Brian Tanner quotes from ALF

Willie, present your evidence.

The case is simple. We have here a broken window, and a defendant with a long, long history of reckless behavior. Starting with the day he crashed his spaceship into our garage.

Name 12 more.

To name 12 more. He set a fire in the camper, he chopped up our Christmas tree, he wrecked the toaster, he ripped that painting, he dug up the backyard, he stole a car, he buried my piano, I think that was the thing hurt me the most, he got me arrested, he used our credit cards, excessively and illegally, he short circuited the television, terrorized the cat, and he blew up the kitchen. It's not hard to imagine, that such a person would, could, and infect did kick a football through the Ochmonek's window.

Brian

Brilliant!

S2 E14 Can I Get a Witness?

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[ALF is decorating a party as Kate comes home with the groceries]

ALF, what is going on here?

We're celebrating. Uncle Albert is gone.

He left without saying goodbye?

It was rather sudden.

Kate. Kate. [he hugs her]

Where are my peaches?

Is it true about Uncle Albert?

Well, apparently so. I mean, talk about the perfect guest. He came, he was nice and he left before we got tired of him.

Oh, Kate, please.

Hey, come on, man! Lighten up. Here, have a hat.

Have you no respect for the dead?

Dead? ALF, you said Uncle Albert was gone.

You thought he left?

Oh, my God.

What happened? ALF, exactly what happened?

Well, I was in the tent watching TV.

He saw you?

Yeah. I offered him one of Kate's cookies, but he keeled over. Hey, don't take it personally. Some people just don't have a sweet tooth. Speaking of which, did you get those canned peaches, Willie? I need to finish basting the deceased. [Willie walks away] Hey, hey, let the guy marinate in peace!

Brian

[as he comes home from school] Hey! Are we having a party?

I'm trying to.

This isn't a party.

Sure it is! It's just like a birthday party only someone else has to blow out the candles.

It's, it's true.

Hey, come on. Don't blame yourself, Willie. Gosh, if anyone killed Uncle Albert, it was me.

S2 E15 We're So Sorry, Uncle Albert

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[prepares for Jodi's arrival by moving all the furniture in the living room into a pile] Perfect. [lamp crashes] Almost perfect.

What was that crash?

A lamp fell off the furniture.

That leads to my next 2 questions. A, what was the lamp doing on a pile of furniture? And B. Why is the furniture in a pile?

Well, aren't you forgetting C? What are we having for lunch?

[Kate and Lynn comes to the living room, shocked]

Who piled up all the furniture? ALF, why did you pile up all the furniture?

I stacked it to get it out of Jody's way.

She'll be safe as long as she stays out of the falling-lamp zone.

ALF, let's, let's rethink this. Jody lived in an apartment. Jody had furniture. Jody walked around the furniture.

See Jody. See Jody run. Run, Jody, run.

See the furniture. See the alien move the furniture back. Move, alien, move.

See the alien throw out his back. See the alien blame the Tanners. Lawsuit, Tanners, lawsuit.

Brian

[arrives home] I think the Jodster's here.

Okay, everyone, stay calm.

We are calm.

Well, then, show some enthusiasm.

[knocks and arrives at the Tanners] Excuse me, I'm not sure I have the right house. I'm looking for-

Jod-meister!

[chuckles] This is the place. [as she hears the car honking] Uh, it's okay. Thanks.

Come on in, Jody. I'm Willie.

Oh, the patriarch of the Tanner clan.

Sounds good to me. And-and this is my wife, Kate.

Hello.

Kate, hi.

And-and this is Lynn and Brian.

Hi, nice to meet you.

You too.

Brian

Hi.

Jody, run around. You won't bump into anything.

[chuckles] Oh. Well, I-I hope you didn't go to the trouble of rearranging the furniture.

It was no trouble. It was fun.

It'll be even more fun putting it back.

Oh, well, then you could do it.

Thanks for letting me stay here. I hate to impose, but I-I didn't know what else to do.

Well, you're not imposing.

No. We're glad you're here.

And stay as long as you like.

Brian

Yeah, ALF did.

S2 E18 We Gotta Get Out of This Place

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[while cutting the plants] This is pretty hefty punishment for breaking 1 measly chimney.

Brian

Hey ALF, watch this! [throws a stick to the ground]

Interesting.

Brian

It's a dog.

I could see that, but it wrecked your stick trick. What was supposed to happen?

Brian

That was it. That's how you play fetch.

Fascinating game. Right up there with watching golf.

Brian

You wanna throw one? Alright. What harm could it do?

[ALF throws the stick to the Ochmoneks' backyard]

[comes in] Hi.

Hi.

What are the chances that the crash I just heard was the Ochmoneks breaking their own window?

Brian

Slim and none. And slim is out of town.

Where did this dog come from?

Brian

She followed me home from school.

[offscreen] Hey, Tanner!

ALF, you better hide whilst I, once again, take the blame for something you did.

Thanks, Willie. You're a prince.

I'm a king.

[comes to the Tanners' backyard] Good afternoon, guys. Does this look familiar to anyone?

Oh, gee, I'm sorry, Trevor. B-Brian and I were, we were just, sort of, play. It's $20, right?

80.

$80?

Yeah, I'm putting in Plexiglas this time. It'll be cheaper for you in the long run.

Good planning.

Thanks.

Well, I'll see ya. [ALF pops his head out] So long, Trevor. [Trevor leaves the Tanners' backyard] She sure is a pretty dog.

Brian

Can we keep her?

Yeah, Willie. Can we, huh?

No, I don't know. I'm sure she's got an owner somewhere.

Brian

Can't we just keep her until we find the owner?

Well, I guess so. As long as it's okay with your mom.

Oh, goody, goody, goody, goody!

Brian

I didn't know you liked dogs.

What's not to like? They're loyal, obedient, they hate cats. [the dog growls] And those who eat them!

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BMrs. Buttonwood

[arrives at the Tanners to look for Alfina] Where is he?

Where's who?

BMrs. Buttonwood

My dog. That's who. You found him, didn't you?

Well, yes, we did. I mean, that is to say we found a dog.

BMrs. Buttonwood

He's mine. Where is he?

Brian

It's not a he. She's a she.

BMrs. Buttonwood

I knew that. Is that her?

Don't you recognize her?

BMrs. Buttonwood

Of course, I do. Come here, dog!

[Alfina growls]

She doesn't seem to be responding to you.

BMrs. Buttonwood

We had a fight! She'll get over it.

Uh, do you suppose and, uh, mind you, this is just a thought, that you might be mistaken about this being your dog?

BMrs. Buttonwood

I lost a dog. You found a dog. Can we do business or not?

I think not.

BMrs. Buttonwood

[gives Willie her a note] Here's my address and telephone number in case you change your mind.

[quietly] Okay.

BMrs. Buttonwood

[yelling] HAVE A NICE DAY!

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[opens the door revealing it's Hannah] Hi, can I help you?

HHannah

I came to get my dog.

Oh, okay, come on in.

HHannah

This is her. This is my dog, Francesca. Can I have her back, please?

Sure.

Oh, uh, no, wait. Um, before we give her to you we have to make sure she is your dog.

HHannah

Oh, she's my dog, alright. She's brown and white and shaggy, and she does tricks.

What kind of tricks?

HHannah

The wrong tricks. Like, when I tell her to sit up and beg she rolls over and plays dead.

That's her, alright.

HHannah

My dad taught her that. He has a weird sense of humor.

Brian

[comes to the living room] I can't find Alfina anywhere.

HHannah

Who's Alfina?

Oh, we have a little problem. Uh.

HHannah

Hannah.

Hannah. I'm Mr. Tanner. This is my wife, Mrs. Tanner.

Hello.

And these are the Tanner siblings, Brian, Lynn.

LBLynn and Brian

Hi.

Um, Hannah is here to pick up her dog. Uh-oh. Where is she? Actually, we don't know where she is just at the moment.

HHannah

Oh, no. I have to sit down.

Oh, please.

You know, we did find your dog. I mean, Brian found your dog. It's just that she seems to have, wandered off.

Oh, Hannah. No, don't cry. We'll help you find your dog.

And if we can't, I can think of a suitable replacement.

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Brian

Why did you give Alfina to that mean lady?

Sorry.

Brian

I'm not playing with you anymore, ever! [Willie comes in] Dad, where's Alfina?

I'm sorry, Brian. I couldn't get her back.

Brian

Why not?

Mrs. Buttonwood only wanted the dog so she could get $500 from the real owner.

Brian

It's all your fault, ALF! [runs off]

He's right. I got us into this. I'll get us out. Willie, can I borrow $500,000? I'll give it back to you next payday.

You don't have a job.

I meant your next payday.

Stay out of this. You're in enough hot water!

So what's a little more?

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[ALF is sitting in the kitchen wearing shades and staring at a sunlamp]

[walks over to him] What are you doing?

[with a sunlamp in front of his head] Oh, soaking up rays, Babe. Your sunlamp's not working. I've been sitting here for 5 hours, Nada.

5 hours? ALF, you're lucky you didn't get a sunburn. [she touches ALF as ALF screams] Sorry.

Aah, oh, it hurts, it hurts.

[takes the sunlamp away from ALF] Well, would you like some cold cream?

Yeah, but just one scoop, I'm on a diet.

It's for your nose.

That's where I'm trying to lose the weight.

ALF, I'm talking about cold cream. Not ice cream. Cold cream. You understand?

You're talking like they're 2 different things.

They are! Haven't you been listening?

What is this, healing through hollering?

[Brian comes in the kitchen after he had a school fight]

Brian, what happened?

Yeah, you look terrible.

Brian

I was in a fight.

Looking like that? Yeesh!

S2 E20 Hit Me With Your Best Shot

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[while teaching Brian karate] After this lesson, You'll never get beat up at school again.

Brian

I'm not going to school anymore.

Don't say that. School's important. If you dropout, don't get anywhere in life. You'll hang around the house all day eating and watching TV.

Brian

But I want to be like you.

I don't know whether to laugh or cry. Alright, now, the trick here is to concentrate all your energy and let it explode in a blinding flash of destruction. Watch. [does a karate move and hits the board] Hee-yah!

Brian

Alright!

Well, that never worked before.

Brian

Do it again.

Okay. [does another karate move but his hand doesn't break the board] Hee-yah! I guess there's only pain when you don't break the board. Unbelievable pain.

[comes in the garage] Hey, Brian. You-your mother told me what happened. Are you okay?

Brian

Yeah, ALF's teaching me the martial arts.

I don't want you teaching my son to fight, ALF.

Call an ambulance.

I'm serious, ALF.

Oh, and I'm not? I broke my hand.

Wha.. Let me see if that. [looks at ALF's hand] It looks fine.

Thank you, Professor X-ray.

It's fine, ALF.

It's fine. Oh. Hey, that feels good. Could you do my shoulders?

You know, ALF, if you really wanna help, you'd teach him not to fight.

Well, he already knows how to do that. Look at his face.

Excuse me, ALF, I know where of I speak. You see, when I was about Brian's age there was a bully who lived on our block who was always picking on me.

Where of? Sorry. I'm still fascinated by the oddities of the English language.

Anyway, this bully, his name was Clarence...

Oh-ha! Tough neighborhood. [he laughs but he hits his hand again]

Every day, I'd try to stand up to him and every day he'd beat me up. Until finally my father told me to just turn the other cheek.

Brian

Is this the same grandfather that talked to corn chips?

He was a wise man. And, see, you know what happened? When I refused to fight Clarence stopped bothering me. You see, it's no fun to pick on someone who won't fight back. So tomorrow, Bobby comes up to you if he starts teasing you. I want you to just walk away, okay?

Brian

Okay.

Willie, my hand still hurts. Kiss it? [Willie kisses his hand] Whoa. How continental.

S2 E20 Hit Me With Your Best Shot

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[on the phone] I love you too, mom. Buh-bye. [hangs up the phone] Why are those boards in the fireplace?

ALF said, if you can't break 'em, burn 'em.

ALF!

[pops up from the kitchen] Boing!

ALF, we are not going to let you burn perfectly good lumber.

Oh, right, one of these days Willie's gonna build that gazebo.

[Brian comes home from school and tries to hide his face from Lynn]

Brian, what's wrong?

Brian

[after getting beaten up again] Nothing. See you tomorrow.

[stops Brian from leaving] Oh, no, not again.

Brian!

Brian

Hi, dad. Bobby beat me up again.

Oh, no.

Brian

I tried to walk away, like you said. But he was sitting on me at the time.

Let me get the first aid kit. [takes Brian to the kitchen] Come on, Bri, let me clean you up.

Alright! That's it! I say we fight violence with violence. That's how we used to solve things back home.

But ALF, don't you remember what happened to your planet?

Well, it blew up in a nuclear holocaust. Why?

Don't you see the connection?

What connection?

I give up.

Me too. I'm gonna lay down. My head is spinning. Maybe a cold cream sundae. [walks off]

Brian

You should have heard what Bobby said.

Did he insult me again?

Brian

No. Dad.

What did he say about me?

Brian

He said you must have been desperate to marry someone like mom.

I'm glad to see he's off my case.

Did he say anything about me?

Brian

Yeah. He said you were cute.

Does he know I'm mom's daughter?

[serious] This isn't funny! I'm sorry, Bri, but I'm afraid I'm gonna have to call Bobby's mother.

Save your dialing finger, Kate. She's not home. She went down to the liquor store.

Who told you that?

Bobby's father. Oh, by the way, he's coming over here to beat the stuffing out of Willie.

What? Why?

Well, he didn't like the way you talked to him on the phone.

ALF, I thought we agreed that you'd stop impersonating me on the phone.

We agreed I would stop impersonating the cast of Green Acres. [imitating] Although, Mr. Haney could have sold Brian some revivifying potion out of the back of his truck.

ALF, what did I say, to Bobby's father?

You were a bit rough actually. It was so unlike you.

What did he say to me?

He said that. He was gonna turn your face into silly putty. Hey, look at the bright side you'll be able to reproduce the Sunday comics.

[the doorbell rings]

Brian

That might be Bobby's dad.

I'm outta here. Hey, and don't worry, Willie we won't let them keep you alive artificially. [hides away as Willie and Kate leave the kitchen]

S2 E20 Hit Me With Your Best Shot

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Oh, ALF.

[pops up] Could you get those two back in here? They didn't even check the bathroom. I loosened every third tile.

This is not the worst thing you've ever done. This is the 15th worst thing you've ever done.

What was number 9?

What possible reason could you have had for this?

Nobody wants to move, including you.

How do you know that?

Because you're a social worker.

What's that got to do with anything-

Follow me, Willie. I'm trying to be linear. Well, one could define social worker as a person who performs work for the social good, couldn't one?

Yes.

Well, then how come all you're doing is playing musical parking spaces and firing guys?

You know, I also have to find a shortstop for the office softball team.

Just tell me this. Why are we moving out of a house we do like so you can keep a job you don't like?

I don't know.

I win.

[comes in her and Willie's room] ALF, how could you-

No, no, hold-hold on, Kate. Before we give ALF the 15th worst scolding he's ever had I think there's something you ought to know. [Brian and Lynn come in Willie and Kate's room] Brian, Lynn, Kate, how would you all feel if I asked for my old job back and we just stayed in this house?

Brian

Yay!

Oh, do you mean it, dad?

Of course, umm, I-I'm not gonna have that raise, you know?

Forget it, we'll move. Sorry. A momentary attack of shallowness. I'm over it.

Well, honey, y-you worked so hard for this promotion. What made you change your mind?