ALFHey, good water, Kate. Pick up some more of these tomorrow.
That water was for the wedding guests.
ALF
I only drank three of these I was trying to get rid of my hiccups.
ALF
[hiccup] Those hiccups.
That is the strangest hiccup I've ever heard.
ALF
Well, here's another one. [hiccups]
ALF
Oh, [hiccups] yes. You're the first humans who've ever heard the dreaded "Melmacian" hiccups.
What is it that makes them so dreaded, besides that irritating metallic echo?
ALF
That irritating metallic echo gets louder and louder, day by day, week by week, year by, [hiccup] year.
How many years are we talking about?
ALF
I'm not sure. [hiccup] My uncle Tinkle had them for 50 years.
ALF
Good idea.
[Willie and Kate come inside the garage]
Hi, ALF, how's it going? [ALF hiccups] About the same, huh?
What are you looking for?
ALF
My Melmacian Medical Encyclopedia. I might have a cure for the hiccups. Here. Hold this Willie. [he gives Willie his nuclear waste from his spaceship]
ALF
It's just nuclear waste from my spaceship. Oh hey, don't worry. Life here will exist as long as the lid doesn't pop off. [short pause] Oh, wait. These are my crayons.
What does this encyclopedia look like?
ALF
I don't remember. I only used it once.
ALF
Oh yeah, that's it. The furry home companion.
Isn't it thin for an encyclopedia?
ALF
Our bodies aren't that complicated. [hiccup] We have 10 major organs. 8 of which are stomachs.
I would have guessed all 10.
ALF
[reading from the book] Let's see. Stomach aches, Stomach flu, stomach transplants. Here we are. Hiccups. Hey! All I have to do, is drink a glass of cat juice. No problem.
ALF
Well, it's kind of like orange juice, but instead of juicing an orange you squeeze juice a-
ALF
Then cover your ears. [Willie covers his ears] Cat!
ALF
You were warned. [hiccup]
There's got to be another cure.
ALF
There is, but you don't want to hear it. It's disgusting.
[ALF is reading a magazine as Kate and Brian come home]
ALF
Hey, Kate, guess what I am?
Is it something that begins with "couch", and ends with "potato"?
ALF
Cheap shot, Kate-man-du. I'm a type T personality.
Okay ALF, what is a type T personality?
ALF
According to this article, a type T is a thrill-seeker. Someone who looks for danger, who laughs in the face of death. [laughs]
This from the same person who watched the movie Aliens from under the couch?
ALF
Hey, I thought I owed one of those guys money.
ALF
Well, do you enjoy hang gliding off cliffs into rock-filled gorges?
ALF
Well let's find out. What do you say we jump off the roof. You land feet-first, you're a wimp.
No one is jumping off the roof.
ALF
Hey Kate, let me know when you let your son act like a man. Ah! Paper cut! Paper cut!
[Willie comes to the garage while ALF is looking at a train model]
ALF
Hey Willie? Is this the kind of train you used to hop?
Well, the others were bigger, of course, and they didn't run around in circles. But basically, Yeah.
ALF
How'd you do it?
Well, here's what I'd do, you see. I'd case the yard, I'd hide in a bush and wait until dark and when I saw my train was pulling out, I'd just go make a run for it.
ALF
Wow. Well did it ever get so dark, you jumped on the wrong thing? Like a bus or parade?
Ask sensible questions, ALF.
ALF
Okay. Which one is the kitchen car?
There wasn't any kitchen car. I sat in a box car. I ate beans out of a can. That's how I got my traveling name.
ALF
Bean head?
ALF
Wow. What a cool name! Hey can I have your autograph?
ALF
Come on, come on.
[Kate and Brian come to the garage]
Willie, are you sure you don't want to go to my mother's with us?
If dad doesn't have to go, why do I?
Because you're my son, and I can tell you what to do.
Oh, it's my autograph. ALF wanted it.
ALF
It's for a friend.
Well we'll be back in a couple hours. Now don't get into any trouble.
ALF
Don't worry about Willie. I'll keep an eye on him.
ALF
I know. I was being playful.
ALF
Now's our chance. Let's go down to the train yard.
No, we're not hopping any train.
ALF
I'm not talking about riding the rails. I just want to see them. Please, Willie. Pleeeease?
No, we can't. Really ALF, we can't.
ALF
Alright, tell me when this gets annoying. Yeah, yeah, you hopped a freight train, sure. Oh right. Yeah, yeah. I almost believed that. Uh huh, yeah, yeah. Look at Mr. Excitement.
Forget it, ALF. It's not working.
ALF
Okay, I'll try something else. Willie, please take me to see the trains. I haven't had an adventure in a long time. All right, maybe this will work. Willie, I'm dying. [coughs] I've only got twenty four hours to live. Twenty five, tops.
ALF
You bought that?
I bought the second thing you said.
ALF
Oh. Well what was it? I might want to use it again sometime.
Come on. Bring a sweater.
ALF
Okay.
[ALF and Willie are at a train yard]
Boy, there's nothing like a train yard at night.
ALF
Yeah, it is peaceful. [a train whistle blows] Aaaah! What's that thing?
ALF
It makes the one you have look like a toy.
That's really something, isn't it? You know that engine alone weighs over seventy-five tons? Do you know what would happen if I put a penny on that track?
ALF
The train would de-rail and all the bums would spill their beans.
ALF
Willie, pennies are already flat.
YGYard Guard
Hey, who's out there?
ALF
You mean that guy with the seeing-eye dog? Huh, big deal!
That's no seeing-eye dog. That's a doberman pincher.
ALF
Yikes! Don't let him pinch me!
YGYard Guard
Hey, get away from that train!
ALF
Run, boxcar, run! [Willie jumps into the boxcar] All aboard! Hey, I always wanted to say that.
ALF
And you got yours, too. We're riding the rails, Willie. Ain't it grand!
No, it ain't! Now the train's going too fast! We can't get off!
ALF
You're acting like this is all my fault.
ALF
I was hoping we could share.
How many more things can there be? [ALF comes out] What was all that noise?
ALF
I don't know. As grandpa satchel used to say, "Don't look back. Something might be broken."
In this case it's my casserole dish and the cookie jar.
ALF
Where are you going?
I'm going to see a musical.
ALF
Musicals are dumb. Out of the blue people burst into songs.
Hence the term "musical."
ALF
Yeah, but wouldn't it get on your nerves if all of a sudden I started singing: [singing] Hey, Kate, ain't it great? Hey, Willie, you look silly. Hey-
It's getting on my nerves.
ALF
See what it means? What this called?
ALF
Take me, please! Then afterwards, we can go backstage and eat the actors!
They're not real cats; they're actors.
ALF
Yech! I'll pass. How come you're not going your mate Kate?
Well, uh- Actually, do you remember when we left you alone, and you blew up the kitchen?
ALF
Oh, yeah. I get nervous just thinking about it.
Well, I'm not going because I don't feel well. I have a fever. I have a slight fever.
ALF
Oh, let me press my lips against your forehead.
ALF
You don't sound that sick. Is there something wrong between you two?
ALF
You wouldn't lie to the old ALFer?
ALF
Because I always tell the truth. Example, your socks are limp.
Have a good time. [kisses Willie]
ALF
And those glasses make you look owlish.
ALF
Did I mention he has a funny walk?
[while talking to Julie on the phone] No Julie, he hasn't called yet. How can he when you keep calling to see if he called?
ALF
[comes in Lynn's room] Quick! Hang up! Dial 911. 9, uno, uno.
I gotta go, I'll text you later! Bye!
ALF
Hurry up!
Wait a minute, I don't smell smoke.
ALF
Where is it written that all my emergencies involve fire?
ALF
It's Willie and Kate. They've been fighting all night!
Were you listening outside their door again?
ALF
Inside their door. Under their bed. Anyway, I distinctly heard someone say, "Get off it, it isn't ALF's fault."
ALF
Actually, it was me. Then they walked out on each other, Lynn. I'm an orphan! I don't want to be an orphan. I saw Annie. Orphans have to eat gruel, and tap dance with mops.
Listen to me. Mom and dad haven't abandoned us. They're having a little fight, that's all. I just hope mom wins, so I can go on that ski trip.
ALF
They won't settle anything, without our help.
ALF
Please, Lynn. This is the only family that I've got.
This is the only family I've got.
ALF
Really? No wonder you're always hanging around! Now, let's see. How would we solve this problem on Melmac?
Let me guess. You'd play Tug-of-War with a cat.
ALF
No. That only takes your mind off your troubles. It never solves anything. Wait, I remember. To get a couple back together on Melmac, we'd recreate the happiest moment of their marriage.
I wonder what Mom and Dad's happiest moment was.
ALF
The day they met me?
ALF
The day after they met me.
ALF
I can't. My brain hurts. Aghhh!
Well, they're always talking about their honeymoon.
ALF
Great! Yeah, that's it! Let's recreate their honeymoon. Where did they go?
ALF
Oh, real original.
[at the end, Willie ends up getting sick thanks to ALF]
Honey, I just don't feel good about leaving you like this.
Well, no, you go. There's no use both of us staying home just because I'm sick. Say hello, say hello to your mother for me.
Okay. [kisses Willie] I'll be thinking about you. [she leaves the house]
ALF
Where's she going?
Oh, she's going to her mother's.
ALF
Without you? Oh, I get it. Lynn's on her ski trip and you don't trust me to be alone.
No, sure we do, ALF, but I'm sick. I-I caught cold because somebody hosed me down in my own bedroom.
ALF
Oh, baloney.
ALF
Come on! Get up and go to your mother-in-law.
ALF
Yes!
ALF
Gee, Willie, you do look a little pale. You might be coming down with something. You better lie down.
Oh, thanks. That's a good idea.
ALF
Let me tuck you in.
ALF
There you go.
Thanks, ALF. You're a good friend.
ALF
Hey, anything for my Willie. You want me to press my lips up against your forehead?
[Willie gets shocked when ALF comes closer to him as the episode ends]
ALF
Interesting concept, the pencil. Where did it come from?
Well, I've heard a number of theories on that.
ALF
How about the shortest one?
ALF
Thank you.
Say, that's a voter registration application.
ALF
Boy, can't put one over on you.
You can't vote, ALF, you're not a citizen.
ALF
I'll apply for a green card.
That's only if you want a job.
ALF
Pass.
[in Kate and ALF's dream]
JJohn
Mrs. Tanner, our environment is becoming endangered much like the liberal. What would you do about it?
Well, my environmental plan includes tax incentives to the industrial sector to encourage factory modernization as well as legislation.
ALF
Ah, lunch meat!
ALF
Candidate ALF.
JJohn
Your solution to pollution?
ALF
My solution to pollution will help your constitution. So send a contribution, and start the revolution. Uh-huh, uh-huh.
Could we please get serious here?
JJohn
Quiet! Rap Master ALF is on a roll.
ALF
Thanks, man. Weiner on a stick?
JJohn
My pleasure. [pause] Your answer?
ALF
To get rid of pollution, just tie big balloons on all the smoke stacks to catch the dirty air.
Wait a minute. And what would you do when the balloons were full?
ALF
I'd rub them on a big sweater and stick them to the ceiling of the White House.
JJohn
Finally, a candidate as intelligent as myself.
How can you say that? His solution is impractical and ludicrous.
JJohn
Sour grapes, Mrs. Tanner. You lose. I'm voting for the ALFer.
AAudience
[cheering] ALF! ALF! ALF! ALF! ALF! ALF! ALF! ALF! ALF!
[Kate and ALF's dream ends]
[talking during her sleep] ALF.
ALF
That's my name. Ask me again, and I'll tell you the same.
What are you doing in here?
ALF
I got tired of looking at the big picture. [pause] Oh, hey, look! Willie's shins glow in the dark.
TTiffany
ALF, could you stay with me just until I fall asleep?
ALF
Hey, no problem.
TTiffany
ALF, do you want to know a secret?
ALF
If you want to tell me.
TTiffany
I'm going to have to move on to another world, too. And there's nothing anyone can do about it. And I'm afraid to go, ALF. I know I'm not supposed to be afraid but I can't help it.
ALF
It's alright, Tiffany. It's alright to be afraid.
TTiffany
You know, maybe in the next world that I'm going to they'll have Christmas all year round.
ALF
Could be.
TTiffany
And everyone will want to be my friend. I know they will. And maybe everyone will be just like you, ALF.
ALF
Well, there is such a thing as too much of a good thing. [laughs]
TTiffany
I love you, ALF.
[short pause]
ALF
I love you too, Tiffany.
[the family is playing charades]
ALF
The jerk.
ALF
No fair! You were giving him hand signals to help him guess.
ALF, that's how you play charades.
ALF
Oh. Well, let me try! Alright, uh-
The Brother from Another Planet?
ALF
No, no, you're all wrong, it's The Man Who Would Be King.
ALF · 397 quotes
