You're in the newspaper business? [chuckles] Something that's gonna die before I do!
“Thursdays with Abie” · Season 21
In this episode: Grampa Simpson (3), Homer Simpson (1), Bart Simpson (1), Lisa Simpson (1)
[narrating] It was back in World War II. I was a Seaman First Class on the USS World War I. We were minding our own business, when we were attacked by a heat-seeking torpedo we had fired the day before.
[In flashback, the missile causes the ship to sink, leaving the young Abe and the rest of the crew surrounded by sharks in the water]
CCaptain
Don't worry about the sharks, boys. Just play possum and they'll leave you alone.
[He floats on his back, playing dead - and is immediately eaten]
[narrating] Unfortunately, sharks love possum!
Yep, I may just be the best known Abraham in history.
MMarshall
So many hat boxes!
[Bart lets Santa's Little Helper chew Larry the stuffed toy lamb]
That's it, boy! Go for the 'nards!
Bart! [snatches Larry away] If you're not gonna take care of him right, then give him to me.
How come you don't get mad when I torment real animals?
I do! It enrages me!
I thought you Hindus were supposed to love everybody.
I'M A FREAKIN' BUDDHIST! A BUDDHIST! [kicks the side table]
[during the versions of reruns and DVDs]
The year is 1946, and in a war torn world, a single flower blooms and that flower is an angry Japanese monster named Godzilla. Fortunately, there was one man that could help, Colonel Tom Parker. The colonel took this monster, cleaned him up and put him on stage under the name the Rolling Stones. The first concert was a sell out with many, many, many people eaten. But those that survived raved about the undeniable harmonies and brutally honest lyrics of what they had just seen. And out of the wreckage of that concert crawled the woman that would later give birth to me, not once but four times, cause in those days if they didn't like the way you looked they would send you back in to bake a little longer. After four times they just decided to cut off my tail, but you can still see it in the British museum, which interestingly enough, is in France. Not the France you're thinking of, but a much better one, built with palm trees and leprechauns, but I digress. In fact, I used to be a professional digressor, but I don't wanna get off the track, so I'll tell you about the time I was a professional digressor. The year was 2021, and I had just returned from a brief vacation where I had eaten more than my fill of tacos. Not the tacos you're thinking of. Did I ever tell you about the time I started Gracie Films? [the Gracie Films logo shows up] Hey, shush yourself!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Simpsons pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.