You Can't Do That on Television · Season 3, Episode 8
“Culture Junk” · Season 3, Episode 8
In this episode: Kevin (3), Ross (2), Christine (1), Mr. Schidtler (1), Mr. Prevert (1), Brodie (1), Lance (1), Martin (1)
[An Opposite Sketch. A young man comes in wearing a trenchcoat, hat and sunglasses, carrying a violin case]
Hey Kevin! Come here. Where do you think you're going with that? [points to the violin case]
I'm gonna go shoot up the neighborhood, Dad.
[Kevin opens the violin case to reveal a machine gun]
I thought you were going to some boring violin lesson or something like that. Go on. Have fun!
"Big Bird Dances Swan Lake" will not be see at this time so that we may bring you the following cultural extravaganza.
All the world's a stage and all the men and women merely players, which is why us actors get paid so little.
Get on with it or I'll get one of those other actors to do your intro for ya!
As you may have guessed, this week on You Can't Do That On Television, we're gonna serve up a cultural feast, so get your ketchup ready.
Our writers claim that they are true creative artists. I mean, when they start a script, they say they have no idea how it's going to end. But I think that after all these shows we can probably tell them. Everybody altogether...
Lousy.
[Christine gets hit with water]
Now wait one second! Just wait one second! I didn't even say "water"!
[Ross is holding a cue card, which a crew member is writing the word "WATER" on and underlining.]
Oh, no. No, that's written on this cue card, and that's all it takes!
Boy, those guys sure are quick to get their revenge.
[Lance is watching television as Martin enters]
Uh, Dad?
What?
Can you write a note to my teacher explaining that our TV set is busted?
Well, our TV isn't busted. Now shut up, Martin, I'm trying to watch the fight.
Dad, if our TV set isn't busted, I have to write a homework assignment on the opera that just started on PBS.
(quickly grabbing a pad and pencil) What's your teacher's name?
[Cut to the classroom, where Martin hands the note to Mr. Schidtler.]
Here you go, sir.
Well, this is amazing. Must be an epidemic. All you kids come from homes where the TV set broke down last night.
(Looking at a sculpture of The Thinker)
I wonder what he's thinking about, anyway.
I don't know, but he's probably thinking about where he left his pants.
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