Charlie quotes from Two and a Half Men

Alan

Hey, where have you been?

Charlie

I just had lunch with my mother and my stalker. They spent the afternoon eating off each other's plates and discussing my fear of intimacy.

Alan

You do have that, you know. Well, anyway, look, can we talk about this picture Jake drew?

Charlie

What's to talk about? He's a boy. He saw a woman's ass. He liked it. Thank your lucky stars it wasn't the cable guy's ass and move on!

Jake

Hey, Dad, where's "Can-cun"?

Alan

Cancún?

Jake

No, it's spelled "Can-cun".

Alan

It's in Mexico. Why?

Jake

We should go there for Christmas instead of Aunt Betty's.

Alan

What are you reading?

Jake

Sports Illustrated, but it's mostly ladies in bathing suits.

Charlie

So what's the deal with your teacher?

Jake

Miss Tuttle? She's very strict.

Charlie

That could work.

Jake

Hey, what you doing?

Charlie

Trying to find some plausible connection between my jingles and the Industrial Revolution. What's up?

Jake

I just talked to my dad. He said that he and Mom aren't getting back together again.

Charlie

Yea. [puts the book down] How you doing with that?

Jake

I'm not sure. I like that I get to stay here on weekends.

Charlie

That's cool. I like that, too. But you gotta be sad about your folks though, right?

Jake

No, I'm okay.

Charlie

Jake, it's okay to feel sad, I've been told. And this is a sad thing.

Jake

My dad's not sad.

Charlie

Of course he is. He's just trying to protect you.

Jake

From what?

Charlie

From being sad. [Jake frowns] Yea, I know, it's a vicious circle. But the liquor industry is built on it.

Jake

What?

Charlie

It's not important. All you need to know is that we all feel sad sometimes and it's okay. Understand?

Jake

Yea.

Charlie

Look Jake, I'm sorry about the Wendy thing, but there's nothing I can do about it. And I want us to be buddies again. I don't want you to hate me anymore.

Jake

I don't hate you.

Charlie

Good.

Jake

I'm just very disappointed in you.

Charlie

Hey, I get enough of that crap from my mother.

Charlie

I have a kid now.

Oh, God, Charlie, what poor girl did you knock up?

Charlie

No, no, it's my nephew. He and my brother are living with me now. I'm like, Mr. Family Guy.

Yeah, right, family guy. How's it going with your mom?

Charlie

What the hell does my mom have to do with family?

Alan

[about Judith] What does she think she's doing? She-- she's straight, she's gay, she's straight again... I mean, place your bets! Where she lands, nobody knows!

Charlie

Alan, it's no big deal. Women get to experiment with their sexuality. It's only guys who have to make a choice and stick to it.

Alan

Where do you get this stuff?

Charlie

I make it up.

Jake

I don't wanna go clothes shopping. I'm not the one that needs a new look, so why do I have to go?

Alan

Come on, Jake, get your jacket and let's go.

Jake

Fine, I'll get my stupid jacket, then we'll get in the stupid car and then we'll go to the stupid mall and we'll go stupid clothes shopping.

Charlie

Hey, don't talk to your stupid father like that.

Charlie

Come on, Alan. If you change your look you might be able to land someone in the dating game. You know, like Judith is.

Alan

I don't need to land anyone in any game.

Charlie

Fine, I'm here if you need me.

Alan

I'm fine. So Jake, what's new?

Jake

My soccer coach sings a lot now.

Alan

Why?

Jake

No reason. But I think it's the same reason Mom sings all the time now.

Alan

Oh, all right.

Jake

I'm done. Can I go watch TV now?

Alan

Sure. [Jake goes off] ... Help me Charlie, I wanna sing for no reason too!

Alan

[getting ready to leave] Get your jacket, it's time to go.

Jake

[reluctantly] I don't wanna go, I hate clothes shopping!

Alan

Well, you can't stay here alone.

Jake

Why not??

Alan

You know why not.

Jake

But I don't have a turtle to put in the microwave anymore!

Alan

[firmly] Get your jacket.

Jake

[annoyed] Fine, I'll put on my stupid jacket, we'll get in the stupid car and then we'll go stupid clothes shopping!

Charlie

Hey, don't talk to your stupid father like that.

Charlie

Berta?

Berta

No, it's Liz Hurley, but I'm holding water.

Charlie

I'm still sleeping here. Could you come back in a little while?

Berta

I could, or you could get your pampered ass out of bed and let me do my demeaning job and get on with my hellish life.

Alan

Jake, come here, sit down.

Jake

Did I do something wrong?

Charlie

No, just sit down. We wanna talk to you about something.

Jake

[sits down] OK.

Alan

Well Jake, you know how I always told you to tell your parents about what's happening and everything you've been doing.

Jake

Yeah.

Alan

Well you...

Charlie

You don't have to do that anymore. You're a big boy now and you, you don't have to do that now.

Jake

Why?

Alan

Well because, now that you're older, we feel that some things are best kept to yourself.

Jake

Or you just don't want mom to find out about Prudence.

Charlie

That too.

Jake

OK.

Judith

[Enters] Hi Jake, ready to go?

Jake

Sure. [Walks out with Judith]

Judith

So how was your weekend?

Jake

Uncle Charlie says I don't have to tell you.

Alan

All right, even if I weren't deathly ill, which I am, I wouldn't go out on a blind double date with you!

Charlie

Why not?

Alan

Summer of my junior year? The Seals and Crofts concert? You got the incredible cheerleader, and I got her sister, The Incredible Hulk?!

Jake

Hey, Dad, wanna hear a funny joke?

Alan

Sure, why not.

Jake

OK, there's a priest, a minister, and a rabbit.

Charlie

That's a "rabbi", Jake.

Jake

Oh, yeah. OK, a priest, a minister, and a rabbi. I forgot the rest. I gotta go to the bathroom.

Charlie

Wait, you know why they call this a European health spa? 'Cause you're a-peein'.

Charlie

[Who is trying to convince Alan to go on a double date with him even though he is sick] Please, please go with me. Look, she's great, her name is Dezeray.

Alan

I don't care what her name is!

Charlie

What do you mean? That's like desire but with yay in it!

Alan

How much did you tip him [the pizza delivery man]?

Charlie

I don't know. I gave him a fifty.

Alan

That's... that's like a 300 percent tip!

Charlie

If you say so. I was never good at math.

Alan

Oh, yeah, but you can figure out the point spread, the over-under, and the vigorish on every football game in the country.

Charlie

What can I tell you? I've got a beautiful mind.