Alan quotes from Two and a Half Men

Oh yeah? What's your definition of bloodsoaked vengeance?

S6 E5 A Jock Strap in Hell

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You miserable son of a bitch. I gave you my heart, I gave you my soul, I gave you my body and you just threw me aside like I was some piece of garbage!

Yeah, my bad. So what's new?

Oh, you wanna catch up, sure, let's catch up, okay, let's see, um, okay, after you dumped me, I had a nervous breakdown.

Well, sure looks like you've bounced back.

And then after my breakdown, I got fired and blackballed from teaching.

Oh, bummer. So what are you up to now?

I'll tell you what I'm up to now, I lost my house, I'm living in a cheap motel, and my new career is giving lap dances to strangers while I'm swinging by my crotch on a pole late times a night.

Have you considered an athletic supporter?

Okay, well. Thanks for the update. Nice seeing you. Move, move move.

You ruined my life, Charlie Harper!

Righto, bye.

We didn't pay for the jockstrap.

Alan

Just keep walking.

[to Charlie] How can you live with yourself, you horrible, evil man?!

He drinks.

S6 E5 A Jock Strap in Hell

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Well, they [Judith and Herb] are fighting a lot.

Alan

They're fighting?

Yep. Thirty-one.

Thirty-one?

It's what you get when you add twenty-four and seven. You know, they're fighting all the time, 24/7? Thirty-one?

I'm not gonna make it three months, Alan.

S6 E6 It's Always Nazi Week

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Alan

We need to get rid of the staple gun.

Staple guns do not staple shoes to coffee tables, Alan. Idiots do.

S6 E6 It's Always Nazi Week

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Alan, you had a perfect night of revenge sex. That's the fourth-best kind of sex you can have!

Alan

Fourth? What are the other...never mind, I don't want to know. Charlie, the problem is that, now that Judith and Herb are over, she thinks that we're... [Jake walks by them on the way to the refrigerator] ...back to square one in dealing with the PTA car...nival.

What?

Alan

The-the school carnival that we used to, uh, raise money for. [Jake leaves] [softly]: I don't want Jake to know about me and Judith. [Jake walks back to the refrigerator] Ith...cariot. Judith Ithcariot, who thold our Lord for thirty piethes of thilver.

What are you talking about?

Alan

Oh, I was just, uh, uh, telling your uncle about this, uh, this great, uh, cartoon. Uh, Daffy Duck and the Greateth Sthory Ever Told.

Sounds lame.

Alan

Classic Warner Brothers animation. [chuckling]

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Alan

Judith's changed, Charlie. She's...she's a different woman.

Different than the one who threw you out of your house with your nuts in a to-go bag?

Alan

That's a little graphic, don't you think?

I'm an artist, Alan. I paint with words.

Alan

You're a lush, Charlie. You paint with vomit!

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Judith

I was afraid of being forty years old and being all by myself, but dying alone has got to be better than being stuck with you.

Alan

OK, now you are starting to sound like my mother.

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[Herb invites Alan and Charlie to Ladies'Night at the Sand Dollar]

What do you say, Alan? You can get in for half price. Plus, all-you-can-eat popcorn shrimp.

Alan

Wow, this just keeps getting better and better, huh? Uh, no, I have other plans.

[unaware that he's going to meet Judith] Oh, got a date?

[sarcastically] Yeah, Alan, you got a date?

Alan

No, no. A date? PFFT! Not likely. [fake laugh] [to Charlie] No, I have a meeting with the, about the- about the group. I told you, remember?

[jokingly] No, tell me again.

Alan

[to Herb] He's a little pickled. [back to Charlie] Uh, well, if you must know, uh, I-I belong to a book club that I am going to.

Oh, that's right. What book are you reading again?

Alan

It-It's a mystery, uh, called, "Why Are You Doing This to Me?"

Oh, yeah. It's by the same guy who wrote "Because It Amuses Me".

Boy, I wouldn't have had you two pegged as readers.

Alan

Well, there you go. Good night. [leaves]

[before leaving] Hey, Alan?

Alan

[stops] Yeah?

You talk much to Judith?

Alan

[scared, but lies] Nope. See you.

Oh, well, if you speak to her, tell her I said hi.

Alan

Okay.

And that the time we spent together is very special to me and if she needs anything, uh, just call me.

Alan

I'm there.

You know what's a good book? [both Alan and Herb listen to him] "Under the Dining-Room Table", by Richard Gobbler.

[long pause]

Alan

But-But, it does not compare to "Wait Till Your Liver Fails" by Hope Udai.

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Alan

"So what's in Culver City?" he asked, knowing the only possible answer.

Can you believe she wants me to schlep all the way over to her place just so we can spend the night together?

Alan

Oh, you poor guy. You have to drive forty-five minutes to get laid.

And forty-five minutes to get back. That's ninety minutes behind the wheel for twenty, thirty minutes behind... well, I don't need to draw you a map.

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[the morning after Charlie tried to sleep at Chelsea's apartment]

She's got one of those wooden toilet seats. It would have been like sitting on Pinocchio's mouth.

Alan

You ever wonder about people who can poop in a gas station? What is wrong with them?

What about porta-potties?

Alan [scoffs]: Those aren't people. Those are animals. I'd rather go in the trunk of my car.

I have.

Alan

You've gone in the trunk of your car?

No, yours. [leaves]

Alan

That was you?! I convinced myself a coyote had gotten in there.

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[Jake plays 'Smoke on the Water' on Charlie's piano, and then bends down and plays the keys with his tongue. Charlie comes downstairs.]

What are you doing?

Playing 'Smoke on the Water'

With your tongue?

Pretty cool, huh?

That's not cool, it's disgusting. Alan, get in here! [Alan comes in] Your kid's licking my piano!

Alan

Jake, don't lick your uncle's piano.

But I'm bored.

Alan

Go read a book.

I don't wanna read a book.

Then go lick a book! [Jake leaves] How long is this whole grounding thing gonna go on for?

Alan

Two weeks.

Two weeks?

Alan

Charlie, he stuck his ass out a bus window at the girls' track team.

That's what you're grounding him for? When you were his age, you mooned the girls' choir.

Alan

No, uh, when I was his age, you pantsed me in front of the girls' choir.

Oh, right. Well, either way, you made the yearbook.

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Alan

You know, I have never once seen him [Charlie] eat seedless raspberry jam.

Berta

That's because you've never applied a thin layer to your hindquarters.

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And just so we're clear, my car is cherry, so if you bang it, ding it, dent it, or even change the ass print in the seat, just keep driving 'til you get to Mexico and bury yourself in the desert.

Alan

I understand your concern, and trust me, I will be very careful.

You know, you're taking the fun out of this!

S6 E9 The Mooch at the Boo

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We'll be lucky to leave here [Evelyn's house] with all of our limbs and gonads!

What's a gonad?