Two and a Half Men quotes

Evelyn

Granted, I have no idea what's it like to be an eleven-year-old boy, but I do know one thing, sweetheart. You have no idea what real unhappiness is. Real unhappiness is being totally ignored by the very people you gave birth to! Real unhappiness is when you're recovering from liposuction and your only grandson doesn't even send you a get-well card. And FYI, I only had that surgery so you wouldn't have a grandmommy with matronly upper arms.

Alan

Well, if he didn't need a shrink before, he needs one now.

Alan

What happened to him?

Charlie

If I didn't know better, I'd swear he got laid last night.

Berta

I hope you don't mind, but I talked to him before he went to sleep last night.

Alan

What did you say?

Berta

I said: "Drink this bottle of prune juice". You feed him nothing but pizza and pancakes! It's a wonder his eyeballs are still in their sockets.

Charlie

Hey, if you listened to me in the first place, you wouldn't be in this mess. I'm the one who told you not to marry her.

Alan

You're also the one who told me that if I jumped off the garage roof with a bath towel tied around my neck, I could fly to school.

Charlie

The one time you listen to me.

Alan

Let me tell you another thing: if I hadn't married Judith, there would be no Jake.

Charlie

I didn't say you couldn't knock her up!

Charlie

Hey, that was quick.

Alan

Yeah. Like every other time Judith screwed me.

Charlie

What happened?

Alan

What happened? I'll tell you what happened. My settlement conference turned into a drive-by colonoscopy.

Lara Lang.

Charlie

Charlie Harper. Hey, didn't you used to date Superman?

That's Lana Lang. She was Superboy's girlfriend. And guys have been using that tired old line on me since the fifth-grade.

Charlie

Did it ever work?

My point is, if Mrs. Harper tries to make an issue out of your lifestyle, we need to be prepared.

Charlie

What's wrong with my lifestyle?

Alan

Oh, no! We are not going down that road at $300 an hour!

Relax, Alan. [to Charlie] I'm going to have to know every possible thing they can use against us, every skeleton in your closet.

Alan

Oh, boy.

Charlie

So, what, you want to know about my sex life?

Your sex life, your drinking, gambling, partying...

Jake

Were you talking to Mom?

Alan

Yes, but I-- I hung up before I said the bad stuff.

Jake

Yeah, she does the same thing to you.

Alan

Um... remember, we have Jake's "session" first.

Charlie

Oh, man, I thought you didn't want him to go back to that quack.

Alan

I didn't, but Judith and I... talked, and we decided that what I want makes no difference whatsoever.

Charlie

Man, you are so whipped!

Alan

I am not whipped! I just-- I'm just trying to keep everybody happy.

Charlie

Meow-fitchoo!

Alan

I am not "meow-fitchooed".

Charlie

You're right. It's been a long time since you got any "meow".

Jake

Are we getting a cat?

Jake

My doctor has a cow puppet.

Evelyn

Oh MD or Ph D.?

Jake

C-O-W.

Alan

[On Jake's therapy session] It's a small price to pay to avoid aggravating Judith.

Charlie

The fact that your drawing breath aggravates Judith!

You have a girlfriend yet?

Jake

No, I'm a bachelor like my Uncle Charlie.

Linda

So you're never gonna get married?

Jake

No, as long as I got someone to clean my house and some action on a regular basis, I don't need a wife.

Excuse me?

Jake

I don't want to give anybody half my stuff.

Alan

Your sexist, manipulative attitude toward women just got into Jake's head, and he spewed it out in front of his mother's angry women's support group!

Charlie

Wait a minute, wait a minute. Is it a women's support group that's angry, or a support group just for angry women?

Alan

What difference does it make?

Charlie

Well, if they were already angry, then I'm less culpable.

Alan

Why don't you just get snipped?

Charlie

You mean a vasectomy?

Alan

Yeah.

Charlie

Well, then, say "vasectomy". Don't say "snipped"!

Alan

What's wrong with "snipped"?

Charlie

It's demeaning. "Snipped" is what you get for twelve bucks at Supercuts.

Alan

Fine. Why don't you get a vasectomy?

Charlie

I've considered it. In fact, a couple of years ago, I believe there was a petition circulating.

Charlie

I'm not a particularly religious guy, but clearly, a power much greater than myself wants me to knock somebody up someday.

Rose

You called?

Charlie

I'm just having some friends over to... smoke cigars, sample some fine single-malt Scotch, and, you know, talk.

Alan

I enjoy all those things. But Scotch makes me a little gassy, but I'll take a Beano and I'm good to go.