CharlieI don't have a lot of faith in psychiatry as a science. I think some of the drugs you're pushing are interesting, and I'm all for messing around with brain chemistry. I mean, that's how I got through high school. But in my experience, popping pills doesn't relieve social anxiety quite as well as, say, bourbon and Marvin Gaye.
Now I get it. You're desperate, and I'm full of hooey. So in the words of Marvin Gaye, "What's goin' on?"
Charlie
Everything I say is confidential, right?
Whatever you say stays in this room.
Charlie
Kind of like Vegas.
Well, except there's no way you're leaving here with more money than when you came in.
Charlie
Yeah, like Vegas.
So, uh, how long till the movie starts?
Charlie
Uh, about twenty minutes.
Yeah, sure, twenty minutes, not counting previews and ads, the popcorn and the giant pretzel holding hands, the-- the, the big soda drinking the little soda which, frankly is cannibalism, and the always-welcome reminder to turn off your cell phones and shut up but nobody ever does because, let's face it, good manners are just the latest casualty in the ongoing collapse of Western civilization.
Uh, uh, "Debra Winger and Richard Gere starred in An Officer and a 'blank'." Oh, please!
Charlie
You need a hint? There's a hint upside down in the corner.
No, I don't need a hint! Eh, eh, I know the answer! Everybody here knows the ans-- everybody on the planet knows the answer! We're not stupid!
Charlie
Ch-- chill, chill.
Oh, oh, wait, oh, here's another brain teaser: Uh, uh, "Steven Spielberg directed this modern retelling of the H. G. Wells classic, War of the 'blank'." Uh, uh, "Couch!" War of the Couch!
Charlie [whispering]: Stop it!
Alan [yelling]: Oh, wait, no, no, I-- I got it! War of the BLOW IT OUT YOUR ASS!
Charlie
You know what? You know, maybe you're right. Maybe we should go. [they start leaving]
No, wait, no, I know this one: Uh, "Johnny Depp cruised to success in this comedy-action film inspired by a Disneyland attraction." Pirates of the BLOW IT OUT YOUR ASS!
Charlie [to another theater patron]: He's-- he's behind on his reading.
Oh, oh, and-- and, let's not forget-- uh, uh, Judy Garland in that immortal classic, The Wizard of BLOW IT OUT YOUR ASS!
[the two women Charlie brought home are skinny dipping in the ocean]
Charlie
Let me think. Nope, just a tug.
Now that's another thing! My angst is real. I-- I do not appreciate you taking my tug and using it to get in someone's pants.
Charlie
News flash, Alan: they're already out of their pants!
Charlie
Looks to be a beautiful day. Slightly overcast, but that should burn off in a few hours, leaving us with another sun-dappled afternoon in paradise.
You still drunk from last night, or did you get a fresh buzz this morning?
Charlie
No, ma'am, I am quite simply high on life.
Berta [to Alan]: Blotto.
Charlie
I've just been seeing this ballet dancer, and I think she might be the one.
Evelyn [to Alan]: Drunk?
I think it might be one of those designer drugs. Charlie? [slowly]: What did you take?
Charlie
I'm serious. We've been seeing each other for over a month, and we're waiting to sleep together until our relationship has a solid foundation.
Well, we can rule out ecstasy. That's a powerful aphrodisiac. I've heard.
Nowadays, we're supposed to say "African-American-disiac".
Charlie
Hey, listen, about this "living without sex" thing, I was hoping you can give me a little advice.
Me? What would make you think of me?
Charlie
Well, I figured you get laid less often than a boil-covered dwarf, am I right?
I don't have the actual statistics, but go on.
Charlie
Well, you must get really frustrated. I mean, how do you stop yourself from, you know, running a red light and then taunting the cop 'til he shoots you?
Ah, good question. Uh, I found that the best thing to do is to focus on your career, uh, get a hobby, uh, become involved in community activities, and at the end of the day, if you have any energy left, find a quiet space and yank it like a monkey in a mango tree.
Charlie
You know, on a counter-programming note, the Lakers are playing Miami tonight.
Would you rather watch that?
Charlie
No, no, this is fine. Of course, I don't have a $500 bet down on the ballet.
The fancy beach house works with a lot of women, doesn't it?
Charlie
Honestly, it's like a G-spot with two mortgages.
Well, just so you know, I'm nogjt with you for your house or your money.
Charlie
So it's the car.
Why would I care about your car?
Charlie
It's an $80,000 Mercedes.
Yeah, so what does it do that other cars don't do?
Charlie
It costs $80,000!
Judith [to Charlie]: I suppose you're the one who introduced Alan to that slutty little--
Charlie
Don't say it, Judith; you'll just be demeaning all women. And yes.
Figures. Well, I don't want her [Kandi] around my son.
Oh, oh, oh, really? So, do I get to screen the men that you're dating? And let's not forget, I know about that guy who delivered the truckload of sod.
[scoffs] It doesn't take two months to put down a new lawn, Judith.
Charlie
Sounds like she got laid before the sod did.
This is a sad, sad day. I always figured you'd be the last guy in the world to end up whipped.
Charlie
I am not whipped. I'm... considerate.
Charlie
Yeah. See, I love Mia, and I want her to be happy. And I happen to know she's not happy when I smoke cigars and drink and gamble and stay out all night and... eat meat and sugar and grease and fat and... nap and swear and wear shorts and bowling shirts...
Oh, Charlie, you ain't just whipped. You're roped, saddled, and gelded. They could use you to give rides at kids' birthday parties.
[Charlie sprays breath spray in his mouth to try to conceal the stench of cigars and booze from Mia]
That ain't gonna do it, Alice.
Charlie
What?
You smell like a beer bottle that just fell out of Joe Camel's ass.
Charlie
Well, what am I supposed to do?
Um, hang on, let's see if I got anything in here that might mask that stench. Oven cleaner? No. Ty-D-Bol? No. How do you feel about taking a whore's bath with a hunk of blue cheese?
Two and a Half Men · 811 quotes
