Charlie quotes from Two and a Half Men

Jake

Why is your head exploding?

Charlie

Well, I drank a little too much wine last night.

Jake

If it makes you feel bad, why do you drink it?

Charlie

Nobody likes a wiseass, Jake.

Jake

You have to put a dollar in the swear jar. You said "ass."

Charlie

Tell you what... here's twenty. That should cover me until lunch.

Jake

My parents are splitting up.

Charlie

Yeah, looks that way. You're lucky. When I was a kid I could only dream about my parents splitting up.

Jake

Your mom is my grandma.

Charlie

Yeah.

Jake

Grandma says you're a bitter disappointment.

Alan

OK, I put the groceries away, I folded the laundry, I put Jake to bed....

Charlie

The guilt thing doesn't work on me, Alan.

Alan

Yeah, well it's all I got. I gotta go.

Charlie

Where are you going?

Alan

Take out the garbage.

Charlie

Today wasn't garbage day.

Alan

No, not here, at Judith's.

Charlie

At Judith's? Alan, your wife threw you out.

Alan

Well that doesn't mean she doesn't need me anymore.

Charlie

It kinda does. So, how do you lift those garbage cans without a spine?

Alan

...The-they're on wheels.

Alan

We can't go out tonight. We're getting up early to go to Disneyland.

Charlie

"We"?

Alan

Yeah. I thought maybe you'd want to come with us.

Charlie

Alan, I'm not thrilled about having one small rodent in my house. Why would I drive 50 miles to see their kingdom?

Your mother sounds like a real piece of work.

Charlie

Ah, you have no idea, my friend. My mother took my baby brother and dipped him in sissy sauce, and turned him into the people-pleasing control freak you see today.

Alan

That's right! And -- and she made him so scared of intimacy that -- that he has just this endless stream of gorgeous girls running in and out of his life.

Charlie

Damn her.

You know, many psychologists agree: Until the core maternal relationship is resolved, most men are doomed to repeat dysfunctional childhood patterns.

Charlie

Just drive the cab, Dr. Phil.

Judith

[About Jake] He can't go in the water this weekend, he's got an ear infection.

Jake

Awwwww, Mom...

Alan

No, it's OK, pal, we'll have a great weekend. We can go to Disneyland, we can play miniature golf, go bowling, bike riding, whatever you want.

Charlie

Alan, relax. You're starting to sound like a tampon commercial.

Alan

Aw, I forgot to bring Porky back!

Charlie

See, that's the thing... nothings' bringing Porky back.

Alan

What?! Porky's dead?!

Charlie

Ba-deep, ba-deep, ba-deep; That's all, Folks!

Alan

I even made your coffee.

Charlie

Thank you. [takes a sip] No, uh-uh. Not as good as Berta's.

Alan

But... it's her coffee! I just-- I just pushed the button.

Charlie

Berta's tasted... I don't know, Christmassy.

Alan

Wh-- what does that mean, "Christmassy"? What--

Charlie

It means "like Christmas".

Alan

No, you... you gotta work with me, Charlie. I mean, nutmeg, cinnamon, powdered reindeer...

Charlie

I don't know. It's just that when you drank it, it just felt like Christmas morning and anything was possible.

Alan

You know what, Charlie? You're impossible! I give up. I'll go get Berta back.

Charlie

Fine! Good!

Alan

All right, where does she live?

Charlie

I don't know.

Alan

All right, what's her last name?

Charlie

I don't know.

Alan

Your entire life revolves around this woman and you don't know anything about her!

Charlie

Wait!.... She took a bus!

Alan

I stand corrected.

Alan

Since you can't live without her [Berta], you big baby, I will go apologize and get her back.

Charlie

Great!

Alan

So, where does she live?

Charlie

I don't know.

Alan

Okay, what's her last name? [Charlie starts to think] Your entire life depends on this woman and you know nothing about her!

Charlie

Wait!.... She took a bus!

Alan

I stand corrected.

Charlie

Oh! Oh! Uh....after she works here in the morning, she cleans some rockstar's house!

Alan

Okay. What rockstar? Where?

Rose

[knocks on the balcony door & replies] Steven Tyler from Aerosmith, 4456 Malibu Canyon Road.

Alan

[to Rose] Thank you.

Alan

Jake, for the last time, nobody got creamed. No one won, no one lost.

Jake

Yeah, except for us, 12 to 2.

Charlie

Hey, pal, it doesn't matter if you win or lose. It's whether or not you beat the spread.

Charlie

Hey, we're here for fun, right? Nobody wins or loses.

Alan

Oh, come on! Somebody always loses! [stands up] Who are we kidding? It's 8 to 1 out there and everybody here knows it. And-- and you know, I'll tell you another thing! We haven't won a game all season, and I'm putting that in the newsletter! And as God as my witness, there will be a newsletter!

Jake

Dad, you're kind of freaking everybody out here.

Charlie

Forget it, Jake. It's Sherman Oaks.

Evelyn

I want you two and Jake to come to dinner and meet Tommy.

Well...

Alan

Jake has this thing...

Charlie

Got work.

Alan

Judith will have Jake.

Charlie

Don't really want to.

Evelyn

Is there anyone in the 310 area code that you have not mounted?

Charlie

Come on, we went out a couple of times. She assumed it was an exclusive thing, and when she found out it wasn't, she got a little upset. [waves at Olivia after she stares at him] Anyway, Tommy seems like a real nice guy. I'm-- I'm very happy for you. Good night. [starts to leave]

Evelyn

Charles, you are not going anywhere. This man is very important to me. Now, we are going to have a nice dinner, you are going to be charming, and Tommy will remain oblivious to the fact that you defiled his daughter.

Charlie

Hey, she wasn't exactly filed when I met her!

Alan

Charlie, there is a half-naked woman in our kitchen!

Charlie

Which half?