Oh, look who's finally off the phone.
When are you gonna give Wendy Cho the necklace?
[mocking] What happened? You chicken out?
[reproachful] I don't believe it! You dragged my ass all the way down to the mall. I pony up 40 bucks for the necklace and you chicken out!
[loud] She just dumped me, you old turd!
[surprised] Oh. You could have told me that before I started being an old turd.
[disappointed] I'm only twelve. I need a time machine.
Ah dude, I am really sorry. What happened?
She decided she has a problem with mixed relationships.
[perplexed] What, Chinese and Caucasian?
Yeah. Well, I'm done with relationships. From now on, I'm gonna be like you.
Why would you wanna be like me?
'Cause you never fall in love with anybody, so you never get hurt.
Okay, listen to me. Being hurt sucks...but love is the most beautiful and noble of human emotions. It's what gives a man hope. What gives his live meaning. Don't turn your back on love Jake. I did. And I regret it every day.
May God strike me down if I'm lying. [Looks up and whispers: Thank you!] Alright, the game's over. Let's go.
Might as well bail your dad out of jail.
Can we get something to eat first?
Hey, after the kid goes back to his mother's, you want to go out to grab some dinner?
I can't go out to dinner, Charlie.
"Why not? You got a date?" he said, knowing the answer but asking anyway, just to be polite.
"No, I don't have a date," he replied, all the while thinking, "Bite me, you booze-addled buffoon."
[Alan and Charlie find out that Judith is getting remarried]
A-five, six, seven, eight...
[sings and dances] No more alimony! No more alimony! No more alimony! No more alimony!
Is this about the upcoming nuptials?
It's nothing to do with puberty, Dad! It's about Mom getting married.
I-- I thought you liked Dr. Melnick.
That was when they were just dating. Now he thinks he can tell me what to do. He's not my father.
You don't do what I tell you to do!
Yeah, but Mom doesn't care about that.
Alan [to Jake] : All right, buddy, I'm gonna have to tell you something pretty heavy, but... I think it's something that you're old enough to understand. You can do better than me.
Until he [Jake] was ten, I had him convinced that swizzle sticks were money!
Hey, hey, uh, uh, speaking of swizzle sticks, ha-- have you considered eloping to Vegas?
No, I know what you're thinking, "tacky-tacky," but... uh, it's classy and very romantic.
Yeah, some of the hotel rooms have those big mirrored walls. It's like watching your ass bob up and down in IMAX.
Jake can have a little brother-- that would be a blessing for him, would it?
Oh, I don't know if I want more kids.
Then wear a condom. Besides, Jake's used to being an only child.
If there was a new one, he'd probably eat it by mistake.
[Alan is trying to hang up on Judith]
Yeah, I-I-I... I think this phone is 'unning outta 'atteries. I 'aid, 'is 'one is 'unning outta 'atteries. 'ood-bye, 'udith. [hangs up] Think she bought it?
If she did, she's 'upider than 'ou.
[Alan and Charlie comes back home after eating dinner outside]
Do you know what's the problem with sushi?
You mean besides eating it with you?
It's all fleshy and flappy and wet. Feels unnatural against my tongue.
I think I know why your marriages didn't work out.
So sorry to hear about your troubles.
Oh, maybe I have it wrong. Charlie, didn't you tell me he was divorced, broke, and living on your couch?
Charlie [to Alan] : I don't know what she's talking about.
And, uh, uh, this is my housekeeper, Berta. Berta, Lydia.
Choose your words carefully, slim.
"Slim?" Why, thank you. I watch what I eat.
Hey Dad, do you like Uncle Charlie's new girlfriend?
Well, I just met her the one time, so...no, not really.
You know what she reminds me of? The girls at school who think they rule the world, just cos they got their boobs!
Well, I hate to tell you buddy, but they kinda do!
[about Jake] Puberty is going to hit him like a shovel!
W Waiter
Good to have you back, Mr Harper. We haven't seen your mother here for quite some time.
Maybe you just didn't recognise her. Like Satan, my mother can take many forms!
[A few moments later, after the waiter has been subjected to Lydia's sarcastic and abrasive manner]
W Waiter
[in an undertone to Charlie] Many forms. I thought you were joking!
All right, she [Lydia] might be a bit outspoken, but I happen to find that very attractive.
She must be dynamite in the sack.
Where do you get this stuff from?
Well, not that my sex life is any of your business--
It's not his business. It-- it's nobody's business. So, uh, what does she do for a living?
Besides being a stone-cold bee-yotch. [Charlie and Alan stare at him] HBO.
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