Alasdair quotes from You Can't Do That on Television

This itching is driving me crazy!

Me too. I wish there were something we could do to get rid of it.

Itch no more! He-Man Foot Powder is here! It'll not only cure the itch, but your feet will smell like a rose.

Just what we've been looking for!

OW! This kills!

But has the itching stopped?

Yes, the itching has stopped, but now our feet hurt from the thorns!

And they smell like roses! [To the camera] He-Man Foot Spray! Ya can't take it, yer not a man!

Alasdair, (writing "H2O" on a chalkboard) can you tell me what that means? (The other kids laugh.)

No.

You don't know?

Of course I know, I'm just not gonna say it, that's all.

Alasdair, you are gonna give me the answer or I'm gonna punish you again.

Ross, you're doing this deliberately, aren't you? You're just trying to set me up!

Get over here. Come on, Alasdair, move. (Alasdair heads over near Ross) Oh, I wish I'd been a teacher all along! I could have been mean to kids every day of the week! Put your hand out!

What do you mean put my hand out?

Alasdair, either you hold out your hand or you say "water".

Well, Ross, I think you've said it all.

Ross, if you think I'm going to wear this (bleep, bleep) sailor outfit, you can just (bleep, bleep)!

Alasdair, why did you get bleeped? And we weren't even using bad language.

You know, Vanessa you're right. I don't know what I said wrong.

Hey guys, have you seen this neat gizmo? It sure makes a cool bleeping noise.

(bleep, bleep, bleep)!

What do all those words mean?

You're too young to know James. That is what they call real bleeping.

Well. Is this what you have to present for Show and Tell Alasdair?

Yes sir.

Kind of a funny color isn't it?

I can't see anything. (to the camera) Get rid of that stupid black band!

Hey, if you think that's neat, wait till you see what else my parents brought back from Hawaii! (puts on a lei.)

Ohhhh. (to the camera) Put the black band back! (the black square reappears) No! I mean on his face! (the black square moves over Alasdair's face.)

What's the matter Alasdair? Are you shy or something?

No I'm not Doug.

But Alasdair, we're brothers. We've been changing in this room for years.

Yeah I know Doug, but look at this.

Oh Alasdair. This censorship stuff is getting ridiculous!

Yeah, so is having TV CAMERAS IN YOUR BEDROOM!! Well let's get em!

(grabbing a baseball bat) Ok, I'm going for a home run!

Go now!

Ready? (Swings the bat at the camera)

Where do these things come from anyways?

Well afterwards they're put on as a special effect.

You mean they're not really here and the people in the studio can see whats underneath them?

Yep Doug, that's exactly right.

The cameraman? Everyone?

Yes Doug, they can all see your shorts.

[in the locker room] Boys, boys, listen - I've got some bad news for ya. I was at the eye doctor's today, and he tells me I gotta quit coachin'. Yeah, my eyesight is so bad I can hardly see.

Coach, that's really too bad.

Yeah, I guess that means you're out of a job, right?

Are you kidding? I got a new job already. I'm a referee. [takes off his coaching jacket to reveal a referee's shirt on underneath] I'll see ya out on the field... [bumps into the door] ...if I can find the field. [to the door] Come on, buddy, outta the way!

Ready... aim... [Alasdair sticks a card on El Capitan's back] Wait, wait. [To Alasdair] What'd you do? You put a sign on my back. Childish trick, you stuck a sign that probably says "Kick Me"?

No.

Alright, we'll find out. Amigos, [walks in front of Alasdair] the sign on my back, what does it say?

"Fire"! [El Capitan gets shot.]

Shot in the back by his own firing squad.

Well, this fan wants to know what green slime is made of.

Van, why don't you tell them?

Because I don't kn-- Because, Alasdair, they won't tell us.

Well, this fan wants to know he we got on the show.

Well, in my case, I did something really bad at school and being on this show was the worst punishment the teacher could think of. How about you?

Well, Vanessa, actually I thought about it many times, but I don't know how I got on the show.

I know, Alasdair. They needed someone to keep saying those words to keep getting green slime dumped all over them.