Ooh, ham and eggs! Thanks, Kate.
Oh, no, ALF, these are for everyone.
Actually, I'm in the mood for oatmeal.
I think I'm gonna get something at work.
I'm gonna have to change my shirt.
[as he hears a knock on the door] Who is it?
[from outside] It's me Jake.
Joy. That's twice my appetite's been killed.
Hey, morning, Jake kiboody. What brings you over?
Aunt Raquel and uncle Trevor have been fighting again.
What was it about this time? Allow me. Raquel thinks Trevor's a slob, That he doesn't appreciate her, and some other female paranoia nonsense. [the Tanners glare at him] Hey, you crawl under people's houses, you hear things.
Hey Jake. Would you like to join us for breakfast?
[from outside] Hey, Tanners, it's me!
Oh, great. Pig outus interruptus.
Oh, come on in, Trevor. Well, what's up?
Eh, nothing much, and even if there was, I'm not the kind of guy that would burden you with my problems. Raquel just threw me out.
Somehow she got the ridiculous idea that she doesn't love me anymore.
So, are you, uh, looking for a place to stay, Trevor? [ALF hits him with a fork] Ow! Leg cramp.
I don't know where I'm gonna stay. Do you know anybody that would kindly put me up for the night?
Well. [ALF hits him with a fork again] Ow!
[she kicks ALF from under the table] You can stay here, Trevor.
Oh, well, thanks. I'll be right back. Come on, Jake. Help me pick my clothes off the lawn.
[after he gets up from under the table] Where does that freeloading sloth get off crashing our party?
I don't know, ALF. Why don't you have a sloth-to-sloth talk with him?
[comes in, angrily] THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR HUMILIATING ME IN FRONT OF THE ENTIRE NEIGHBORHOOD!
What do you mean, Raquel?
Calling everybody about Trevor and me. JUST BECAUSE I OCCASIONALLY MAKE OTHER PEOPLE'S BUSINESS MY BUSINESS DOESN'T MEAN MY BUSINESS IS ANY OF THEIR BUSINESS, SO WOULD YOU MIND MINDING YOUR OWN BUSINESS?
Well, I certainly didn't tell anyone. I know Kate wouldn't tell anyone. You didn't tell anyone, did you, Kate?
Well, somebody told the Metcalfs, the Polmanskis, the Montenegros, the Gans, the Luskatuffs, the Metzgers, the Fetzgers, the Schmitkys, the Kipkys, the Feins, the Steins, the Limbecks, the Willards, the Hogans, the Logans, and the Kogans. SO THE NEXT TIME THAT YOU WANT TO DRAG SOMEBODY'S DIRTY LAUNDRY THROUGH THE SUBURBAN MUD, TRY YOUR OWN. OR BETTER YET, MRS. HOLBUTS. SHE JUST HAD A NOSE JOB, YOU KNOW. [furiously leaves the house]
[Willie comes in the garage and confronts ALF for calling the neighborhood about Trevor and Raquel]
Do these names ring a bell? The Metcalfs, the Polmanskis, the Montenegros, the Gans, the Luskatuffs, the Metzgers, the Fetzgers, the Schmitkys, the Kipkys, the Feins, the Steins, the Limbecks, the Willards, the Hogans, the Logans, and the Kogans?
Before I pull every hair out of your neck, I want to ask you something. Did you call those people and tell them about Trevor and Raquel?
I decline to answer on the grounds that I need my neck hair.
[angrily] YOU JUST MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS, ALF!
In other words, you disapprove of what I've done.
Wholeheartedly. I know that this is an inconvenience for all of us, but what you're doing is just making things worse.
You're right, Willie. How could I have been so blind? You know, I've only been thinking of myself.
You're not just saying this because of that neck hair business?
No, no, I mean it. I've seen the error of my ways and will Endeavor to do better.
No. Thank you, Willie. Thank you. [he and Willie look at each other for a few seconds before Willie goes out, then he uses the phone to call another number] Hello? I would like to order flowers for Raquel Ochmonek.
Willie, did you know that there are 9,875 little dots on this ceiling?
[as he is knocking on the door from outside] Hey, Tanner, you in there?
Uh, yeah. Just a second. [he snaps his fingers]
I've had it. I've had it. I refuse to budge 1 inch. [Willie covers him with a big box] Aah! I suppose you think you're clever.
What's the idea sending these flowers to my wife?
Oh, what's the matter, Trevor?
Don't play innocent with me. You thought by not sending a card, I wouldn't know who they were from.
Well, wait a minute. If there was no card, what makes you think they were from me?
I called the florist. He said they were charged to your credit card. Anybody who would spend $79.95 on another man's wife, plus tax and delivery, is looking for trouble!
There must be some mistake.
Hey, Tanner, the only mistake I made was trusting you. If I ever catch you near my wife again, I'm moving out of your house.
Is there a chance that you heard any of that?
Well, I've heard enough. Does Kate know you have a thing for Raquel?
You sent those flowers, didn't you?
Hey, I took a shot. It obviously didn't work, but I've got another plan that's foolproof.
[angrily] Stay out of this! Entire- [in a calm voice as Jake comes in] I'm just going now. I'm going to try and straighten things out with Trevor, and when I come back, we'll be talking neck hair. [leaves the garage]
We gotta find a way to get my aunt and uncle back together.
Too late, Jake. I can't help ya. I promised Willie I'd stay out of it.
Fine. Fine. Just stand on the sidelines And watch me be packed off To live with another bunch of itinerant Ochmoneks, never to be heard from again. Believe it or not, Aunt Raquel and Uncle Trevor are the best of the lot.
Are you trying to con me into helping you?
What'll it take to put you over the top?
You come up with donuts, I'll come up with the idea. That's the deal.
[as he leaves the bedroom] Yo what?
What is it? It's a crumpled piece of paper with writing on it.
That's the poem that your uncle Trevor wrote to me last year When we renewed our wedding vows.
Oh, uh, read it, aunt Raquel.
[while reading the poem] To Raquel, the most wonderful woman in the world. You're the meaning of my life. You're the inspiration. You bring meaning to my life. You're the inspiration. I want to have you near me. I want to have you hear me saying, No one needs you more than I need you.
You threw that away? Don't you know how long it took me to write that? You didn't write that.
It's from a song by Chicago.
I mean it took me a long time to write it down.
Do you think I'm stupid, Trevor? I knew you didn't write this poem.
Why didn't you call me on it? Because it didn't matter.
What mattered was, is that you gave it to me!
Raquel, I meant every word I stole. I'm sorry. I'm just trying to tell you that I still love you, Raquel.
More than arena football?
I should know better than to try to change you.
Take me back, Raquel, hmm? I promise I'll try not to be a slob. Although in all fairness, you did know I was raised in a barn. [he and Raquel kiss each other and sit on the bed]
[ALF hears a strange noise from under the bed]
What was that? [Stomping.]
Ah! Leg cramp! Uh, why don't we all go get uncle Trevor's stuff?
Good idea! Raquel, I'll carry the moose head. [gets up]
