Charlie quotes from Two and a Half Men

Charlie

I can't do this anymore, Alan. I quit.

Alan

You can't quit poverty, Charlie.

Charlie

I want the good stuff! I want cheese that isn't air-dropped into Third World countries! I want ouchless toilet paper! I want vodka that doesn't look like Fred Flintstone would drink it! I want my life back.

Alan

Fine. Then swallow your pride, call Mom, and ask her to lend you some money.

Alan

Hey Charlie, what's miscellaneous cash expenses?

Charlie

You know, extra things. Like if I want a hot dog or tickets to the movies.

Alan

It's $40,000!

Charlie

Gambling losses, etcetera, etcetera

Berta

[Because Charlie is facing money problems] Don't worry Charlie, you don't need to pay me this week.

Charlie

Thank you Berta.

Berta

I'll just take this espresso maker and be on my way.

Alan

Charlie, miscellaneous cash expenses? What exactly is that?

Charlie

I don't know, go see a movie, buy a hot dog, stuff like that.

Alan

It was $80,000 last year!

Charlie

Oh, that. That's women and gambling.

Alan

Gone and gone.

Charlie

Oh, great! Why don't I just shoot myself?

Alan

You can't afford a gun.

Charlie

You got a nice swing.

Thanks!

Charlie

Try stepping into it. You'll get more power that way.

You mean like this? [she knocks one of the side mirrors off]

Charlie

Oh, yeah! Dial one and the area code, 'cause that is long-distance!

Alan

I'm sorry, there's just been a lot of stuff going on.

Judith

Yeah, I just met your brother's latest "stuff".

Alan

Why do you assume it's his stuff?

Judith

What, is it yours?

Alan

No, but it's not his either!

Charlie

But it could be.

Alan

Says who?

Charlie

Says your ex-wife!

What's the matter?

Alan

I don't know! It's been so long since anybody's touched me!

Charlie

Alan?

Alan

Yes?

Charlie

It's been so long since anybody's touched me!

Hi I'm Joni!

Jake

Hey, [To Alan and Charlie] I'm gonna go play in my room.

Can I come?

Jake

Whatever. [The two of them go off]

Charlie

If he can keep up the attitude for another 30 years he's gold.

Charlie

Who gets him [Jake] in that [worst-case] scenario thing?

Alan

Cousin Jerry and his wife Fay.

Charlie

Jerry and Fay? Why Jerry and Fay?

Alan

Well, they-- they've a good marriage, three kids, lots of dogs, a big backyard, and they live in a great school district.

Charlie

Yeah, but I'm your brother!

Alan

Charlie, it's--

Charlie

And I live right here! You wouldn't have to ship him off to... Cornhole, Kansas!

Alan

Coventry, Rhode Island.

Charlie

Who am I thinking of that lives in Kansas?

Alan

I don't know, Dorothy and Toto?

Alan

Uh, if Mom's ever in a coma, you're the one who has to decide to pull the plug.

Charlie

Pull.

Charlie

[Filling out Jake's hospital form] Last name: Harper. First Name: Jake...ob?

Jake

Yeah.

Charlie

Jacob. Middle name...

Jake

Don't you know?

Charlie

Of course I know. I wanna see if you know,you hit your head dude.

Jake

David.

Charlie

I knew that. Jacob David, wow, they really went old testament on you didn't they. Allergies?

Jake

What? I dunno.

Charlie

Do you eat something that makes you sick?

Jake

I ate a worm once.

Charlie

No allergies. Have you ever had the following? Measles?

Jake

I dunno.

Charlie

Mumps?

Jake

I dunno.

Charlie

Chicken pox?

Jake

Is that the one with the spots?

Charlie

Yeah.

Jake

I dunno.

Charlie

Family History? Well your grandmother's always been a pain in the ass.

Alan

What's this?

Charlie

A picture of Jill. Look at it, will you?

Alan

The woman who dumped you?

Charlie

She didn't dump me, will you get over that?!

Alan

All right, why are we looking at Jill?

Charlie

Just look at it!

Alan

All right, she's cute. Very tall, broad shoulders-- HOLY MOTHER OF GOD!

Charlie

Welcome to The Matrix.

Alan

So-so-so Jill is-is-is--?

Charlie

Yep.

Alan

And-and-and you and-and Jill used to--?

Charlie

Every chance we got

Alan

Now mom is--?

Charlie

At this very moment.

Alan

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD!

Alan

Do you realize what this means?

Charlie

Yes. I slept with a woman who wanted to be a man. Or, I slept with a man in a woman’s body. Or - and this is my new favorite, and the title of my autobiography - my mom and I slept with the same dude.

Evelyn

He certainly knows how to treat a woman.

Charlie

He used to BE a woman!

Evelyn

And he knows what I like in bed.

Charlie

He knows what I like in bed!

Judith

OK, fine. You always wanted Liz, go ahead. Here's your chance. Give her your little "adjustment". And maybe while you're having a good time with my sister, I'll have a good time with your brother. [puts her right arm around Charlie]

Charlie

Beg pardon?

Judith

Oh, don't be coy with me, Charlie. You know we've always had sexual tension between us!

Charlie

Really? I... thought it was just regular tension.

Judith

Come on, I've seen you looking at my chest.

Alan

You looked at my wife's chest?

Charlie

Hey, I'm a guy!