Stephanie quotes from You Can't Do That on Television

Well, how come you never make any fun about Lisa's weight?

Well, you see, Alasdair, Lisa and I have this deal.

Yeah?

Yeah. If I don't make any jokes about her weight, she won't sit on me.

Okay, what do we call (the band)?

Beats me.

No, I don't really like the sound of that. Adam, do you have any ideas?

I'm thinking, I'm thinking...

No, no, Adam, that's too intellectual. Alanis, you must have a good idea?

Alanis

I don't know.

Alanis

[angrily] Alasdair, you did that on PURPOSE! Now I will hate you.

No! Alanis, no, really, it didn't have anything to do with me. I just forgot to tell you that on this show you can't say "I don't know," or you'll get slimed---

Wait a minute, I've got a great idea! Why don't we call our group the Green Slimes? [shaking Alasdair's hand] Put 'er there, buddy!

Swell. [to Alanis] You okay?

Hi. Today's show is about something that some of us have a lot of and some of us hardly have any of.

You must mean money, Adam.

No, no, Chris. I mean enemies. Today's show is about enemies and [looking at the script] par-parano--

That's "paranoia", Adam.

Well, what does paranoia-- whatever you--

That word there, the one you can't say right? Paranoia is the feeling that no one likes you, that everybody hates you.

Ah, I guess you know all about that, then.

What's that? What's happening?!

[running in] THE RUSSIANS IS COMING! THE RUSSIANS IS COMING! [screams and runs off]

Ross, are you okay?

Now that's paranoia. Not to mention bad grammar.

Vanessa, how does it feel to be back on the show this time around?

Well, at first I thought it was going to be awful, but actually it's not that bad.

Oh yeah? It's all right now, but wait until we really get into this show. We found out there's a lot of stuff that you owe us.

Oh really? Like what?

What's this?!

Well Vanessa, it just so happens that that Adoption show that I mentioned, you said the magic words and the slime did not come down. So, you owe us one.

But Ross, that's not fair! I didn't even say "I don't know."

We appreciate your generosity Vanessa, but you only owed us one not two slimes.

Ross, I wasn't being generous.

Oh, of course not. You're stupid like the old days.

Steph, can you please turn off that light? I can't get to sleep.

Well sorry if it bothers you Vanessa, but I need help to get to sleep.

Steph, don't you think you're just a little old to be depending on a night light?

It's not a night light Vanessa, it's a TV set. I'm watching old episodes of You Can't Do That On Television with you on them. It puts me in a sleeping mood.

Hey, that's a pretty good idea. Oh no! Doug's on them! Now I'm going to have nightmares.

Hi, Van. Did you call my name?

AAAAH! DOUG!! (throws her stuffed bear at him)

Ted, get OUT of here! It's my turn in the bathroom, Ted! [hits him over the head with her mirror, which breaks] BOY, you're annoying!

Ha, look, Stephanie, you broke your mirror! That's seven years bad luck!

No, no, no, no! You think you get seven years bad luck, but this week only, during our generous summer sale, you get NOT seven, NOT fourteen, but TWENTY-ONE years bad luck!!

YES!!!