You're going to hell, you know?
I don't think so. I believe in a loving God who forgives little fibs as long as they lead to recreational sex.
You really wanna drag God into this?
Who gave me the penis, Alan?
S4 E3The Sea is a Harsh Mistress
Since when do you have a wet suit?
Since I moved to the beach and noticed that it was full of hot surfer chicks. [blows dust off his surfboard] If I lived next to Jellystone Park, I'd have a bear suit and a "pic-a-nic" basket.
How about this: When was the last time you called her [Evelyn] just to see how she was doing?
Uh, whoo. What's today, Sunday? Then never.
Why don't you start with that?
OK, fine. [takes his phone out of his pocket]
Remember her number?
I've got it on speed dial. 666. Cute, huh?
Charlie was a planned baby.
What was I?
Well, dear, you were a pitcher of margaritas and a gas station condom.
[later]
Who buys condoms at a gas station?
[after Evelyn's plastic surgery]
What happened to your mouth?
I just had a little procedure.
What kind of procedure?
They sucked some fat out of her ass and shot it into her lips.
What did they do, use the whole ass?
[To Evelyn after her plastic surgery] Dad says you got your butt in your lips. SO if you burp now it'll really be a fart right?
S4 E4A Pot Smoking Monkey
Alan [on the phone with Kandi]: Oh, well, then, maybe you can explain to me why I'm the one who feeds Chester, gives Chester tick baths, and cleans up when Chester piddles on the rug!
Charlie [to Jake]: When'd you change your name to Chester?
Who knows more about girls than your Uncle Charlie?
Warren Beatty, Bill Clinton, Rosie O'Donnell...
Are you sure it doesn't have anything to do with sex?
KSKandi's lawyer
Positive.
Huh, sure sounds like it. "Subpoenas."
What do I have to do for you?
Just promise to be sad at my funeral.
Do I have to cry?
No.
Will there be food?
Yes.
Can I bring a date?
You're just screwing with me now, right?
How does it feel?
What the hell is this?
This is Chester. Isn't he cute? [to Chester]: Yes, you are! Yes, you are!
He's not staying here, Alan.
Well, with all due respect, that's what you said about me.
It's because no kennel in town would take you!
I stole him [Chester].
Oh, Alan... I may think with my penis, but at least I think!
No dogs in my house, especially not stolen ones that are large enough to make me their bitch.
In my entire life, Chester is the only living thing I ever slept with that didn't sue me for alimony.
Conversation between Jake and Charlie in the living room, while watching TV...
Hey!
Oh, [...] finally up the phone.
Yeah.
When do you get Wendy [...] the necklace?
Jake(depressed): I'm not.
Charlie(mocking): What happened? Checkin'out?
Jake(depressed): No.
Charlie(reproachful): I don't believe it! You [...] my ass alway down of the mall. I [...] up 40 [...] for the necklace and you checkin' out?
Jake(loud): She has dumped me old turd!
Charlie(suprised): Oh, you couldn't tell me that before I started being an old turd?
Jake(disappointed): I'm only twelve. I need a time machine.
Dude, I am really sorry. What happened?
She decided she has a problem with mixed relationships.
Charlie(perplexed): What, chinese and [...]?
[...] and [...].
Ooooooh!
Yeah well, I'm done with relationships. From now on I'm gonna be like you.
Why would you wanna be like me?
'Cause you never fall in love with anybody, so you never get hurt.
Okay, listen to me. Being hurt sucks...but love is the most beautiful and noble of human emotions. It's what gives the man hope. What gives his live meaning. Don't turnin' back on love Jake. I did. And I reget it every day.
Jake(hopefully): Really?
Might God strike me down if I'm lying. [Looks up and whispers: Thank you!] Alright, game's over! Let's go!
Where we going?
[...] your dad out of jail.
[...]
Sure, why not.
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