[comes in the kitchen with a beef bone that Alfina ate] Anyone lose a steak?
O-o-okay, ALF. I'm sorry I accused you.
ALFApology accepted. I'd hate to be in your paws, you cattle rustler!
Bad dog! Oh, I didn't mean it. No, she didn't mean it. Oh. Here. You're a good dog, aren't you? Yes, you are. Come on, pup. Come on.
ALF
[imitating Kate] You're a good dog. Yes, you are. [normal] This is an outrage! That dog should be flogged on the quarterdeck. Whatever that means.
Oh, ALF, she's just a dog. She doesn't know any better.
ALF
Ignorance is no excuse.
Ignorance is your excuse all the time.
ALF
I don't know what you're talking about.
Why did you give Alfina to that mean lady?
ALF
Sorry.
I'm not playing with you anymore, ever! [Willie comes in] Dad, where's Alfina?
I'm sorry, Brian. I couldn't get her back.
Mrs. Buttonwood only wanted the dog so she could get $500 from the real owner.
It's all your fault, ALF! [runs off]
ALF
He's right. I got us into this. I'll get us out. Willie, can I borrow $500,000? I'll give it back to you next payday.
ALF
I meant your next payday.
Stay out of this. You're in enough hot water!
ALF
So what's a little more?
[ALF is sitting in the kitchen wearing shades and staring at a sunlamp]
[walks over to him] What are you doing?
ALF
[with a sunlamp in front of his head] Oh, soaking up rays, Babe. Your sunlamp's not working. I've been sitting here for 5 hours, Nada.
5 hours? ALF, you're lucky you didn't get a sunburn. [she touches ALF as ALF screams] Sorry.
ALF
Aah, oh, it hurts, it hurts.
[takes the sunlamp away from ALF] Well, would you like some cold cream?
ALF
Yeah, but just one scoop, I'm on a diet.
ALF
That's where I'm trying to lose the weight.
ALF, I'm talking about cold cream. Not ice cream. Cold cream. You understand?
ALF
You're talking like they're 2 different things.
They are! Haven't you been listening?
ALF
What is this, healing through hollering?
[Brian comes in the kitchen after he had a school fight]
ALF
Yeah, you look terrible.
ALF
Looking like that? Yeesh!
ALF
[while teaching Brian karate] After this lesson, You'll never get beat up at school again.
I'm not going to school anymore.
ALF
Don't say that. School's important. If you dropout, don't get anywhere in life. You'll hang around the house all day eating and watching TV.
But I want to be like you.
ALF
I don't know whether to laugh or cry. Alright, now, the trick here is to concentrate all your energy and let it explode in a blinding flash of destruction. Watch. [does a karate move and hits the board] Hee-yah!
ALF
Well, that never worked before.
ALF
Okay. [does another karate move but his hand doesn't break the board] Hee-yah! I guess there's only pain when you don't break the board. Unbelievable pain.
[comes in the garage] Hey, Brian. You-your mother told me what happened. Are you okay?
Yeah, ALF's teaching me the martial arts.
I don't want you teaching my son to fight, ALF.
ALF
Call an ambulance.
ALF
Oh, and I'm not? I broke my hand.
Wha.. Let me see if that. [looks at ALF's hand] It looks fine.
ALF
Thank you, Professor X-ray.
ALF
It's fine. Oh. Hey, that feels good. Could you do my shoulders?
You know, ALF, if you really wanna help, you'd teach him not to fight.
ALF
Well, he already knows how to do that. Look at his face.
Excuse me, ALF, I know where of I speak. You see, when I was about Brian's age there was a bully who lived on our block who was always picking on me.
ALF
Where of? Sorry. I'm still fascinated by the oddities of the English language.
Anyway, this bully, his name was Clarence...
ALF
Oh-ha! Tough neighborhood. [he laughs but he hits his hand again]
Every day, I'd try to stand up to him and every day he'd beat me up. Until finally my father told me to just turn the other cheek.
Is this the same grandfather that talked to corn chips?
He was a wise man. And, see, you know what happened? When I refused to fight Clarence stopped bothering me. You see, it's no fun to pick on someone who won't fight back. So tomorrow, Bobby comes up to you if he starts teasing you. I want you to just walk away, okay?
ALF
Willie, my hand still hurts. Kiss it? [Willie kisses his hand] Whoa. How continental.
[on the phone] I love you too, mom. Buh-bye. [hangs up the phone] Why are those boards in the fireplace?
ALF said, if you can't break 'em, burn 'em.
ALF
[pops up from the kitchen] Boing!
ALF, we are not going to let you burn perfectly good lumber.
ALF
Oh, right, one of these days Willie's gonna build that gazebo.
[Brian comes home from school and tries to hide his face from Lynn]
[after getting beaten up again] Nothing. See you tomorrow.
[stops Brian from leaving] Oh, no, not again.
Hi, dad. Bobby beat me up again.
I tried to walk away, like you said. But he was sitting on me at the time.
Let me get the first aid kit. [takes Brian to the kitchen] Come on, Bri, let me clean you up.
ALF
Alright! That's it! I say we fight violence with violence. That's how we used to solve things back home.
But ALF, don't you remember what happened to your planet?
ALF
Well, it blew up in a nuclear holocaust. Why?
Don't you see the connection?
ALF
What connection?
ALF
Me too. I'm gonna lay down. My head is spinning. Maybe a cold cream sundae. [walks off]
You should have heard what Bobby said.
What did he say about me?
He said you must have been desperate to marry someone like mom.
I'm glad to see he's off my case.
Did he say anything about me?
Yeah. He said you were cute.
Does he know I'm mom's daughter?
[serious] This isn't funny! I'm sorry, Bri, but I'm afraid I'm gonna have to call Bobby's mother.
ALF
Save your dialing finger, Kate. She's not home. She went down to the liquor store.
ALF
Bobby's father. Oh, by the way, he's coming over here to beat the stuffing out of Willie.
ALF
Well, he didn't like the way you talked to him on the phone.
ALF, I thought we agreed that you'd stop impersonating me on the phone.
ALF
We agreed I would stop impersonating the cast of Green Acres. [imitating] Although, Mr. Haney could have sold Brian some revivifying potion out of the back of his truck.
ALF, what did I say, to Bobby's father?
ALF
You were a bit rough actually. It was so unlike you.
ALF
He said that. He was gonna turn your face into silly putty. Hey, look at the bright side you'll be able to reproduce the Sunday comics.
[the doorbell rings]
That might be Bobby's dad.
ALF
I'm outta here. Hey, and don't worry, Willie we won't let them keep you alive artificially. [hides away as Willie and Kate leave the kitchen]
[ALF is in Kate and Willie's bed eating crackers]
I don't believe you're eating crackers in bed.
ALF
I know. It's such a clich? Could you "hoover" the crumbs out of my fur?
I want every single crumb out of this bed. Including you.
ALF
I know you're upset about Willie, but he'll be home soon. I won't leave this bed, until he is.
ALF
Rats!
Just what I wanted to see in my bed.
ALF
Thanks. Cracker?
It's 11pm. What happened?
I'm sorry, Kate. I got in a big tie-up on the on the,
ALF
Freeway.
Freeway. I suppose you've discussed the crackers in bed.
We were just discussing that, when you came in.
ALF
Yes, your arrival was most fortuitous.
Not that it matters, I'm so tired that I could sleep on broken glass.
ALF
Then you might want to sleep by the China cabinet.
ALF
[pops up] Could you get those two back in here? They didn't even check the bathroom. I loosened every third tile.
This is not the worst thing you've ever done. This is the 15th worst thing you've ever done.
ALF
What was number 9?
What possible reason could you have had for this?
ALF
Nobody wants to move, including you.
ALF
Because you're a social worker.
What's that got to do with anything-
ALF
Follow me, Willie. I'm trying to be linear. Well, one could define social worker as a person who performs work for the social good, couldn't one?
ALF
Well, then how come all you're doing is playing musical parking spaces and firing guys?
You know, I also have to find a shortstop for the office softball team.
ALF
Just tell me this. Why are we moving out of a house we do like so you can keep a job you don't like?
ALF
I win.
[comes in her and Willie's room] ALF, how could you-
No, no, hold-hold on, Kate. Before we give ALF the 15th worst scolding he's ever had I think there's something you ought to know. [Brian and Lynn come in Willie and Kate's room] Brian, Lynn, Kate, how would you all feel if I asked for my old job back and we just stayed in this house?
Of course, umm, I-I'm not gonna have that raise, you know?
ALF
Forget it, we'll move. Sorry. A momentary attack of shallowness. I'm over it.
Well, honey, y-you worked so hard for this promotion. What made you change your mind?
Actually, it was ALF who convinced me we'd all be happier if we stayed right here.
ALF
Oh! Although, instead of destroying the house, why didn't we just talk about it? That was plan B.
Hey, ALF. What are you doing?
ALF
I'm running away from home.
Oh, great. Tell the whole world.
Why are you running away?
None of your business! [laughs]
I'm gonna tell Dad! [he runs away tattling to Willie]
ALF
Hey, why were you lying to Brian like that? [Paul hits him] Ow, don't hit me!
Shut up and keep tacking.
[opens the door and sees Pete with ALF's package] Oh, hi, Pete.
Hi, Willie. Another package for ALF Tanner.
$29.95. You got off easy this time.
There you go. I'll see you.
Yeah. Probably this afternoon. [leaves]
Oh, ALF. I have a package and a lecture for you.
ALF
[comes to the living room for his package] How come those things always come in pairs? Oh boy! It came! [he and Willie fight over the box while ALF opens it]
Oh, ALF, what is it this time?
ALF
Beats me.
You're getting styrofoam all over the carpet.
ALF
Sorry. [he eats one of the styrofoam and spits it out] Yuck! They're stale.
Look! It's a ventriloquist's dummy.
ALF
I saw one of these little guys on TV. He was hilarious! [Lynn gives him his dummy] Come on, dummy, speak to me! Just my luck. He's a mute.
ALF · 397 quotes
