all this before. That is the strangest I've ever seen you look.
You should see me in a tank top.
This beats the time you showed up as the dog in the cowboy suit.
How often do I show up?
You arrive during the 3rd margarita, and leave during the blackout.
At least I'm consistent.
Here, salud! [gives ALF a drink]
[sniffs] Holy owned and operated! What is this stuff?
What do you mean? We've been drinking tequila for 7 years.
Did I ever ask what's in it?
Nope, you just said it tastes better than it smells.
Let's hope so. At least there's a worm in it. [gasps] I was wrong.
About what?
This tastes worse that it smells. [coughs]
[the next day, ALF is groaning from drinking the tequila he had last night]
Willie, what's that?
I don't know. It sounds like an alien groaning, and groping his way along the hall.
That's what I thought. ALF, what are you doing?
Groaning and groping, and looking for a place to do the technicolor yawn. Ohhh.
What's the matter?
I've been poisoned, Willie. Earth germs. I saw it in "War of the Worlds." Before aliens can destroy the planet, the earth germs get them.
What are you talking about?
My tongue feels hairy.
Your tongue is hairy.
What did you eat?
Just the usual, everything. It's what I drank.
What did you drink?
I think they call it tequila.
You have a hangover.
You shouldn't be drinking.
Hey, I'm over 21. I'm over 221.
You got into the liquor cabinet?
No, Maura got into the liquor cabinet.
You saw her? She saw you?
Yeah, now we're seeing each other. I don't think it's going to work out. She's a booze hag.
[angrily] That is NOT true! I WON'T HAVE YOU INSULTING MY FRIENDS! DO YOU HEAR ME?
Oh boy, do I! This isn't a criticism, Willie. But your wife's voice seems unusually grating this morning.
Drinking is not good.
Tell me about it. I'm off the sauce forever. It's that Hooch Monger you have to worry about.
Will you stop insulting Kate's friend?
What would you call her?
Her name is Maura. It's always been Maura. Except in college, we called her Boilermaker.
She played ball for purdue?
She drank 14 boilermakers in one night. I guess we thought it was funny, at the time.
Kate, I would like to apologize for losing my temper. If you will apologize for what you said about Maura.
Apology accepted and given. If you'll excuse me, I have to drive the porcelain bus. [runs to Kate and Willie's bathroom]
Is he really that hung over?
Apparently. Maybe we ought to what sort of shape Boilermaker is in. I mean Maura. What shape Maura's in.
Boilermaker? Did you say boilermaker?
Yeah, that's what we called her in college.
Why did you call her that?
Because she drank too much. Let's face it, Kate. She still does.
You think that she's an alcoholic?
I don't know. I think you should talk to her.
But, honey. She's so successful, motivated and miserable.
Rough night, last night, huh?
Oh, no rougher than usual.
Maura, I-I-I don't know exactly how to say this, but are you aware of how much you drink?
Well, I drink, but no more than anybody else. I can certainly handle it.
I'm not so sure about that. I think that you might have a little problem with this.
[chuckles] Oh, Kate. Kate, I had a huge fight with my husband. I'm under a lot of pressure at the firm. [outside, ALF hears Maura] It helps me relax, that's all. I don't have a drinking problem. Look, Kate, I had a few drinks last night because I was happy to see everybody. I had one or two more here before I went to bed but that was it!
[comes in the kitchen as he mimicks buzzer] Wrong!
Sammy! Kate, do you see-
She can't see or hear me, Maura. Only you can. I'm your drinking pal, remember?
These quotes come from Wikiquote's ALF pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
