ALFCake. Cake. Cake. Cake. Cake. Cake. Cake! Cake! Cake! Cake--
We're saving it for Jake.
ALF
Okay. [pause] He's not coming. Let's eat.
ALF
The kid's probably going up the river as we speak. They'll put him in solitary, feed him bread and water, topped by a delicious piece of chocolate- [Kate moves the cake] cake.
Jake may have some problems, but he's not going to be sent to prison.
ALF
Tell that to my cousin, Pretty Boy Shumway. He lived on the south side of Melmac. The baddest part of the planet. If he didn't like your shoes. [points at Willie, imitating machine gun sound] "ak-ak-ak-ak-ak."
You mean he'd shoot a person just because he didn't like his shoes?
ALF
No. He'd just point at you and go, "Ak-ak-ak-ak-ak."
[comes in] Mr. Ochmonek called and said Jake won't come over.
He just hollered through my window.
ALF
Alright! Let's eat.
Would you like some cake?
[ALF and Jake get ready to meet each other]
Get away from me! Just stay away from me!
ALF
Wait! You can't leave. They'll think I broke the telescope.
Okay, I'll fix it. Just don't bite me.
ALF
Bite you? That's a good idea. I'll bite you, if you don't fix this. [snaps jaws]
Alright! Just don't tell my aunt and uncle I was taking it.
ALF
On 1 condition. You fix this telescope, and don't tell anyone about me.
That's 2 conditions. [ALF growls] Alright! You've got a deal. What are you, anyway?
ALF
I'm an alien from the planet Melmac. I have powers that you can only dream about.
ALF
[thinks for a moment] I can watch television for 10 hours straight and not get up to go the bathroom.
You're the weirdest thing I've ever seen.
ALF
You should see me with my hair wet.
Do the Tanners know about you?
ALF
Yeah, they know all about me. Well, they don't know that I've had liposuction. Where'd you learn to fix telescopes? Cal tech?
No, my dad taught me. We used to find things in the trash and fix them. My dad could fix anything, especially horse races.
ALF
Wild guess. That's why he's in jail?
ALF
Wow! You're good! And fast!
ALF
No big deal? On Melmac, we only had one guy who knew how to fix things. They put him on display in a zoo, but the cage door was broken, so he walked away.
Good story. Is it okay if I go now?
ALF
Yeah, but remember our deal. You can't tell anyone about me.
Hey, don't worry. I live by the Ochmonek code. We don't squeal or tip.
ALF
The name's ALF.
ALF
Bye.
[opens the window and finds ALF from outside] What are you doing here?
ALF
I bought over a few things for you to fix. [handing Jake some stuff for him to fix] Here's a tape recorder's got fur stuck in it. I don't know how that happen.
ALF
I tried to puree a rock. It didn't work.
[offscreen] Jake? Are you talking to someone?
ALF
Welcome to Monday Night Football.
ALF
Live from New York, it's Saturday-
ALF
Click! Can you fix all this stuff?
My motto is if I can't fix it, it ain't broken.
ALF
My motto is I broke it.
My dad's motto is I broke into it.
ALF
[laughs] Hey, hey! You're pretty funny for a delinquent. [pause] I love this male bonding. What do you say we go out back and throw a cat on the Barbie? Just a thought. [he leaves from the window]
Great meal, mom, what's for dessert?
ALF
You can't have dessert, until all the other food has been served.
All the other food has been served.
ALF
That's it? One measly ham? Why did I work up an appetite playing football?
Who were you playing football with?
ALF
And I won. In overtime.
You didn't trample my flower garden, did you?
ALF
Don't worry, I tip-toed through your tulips.
Let's me see your feet. Feet! [she checks ALF's foot cover with her flowers] You tip-toed through my tulips, but demolished my daisies.
ALF
Don't worry, I high-tailed it past your hyacinths. Your turn. [doorbell rings] I'll get it.
Thank you, Lynn. Now, where were we ALF?
ALF
Well, if I remember correctly, you were about to give me a foot massage.
ALF
Yes?
ALF
No problem. Kate, I'm sorry about your flowers. Please accept these along with my apologies.
ALF
I washed them in Desenex.
ALF, where is our football?
ALF
Behind your back.
[shows ALF the football] Raquel said it broke her window.
ALF
That's ridiculous! Footballs don't break windows, people do.
ALF
Me, I broke nothing, I swear.
You broke those plates when you throw the football through my kitchen window.
ALF
Oh, like that's relevant.
ALF, how did this football get into the Ochmoneks' backyard?
ALF
Well, I have a theory.
ALF
Alright. See, I was standing near the fence. I kicked the football, it went up but it never came back down.
ALF
Well, isn't it obvious? Gravity failure. Explanation 2, what happened-
[interrupts ALF and comes to the living room] What did ALF do this time?
ALF
Nothing.
Somebody broke the Ochmoneks' window and we're trying to figure out who it was.
Say, it wasn't you, was it Brian?
Brian dear, this is very important!
ALF
Hey, if the kid said he didn't do it, he didn't do it. Stop with the 3rd degree.
Fine. If he didn't do it, that makes you the prime suspect.
ALF
Brian dear, this is very important. Did you break the window?
ALF
Huh? Who could it have been?
Alright, that's it. You're not watching TV for 1 month.
ALF
Why, what did I do? You can't punish me without just cause. I demand a trial.
There's no need for a trial, forget the trial.
ALF
So you do think I'm guilty. You're punishing an innocent alien.
Yeah, dad, my teacher said everyone's innocent until proven guilty.
Okay, fine. ALF gets his trial. I'll be the judge.
ALF
Oh, no offense, Willie, but I prefer a fair trial.
What you trust mom to be the judge?
ALF
Without hesitation.
I'm not gonna be the judge, and there's not gonna be a trial.
ALF
Look, I know my rights. I want my day in court and that's that! If I'm found guilty, I'll take the month with no TV.
Okay, we'll have a trial tomorrow morning after breakfast.
ALF
Fine, whatever you say, your honor. I respect your judgment and I'm not just saying that.
ALF
I'm not kissing up. I'm innocent. Why should I have to kiss up? By the way, I love what you've done with your hair.
ALF
I'm stopped. It's stopped. You're right. You're brilliant. She's brilliant. She's really is. She's brilliant. No more kissing up. Not if she doesn't want me to kiss up. I wouldn't kiss up to the judge. Nuh-uh. [goes to the kitchen]
Willie, present your evidence.
The case is simple. We have here a broken window, and a defendant with a long, long history of reckless behavior. Starting with the day he crashed his spaceship into our garage.
ALF
Name 12 more.
To name 12 more. He set a fire in the camper, he chopped up our Christmas tree, he wrecked the toaster, he ripped that painting, he dug up the backyard, he stole a car, he buried my piano, I think that was the thing hurt me the most, he got me arrested, he used our credit cards, excessively and illegally, he short circuited the television, terrorized the cat, and he blew up the kitchen. It's not hard to imagine, that such a person would, could, and infect did kick a football through the Ochmonek's window.
ALF
[while watching 3 TVs] Yeah, yeah! Oh, don't be fool. You're not the father. Buy a vowel.
ALF
Watching TVs.
Turn two of those off. You're wasting electricity. [turns both TVs off]
ALF
Hey, you owe me. You made me feel like a criminal, you've scarred me for life, and now you want to take away my TV's? At long last, "Will-De-Beast," Have you no sense of decency?
ALF, how long are you going to push this guilt trip?
ALF
I was thinking 'til after Christmas.
ALF
Hey Willie, while you're in there, could you check on my 3 TV dinners. [Willie goes to the kitchen while ALF laughs] Oh, yeah!
ALF
Willie, we voted fair and square. Uncle Albert stays in the tent.
No, you're staying in the tent, ALF.
ALF
I don't want to sleep out here. This place is swarming with armored leeches.
ALF
I don't care if they're hunchback slugs. I'm not sleeping out here.
ALF, we always make you stay in the garage. I thought sleeping in a tent would be a nice change of pace.
ALF
Yeah, listen. Since Uncle Albert is such a pain, why don't you just tell the guy to bug off?
Oh, I can't do that ALF. He's family.
ALF
Fine. Now you're stuck with an unwanted house guest.
Isn't it strange how that pattern keeps repeating itself?
ALF
Why? Kate's mother is coming too?
Let's just put up the tent.
ALF
Fine. Why is it taking so long?
[he takes away the tape measure away from ALF and shakes his glasses] It's taking so long because you keep undoing everything I'm doing. Would you hand me, a box of wing nuts?
ALF
Wing nuts? I'm afraid I've eaten them.
ALF
I thought they said "walnuts". Don't bother looking for the package marked tent stakes.
I think I'd better finish this by myself.
ALF
Fine. I'll be over here if you need me. [walks away]
I'll keep that in mind in case things go too smoothly.
MMan
Hello, social services. Hold, please. Hey, Willie, call for you on line 4. Sounds like Sammy Davis, Jr.
ALF
[like Sammy Davis] Man, how'd you like this clever ruse?
Why are you calling me? You promised to stay in the tent!
ALF
But we're out of canned peaches.
You called me for peaches?
ALF
No, I also need grape leaves, yellow cellophane, and a tag for the toe.
ALF
You're not writing this down, are you?
No, I'm not. What's this all about?
ALF
It was gonna be a surprise, but Uncle Albert's dead.
ALF
Don't worry, I've already started the embalming, that's why I need the peaches. [hangs up]
MMan
Willie, is it true Sammy's going on the road, again?
[ALF is decorating a party as Kate comes home with the groceries]
ALF, what is going on here?
ALF
We're celebrating. Uncle Albert is gone.
He left without saying goodbye?
ALF
It was rather sudden.
Kate. Kate. [he hugs her]
ALF
Where are my peaches?
Is it true about Uncle Albert?
Well, apparently so. I mean, talk about the perfect guest. He came, he was nice and he left before we got tired of him.
ALF
Hey, come on, man! Lighten up. Here, have a hat.
Have you no respect for the dead?
Dead? ALF, you said Uncle Albert was gone.
ALF
You thought he left?
What happened? ALF, exactly what happened?
ALF
Well, I was in the tent watching TV.
ALF
Yeah. I offered him one of Kate's cookies, but he keeled over. Hey, don't take it personally. Some people just don't have a sweet tooth. Speaking of which, did you get those canned peaches, Willie? I need to finish basting the deceased. [Willie walks away] Hey, hey, let the guy marinate in peace!
[as he comes home from school] Hey! Are we having a party?
ALF
I'm trying to.
ALF
Sure it is! It's just like a birthday party only someone else has to blow out the candles.
ALF
Hey, come on. Don't blame yourself, Willie. Gosh, if anyone killed Uncle Albert, it was me.
[walks outside with a banana bread and finds ALF hiding inside a box] ALF? ALF, are you in there?
ALF
[inside the box] Go away.
I brought you some banana bread. ALF, please come out of there.
ALF
No! If you see me, you'll die.
I've already seen you. I know what you look like. ALF.
ALF
I'm double-bagged for your protection.
Come on. Eat some banana bread.
ALF
I'm not hungry.
You really are upset. What was death like on Melmac?
ALF
Predictable. Everyone died at the same age. 650. There were no surprises. And you could plan.
You could stock upon fruit and things?
ALF
Exactly. And the week before you go you give away your personal belongings. The year before you go, your credit cards are canceled.
I'd be afraid to know exactly when I was gonna die.
ALF
Hey, I'd be afraid not to know. That's why I feel so bad about Uncle Albert. I took him before his time. Thanks to me, he didn't have a chance to wrap things up.
ALF
What are you talkin' about?
See, Uncle Albert came here to make amends to show us that he really could be a nice guy. A lot of people don't get a chance to do that. But he did.
ALF
Really?
ALF
Well, if that's true then I'll get over this eventually. But I'd still like to stay in this box awhile.
I understand. You need some time to think.
ALF
Yeah. [pause] Oh, hey, Lynn? You could leave that banana bread.
[Willie and ALF are playing chess]
ALF
I wouldn't do that if I were you.
ALF
Because I might lose.
[the telephone rings]
ALF
Get that, Willie. I want to plan my next move.
[short pause]
[on the phone] Hello. The who Meister? Yeah, sure. Just a minute. Hang on. It's for you. [gives the phone to ALF]
ALF
It must be Jody. [on the phone] Hello. Hey, Jod-meister. What's happening? I saw that, Willie. Your building's going where? Condo? Where's condo? Oh! Oh! Hey, it's no problem. Yeah, you could stay here till you find a new place. Well, why would anybody mind? No, we have a slogan here, welcome. It's on the mat outside. Uh, Willie sends his love. Okay, buh-bye. Hang that up, will you, Willie? [Willie hangs up the phone]
The mat outside says, wipe your feet.
ALF
Jody's blind. She'll never know.
ALF
[prepares for Jodi's arrival by moving all the furniture in the living room into a pile] Perfect. [lamp crashes] Almost perfect.
ALF
A lamp fell off the furniture.
That leads to my next 2 questions. A, what was the lamp doing on a pile of furniture? And B. Why is the furniture in a pile?
ALF
Well, aren't you forgetting C? What are we having for lunch?
[Kate and Lynn comes to the living room, shocked]
Who piled up all the furniture? ALF, why did you pile up all the furniture?
ALF
I stacked it to get it out of Jody's way.
She'll be safe as long as she stays out of the falling-lamp zone.
ALF, let's, let's rethink this. Jody lived in an apartment. Jody had furniture. Jody walked around the furniture.
ALF
See Jody. See Jody run. Run, Jody, run.
See the furniture. See the alien move the furniture back. Move, alien, move.
ALF
See the alien throw out his back. See the alien blame the Tanners. Lawsuit, Tanners, lawsuit.
[arrives home] I think the Jodster's here.
ALF
Okay, everyone, stay calm.
ALF
Well, then, show some enthusiasm.
[knocks and arrives at the Tanners] Excuse me, I'm not sure I have the right house. I'm looking for-
ALF
Jod-meister!
[chuckles] This is the place. [as she hears the car honking] Uh, it's okay. Thanks.
Come on in, Jody. I'm Willie.
Oh, the patriarch of the Tanner clan.
Sounds good to me. And-and this is my wife, Kate.
And-and this is Lynn and Brian.
ALF
Jody, run around. You won't bump into anything.
[chuckles] Oh. Well, I-I hope you didn't go to the trouble of rearranging the furniture.
ALF
It was no trouble. It was fun.
It'll be even more fun putting it back.
ALF
Oh, well, then you could do it.
Thanks for letting me stay here. I hate to impose, but I-I didn't know what else to do.
Well, you're not imposing.
No. We're glad you're here.
ALF
And stay as long as you like.
[at the end, ALF gets ready to eat Lucky]
ALF
Lucky, I'm going to show you what it's like to be plunged into a world of darkness. [shoves Lucky in his mouth until Kate comes]
ALF
Kate, just in time! The cat almost got my tongue.
Give me this cat! [takes Lucky away from him]
ALF
Bad, Lucky, bad! Now I know how Wile E. Coyote feels.
[Kate walks away with Lucky as the episode ends]
ALF
[while cutting the plants] This is pretty hefty punishment for breaking 1 measly chimney.
Hey ALF, watch this! [throws a stick to the ground]
ALF
Interesting.
ALF
I could see that, but it wrecked your stick trick. What was supposed to happen?
That was it. That's how you play fetch.
ALF
Fascinating game. Right up there with watching golf.
You wanna throw one? Alright. What harm could it do?
[ALF throws the stick to the Ochmoneks' backyard]
ALF
Hi.
What are the chances that the crash I just heard was the Ochmoneks breaking their own window?
Slim and none. And slim is out of town.
Where did this dog come from?
She followed me home from school.
ALF, you better hide whilst I, once again, take the blame for something you did.
ALF
Thanks, Willie. You're a prince.
[comes to the Tanners' backyard] Good afternoon, guys. Does this look familiar to anyone?
Oh, gee, I'm sorry, Trevor. B-Brian and I were, we were just, sort of, play. It's $20, right?
Yeah, I'm putting in Plexiglas this time. It'll be cheaper for you in the long run.
Well, I'll see ya. [ALF pops his head out] So long, Trevor. [Trevor leaves the Tanners' backyard] She sure is a pretty dog.
ALF
Yeah, Willie. Can we, huh?
No, I don't know. I'm sure she's got an owner somewhere.
Can't we just keep her until we find the owner?
Well, I guess so. As long as it's okay with your mom.
ALF
Oh, goody, goody, goody, goody!
I didn't know you liked dogs.
ALF
What's not to like? They're loyal, obedient, they hate cats. [the dog growls] And those who eat them!
ALF · 397 quotes
