You Can't Do That on Television · Season 4, Episode 1
[Throughout the show, Lisa has told jokes referring you Christine as a dog.]
Hey, Lisa.
Yeah, Moosie?
Lisa, do you know what I do to little costarlets who keep calling me a dog?
(laughing nervously) Oh, I don't know! (she gets slimed)
I, uh, get my revenge.
[The screen shows Kermit the Frog appearing to have been run over by a car on the road.]
"Kermit The Frog Tries To Cross The Highway" will not be seen at this time, in order that we may bring you the following small, cuddly, "Aw, isn't it cute, can you make it do tricks?" production.
[Eugene enters the kitchen as Valerie is making pancakes.]
Mom, guess what followed me home from school today.
Oh, Eugene, I don't care, we're not keeping it. Toss it off the back porch.
Okay.
[He leaves as Valerie flips a pancake into the air, but doesn't come down. Suddenly, there is a scream and a clattering noise.]
What was that?! [Eugene re-enters.]
It was Mrs. Owbokowski, my English teacher.
[Valerie quickly runs off. Eugene grabs the frying pan and catches the pancake.]
Well, we have a few seconds before the end of class. Could anyone tell me who "Paffloff" was?
He was a scientist who worked with dogs.
Very good. And, you know, by making his dogs respond to the sound of a bell, Pavlov was able to prove that any animal, no matter how intelligent, could be conditioned.
That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard in my life.
[The bell rings and all the kids run out of the classroom.]
I rest my case.
Eugene, what do you wanna be when you grow up?
I wanna be a vet and take care of sick dogs.
Well, here's your chance to practice. Here comes Christine!
[Christine slugs Lisa in the nose and she falls down.]
[Opposite sketch. Lance, Valerie, and Vanessa are at the dinner table.]
Vanessa, don't feed the cat under the table while we're eating, dear.
[She reaches underneath, then holds up a cat.]
Feed it on the table instead!
Aw, but Mom...
No buts, Vanessa. Now, feed the cat.
Here, Christine, want a cookie?
Thank you, Lisa. I guess this means you don't think I'm too fat-- don't answer that. [She takes a bite.] These are really good.
I thought you'd like them. They were dog biscuits left over from the previous sketch.
Christine, I think you're taking a modeling class?
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
Well, have they taught you how to walk?
Oh, yeah, they did. First lesson.
Could I see?
Okay. [She does a quick walk.] But why did you want me to see me walk?
Well, I thought since we were on the subject of walking dogs, you could show us how they do it.
(laughs wildly) Watch it, Ruddy.
Did you hear what Brodie's doggy did all over his mom's antique couch?
No, what did Brodie's doggy do?
That's what he did. All over the couch.
[At Blip's Arkaid, Blip notices Martin with a dog.]
Sorry, kid. No dogs are allowed in here.
But he's well behaved. He won't bite or anything.
I'm sorry, kid, but rules are rules. No dogs allowed.
He won't leave a mess or anything.
I'm gonna tell you just one more time, no dogs allowed. Now get your dog out of here. Besides, he beat me nine times out of ten at Pac-Man last week.
[Lisa wakes up a sleeping Lance. The background is completely black.]
Dad? Where did the house go?
Oh, well, Lisa, I told you it would happen and it finally did.
What finally happened?
Your dog. She ate us out of house and home.
Moose, you promised you would go on a diet!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's You Can't Do That on Television pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
