“Rip-Offs” quotes from You Can't Do That on Television

Hi, and welcome to another episode of "You Can't Do That On Television". This shows is packed full of brand-new, super-duper, funny and zany comedy, it's all new and even better than before. (Suddenly, the credits start rolling.) Wait a second. Stop. Stop. Hold it! Stop. (The credits stop rolling and fade out.)

Well, what is it now?

What do you mean, "what is it now"? Why were the closing credits rolling? I hadn't even finished my introduction.

It's my newest idea for saving money, a little tip I picked up from the advertisers. What you do is, you call the show all-new and better than ever, and then you present the viewers with less content.

Yeah, sounds good so far, but how does that save money?

That's the beauty of it. We only do a two minute show, then we only have to pay you kids for two minutes and I get the rest!

Yeah. Forget it, Ross.

Well, it was worth a try.

The things some people will do to make a buck.

I went on that Super Loop ride at the amusement park the other day, you know, the one where it goes up and then it goes around and around and then it comes back down, except this time it stopped right at the top.

Oh, really? Oh, how awful! You mean, you were hanging there upside down? Oh, for how long?

Until all the money that had fallen out of my pockets got swept up and taken away.

"The Price Is Right Raise Their Prices" will not be seen at this time in order to bring you the following program we've managed to rip off.

Ready... aim... fire! (One shot goes off.)

What happened? How come I haven't been shot?

Oh, you see, we only use blank bullets.

Blank bullets? Oh, I should have guessed. You guys are always trying to rip us tourists off. Well, I won't stand for it! I paid for a real firing squad, not one that uses blank bullets. Now, look, when little Sally went on her French Revolutionary tour, they did it right.

They guillotined her and they got a plastic surgeon to sew her head back on. They sewed it on backwards, but it doesn't matter. She still gloats over it about me, and I told her that my South American junta would be better than hers. So we're gonna do it again, and we're gonna do it right!

ALRIGHT! Alright, firing squad. Live ammo, load up! Ready... (to Lisa) You wanna go through with this?

Get on with it before I get really mad and I'll report you to someone higher than you and you'll get it--

AIIIM... (to Lisa) This is your last chance.

Don't interrupt me, don't even ask me again, okay?

FIRE! (Lisa gets shot.)

Now that's better. (She falls to the floor.)

Hey, Mom, this is great. The free balloons in the box of Coco Flakes are already blown up.

Well, that's right, dear. You see that way, they don't have to put as much in the package. Now...

...eat your flake.

Angela, the price for not doing your homework is three hours in detention.

Three hours in detention? But the old price used to be only one hour in detention.

I know, but like anything else, the price is going up these days.

Okay, if whoever stole those exams is not going to fess up, then I am going to turn that light out and I turn the light back on, I want to see those exams on my desk.

Okay, you will also return the light bulb.

And my chair!

I'll have the four dollar turkey surprise.

Ah, coming up. (He hands her a grilled cheese sandwich.) Four dollar turkey surprise.

This is a grilled cheese sandwich. There's no turkey in a grilled cheese sandwich.

Surprise... turkey.