Can I have Willie's meatloaf, Kate?
Fine. If Willie isn't home by midnight, then can I have his meatloaf?
[Willie comes in]
BrianHi, dad.
Can I have your meatloaf?
How was the union meeting?
Well, they elected me picket captain. What does that tell you?
Oh, you're going on strike?
I'm afraid so. Just the thought of it gives me a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach.
Then meatloaf would only make you more queasy. [he was about to grab it but Willie takes his meatloaf away from him]
[Willie is preparing dinner for the family]
Mmm, Brian, w-would you hand me the garlic press?
Brian
What's a garlic press look like?
Well, it-it's right there next to the garlic.
Brian
What's a garlic look like?
Haven't you ever helped your mom in the kitchen?
Brian
Sure, I say, "Mom, it's burning." And she says, "Thanks, Bri."
I promise not to burn the pasta primavera.
Pasta primavera? I thought we were having spaghetti.
It is spaghetti. It's spaghetti with broccoli and peas and zucchini and a light tomato cream sauce.
Well, I like the sauce that Kate opens. How come there's weeds in this salad?
They aren't weeds. That's radicchio.
The whole idea of you cooking is radicchio.
[comes home from school] Hi, everybody.
Oh, hi, honey. You're-you're kinda late getting home.
Yeah, Julie and I stayed after school to protest cheerleading tryouts.
Well, why would you do that?
I was protesting because I think cheerleading is a sexist exploitation of the concept of woman as perennial spectator. Julie was protesting because she was eliminated in the 1st round. Mmm, pasta primavera.
You see? Lynn appreciates my cooking.
Sure, scrape off the vegetables and that pink stuff and it's great. Anything I can do to help?
[looking at the salad] What's this stuff?
[angrily takes the salad away from ALF] Will you stay out of that salad? [he grabs the salad from ALF but the salad flies out of the bowl on Lynn]
Yikes! The radicchio is making a break for it!
ALF, I want you to clean this mess up and I want you to stay out of my way.
Brian
Dad?
Brian
[as he sees the spaghetti overboiling] I think your spaghetti's done.
[Willie tries to get the spaghetti to stop from overboiling, but he burns himself as Kate comes home, he quickly grabs a towel while the spaghetti noodles fly off, then he puts the pot in the sink]
[timer dings]
[Kate comes home from work]
Hi, ALF. Hi, Willie. Willie, um, uh, re-remember the first time that, that I stopped working?
Um-m-m, it was when you were expecting Lynn.
Well, do you remember the second time?
When you were expecting Brian.
Well, you know, I haven't been feeling too great lately and, um, I've been feeling you know, kind of tired.
Well, gosh, honey, you ought to see a doctor.
Willie, you lox! Your wife is telling you she's about to spawn again!
Yeah. Are we. [he and Kate kiss each other]
Great! A new baby! We'll raise him as our own!
Well, he or she will be our own.
Well, as our own. It's not our own. Lynn! Brian! Come here, I want to tell you something!
[he and Kate hug each other] Oh, I love you.
[as she and Brian go to the living room] What's up, dad?
There. There's going to be an addition, to our family.
Brian
We're adopting ALF!
No, it's not that. I'm gonna have a baby.
Oh, mom! That's great! This is so '80s!
Brian
How'd that happen?
We-we'll discuss that later.
I can't believe it! You're gonna be a mother! Brian, get some papers. Lynn, boil some water.
Well, ALF, the baby won't be here for 8 months.
Who's talking about the baby? I want a cup of tea and I want to read the funnies.
[ALF and Brian are preparing to do a magic trick using Kate's hat]
Brian
It's a magic trick we just saw on TV.
It's called "The Two-Layer Pineapple Surprise Cake in a Sun Hat" trick.
We couldn't find Willie's. And now, without further ado, a pinch of yeast and 2 eggs. [puts the eggs inside Kate's hat] 1, 2.
Does mom know you're using her sun hat?
Silence, please! Will the young man with the freckles and the overbite please mix the ingredients.
She doesn't know, does she?
I'm running this trick on a need-to-know basis.
Brian
Is it done?
Perfect! Now cover the hat with the plate as I say the magic words. [Brian covers Kate's hat with a plate] Hacus pacus. Betty Crock-us. [Kate comes in the kitchen] Ta-da! Ladies and gentlemen. ALF's magical 2-layer pineapple surprise, [Brian wants to show the ALF's trick but fails to work leaving Kate's hat ruined and messy] soup.
[ALF comes up with a trick to make Brian disappear as Brian sits inside the box]
Brian
Okay, remember how we saw it on TV? You close the curtain and you spin the box around 3 times.
Ixnay on the spinning. If you puke in that box it can't be returned. [closes the curtain] You alright in there?
Brian
It's alright!
Thank you, Junior Wences. I'll say the magic words. Alakazoo, alakazam. I'll show you what a hack I am. [he makes Brian disappear] Brian? Yo, B, you in there? Yes! Yes! I came, I saw I demolecularized. I can do magic! Uh-oh, now I'll make you reappear, B. Um. Uh, abracadabra, alakazam, I'm a better magician than I thought I am! [he thinks a rabbit appear in the box] Uh-oh. A glitch in the finale. Uh, alakazam. Oh, no. Uh, I vaporized the boy. Kate and Willie will not be pleased. Especially since Willie told me not to do any more tricks. Oh, wait a minute. I smell a conspiracy here. I also smell 8 rabbits cooped up in a garage. [he gets grossed out by 8 rabbits]
Brian
[returns back home after hiding in the car by ALF] Hi, ALF.
How did you do that? You didn't even move your little rabbit lips.
Brian
Rabbit lips?
Brian, you're not a rabbit!
[as he and Kate found him] Oh, Brian!
Brian
Hi, dad.
Brian
I was hiding in the car. But I got hungry.
Why were you hiding in the car?
Brian
I wanted ALF to think he made me disappear so he wouldn't think he's a bad magician.
Oh! Oh, honey. It was nice of you not to want ALF to feel bad but we were very, very worried about you.
Yeah! I thought I turned you into a rabbit.
Brian
Sorry, mom, dad. Sorry, ALF. I guess I messed up the trick.
That's okay, Bri. Now you can clean up your own pellets.
[ALF burps after having his dinner]
Brian
Stomach number 4?
3. Number 4 still hasn't digested that Reebok.
[arrives home] Hi, everyone.
Gentlemen, start your enzymes.
Don't tell me. That new guy at work held you up again.
Yeah. Once that Jim starts talking to us, it's impossible to get away. This time I actually had my hand on the car door before he got me.
Who is this guy? The idiot son of the boss?
Well, you better not be late tomorrow night. Or have you forgotten about helping me Put up the satellite dish?
Oh. I ordered a satellite dish. It'll be here tomorrow. Will you help me put it up?
I'll help you send it back.
Can't. I bought it during their "Absolutely No Refunds What Are You Deaf?" sale.
[panicking] Absolutely no refunds?!
[at the end, the family gives ALF a homemade medal for his bravery]
For meritorious service above and beyond the call of duty we hereby present to you the Tanner Medal of Honor.
Brian
Yay, ALF!
Shucks, folks. I'm speechless, almost. 11 score and 12 years ago. [reads from a book] My parents brought forth a new hero conceived in a De Soto, and dedicated-
[interrupted ALF's reading] ALF. ALF, wrap it up or we take the medal back.
As God as my witness I'll never be hungry again. Thank you. [the family claps for him] And now, Kate, how about making me a hero sandwich? [laughs, but he hides under the table as Trevor knocks on the door]
[Willie opens the door and finds Trevor cover by ALF's trap]
You got something I could cut Raquel down with?
I think there's something in the garage. I'll help you.
If you don't want people taking avocados from your tree just say so. [he and Willie leave the house]
[gets up as Kate stares at him] Last trap, I promise.
Remember, Kate, I like my waffles crisp, yet al dente. Cooked to a golden amber, and served piping hot on a gently warmed plate. [Kate puts the waffle on his plate] How does she do it?
Do you want some maple syrup, ALF?
On waffles? How gauche. Get me the garlic salt?
Guess what? The car won't start again.
Brian
You just got it fixed.
3 times in 2 weeks. Every time they fix 1 thing, something else goes wrong.
Well, I don't get it. Why keep spending money on something that doesn't work and causes nothing but aggravation?
Somehow we've gotten used to it. [ALF burps] Sort of.
Speaking of aggravation we're out of garlic salt.
[from outside] Hey, Tanners! Guess who?
Let me take a stab. It's the wacky next door neighbor. [hides under the table]
Hi, Willie. Hi, Kate. Hi, kids.
I just stopped by to see if you needed a ride to work again.
Well, as a matter of fact, I do. My car won't start again.
You should let Jake take a look at it. Kid could fix anything, has my car running like Florence Joyner. Oh, by the way, Jake will be doing the driving this morning. I hope you don't mind.
I didn't know Jake could drive.
He just got his learner's permit. I'm teaching him. Kid's a natural. 5 days he's been driving, hasn't hit a living thing. We'll bring the car out front.
[hiding under the table] Yo, Lynn, you could use a pedicure. [Lynn kicks him from under the table] Ow!
[Willie and Brian are in the kitchen cleaning up after Kate's baby shower]
Brian
Dad, why do they call these cold cuts?
Oh, I don't know. Because they're cold and they're cut, I guess. Cold cuts. Uh, I don't know.
Brian
Well, what would you call them if you heated them up?
I don't know. I don't know nothing.
[comes in] Uh, hi, Mr. Tanner. Hi, squirt.
Brian
Hi, Jake.
Not wrong exactly. More like missing.
What, did you lose something?
Look, I can't come right out and tell you. I said I wouldn't, then I got honor. You name some stuff that could be missing, and I'll tell you whether you're hot or cold.
Brian
ALF.
Brian
I win.
How do you know he's missing?
My room. Top of the stairs, second door on your right.
[Willie drops the tray on the table and runs out to pick up ALF from the Ochmoneks house]
[reading a note] Dear family, my imaginary blackmailer called again tonight and threatened to send you all to the imaginary slammer if I don't pay up. I would rather be turned into cream chip beef than to see you go to jail because of me. You're welcome. Anyway, I had to take, the car.
[reading a note] Tell Willie to calm down. I'll leave the car on Highway 71 just outside Edwards Air Force Base. Don't worry, nobody will want to steal it.
Brian
ALF's joining the air force?
That's where the Alien Task Force is.
Brian
[sees his burned history book in the sink] My history book is history.
My life is history. I'm an accursed Melmackian. I belong in the realm of the- Gosh darned.
Ours was a polite society.
Brian
I don't get it. Why is it bad luck to destroy a history book?
Because Melmacians have a great respect for books. If you destroy a history book, you cheat future generations out of knowledge of the past.
That's rather deep for a planet whose motto was "Are you going to finish that sandwich?"
Wait. I don't make fun of your stupid planet. Electoral college.
How long is this curse thing supposed to last?
I'm looking at 7 years of bad luck followed by 7 years of really bad luck.
[ALF and Brian are looking at a book about animals]
Brian
What's this one called?
Brian
It's ugly.
Bri, I'm looking for a pet, Not a date to the prom.
[walks over to ALF and Brian] What are you guys looking at?
Brian
It's a book about animals of the world. ALF's trying to decide which one he wants to get for a pet.
But you told me never to play with my food!
Why does anyone want a pet? The ultimate in power trips.
Brian
Bugs him that I'm taller than he is now.
Well, power trips aside, there's no room in this house for another pet, just at the moment.
Precisely why I'm leaning towards a pet we could keep outside. I.E. you're basic barnyard horse. Here's the '89 Mustang.
We won't be getting a horse or any other barnyard. Type animal, for that matter, thank you.
Let's wait until after dinner, to broach the buffalo.
[ALF is in the kitchen tying knots]
What are you doing? Tying a slip knot, but I can't get it to not slip.
Say, that's not my good string, is it?
Willie, If you have good string. You've got to get out more.
Brian? It's 10 to 7:00. We're going to be late for the scout meeting.
Brian
[comes in] Coming, dad.
Don't tell me, Willie. You made a few calls and got him into the national guard.
Must you make that joke every time you see Brian in his uniform?
Well, I think you look great, B.
Brian
Thanks, dad.
Seeing you in that uniform really takes me back.
You were a badger scout? I mean, you went outside and everything?
There has been more to my life than going to work, you know.
I know. You also take off your glasses and rub your nose a lot.
I was a badger scout for 4 years. I earned 11 badges, and I received an award in fire prevention, which has proven far more useful than I ever would have dreamed possible. Brian. Let's go.
Brian
These aren't very good knots, ALF.
Stop badgering me, you little badger.
Brian
Bye, ALF.
Bye. Car keys. [as he leaves with the keys, the tablecloth comes off because ALF tied the keys to it]
ALF · 397 quotes
